September 7, 2000 Edition: #1884
Canadian female hammer thrower Robin Lyons of Edmonton is protesting her Olympic ban for failing a doping test saying, “I’m not Ben Johnson’. So here’s some BS . . .
SIGNS YOUR OLYMPIC ATHLETE IS USING STEROIDS:
• Her last hammer throw was shot down by jet fighters.
• Refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her valuable distance.
• Complexion beginning to resemble bag of hammers.
• At last competition remainder of event postponed until her hammer landed.
• According to the urine test, she’s 172-week’s pregnant.
• Breaks pelvis but insists she can just ‘walk it off’.
• Starting to look like Alliance Party caucus chair Deborah Grey.
• Um, she’s a female HAMMER THROWER!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Get ready for a call if you’re someone’s phone-a-friend lifeline – they’re taping the Canadian version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” TODAY in NYC for airing next WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY (fake an incoming phone call where you totally blow the answer for a contestant) . . . Jerry Hall’s performance in the London stage production of “The Graduate” is reportedly so bad, producers are considering closing the show 3 months ahead of schedule (she takes her clothes off and they’re still losing money — now THAT’s bad acting!) . . . The British Film Institute has named John Cleese’s “Fawlty Towers” the ‘All-Time Greatest British TV Series’ (we’d have picked his “Monty Python” show) . . . Michael Jackson has been lined up to address students at Britain’s prestigious Oxford University with a lecture on — get this — ‘Child Care’ (next month — Mike Tyson on ‘Dating Etiquette’).
PASS THE HANKIE:
According to a new survey, 40% of women cry at least once a week. Nearly half of working women admit they’ve openly cried on the job. However, there’s a tough-nosed 3% of women who say they never cry at all. (And men?)
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A pediatrician was forced out of her home in southern Wales because of threats and harassment from neighbors who confused the word PEDIATRICIAN with PEDOPHILE. Police say Yvette Cloete is the victim of “extraordinary ignorance”. (We hear she’s a PEDESTRIAN, too!)
• In a bid to promote safe sex, an espresso bar in Italy is now giving out a free condom with every drink. (Only problem is, it’s IN the drink. Ewww!)
• Malcolm Cooper is a traveling salesman from Melbourne, Australia who has a very unusual pet — a trained giant iguana that he claims is a better driver than he is. (Wow, something short and wrinkled behind the wheel that doesn’t always leave the left blinker on!)
• The local version of “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” has become India’s most popular TV program EVER. In the Hindi-language it’s called “Who Will Become a Holder of 10 Million” (rupees, that is, worth about $330 grand). Like here, the show has spawned a catch phrase – the Hindi equivalent of “Are you sure?”. (In the German version the phrase is, “Is zat your final solution?”)
THE BULL SHEET 09.07.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1945 [55] Jacques Lemaire, LaSalle PQ, NHL coach (first coach of expansion team Minnesota Wild, 1995 Stanley Cup champion New Jersey Devils)/Hall of Fame NHL player (Montreal Canadiens)
1951 [49] Chrissie Hynde, Akron OH, classic rock singer (The Pretenders-“Don’t Get Me Wrong”)
1951 [49] Julie Kavner, LA CA, TV actress (voice of Marge Simpson-“The Simpsons”)
1969 [31] Angie Everhart, Akron OH, actress/model most notable for who she’s slept with, a long list that is rumored to include Kevin Costner, Jack Nicholson, Prince Albert of Monaco, Sylvester Stallone (to whom she was engaged) and Ashley Hamilton (whom she briefly married)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Toronto] 25th International Film Festival begins
The “Canadian Open Golf Championship” tees off TODAY-Sunday at the Glen Abbey Golf Club in Oakville ON. Today’s a good time to start a pool on how many strokes Tiger Woods will win by.
PHONER: 905-849-9700 ext 227 or cell 416-573-7527 (Chad Schella-Communications Manager)
NET: http://www.bell.ca/cdnopen/
White Thorn Lodge in Darlington PA hosts the “Volleyball Superbowl” every year on the weekend after Labor Day. What makes it interesting is – it’s NAKED volleyball! (“Look ma, I can serve with no hands!”)
PHONER: 724-846-5984
NET: http://www.whitethornlodge.com/superbowl.htm
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998 [02] Surprise hit “There’s Something About Mary” tops movie box office after 8 weeks in release
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1921 [79] 1st “Miss America Pageant” held in Atlantic City NJ (2-day contest is won by 16-year-old Miss Washington DC, Margaret Gorman, who is 5’1″, 108 lbs and 30-25-32)
1984 [16] 1st ‘Platinum’ credit cards issued by American Express (because by then even a bum like [your co-host] has a ‘Gold’ card)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] National Grandparents Day
[Sun] Emmy Awards
[Mon] Canadian Country Music Awards
National Childhood Injury Prevention Week (careful with that pointed stick or you’ll poke out an eye!)
National Bed Check Month (just checked mine this morning – it’s still empty)
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT’S MY JOB?
We’ll name a TV character. You tell us what they did for a living.
• ‘Howard Cunningham’ in “Happy Days”. [ANSWER: Ran a hardware store]
• ‘Dick Solomon’ in “Third Rock From The Sun”. [ANSWER: Physics Professor]
• ‘Cliff Huxtable’ on “The Cosby Show”. [ANSWER: Ob/Gyn]
• ‘Newman’ on “Seinfeld”. [ANSWER: Postal worker.]
• ‘Homer Simpson’ of “The Simpsons”. [ANSWER: Power plant worker]
BS TAG LINE:
In sports, a ‘free agent’ is anything but.
