September 12, 2000 Edition: #1887
YOU KNOW YOUR COMPUTER IS GETTING OLD IF . . .
• Another day, another blown vacuum tube.
• CD-ROM speed — 45 rpm.
• The only chip inside it is a Dorito.
• To reboot it, you use a 12 oz hammer.
• The school won’t even take it as a donation – as a doorstop.
• Your new watch has more RAM.
• You call the repair shop and they say “Hey, its the museum guy on line one!’
• Stupid thing keeps calling you ‘Dave’.
• The ‘Num Lock’ on the abacus is broken.
• The hard disk is made of wood.
• Young guy who sold it too you is now a Wal-Mart greeter.
• You bought it yesterday.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Q Online” reports Bryan Adams is recovering at his London home after suffering a torn knee ligament and minor scrapes when he drove a motorcycle off a cliff in Jamaica a week-and-a-half ago . . . Shania Twain and producer/hubby Mutt Lange are reportedly working on her next album at their chateau in Switzerland (she’ll be yodelling melancholy grassroots ballads about trying to find good household staff) . . . “Nurse Betty” star Renée Zellweger has been purposely pigging out on PB&J sandwiches and pizza to put on pounds for her next role in “Bridget Jones’ Diary” and it seems to have worked TOO well – fashion mag “Harper’s Bazaar” has dumped her from its OCTOBER cover because she’s just plum porky . . . Word is MP3.com will relaunch its Internet music download service despite being ordered to pay $118 million in damages for copyright infringement (“I want my MP3 . . .”).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Gary Sinise and Tim Robbins in “Mission to Mars”, a sci-fi thriller about an attempt to rescue the doomed first manned mission to Mars . . . John Cusack stars in “High Fidelity”, a comedy about the ‘mid-life’ crisis of a thirty-something record-store owner.
OUT OF THE WOODS-WORK:
According to new stats from the National Golf Foundation, the number of 5 to 11-year-olds playing golf has more than doubled since 1986. (When Tiger turned 11.)
OLYMPIC NOTES:
• Each Olympic athlete in Sydney has been supplied with 51 condoms, even though many teams impose a sex ban during competition. They’d need to have sex 3 times a day for 17 days to use up their quota. (Do you get the feeling we need to add a new Olympic event?)
• NBC-TV has sold out commercial spots for the 2000 Summer Games, harvesting $900 million in revenue – a new Olympic record!
CATS RULE, DOGS DROOL:
According to a new Harvard study, cats really are smarter than dogs. The research used the standard human IQ scale and found that cats rated an average IQ of 7.2 while dogs rate 5.3.
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE POLL:
A new poll by University of Illinois researchers finds men and women differ on what they consider ‘comfort foods’. Women prefer chocolate and cookies while men pick soup, pizza and pasta. (We took an impromptu poll here in the studio and the favorite comfort food was — beer.)
THE BULL SHEET 09.12.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [69] George Jones, Saratoga TX, country legend (“He Stopped Lovin’ Her Today”)
1944 [56] Barry White, Galveston TX, dancin’ oldies singer (“Can’t Get Enough of Your Love”)
1952 [48] Neil Peart, Hamilton ON, classic rock drummer (Rush-“Roll the Bones”)
1966 [34] Ben Folds, Winston-Salem NC, pop/rock singer/songwriter (Ben Folds Five-“Battle of Who Could Care Less”, “Brick”)
1972 [28] Liam Gallagher, Manchester ENG, rock singer (Oasis-“Champagne Supernova”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
They held the “World Blind Golf Championships” YESTERDAY in Edinburgh, Scotland. (The winner hit two birdies, 3 caddies and a stray fox.)
TODAY is “International Video Games Day,” a day for kids who love ’em to celebrate and to thank parents who pay for computers and CD-ROMs. (Catch is, you gotta buy a new one to get thanked.)
THIS WEEK’s “International Housekeepers Week”, honors the efforts of all household staff. So be sure to give your servants an extra day off.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 Producer David E Kelley cleans up at Emmy Awards as “Ally McBeal” wins ‘Best Comedy Series’ and “The Practice” ‘Best Drama Series’
1999 Cleveland’s emotional return to the NFL following 4-year absence is trashed by Pittsburgh Steelers, who embarrass expansion Browns 43-0
1999 Andre Agassi caps one of greatest seasons in tennis history by capturing his 2nd US Open
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1910 [90] 1st ‘policewoman’ (Alice Stebbins Wells-Los Angeles Police Department)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1954 [46] Largest-ever American League baseball crowd (86,563 in Cleveland)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed-Thurs] Canadian “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ?” on CTV
National 5-A-Day Week (fruits & veggies)
National Chicken Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS FOUR PLAY:
Ask listeners to call in “Four-Word Phrases That Mean Trouble”. A couple of primers . . .
• “Look, there’s Bobby Knight!”
• “Who’s your insurance agent?”
• “Here comes the cops!”
• “My parents are home!”
• “The test was positive.”
Q: Who invented scissors — Leonardo Da Vinci, Vincent van Gogh or Francesco Supipa, the famed “Barber of Seville”?
A: Like many other useful inventions, this one’s from Leonardo Da Vinci.
BS TAG LINE: It’s true — money talks! Mine just said goodbye.
