April 1, 2005

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Friday, April 1, 2005     Edition: #3003
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

TODAY multi-colored dance floor from the 1977 movie “Saturday Night Fever” goes up for auction at a live sale and on eBay and is expected to fetch over $80,000 (one of those considering it is the guy who made it famous – John Travolta) . . . . TONIGHT “Invasion Iowa” debuts on Spike-TV, a spoof show in which a dysfunctional Hollywood production team crashes the tiny town of Riverside IA supposedly to make a sci-fi movie starring William Shatner, but unbeknownst to locals – there’s really no movie at all, just an elaborate practical joke (April Fools!) . . . TONIGHT Paula Abdul will no doubt get a driving lesson from Jay Leno when she appears on “Tonight Show” . . . SATURDAY VH-1’s new show “Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp” debuts, featuring ‘camp counselors’ like Roger Daltrey (The Who), Dickey Betts (Allman Bros) and Bret Michaels (Poison) dishing out advice (it’s not your parents’ summer camp … er actually, maybe it is!) . . . SATURDAY Ben Stiller hosts Nickelodeon’s 18th annual “Kids’ Choice Awards” . . . SATURDAY “The Contender’s” Sylvester Stallone inducts wrestler Hulk Hogan into the” WWE Hall of Fame” in an LA ceremony that will air on Spike-TV . . . “People” magazine is reporting that Hollywood couple Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher have not only bought matching wedding bands, but she’s pregnant (for about the 85th time in celeb mags) . . . Brad Pitt has reportedly handed estranged wife Jennifer Aniston the keys to their $14-million Hollywood mansion even before their divorce is finalized because – she said she wanted it.


• Charlotte Church – The 19-year-old Welsh soprano has learned a lesson about privacy in the age of technology. A topless photo she took of herself on her cellphone and sent to her boyfriend has ended up being seen by thousands after he lost his phone … and no doubt will appear in at least one of the UK tabloids THIS WEEKEND.
• Jennifer Lopez – TODAY she’s on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• The Killers – TOMORROW they’re on “Saturday Night Live” on NBC-TV.
• Sting – TONIGHT he kicks off his stripped-down “Broken Music Tour”, featuring just 3 backup musicians, at California’s San Jose State University. Most of the North American tour’s dates are at college campuses.
• Tim McGraw – He’s the face and voice of the new blood donor drive called “Neighbors Give Life”.

• “Sin City” (R-Rated Crime Thriller): This adaptation of Frank Miller’s comic books follows 3 stories that interconnect. Bruce Willis plays a cop who’s sworn to protect a stripper (Jessica Alba); Mickey Rourke plays a guy who meets the girl of his dreams (Jamie King), only to see her murdered on the same night; and Clive Owen plays a photographer bent on revenge who runs up against a violent tough-guy (Benicio Del Toro). Rosario Dawson, Elijah Wood, Josh Hartnett & Brittany Murphy co-star. The movie’s producer/director Robert Rodriguez scored “Kill Bill: Vol 2″ for $1, so Quentin Tarantino promised he would repay that by directing a segment of this movie for $1 … which he did.
• “The Upside of Anger” (R-Rated Dramedy goes into Wide Release): Joan Allen plays a widow who’s recovering from the loss of her husband and struggling to raise her daughters when she meets a former baseball player who now hosts a radio show (Kevin Costner). Costner’s character is an amalgamation of legendary Detroit Tiger pitcher Denny McLain & former Tiger-turned-LA Dodger slugger Kirk Gibson.

Canada’s 34th annual music awards air SUNDAY live from the MTS Centre in Winnipeg on CTV, hosted by “Corner Gas” star Brent Butt. A few highlights …
• CTV will attempt to meld a live, half-hour, pre-awards red carpet show into its regularly scheduled episode of “Desperate Housewives”.
• Avril Lavigne leads the nominations with 5, followed by Diana Krall with 4.
• Those 2 are nominated for ‘Artist of the Year’ alongside Bryan Adams, kd lang & Celine Dion.
• Billy Talent, Great Big Sea, Simple Plan, Sum 41 & Tragically Hip are up for ‘Top Group’.
• Performances include Billy Talent, K-OS, kd lang, Simple Plan, Neil Young and Tragically Hip.
• A special tribute to homegrown artists will include Winnipegers Randy Bachman, Burton Cummings and Chantal Kreviachuk
• Tragically Hip will be inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame by Sarah Harmer (thanks to Dan Aykroyd reneging.)


Axon Sleep Research Laboratories is developing a headband called ‘SleepSmart’ that’s designed to be worn overnight. Rather than waking you up at a precise time – say 7am – the headband monitors your brain waves using special sensors and wakes you up sometime in the half-hour leading up to 7am when you are in a light phase of sleep, which is far less traumatic than being jolted out of a deep-sleep phase. (The downside is you never actually sleep thanks to this torture device strapped to your skull.)
– “Boston Globe”

TODAY 35-year-old Gerrard Gosens of Brisbane, Australia sets out to climb Mount Everest. That wouldn’t be particularly noteworthy except – he’s blind! He says his friends think it’s an April Fool’s joke, but it’s not. His climb will not be much different from a sighted person’s, although he’ll be assisted by 2 Sherpa guides (who run up and down the damn mountain all day). If he makes it, Gosens won’t be the first blind climber atop the world’s tallest peak. That honor goes to American adventurer Erik Weihenmayer who reached the summit in 2001. (Watch, they’ll walk him up a long flight of stairs and say, “Hey, you made it!”)
– “The Australian”


Prince Albert, the heir apparent of Monaco, has had many girlfriends but may never marry because none of them seem to want to put up with living in the media fish-bowl of the principality. That could have meant no son to carry on the dynasty, but 3 years ago Monaco’s constitution was changed to allow succession to pass to Albert’s sisters, his aunts and their children. This leaves open the possibility that the future monarch of Monaco will be called Prince Keith – the relative who is currently 12th in line. (Or perhaps the family cross-dresser, Princess Ralph.)
– “Social Studies”


A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … parents should help their kids do homework. A long-term study finds that making homework fun and lending support helps motivate kids and makes them more persistent. (It also can lead to an 85% reduction in whining.)
• Scientists say … playing video games could help you look younger. How so? Some experts believe the exaggerated facial expressions made during a gaming session may help reduce the signs of aging. (Great, but you’ll have an ass 5-feet-wide.)
• Scientists say … a good beating with a cane on the naked buttocks is a way to cure everything from depression to alcoholism. Russian researchers at the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine say that caning releases endorphins, leading to feelings of euphoria, a reduction of appetite, the release of sex hormones and an enhancement of the immune response. (Yep, there’s nothing like a festering wound from a good ol’ beatin’ to cheer you up!)

The average yawn lasts about 6 seconds. (Coincidentally, also the average length of punch lines on this show!)


“I gave him mouth-to-mouth for 45 minutes before they peeled me off.” – “Sin City” actor Mickey Rourke telling “Rolling Stone” magazine how traumatic it was to lose his … dog.


1932 [73] Debbie Reynolds, El Paso TX, former movie actress (“Singin’ in the Rain”, “Tammy & the Bachelor”)/former pop singer (“Tammy”)/Carrie Fisher’s mom (subject of Fisher’s book/movie “Postcards From the Edge”)

1953 [52] Barry Sonnenfeld, NYC, movie director (“Men in Black 1 & 2″, “Get Shorty”)/movie producer (“Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”, “The Ladykillers”)

1980 [25] Bartholomew J ‘Bart’ Simpson, Springfield, fictitious brat (“The Simpsons”)

Country singer Emmylou Harris is 58; TV actor Christopher Meloni (“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”) is 44; Country singer Buddy Jewell is 44; Country singer Billy Dean is 43; Guitarist Greg Camp (Smash Mouth) is 38.

Vegas entertainer Wayne Newton is 63; Movie actor Alec Baldwin (“The Cooler”) is 47; Broadway actor David Hyde Pierce (“Spamalot”) is 46; Movie actor Eddie Murphy (“Shrek 2″) is 44.

TODAY is “April Fool’s Day”. The custom of playing practical jokes on friends was part of the celebrations in ancient Rome on MARCH 25th, known as “Hilaria”. The timing seems related to the vernal equinox and the coming of Spring, when nature fools us with sudden changes. A few foolish facts …
• Many say the observance originated with the reform of the calendar when “New Year’s Day” was moved from APRIL 1 to JANUARY 1. Those who clung to the old “New Year’s Day” were scoffed at as ‘fools’ and sent fake party invitations and prank gifts. That tradition began in France around 1564, where an ‘April Fool’ is called a ‘poisson d’avril’ (April fish). The French fool friends by taping a paper fish to their backs. When you see one you yell, ‘Poisson d’avril!’.
• Widespread observance began in the 18th century in England, where tricks can be played only in the morning. If a trick is played on you, you are a ‘noodle’.
• In Scotland, April Fools Day is 48 hours long and you are called an ‘April Gowk’, another name for a cuckoo bird. The second day is called ‘Taily Day’ because it’s dedicated to pranks involving the buttocks. It’s lasting gift to posterior posterity is the ‘Kick Me’ sign.
• In India, the final day of the “Feast of Huli” begins MARCH 31, and is traditionally celebrated by acts of mischief.
• Since 1980, the day has been celebrated in San Francisco CA as “St Stupid’s Day”, when a wacky parade is held.
• In NYC, the 20th annual (fictitious) “April Fool’s Day Parade” will feature retired CBS-TV anchor Dan Rather as ‘Grand Marshal’, President George W Bush singing “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition”, Donald Trump handing out pink slips while wearing one, ‘SpongeBob SquarePants’ screaming “I’m not gay!”, and Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi looking for the Halloween Parade. Parade committee chair and media hoaxer Joey Skaggs says that every year plenty of April fools show up along the Fifth Avenue parade route, accompanied by TV camera crews, for the sadly nonexistent event.
• This is also the beginning of “National Laugh Week” and “Humor Month”, focusing on the therapeutic value and vital need for laughter and humor in health care.
– “Book of Days”, “World Holiday Book”

TODAY is the 10th annual “International Fun At Work Day”, a day to lighten up at the office.
How to have fun? Here’s a few of our faves –
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, “I just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
• In the ‘subject’ field for all your e-mails, write ‘For Sexual Favors’.
• In a colleague’s daily planner, write in the 10am slot: ‘See how I look in tights’.
• Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him/her they’ve won a lunch for 4 at a local
restaurant. Let him/her go.
• Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
• Finish all your sentences with ‘in accordance with the prophecy’.

TODAY (or any day through the 5th) is the 5th “International Edible Book Festival”, a yearly event when edible books are exhibited from 2-4pm local time, then tea or coffee is served and the books are consumed. Books made from all manner of foodstuffs – beets, lettuce, bologna, toast, liver, etc. THIS YEAR events will take place in 19 US states, Canada, Britain, Australia, New Zealand, and 8 other countries. Check here for a place in your area where you can eat some tasty tomes …
NET: http://www.colophon.com/ediblebooks/books2eat2005.html

TODAY is also –
• “Repot Your Plant Day” … or is it “Replant Your Pot Day”? We can never get it straight.
• “One Cent Day”, celebrating the world’s most useless currency.
• “National Sleep Day”, to encourage the sleep-deprived to get ‘8 Zs, please’.

• “International Children’s Book Day”, celebrated on the birthday of one of the most famous children’s authors, Hans Christian Andersen, born in Denmark in 1805.
• “Reconciliation Day”, a day to write a letter or make a phone call in order to mend broken relationships.
• “Peanut Butter & Jelly Day”, celebrating what may be the world’s most popular sandwich.

THIS WEEKEND is “Alcohol Free Weekend”, thanks to the National Council on Alcoholism & Drug Dependence … who apparently won’t be going to any Final Four parties.

THIS WEEKEND is the 29th “Spamarama” in Austin TX, the annual ‘pandemonious party of potted meat’ featuring the ‘Spamalympics’, ‘Spam Cookoff’, ‘Wild Spam Call’, and ‘Spam Relay’.
PHONER: 512.834.1827 (Spamarama Hotline)
NET: http://www.spamarama.com


1957 [48] BBC-TV reports a ‘Record Spaghetti Harvest’ in the Italian Alps, showing farmers snipping away at ‘spaghetti trees’ with extra-large scissors

1970 [35] John Lennon & Yoko Ono release a statement saying they’re about to undergo side-by-side sex-change operations

1992 [13] 1st players’ strike in NHL’s 75-year history (a week before Stanley Cup playoffs, dammit!)

1997 [08] ‘Blended Sales Tax’ combining GST & PST goes into effect in Maritimes

1999 [06] Canada’s new territory ‘Nunavut’ officially splits from Northwest Territories

1929 [76] 1st ‘Yo-Yo’ developed as a toy by Louie Marx (originally a weapon in the Phillippines)

1949 [56] Earl Tupper 1st patents ‘Tupperware’ (original Tupperware is now being collected as an antique)

1972 [33] 1st ‘Bar Codes’ in supermarkets (and 1st incorrect price is discovered on a cash register tape)


1930 [75] Chicago Cub Leo Hartnett breaks ‘Altitude Record for a Catch’ by catching a baseball dropped from Goodyear blimp hovering 800 ft over Los Angeles – unfortunately the force of the catch shatters his jawbone!

[Sat] NCAA Final Four Basketball begins (St Louis MO)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins (2 am) / Check Your Smoke Detector Batteries Day
[Mon] Toronto Blue Jays season opener (Tampa FL)
[Mon] NCAA Final Four Basketball final (St Louis MO)
[Tues] ‘Canada Day’ at Expo 2005
[Wed] “Canadian Idol” auditions (Charlottetown PEI)
This Week Is . . . Anonymous Giving Week
This Month Is . . . Home Improvement Month / Month of the Young Child


“I’m not mad at you.”
“I don’t mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys.”
“I’m just not ready for a boyfriend right now.”
“I don’t mind picking up the tab tonight. You always pay anyway.”
“You’re the best in bed.”
– AskMen.com

SUNDAY is “Armenian Appreciation Day”, honoring all those who are descendent from the small country bordering the Black Sea. So to celebrate, get a listener or studio guest to guess if the following folks are of Armenian heritage … or dead (they can’t be both).
• Canadian film director Atom Egoyan. [ARMENIAN]
• Children’s entertainer Raffi (Cavoukian). [ARMENIAN]
• Larry Fine of “The Three Stooges”. [DEAD]
• Singer Gwen Sefani. [ARMENIAN]
• Hollywood star Audrey Hepburn. [DEAD]
• Tennis player Andre Agassi. [ARMENIAN]
• Rock band System of a Down. [ARMENIAN]
• Acting legend Marlon Brando. [DEAD]
• Chess champ Gary Kasparov. [ARMENIAN]
• Aging pop diva Cher (Sarkissian). [ARMENIAN]
• “Munsters” actor Fred Gwynne. [DEAD]
Check out the ‘Armenian Hall of Fame’ here …
NET: http://www.cilicia.com/armo22.html


• If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you? Whom?
• If you could have a starring role in a movie already made, which would you pick?

Today’s Question: People who make over $75,000/year typically have 4 or more of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Watches.

There was never an age in which useless knowledge was more important than in our own.
– British philosopher CEM Joad … who died in 1953.

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