September 28, 2000 Edition: #1899
TODAY is “Ask a Stupid Question Day”, because asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake. It’s a good excuse to pose perplexing questions like . . .
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• Do lawyers work in their briefs?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• How long do doctors need to practice before they get it right?
• Why do dirty hands make your nose itch?
• If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The latest Hollywood pairing is said to involve Academy Award winners Helen Hunt, recently separated from hubby Hank Azaria, and Kevin Spacey (“My Oscar’s shinier than yours!”) . . . Best-selling thriller author Tom Clancy’s latest 2-book deal is said to be worth $45 million (we’re talkin’ JK Rowling-type money here) . . . Kathie Lee’s singing career is sagging, with her new album “Born For You” currently at number 2,623 on the charts (she’s dropped ‘Gifford’ — the name not the geriatric jock) . . . And just a warning — word is Kathie Lee may be joining the cast of John Goodman’s upcoming FOX-TV sitcom “Normal, Ohio”.
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
The 5th installment in the “Batman” series is starting to pick up momentum, tentatively titled “Batman: Year One”, it will chronicle ‘Bruce Wayne’s’ transformation into the ‘Caped Crusader’ (who should get the role?) . . . It’s on again — wrestling champ The Rock WILL play the title role in “The Scorpion King”, perhaps persuaded by a $5.5 million fee, a new record for a first-time actor (he’s been acting for years — he’s in the WWF!) . . . There’s not only problems on the set of Pierce Brosnan’s upcoming film “The Tailor of Panama”, THERE IS NO SET, because a crew of Irish builders sent to Panama for location shooting spent so much time in local brothels they were too tired to work (all play and no work . . .).
WHAT DOES YOUR MATE OWN THAT YOU’D LIKE TO TOSS?
A new poll by the makers of “Glad” bags reveals that 49% of respondents have rooted through the garbage to make sure something of theirs wasn’t thrown away. 27% have retrieved something from the trash that a family member threw away. And 6% admit to taking something from a neighbor’s or stranger’s trash.
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Our Aussie contributor Jamie MacDonald informs us that those buoys marking the lanes on the Olympic rowing course are actually TOILET FLOATS that were spray painted. (No wonder our rowers tanked out.)
• An activist group called ‘Women For Free Legs’ has launched a campaign to BAN NYLON STOCKINGS — because they are sexist and unnatural. Their manifesto also calls for an end to leg shaving.. (Hmm, shouldn’t that be a woman-ifesto?)
• Researchers say they don’t know why, but shoe salesmen seem to be 70% more likely to suffer from heartburn and FLATULENCE than the rest of us.
THE BULL SHEET 09.28.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [66] Brigitte Bardot, Paris FRA, ex-actress (“And God Created Woman”)/animal rights activist
1964 [36] Janeane Garofalo, Newton NJ, film actress (“Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle”, “Dogma”)
1967 [33] Mira Sorvino, Tenafly NJ, movie actress (“Summer of Sam”, Oscar-“Mighty Aphrodite”)
1973 [27] Gwyneth Paltrow, LA CA, movie actress (“Duets”, Oscar-“Shakespeare in Love”) who was invited to ex-fiance Brad Pitt’s wedding to Jennifer Aniston but refused to attend NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Ben Affleck in “Bounce”, opening in November
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
In Chinese communities worldwide, TODAY is “Teacher’s Day”, celebrating the birth date of the most venerated of all teachers, Confucius (Kung-futzu), born in 551 BC. You might remember him as the great philosopher who once said . . .
• “Man who put head in fruit drink get punch in nose.”
• “Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.”
• “A wise man makes sure wife’s birthday cake is short one candle. “
• “Man who fight with spouse all day, get no piece at night.”
• “Man who keeps nose to grindstone has sharp boogers.”
• “Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1980 [20] 1st to fly across Atlantic standing on the wing.(Jaromir Wagner)
1991 [09] 1st country album to debut at #1 on pop chart (“Ropin’ the Wind” by Garth Brooks)
1995 [05] 1st MLB pitcher to pitch with both hands (not at the same time — Montreal Expo Greg Harris faces 4 Cincinnati batters, throwing to 2 right-handed and 2 left-handed)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1919 [81] Fastest MLB game as Giants beat Phillies 6-1 in just 51 minutes
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] MLB Playoffs begin
[Sun] Sydney Olympics closing
[Sun] 2000 Prairie Music Awards
Religious Freedom Week
National Sewing Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BRAIN BUSTERS:
• Inside a dresser drawer in a dark room there are 28 black socks and 28 brown socks. What is the minimum number of socks you must take out of the drawer to guarantee a matching pair? [ANSWER: 3. Either they are all of the same color (in which case you’d certainly have a pair) or else 2 are of one color and the 3rd is the other color, so again you’d have a matching pair.]
• How can you drop an egg 3 feet without breaking it if the egg isn’t hard boiled and the floor is cement with no padding? [Hold it 4 feet above the floor when your drop it.]
NAME THAT NOISE:
Have your intern hit the streets with a recorder, collecting sounds from various spots. Play ’em back on-air and ask listeners to identify where the local sounds come from.
BS TAG LINE:
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
