Monday, April 5, 2004 Edition: #2760
BST … Bull Sheet Time!
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “News of the World” claims it snapped Ozzy Osbourne’s 19-year-old daughter Kelly scoring drugs from a dealer in Los Angeles. The tab says after it showed the pictures to Ozzy and wife Sharon, they confronted Kelly and a stash of 500 pills known as ‘Hillbilly Heroin’ was found under her bed. On FRIDAY, brother Jack drove Kelly to the Promises rehab center in Malibu. (Because he knows the way.)
• An Arkansas judge has ruled there’s no evidence whatsoever to support a country bumpkin’s bizarre claim that he was married to “Sex & the City” star Kim Cattrall and had a child with her. “Daily Dish” says the man admitted his story was a tad unbelievable, asking the divorce court, “Who would think that a hick that came in on a pumpkin wagon would be married to a woman like her?” (To which the judge should have replied, “Exactly.”)
• Michael Jackson is attempting to sell a documentary about his 2-day visit LAST WEEK to Washington DC to TV networks. “Daily Variety” says he’s asking for a whopping $3 million for the film footage, which would come with a 10-minute interview thrown in as added incentive. (Geez, are we desperate for cash … or just looking to finance a new nose?)
• “E! Online” reports that a camera crew from Bobby Brown’s production company is following he and diva-wife Whitney Houston around, filming scenes for a reality show he wants to shop to TV networks. (It’ll never work … the TV crew will refuse to do jail time.)
• UK’s ”Sun” tabloid reports a TV anchorwoman is expected to file a $185,000 libel suit in British court THIS WEEK against California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. 32-year-old Anna Richardson claims he pawed her after an interview several years ago. Quote: “When I went to shake his hand, he pulled me onto his knee, saying, ‘I really want to know if your breasts are real.'” She says Ah-nuld then tried to trash her career when she went public about the incident. His excuse – she encouraged this behavior. Meantime, the ‘Gropinator’ is trying to divert all the flak by completing a course on ‘sexual harassment’. (Like he needs lessons?)
• “Sunday Mirror” reports that singer Pink and actress Renee Zellweger will go head-to-head playing legendary rock star Janis Joplin in separate biographical movies. Pink reportedly wowed movie bosses when singing Joplin songs on her current tour. (Without makeup, Zellweger looks like Janis … now.)
• We saw this coming – Ashton Kutcher has now admitted the announcement that his prank show “Punk’d” was canceled was nothing more than – a practical joke. “Daily Dish” says “Punk’d” will return APRIL 25th. (Uh, unless he’s kidding.)
• And “NY Post” says “American Idol” producers threatened a lawsuit when they learned the new CD by the show’s most famous reject, William Hung, was to be titled “Real Idol”. Hung’s debut album, out TOMORROW, will now be called “American Inspiration”. Insiders say Hung’s skyrocket to fame was thought funny at first, but now producers just want Hung to go away because – he’s making a mockery of the show. (And they don’t need any more help.)
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Vampire Babies Born Addicted to Blood!”
• “Bush’s Plan to Protect White House – Paint it Black!”
• “Haiti Selling off Zombies!”
• “500-Pound Supermodel – TV’s New Bachelorette!”
• “Exclusive: First Bigfoot Interview!”
• “Magic Wallet Never Runs Out of Money!”
• “Two in Five Gynecologists Are Fake!”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – TODAY she appears with tour mates Alicia Keys & Missy Elliott on “Oprah”.
• Britney Spears – Her people are in negotiations to take her “Onyx Hotel Tour” to China. Members of her production team are planning a trip to check potential venues.
• Coldplay – Chris Martin is being investigated for allegedly assaulting a photographer (again), this time while leaving a London restaurant with pregnant wife Gwyneth Paltrow.
• Jessica Simpson – TONIGHT she & hubby Nick Lachey appear on “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Jennifer Lopez – A judge has dismissed a lawsuit over her re-creation of scenes from the movie “Flashdance” for the 2003 video “I’m Glad”. The suit was launched by a Canadian woman claiming the 1983 film was based on her life, so she should receive reimbursement.
• Sarah McLachlan – TONIGHT she’s on NBC-TV’s “Last Call With Carson Daly”.
• Kylie Minogue – There’s speculation she may be expecting after she was reportedly spotted buying a pregnancy test kit with French movie hunk boyfriend Olivier Martinez in Pairs.
BIG-TIME PERSONAL AD:
A California property developer is advertising for a wife in LA – on billboards. Self-described ‘good-looking, financially-secure male’ Marc Paskin is looking for a fun, fit woman aged 32 to 46 to share his life and multimillion-dollar Solana Beach waterfront home near San Diego. Paskin says he has a great sense of humour and loves to travel. His perfect mate would have a great smile and a wonderful heart. So far, he’s had over 300 serious responses. (Aw c’mon – it’s all for a reality show, right?)
SWIMMING @ 55 MPH:
A group of athletes has begun an ambitious fund-raiser, ‘swimming’ across Australia in a custom-made pool – on the back of a truck. “Swim Across Australia” began SATURDAY in Geraldton, Western Australia with the goal of trekking all the way to Sydney on the east coast. The 60-strong entourage is tethered to the pool and constantly observed from a lifeguard tower while the truck rolls on at 90 km/hr (55 mph). (If they’re successful they’ll next attempt to ‘drive’ across the Pacific … on the back of an aircraft carrier.)
DE DO DO DO, DE DA DA DA:
Ever wanted to buy a record but can’t remember its title? Arlington VA inventor Lawson Wood is applying for a patent on a system that enables you to identify and buy music online simply by humming or singing part of the tune. Speech-recognition software at his music-download Website will compare sounds sung into a PC’s microphone with a library of stored music tracks. When the site finds a potential match, it will send a short low-quality snippet of the tune back to the customer. If the match is correct, you’ll then pay to download the track. (Phone experiment – have people call in and sing, hum, whistle a tune, then have the morning crew try to name it.)
– “New Scientist”
• A man has been arrested for credit card theft in Germany after he tried to buy beer and cigarettes at a gas station with a stolen card – that belonged to the cashier. When the cashier saw his own name on the card, he locked the suspect inside and called police. (The suspect then flashed the arresting officer’s badge.)
• A 14-year-old Hong Kong girl chased her mom with a knife and a wooden pole after the mother had the audacity to confiscate – her daughter’s cellphone. Police had to use pepper spray to subdue the girl. (Then the mom ‘grounded’ her … for life.)
• A Brazilian car thief returned a stolen vehicle after the owner called a cellphone in the car and explained that he had severe financial problems. The thief listened to the plea, was apparently convinced and – returned the vehicle to parking lot where he’d stolen it. (This is the guy you want for your next salary negotiation!)
• Cambodian police have been accused of extracting confessions from 2 teenaged robbery suspects by forcing them to – eat bananas until they felt sick. (The cops say the true facts will come out … on a peel.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.05.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937  General Colin Powell, NYC, US Secretary of State/ex-National Security Adviser/ex-Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff (1989-1993)
1950  Agnetha Faltskog, Jonkoping SWE, oldies singer (ABBA-“Dancing Queen”, “Mamma Mia”)
1965  Mike McCready, Pensacola FL, rock guitarist (Pearl Jam-“Last Kiss”, “Jeremy”)
1967  Troy Gentry, Lexington KY, country singer (Montgomery Gentry-“ If You Ever Stop Loving Me”, “All Night Long”)
1972  Pat Green, San Antonio TX, country singer (“Guy Like Me“, “Carry On”)
1973  Pharrell Williams, Virginia Beach VA, hip-hop artist (NERD [No One Ever Really Dies])/music producer (his writing and producing duo The Neptunes have manufactured hits for Britney Spears, *NSYNC, No Doubt, Usher, Nelly, Jay-Z, Ludacris & many others)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY we’ll see the “Full Moon” variously known as the ‘Mating Moon’, ‘Hare Moon’ or ‘Pink Moon’.
TODAY is “Make Your Children Laugh Day”. Fortunately, it’s a helluva lot easier than making adults laugh.
TODAY is “Go For Broke Day”, a day to throw caution to the wind and go all out (give it all you’ve got, don’t hold back, all or nothing, start giving 110%, let her rip, balls to the wall!)
TODAY is “National Pay Equity Day”, promoting equal pay for equal work. (In which case, [co-host] is WAY overpaid!)
TODAY through Wednesday is the 8th annual “Sami Film Festival” in Kautokeino, a town of 3,000 located 280 miles north of the Arctic Circle in Norway’s far north. The festival will feature about 80 films by or about indigenous peoples. Here’s what makes this film festival really unique – to facilitate the film showings, the Sami reindeer herders have built – a snowmobile drive-in theater.
TODAY at sundown, the Jewish holiday of “Passover” begins. The 8-day celebration of the delivery of Jews from slavery in ancient Egypt is also known as “Pesach”. Unleavened bread, called matzo, is eaten to symbolize the hurried exodus from Egypt.
TODAY is “National Road Map Day”, the highlight of “Reading a Road Map Week”, which promotes map reading as an ‘enjoyable pastime’ and survival skill for drivers. The motto for the week is, ‘Happiness is knowing how to read a road map’. (Wow, it’s that simple? Who reads the map during your family trips?)
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1987  FOX-TV debuts with 2 Sunday night programs – “Married … With Children” and “The Tracey Ullman Show”
2001  Eminem is sentenced to 2 years’ probation for carrying a concealed weapon outside a suburban Detroit nightclub
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1985  The song “We Are the World” is played simultaneously on more than 5,000 radio stations
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1970  1st ‘Nerf Ball’ (next day, a lamp gets knocked over during 1st game of touch football in the living room)
1971  1st woman to reach North Pole (Fran Phipps, wife of Canadian pilot Weldy Phipps)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2000  ‘Loudest burp’ on record, according to “Guinness Book of Records” (Paul Hunn lets one fly that registers 118.1 decibels, the equivalent of sitting in the front row at a rock concert)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Plan Your Epitaph Day
[Wed] “The Bachelor” premieres on ABC-TV
[Wed] Hug Your Newsman Day
[Wed] No Housework Day
[Wed] World Health Day
[Fri] Good Friday
[Sat] Golfers Day
[Sun] Easter Sunday
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Golden Rule Week
National Library Week
Laugh at Work Week
Testicular Cancer Awareness Week
Public Health Week
Egg Salad Week
Birth Parents Week
Week of the Young Child
Pet First Aid Awareness Week
Medic Alert Week
Publicity Stunt Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
IF 99.9% IS GOOD ENOUGH, THEN …
• 315 entries in Webster’s Dictionary will be misspelled.
• 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
• 880,000 credit cards will have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
• 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
• 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
• 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents today.
• 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped every year.
• 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled every hour.
• 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
• A typical day would be 24 hours long – give or take 86.4 seconds.
BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Ask a kid, any kid to finish these famous proverbs …
• “A closed mouth catches . . . [no flies.”]
• “There’s no place like . . . [home.”]
• “You never miss the water till . . . [the well runs dry.”]
• “Keep a thing for seven years and . . . [you’ll always find a use for it.”]
• “The eyes are the window of . . . [the soul.”]
• “A drowning man is not troubled by . . . [rain.”]
• “The darkest hour is just before . . . [the dawn.”]
• “Necessity is the mother of . . . [invention.”]
• “Speech is silver, but . . . [silence is golden.”]
• “No man can serve . . . [two masters.”]
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• I’m really suffering from back problems … back taxes, back rent, back car payments.
• Speeches are like babies … easy to conceive but hard to deliver.
• It’s better to have loved and lost than to do 14 loads of laundry a week.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 37% of women think THESE are really dumb, but 40% of guys think they’re perfectly okay.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pick-up lines.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
He who laughs, lasts.
BS Saving Time – We Do the Prep FOR You!