Friday, September 16, 2011        Edition: #4588
Sheet Happens!

This week’s victims of leaked naked phone pics include Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, and Scarlett Johansson (this is becoming so ho-hum) . . . Meantime, Christina Crawford, daughter of screen legend Joan Crawford, is developing a one-woman show called “Surviving Mommie Dearest” that will include never-before-seen home movies of movie star in the nude (hopefully before she died in 1972) . . . “Star” magazine is reporting former “The Hills” star Kristin Cavallari & dancer Mark Ballas are having a fling while rehearsing for the upcoming 13th season of “Dancing With the Stars”, which debuts Monday (let’s get ready to rhumbaaaaa!) . . . 60-year-old previous “Dancing With the Stars” runner-up Kirstie Alley tells “Entertainment Tonight” she’s lost a whopping 100 lbs since her stint on the show (that’s enough to build her own dance partner) . . . A new report from the Directors Guild of America says the ABC-TV sitcom “The Middle” tops the list of programs that regularly hire female and minority directors (HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” ranks dead last) . . . A federal judge has thrown out Las Vegas hotelier Steve Wynn’s lawsuit against Joe Francis, which claimed the oft-sued “Girls Gone Wild” creator owed $2.5 million in gambling losses going back to 2007 (it’s not often anyone ‘beats the house’) . . . Movie actor Nicolas Cage says he has real-life experience with home invasion (subject of his new movie “Trespass”, opening October 14th), as he once woke up to find a near-naked man wearing only his leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of his bed (wow man, was that the Blueberry Bud you smoked?) . . . And “Jersey Shore’s” Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino has been spotted at a bank, parking his Ferrari in a handicapped spot (actually, that seems about right).

• “ALMA Awards” (NBC) – Tonight Eva Longoria & George Lopez host the 2011 honors for the artistic achievements of Latinos in TV, film, and music.
• Austin City Limits Festival (Austin TX) – The 10th anniversary edition today through Sunday features 130 acts, including Alison Krauss & Union Station, Arcade Fire, Cee Lo Green, Coldplay, Kanye West, and My Morning Jacket.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Gabe Dixon (“One Spark”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Airborne Toxic Event (“All At Once”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Tonight Stewart Copeland (The Police). Rerun.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Gavin DeGraw (“Chariot”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Today KISS frontman Gene Simmons.
• “Primetime Emmy Awards” (FOX/CTV) – Sunday Jane Lynch (“Glee”) hosts TV’s 63rd annual salute to itself. The Kate Winslet miniseries “Mildred Pierce” (HBO) and perennial favorite “Mad Men” (AMC) lead nominations with 21 and 19 respectively.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Justin Timberlake (“Friends With Benefits”); musical guest Lady Gaga (“Born This Way”). Rerun.
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Today Jordin Sparks (“Battlefield”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Lady Antebellum (“Own the Night”).

• Carrie Underwood – She’s announced via her official fan club website that her plan is basically to ‘tour her face off’ next year.
• Daughtry – It’s been confirmed the release date for their as-yet-untitled 3rd album is November 21st.
• Dave Matthews Band – Tonight-through-Sunday their “Caravan” festival stop in NYC, postponed by Hurricane Irene, takes place at Randall’s Island.
• Lady Gaga – She’s earned a spot in the “2012 Guinness Book of World Records” for ‘Most Followers on Twitter’ (13 million+), a follow-up to her record last year for being ‘Most Searched Woman On the Internet’.
• The Raconteurs – Saturday they play their first show in 2 years as one of the headliners for the “MI Fest” at the Michigan International Speedway in Brooklyn MI.
• Soundgarden – Singer Chris Cornell says he believes that musically their new material is different than anything they’ve ever done.
• Wiz Khalifa – He’s revealed that he’s already working on the follow up to his album “Rolling Papers”, which was released 6 months ago.

• “Drive” ( R-Rated Crime Drama ): Ryan Gosling plays a Hollywood stuntman who moonlights as a get-away driver for the criminal underground. After a botched job he ends up on the run with his neighbor (Carey Mulligan) and her child.
• “Don’t Know How She Does It” ( PG-13 Comedy ): Sarah Jessica Parker plays a finance executive who juggles a busy schedule where she’s a mother of two, a wife, and the breadwinner for her family. Co-stars Greg Kinnear, Pierce Brosnan, Kelsey Grammar.
• “The Lion King 3-D” ( G-Rated Animated Family ): Disney’s 1994 animated African adventure gets a 3-D makeover for a limited theatrical re-release. Voice cast includes Matthew Broderick, Jeremy Irons, James Earl Jones. ‘Scar’ in 3-D? Intense.
• “Straw Dogs” ( R-Rated Thriller ): Remake of a 1971 Sam Peckinpah film about a screenwriter (James Marsden) who relocates with his wife (Kate Bosworth) to her hometown in the South where they’re threatened by an escalating conflict with locals. Co-stars Alexander Skarsgard.

“Star Wars: the Complete Saga” – Filmmaker George Lucas releases his classic sci-fi series on Blu-ray. It also includes 40-plus hours of bonus features, including unseen content from archives, and new interviews with the cast & crew. This marks the first time the films have been officially made available in hi-def, and the first time the entire set of 6 films has been offered in a single package. The box set has a MSRP of about $140.

So-called ‘hypermilers’ are driving experts who pride themselves on getting the absolute highest gas mileage possible. Among their techniques …
– Empty the vehicle of all but the essentials to cut weight.
– Draft (ride the vacuum) behind 18-wheelers.
– Accelerate and perform turns extremely slowly.
– Use the brakes only when absolutely necessary.
– Properly inflate tires.
– Avoid left turns whenever possible. (More idling while waiting.)
And what’s your secret to making a tankful last longer?

British insurance firm Staveley Head has compiled a list of gasoline prices around-the-world. These are the 5 countries where gas is least expensive …
5. Bahrain … 21 cents a litre (80¢/gallon)
4. Turkmenistan … 19¢/litre (72¢/gallon)
3. Libya (if you can find any) … 14¢/litre (53¢/gallon)
2. Saudi Arabia … 13¢/litre (49¢/gallon)
1. Venezuela … 4.7¢/litre (18¢/gallon)

• In China, if one party in a relationship wishes to break up with the other but finds it difficult to deal with in person, he or she can hand over the thorny problem to the 26 ‘break-up services’ advertised on the e-commerce platform Taobao. These companies will break the bad news to the jilted party and also provide gifts to soften the blow. The ‘dear John’ service costs 100-200 yuan ($15-30).
• ‘Divorce Hotel’ is a service available to splitting couples in the Netherlands, in which they go to a hotel for 3 days in order to work out an agreement. Over their stay, a mediator and other specialists – notaries, even psychologists – are on hand to help the couple. And it’s worth it … in Holland a bad divorce can last 5-to-10 years and cost 50,000 euros or more. The ‘Divorce Hotel’ process costs about 5% of that.

Animals – from shrews to blue whales – have lifespans with just about an equal number of heartbeats … about 1-and-a-half billion. Humans do a bit better thanks to medicine, nutrition, and hygiene that have added to our total heartbeat allotment.
– “Boston Globe”


1925 [86] (Riley) BB King, Itta Bena MS, blues legend (“The Thrill is Gone”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1987)

1948 [63] Ron Blair, San Diego CA, classic rock bassist (Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers-“Learning to Fly”, “Runnin’ Down a Dream”)

1956 [55] Mickey Rourke, Schenectady NY, movie actor (“The Expendables”, “The Wrestler”)

1968 [43] Marc Anthony (Marco Antonio Muniz), NYC, pop singer (“I Need to Know”)/Jennifer Lopez’ estranged husband

1971 [40] Amy Poehler, Burlington MA, TV comic (“Parks & Recreation” since 2009, “Saturday Night Live” 2001-08)/movie actress (“Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”, “Baby Mama”)

1981 [30] Alexis Bledel, Houston TX, movie actress (“Sisterhood Of the Traveling Pants” movies)/TV actress (“Gilmore Girls” 2000-07)

1992 [19] Nick Jonas, Dallas TX, teen idol pop singer (Jonas Bros-“Burnin’ Up”)/TV actor (“Camp Rock” films)/younger sibling of Kevin & Joe

Movie director Baz Luhrmann (“Moulin Rouge”) is 49; Auto racing champ Jimmie Johnson (NASCAR Sprint Cup) is 36; Punk-pop drummer Chuck Comeau (Simple Plan) is 32; NHL superstar Alexander Ovechkin (Washington Capitals) is 26; Rock bassist Jon Walker (Panic! At the Disco) is 26.

Movie/TV actor James Gandolfini (“The Sopranos”) 50; Movie actress Jada Pinkett Smith (“Madagascar”) is 40; Retired cycling champ Lance Armstrong is 40; Movie actor James Marsden (“Straw Dogs”) is 38; Actor/comic Jason Sudeikis (“Saturday Night Live”) is 36; TV actor Barrett Foa (“NCIS: Los Angeles”) is 34.

• “Collect Rocks Day”, a celebration of the hobby of gem & mineral collecting.
• “Independence Day” in Mexico (“El Grito de Independencia”), celebrating the declaration of independence from Spain in 1810. Fiesta!
• “International Day for Preservation Of the Ozone Layer”, as first declared by the UN in 1994.
• “International Shellfish Festival” through Sunday in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island, known as the ‘Biggest Kitchen Party in Atlantic Canada’.
• “Malaysia Day”, commemorating the establishment of the Malaysian Federation in 1963.
• “POW/MIA Recognition Day”, a day of remembrance and hope for the safe return of Prisoners of War and those Missing in Action, observed annually on the 3rd Friday of September.
• “Stepfamily Day, celebrated annually on September 16th. It’s estimated that 1-in-3 of us is in a stepfamily at some point. It’s now politically correct to refer to these as ‘blended’ families.
• “Working Parents Day”. Isn’t parenting work in itself?

• “American Citizenship Day” (aka “Constitution Day”) focusing on the rights & responsibilities of American citizens. September 17th commemorates the date in 1787 when the US Constitution was signed in Philadelphia PA and celebrates the oldest working constitution in the world.
• “International Eat an Apple Day”. Apples are the world’s most varied food, with some 7,500 varieties.
• “International Coastal Cleanup Day”, begun by the advocacy group Ocean Conservancy in 1986, it now involves the efforts of volunteers in some 127 countries on the 3rd Saturday in September in cleaning up trash in and around the world’s oceans.
• “Oktoberfest”, through October 3rd in Munich, Germany, the 201st edition with rides, exhibits and – of course – festhallen full of bazillions of barrels of beer! This year, a ‘mass’ (litre of beer) will cost between 8.70 and 9.20 euros in festival tents, breaking through the 9€ mark for the first time. (A little over $12.)
• “Responsible Dog Ownership Day”, encouraging owners to exercise their pooches, feed them healthy foods, and train them in social skills so they don’t annoy other people.

• “ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) Awareness Day”, set aside to create … hey look, a cloud shaped like a giant zucchini!
• “Cheeseburger Day”, celebrating the best way to get 2 kinds of cattle fat into your system simultaneously. According to one source, the first to ever slap cheese on a burg’ was grill chef Lionel Sternberger at the Rite Spot restaurant in Pasadena, California 85 years ago in 1926.
• “Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day”, saluting the people who write all kinds of mushy stuff we’re too lazy to think up ourselves.
• “Wife Appreciation Day”. Don’t hesitate. Don’t question why. Just buy flowers. Do it!
• “Women’s Friendship Day”, observed annually on the 3rd Sunday of September, to encourage more interaction and communication between females in hope of developing lasting friendships.
• “World Water Monitoring Day”, an international effort to encourage involvement in protecting water resources around-the-world by encouraging the public to conduct basic monitoring of their local bodies of water.

2009 [02] Reports say US president Barack Obama has called Kanye West a ‘jackass’ in an off-the-record comment (well, that’s one thing he got right!)

1988 [23] Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” becomes 1st a capella record to reach #1 on pop music charts

2006 [05] Bob Dylan’s “Modern Times” hits #1 on “Billboard” magazine’s album chart, making the 65-year-old the oldest musician to ever achieve that feat

[Mon] Talk Like a Pirate Day
[Mon] 5th ACM Honors (Nashville TN)
[Mon] Season debut of “Two-and-a-Half Men” (CBS/CTV2)
[Mon] “SheenRoast” airs (Comedy Central)
[Tues] “Pearl Jam Twenty” documentary screens in movie theaters
[Wed] World Alzheimer’s Day
This Week Is … Farm Animal Awareness Week
This Month Is … Organic Harvest Month


• Packs of dogs are attracted by your high-pitched wheeze.
• When you stop exercising parts of you continue to move.
• Local restaurants try to co-ordinate their vacations with yours.
• Instead of whistling, construction workers act busy when you walk by.
• When brushing your teeth you have to rest between ‘up’ and ‘down’.
• Your doctor’s first words: “Open your mouth and say moo.”

What noise/sound really gets under your skin? How about: tuneless humming, a sniffling person with a cold, a car stereo blasting big bass, someone chewing gum with their mouth open, mosquitoes buzzing, and – our least favorite – the morning alarm.

I always take life with a grain of salt … plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Question: You are average if you have between 40-and-50 billion of THESE.
Answer: Fat cells.

Conformity obstructs progress.

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