October 4, 2000 Edition: #1903
TODAY is “National Golf Day”, a good excuse to review the BS . . .
TEN COMMANDMENTS OF GOLF:
• Thou shalt not play unless thou has lots of balls.
• Thou shall be patient as the 4 doddering, slow, chatting, old crones tee off in front of you.
• Thou shalt not be forced to score a 12, provided there are no witnesses.
• Thou shall be kind to the gopher.
• Thou shalt not hook with water on the left.
• Thou shalt not score lower than the boss.
• Thou shall drink beer to keep thy sanity while playing.
• Thou shalt not peeth in the cup — no matter how badith thou has to go.
• Thou shalt not do golf cart wheelies.
• It is written — a bad day of golf beats a good day of work.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Starting TODAY Michael J Fox is offering the entire set of his “Spin City” apartment, plus scripts and wardrobe in an online auction to raise funds for his Parkinson’s research foundation (NET: http://www.michaeljfox.org) . . . In order to combat free downloads of their latest single “Pinch Me”, the Barenaked Ladies have flooded Napster with a special version that’s interrupted halfway through with a pitch for their album “Maroon” (Napster may soon be no more anyway) . . . “National Post” says Ian Hanomansing, anchor of CBC-TV’s new dinnertime news, “Canada Now”, may be ‘somewhat too good-looking’ (we’re Canadian — we like our anchors wrinkled and balding!) . . . Due to some negative viewer reaction, CTV is undecided whether to air the 2nd season of “The Sopranos” even though the nightly first-season episodes pulled hefty ratings against the Olympics (c’mon, show some spunk!).
CMA TIME:
Faith Hill and Brad Paisley lead nominations for TONIGHT’s 34th annual “Country Music Association Awards”. Both Faith and hubby Tim McGraw are up for ‘Entertainer of the Year’. (Either way, the award goes on the same mantle.)
SLIMMING SUDS:
Chinese scientists say they’ve developed a soap that is clinically proven to remove up to 5 lbs a month AND eliminate wrinkles. The soap, which has to stay on the body for 3 minutes to do its work, contains iodine and kelp (and extra coarse sandpaper).
MORE WEIRD SCIENCE:
University of Texas scientists have managed to produce the world’s first TRANSPARENT RAT. Glycerol injections make the skin so transparent, they say it’s possible to see up to 5 mm into a live animal. (Cool, let’s shoot up the boss and see if she actually has a heart.)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Dot Communist’ . . . An employee of a dot-com company who has stock options, so they own a piece of the action.
• ‘Beltware’ . . . All the techno-junk people are now carrying around on their belts – pagers, cellphones, PalmPilots, etc.
• ‘F-U Money’ . . . Enough acquired wealth to quit your job. Then you can ‘call in rich’.
• ‘Emailingering’ . . . Avoiding doing anything useful at work by wasting time goofing around with your email.
THE BULL SHEET 10.04.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [76] Charlton Heston (John Charles Carter), Evanston IL, National Rifle Association President/movie actor (“Any Given Sunday”, Oscar-“Ben Hur”)
1946 [54] Susan Sarandon (Tomalin), NYC, film actress (“Thelma & Louise”, Oscar-“Dead Man Walking”)
1976 [24] Alicia Silverstone, San Francisco CA, movie actress (“Batman & Robin”, “Clueless”)
1979 [21] Rachael Leigh Cook, Minneapolis MN, movie actress (“She’s All That”) NEXT FILM: “Get Carter” starring Sly Stallone, opening this Friday
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Toot Your Flute Day”, to encourage the idea of selling yourself and telling others how good you are, while rejecting the idea that self-promotion is ‘bragging’.
The world’s 2nd-largest Oktoberfest (after Munich), the 31st annual “Kitchener-Waterloo Oktoberfest”, brags the greatest “Thanksgiving Day Parade” in Canada. This FRIDAY through October 14th over 700,000 are expected to suck back suds and sausages in more than 20 ‘Festhallen’.
PHONER: 888-294-HANS
NET: http://www.oktoberfest.ca
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 [04] A new kind of ‘auto-erotica’ is unveiled as David Cronenberg’s “Crash” opens in Canadian theaters
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1976 [24] 1st female network TV news anchor (Barbara Walters joins Harry Reasoner on “ABC Evening News”
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Oct 9] John Lennon’s 60th Birth Anniversary (1940)
[Oct 9] Thanksgiving Day (no BS service)
National Customer Service Week
Dryer Vent Safety Month (oh no, something else to worry about!!!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done for your pet?”
1-800 NAME GAME:
Get a listener on one line and punch up 1-800-[THEIR NAME] on another line using the touch pad on your phone. Don’t worry about how many letters there are in the name, just pound ‘em all in. If it’s a working 800 number, they win. If not, move on to the next caller until you have a winner.
SCHLOCKTOBER:
We give you a clue, you give the answer that rhymes with October.
• An electrician’s least favorite month. (Shock-tober)
• The month celebrating pointy-eared Vulcans. (Spock-tober)
• The favorite month of dressmakers. (Frock-tober)
• A good month to see your physician. (Doc-tober)
• Shepherds love this month. (Flock-tober)
BS TAG LINE: Doing nothing makes you tired ’cause you can’t take a break.
