September 5, 2000                                             Edition:  #1882

BS THINGS TEACHERS HATE ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:
• Getting adjusted to new and itchy bulletproof vests.
• For the 8th consecutive year, there’s a student named [your co-host].
• Finding your students have become experts in the three R’s — Reading, ‘Riting and Rasslin’.
• Kids turning in essays on “Who I Shot Over Summer Vacation”.
• Discovering that only a few of the girls developed a decent sized ‘rack’ over the summer.
• Having to erase 500 lines of ‘the new teacher sucks’ off the blackboard.
• Too many students bringing in those new combination ruler-nunchucks.
• Finding you have the only kid in 3rd grade with a beard and a driver’s license.
• At first teachers’ meeting principal says, “My name is Mrs Rosenblum — you may remember me from last year as MR Rosenblum.”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
There’s a new DVD single featuring 2 versions of Madonna’s “Music” video in stores TODAY (a ‘DVD single’ — geez, what next?) . . . And “Martha Stewart Living’s Spooky Scary Sounds for Halloween” also hits stores TODAY (with brochure insert on how to make candy kisses from homegrown sugar cane) . . . NBC wanted “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch to host the upcoming season premiere of “Saturday Night Live” but CBS won’t let him do it (we’re looking forward to the day in the not to distant future when we’ll be saying “Richard who?”).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Oliver Stone’s take on football, “Any Given Sunday”, stars Al Pacino as coach of the fictional Miami Sharks and Cameron Diaz as the team’s owner-without-a-heart . . . The horror thriller ”American Psycho” stars Christian Bale as a Wall Street yuppie with a secret life as a serial killer.

WALK ON:
Tanya Bergeron of Nepean ON has been selected a semi-finalist for a new, reality-based TV show called “Miles For Millions”, in which contestants attempt to walk from Seattle WA to Miami Beach FL — about 5000 Ks. The walk starts January 1st with $1 million going to EVERY contestant who finishes. Edited video will be used for a 13-week series next summer.
PHONER 613-234-9950 (her work number at EduCom in Ottawa)

GOOFY NEW INVENTIONS:
• A Manchester UK company has developed the ‘twobicle’, a double toilet stall designed with women in mind as most seem to prefer a partner when they use the restroom. (That’s only so they can gossip.)
• This week’s edition of “New Scientist” reports that a new robot security guard has been developed in Thailand. The ‘Roboguard’ can be instructed to fire its gun from a computer anywhere in the world. (Oh brilliant, hackers are liking working on this one already!)

SLAMMER SHORTAGE SOON?
The fact that world consumption of tequila has doubled in less than 5 years has Mexican manufacturers worried that they can’t keep up with demand. (Actually they can make the booze — the hard part is persuading the worms to breed faster.)

THE BULL SHEET 09.05.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1921    [79] Jack Valenti, Houston TX, longtime president of the Motion Picture Association of America
1929    [71] Bob Newhart, Oak Park IL, comedian who had several TV sitcoms (“Newhart”, “Bob”)
1940    [60] Raquel Welch (Tejada), Chicago IL, aging former movie ‘sex symbol’ (“100 Rifles”)
1950    [50] Cathy Guisewite, Dayton OH, comic strip cartoonist (“Cathy”)
1969    [31] Dweezil Zappa, Hollywood CA, sometime TV personality/actor/cartoon voicist/rock musician who’s made a living from his celebrity as Frank Zappa’s son

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Be Late For Something Day”, sponsored by ‘The Procrastinators Club’. Its purpose is to let people know that procrastination is not a bad thing. In fact, if you put things off long enough — you won’t have to do them at all! The Procrastinators Club has about 14,000 members worldwide. In the spirit of their philosophy, tomorrow (or maybe next week) is a good time to call. Opponents have declared TOMORROW “Do It! Day” (aka “Fight Procrastination Day”).
PHONER: 215-947-4567 (Les Waas-Huntingdon Valley PA)

SEPTEMBER is “Children’s Good Manners Month”.
BS RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR KIDS:
• Never refer to the teacher as “hey, big butt!”
• Never ride in the very front seat of the school bus after eating a burrito for breakfast.
• Always give the school bully whatever she asks for.
• Try not to blow all your scholarship money on candy.
• Always say thank you to the victim after carjacking their vehicle.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1991     John Travolta weds actress Kelly Preston (it’s their ‘Styrofoam Anniversary’)
1995    Baltimore’s Cal Ripken ties Lou Gehrig’s record by playing in 2,130th consecutive game
1997    Mother Teresa dies in Calcutta at age 87 (she’s fast-tracked for sainthood)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1698    [302] 1st ‘tax on beards’, instituted by Czar Peter the Great in Russia (women pay double)
1885     [115] 1st ‘gas pump’ (since made larger so they can support more numbers in the price sign)
1914    [86] Babe Ruth hits 1st pro HR, playing for minor league Providence team in Toronto

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Toronto International Film Festival begins
[Sun] National Grandparents Day
[Sun] Emmy Awards
Self-University Week (do you still have ‘Homecoming’?)
Subliminal Marketing Month (yesterday I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second)

BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
• “Which trait did you find cute about your partner when you first met that drives you crazy now?”
• “What’s the best ‘make-out tune’ of all time?”
• “Which overused words or expressions are you sick-to-death of?” Here’s a few to get you started – ‘World Class’ (anything that IS doesn’t have to claim to be), ‘At the end of the day’ (if we hear this again we’ll be at the end of our rope), ‘Is that your final answer’ (“Millionaire” fatigue has definitely set in).

BS TAG LINE: Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.