Wednesday, April 23, 2003        Edition: #2525
Sweet Sheet!

TONIGHT “Friends” star Matthew Perry joins “The West Wing” for two episodes, playing a Republican lawyer hoping to land a job as White House associate counsel . . . Word is Britain’s Prince Charles has made a full recovery from his recent hernia operation (he’s looking forward to getting back to doing nothing all day) . . . Jennifer Lopez now reportedly employs a ‘professional coat holder’ whose sole job is to follow her around and look after her wraps and coats when she wants to shed them, and to also make sure J-Lo’s many furs aren’t vandalized by PETA supporters (the pay scale is a little above ‘professional butt wiper’) . . . Meantime, reports say that Ben Affleck has to call J-Lo’s personal assistant to arrange times to see his future wife (and he still wants to marry her?) . . . No surprise that a new poll by “Radar” magazine finds that 68% of respondents think Ben Affleck has become a ‘wussy’ . . . MTV reports Gwen Stefani is in the studio with hit-song-writers the Matrix (Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears) working on solo material while No Doubt is on hiatus . . . Beyonce Knowles is being sued by her management company which claims the singer-cum-actress owes them over $88,000 in commissions from her L’Oreal contract (pocket change for her) . . . “Phone Booth” star Colin Farrell would apparently like a stab at a rock career and has recently spent time writing music with newlywed Russell Crowe (likely just to take a run at the new wife) . . . 25-year-old Irish heartthrob actor Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (“Bend It Like Beckham”) has screen-tested to become the next ‘James Bond’ (soon-to-be-50 Pierce Brosnan is signed to star in one more ‘007′ movie before hanging up the ol’ tux) . . . And because you really need to know – Britney Spears has reportedly had her hair cut into a short bob and dyed brown.

• ‘Channel Blurring’ – The new phenomenon of inventory enlargement whereby big discount stores like Wal-Mart are looking more like your grocery store and supermarkets are looking more like Wal-Mart. This ‘channel blurring’ is an attempt by both to squeeze out even more consumer dollars.
• ‘Paperweight’ – A useless product or service often thrown in during a sale to give the appearance of ‘added value’. (“All our computers come with 24-hour toll-free technical support … if you can get through.”)
• ‘Sippy Cup’ – The baby-talk term used for those spill-proof cups with the built-in spout that toddlers drink from. It’s just been accepted as an addition to the Oxford English Dictionary. (Odds are the childish phrase originated with a parent, not a kid.)
• ‘Preward’ – A reward given in advance as motivation to tackle a big project. (“Good news, team – I’m taking you all out for a lobster lunch to kick off the big May campaign!”)

TODAY 30-year-old Swedish elder care worker Angelika Wedberg has a job interview with a company called Map Media for a position paying a third more than her current job. None of this would be noteworthy had it not been for her method of drumming up interest. After giving up on conventional job hunting, she placed an ad in the “Goteborgs-Posten” newspaper reading, “I want a well-paid job. I have no imagination, I am anti-social, uncreative and untalented.” Ever since, job offers have been pouring in! Seems it’s true – all publicity is good publicity.

Researchers at California’s Salk Institute believe they’ve identified a protein that regulates how much fat the body burns, which could lead to development of new drugs to control obesity. In studies, mice engineered to activate the protein stayed thin despite their high-fat diets while normal mice became chubby. Human trials could begin within a year. (Early studies show that Anna Nicole Smith and Luciano Pavarotti don’t have a pair of the genes between them.)

The newly published book, “The Rules: A Man’s Guide to Life” by the editors of “Esquire” magazine, is designed as a men’s manual to life in the 21st century and offers more than 500 rules. A few highlights –
• When it comes to luggage, men don’t pull.
• No talking at the urinal.
• The fatter the man, the smaller the swimsuit.
• The best blind dates are with girls named ‘Kelly’ or ‘Samantha’.
• You cut the fat, you cut the flavor.
• Pennies are inappropriate at strip clubs.
• Never trust anyone with a phone number that ends in ‘00′.
• Born-again Christians have the most meticulously parted hair.
• If there is danger involved, it is fun.
• A man should avoid using the phrase ‘assume the position’ on the first date.

• It takes about 100 maple trees to make 25 gallons of maple syrup. (No wonder the stuff’s priced like liquid gold!)
• According to a new poll conducted for the “2003 InfoSecurity Europe” conference, 90% of employees surveyed would be happy to give out their company’s computer password – in exchange for a free pen!
• A typical man is 50 to 70% water, or 47 liters. A typical woman is 40 to 60% water, or 33 liters. (Proof that women have more substance!)


1960 [43] Valerie Bertinelli, Wilmington DE, TV actress (Gloria-“Touched by an Angel” since 2001, “One Day at a Time” 1975-84)/estranged Mrs Eddie Van Halen  UP NEXT: Co-stars with Peter MacNicol in the upcoming CBS sit-com pilot “Crazylove”.

1961 [42] George Lopez, Mission Hills CA, standup comedian/TV sitcom actor (“George Lopez”)/sometime movie actor (“Real Women Have Curves”)/former radio morning man at MEGA 92.3 LA

1967 [36] Rheal Cormier, Moncton NB, MLB pitcher (Philadelphia Phillies)

1970 [33] Scott Bairstow, Steinbach MB, movie actor (“Tuck Everlasting”)/TV actor (“Wolf Lake” 2001, “Party of Five” 1998-99)

1977 [26] Andruw Jones, Willemstad, Curacao, $10-million-a-year MLB outfielder (Atlanta Braves)

[Newfoundland & Labrador] St George’s Day

TODAY is the 51st annual “Administrative Professionals Day”, formerly known as “Secretaries Day”. Some fun facts –
• A survey by the National Institute of Business Management finds 10% of admin staff admit to having been romantically involved with the boss. Stats show 1 in 8 of these boss/assistant romances end up in marriage.
• According to the International Association of Administrative Professionals, ‘educational events’ and ‘group recognition’ are the best ways to observe “AP Week”, but a poll finds the most wanted gifts for “AP Day” are actually spa certificates, time off, and restaurant gift certificates – and make that for two, please!

TODAY is the 8th annual “Canada Book Day”, celebrating Canadian books and authors. There are now over 42,000 Canadian book titles in print (about 500 by Margaret Atwood, the rest about hockey). This year’s theme is ‘Literary Landscapes & Literary Sites’ (zzzz). “Canada Book Day” coincides with “World Book Day” TODAY, as declared by UNESCO.
PHONER: 416-504-8222 (Writers’ Trust of Canada-Toronto ON)

TODAY is the anniversary of both William Shakespeare’s birth and his death (1564-1616), the bard of Stratford-on-Avon ENG who composed 37 plays and 154 sonnets. For sooth! The annual “Bard’s Birthday Celebration” will be held in many locations around-the-world, including the home of Canada’s annual “Shakespearean Festival”, Stratford ON.

TOMORROW is “World Laboratory Animals Day”, the highlight of “World Week For Laboratory Animals”, on behalf of the – quote – ‘billions of animals who are burnt, sliced, crushed, electrocuted, gassed, poisoned with toxic chemicals, psychologically tormented, and killed each year in laboratories around the world’ (well, seems like an open-minded group).
PHONER: 323-993-5720 (Foundation for Animal Liberation)/310-271-6096 x31 (Last Chance for Animals)

THIS WEEK is the 9th annual “TV Turn Off Week” when we’re encouraged to turn off the tube and pursue alternative activities. Based on AC Nielsen figures, by age 65 the average person spends nearly 9 years glued to the tube and watches about 2 million TV commercials.

1896 [107] 1st ‘motion picture’ shown to general public (Vitascope system used to project a film onto a screen in a demonstration at Koster & Bials Music Hall in NYC)

1956 [47] Elvis Presley 1st appearance in Las Vegas (audiences are unimpressed and the 2-week engagement is cancelled after a single week)

1964 [39] 1st MLB no-hitter pitched – for a LOSS (Cincinnati Reds beat Astros’ pitcher Ken Johnson 1-0 on 2 costly Houston errors)

1969 [34] John Sinclair completes record walk of 215 miles in 48 hours – NON-STOP!

1996 [07] NHL single-game record crowd of 28,183 watches Philadelphia beat Tampa

1997 [06] ‘Oldest known woman to give birth’ as California infertility doctor announces 63-year-old Rosana Della Cortes has given birth from a donor egg (record may have been broken recently by a 65-year-old in India)

[1 week today] Revenue Canada filing deadline
[Thurs] Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day (USA)
[Fri] Anzac Day (Australia/NZ)
[Sat] 14th GLAAD Media Awards
[Sun] Hairball Awareness Day
This Week is . . . National Science & Technology Week (aka ‘Geek Week’)
This Month is . . . Canada-US Goodwill Week (aka ‘Thanks for the Help in Iraq Week’)

• Aries – Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Make sure you’re back in time for dinner.
• Taurus – Today you will find yourself up the creek with a large selection of paddles with you. Excellent planning on your part!
• Gemini – You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
• Cancer – Today you will discover that it’s bad luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
• Leo – Today you will discover that you are capable of ‘channeling’ when you start spouting ancient Sumerian curses at a short little twerp who cuts you off in traffic.
• Virgo – They say the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. The smart thing to do is fire your mice.
• Libra – Excellent time to do some personal re-engineering. Face it, your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer.
• Scorpio – Congratulations! Planet alignment indicates you’re going to have a wonderful day … in exactly 18 months from today.
• Sagittarius – Tomorrow when you wake up you’ll make an unpleasant discovery – at some time during the night you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
• Capricorn – Today someone named ‘Vlad’ will appear at your door carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement you will let him in.
• Aquarius – You find that after all these years you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. Ironically, you will find that frightening.
• Pisces – Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it!

See if you can name the Stanley Cup playoff team by the origin of its nickname –
• Until 1919 this team was called the Arenas, then was renamed St Pats until 1926. Its current nickname may have come from a WWI regiment. [Toronto Maple Leafs]
• This team’s name was chosen from 25,000 entries in a contest, even though the winning entry was spelled differently. [Philadelphia Flyers, which the kid who won spelled ‘Fliers’.]
• This team’s nickname is a result of the stormy weather in its hometown. [Tampa Bay Lightning. Tampa FL is known as the ‘lightning capital of the world’.]
• This team name draws its inspiration from a famous song by bluesman WC Handy. [St Louis Blues]
• This team is named after a legendary half-man, half-beast who roamed the backwoods of this state for over 250 years. [New Jersey Devils. Hatched in the early 1700s, the ‘Jersey Devil’ purportedly stalked NJ’s Pine Barrens, mutilating his victims.]
• This team’s name comes from the state motto of Minnesota. [Nope, not the Minnesota Wild. It’s the Dallas Stars, who moved from Minnesota in 1993 where they were known as the North Stars. Minnesota’s state motto is ‘Etoile du Nord’ or ‘Star of the North’.]
• This team is named in honor of the city’s original 1901 amateur team that went on to win 6 Stanley Cups. [Ottawa Senators]
• This team’s unfortunate name can be blamed solely on Walt Disney Co CEO Michael Eisner. [Anaheim Mighty Ducks, a 1993 expansion team that got its ridiculous name from the 1992 hit Disney movie starring Emilio Estevez.]
• This nickname’s taken from a Canadian folk hero, who became famous in WW2 comic books. [Vancouver Canucks. Legend has it ‘Johnny Canuck’ was a great logger, and a skater and hockey player in his spare time.]
Source: “Les Canadiens Magazine”/various Internet sites.

• Parts of today’s show were pre-recorded … and then erased.
• Marriage is like wine. The older it gets the more bottled up you feel.
• It’s “TV Turn-Off Week”. What’s the problem with TV anyway? TV is more interesting than people. If it weren’t, we’d have people standing in the corner of our living rooms.

Today’s Question: 55% of us say if we see someone else doing this, we’ll probably do it too.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Yawn.

Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth just sucks.


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