Wednesday, April 2, 2003        Edition: #2510
“There’s No BS Like Show BS …”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT a new episode of MTV’s “Making the Video” features Avril Lavigne . . . A day after it premiered in the UK, Madonna has decided to scrap her anti-war video for the single ”American Life”, purportedly ‘out of respect for armed forces in Iraq’ (translation: it was shot before the war began and it’s hopelessly out-of-date) . . . Word has it J-Lo is obsessed with the late Jackie Onassis and believes they are linked in some way (um, multiple marriages?) . . . J-Lo is also said to be obsessed with the newest celeb fad – the salmon diet, which according to Hollywood dermatologist Nicholas Perricone leaves your skin so smooth, it’s like a ‘facelift in your fridge’ (yeah, but your breath!) . . . Ohmygawd, Beyonce Knowles & Jay Z are apparently back together again (be still my heart!) . . . Word has it Celine Dion will haul down at least $100 million for her 3-year stint in Vegas (that’s $6 billion Canadian) . . . And 21-year-old Britney Spears appears to have a new guy – 31-year-old race car driver Tony Stewart, whom she apparently was ‘all over’ at the “Samsung/Radio Shack 500″ in Fort Worth TX (be safe honey, make sure he wears a helmet!).

21ST CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Centergistic’ – Focusing on one main goal or purpose. (“We need to be centergistic on finishing this morning’s show without attracting a lawsuit.”)
• ‘Viagra Pops – The nickname for new libido-boosting drinks containing Chinese aphrodisiacs, passion fruit and vodka. The target market is young people. (In that case, why bother?)
• ‘Manny’ – A new term for a male nanny. (As opposed to a fanny?)
• ‘Embedded’ – It’s become the term for anyone attempting to fit into another environment since being repeated ad nauseam to describe journalists assigned to military units in Gulf War 2 – an idea that may never be repeated thanks to the likes of Geraldo Rivera. (Notice it sorta sounds like ‘in bed with’?)

SIZE DOES MATTER:
A new study in “Everywhere” magazine suggests that height ratio may be important to the success of relationships. It seems that most men prefer to look down on their women, meaning a height mismatch can contribute to marriage breakdown. Case in point – Tom Cruise 5′-7″,  Nicole Kidman 5′-11″.

POOR GAME PLAYERS:
People in homes where the annual income is less than $35,000 a year spend about 50% more time per week playing video games than those in homes with incomes above $74,000, according to a new study from Jupiter Research. (How can you make any money when you’re playing with your joystick all day?)

THE ALL-NEW FART FILTER:
Brian Conant of Cedar Rapids IA has patented a new device called the ‘Flat-D’ that’s designed to be inserted in the back of underwear to act as a – flatulence deodorizer. He was inspired to create the gizmo after he discovered the charcoal-lined chemical protection suit he wore during National Guard training solved his personal problem with natural gas. He claims his 5 by 8-inch charcoal fabric pad will absorb 90% of the odors that pass through the flatulence filter, and – bonus! – it works in both sitting or standing positions!
PHONER: 866-354-0056/319-447-4840
NET: http://www.flat-d.com

CLONE CREAM:
There’s a high-end new facial cream that will set you back $250 for just 1.7 oz because the manufacturer incorporates your own DNA into it. The company claims using your DNA helps to better heal your skin and take away wrinkles. (In Hollywood, there’s a run on the DNA for plastic.)

WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• Italians often live with their parents well into their 30s, so how are they supposed to get a little privacy? The Tuscan town of Vinci thinks it has the answer – Italy’s first ‘Love Car Park’, a pre-planned ‘lovers lane’ complete with soft lighting and special trash bins for condoms. They’re still deciding whether to install a condom machine. Car sex is legal in Italy – as long as the windows are covered up. (Don’t forget to take along your copy of the ‘Car-ma Sutra’.)
• Police in Romania have discovered an adult brother and sister sharing a bedroom with their father – who died 3 months ago! The thoughtful siblings decided to keep the old man on, so they could continue cashing his pension cheques!
• German artist Bernd Eilts says he’ll soon market wrist watches made of – cow poop. In the past, he’s turned cow manure into wall clocks by allowing cow patties to dry out a few weeks before sculpting, painting & lacquering them. (They go ‘dung dung dung dung’ on the hour.)
• A news reporter for Swaziland’s state-run radio station who was supposed to be covering Gulf War 2 from the front has been found in his home country’s parliament building – broadcasting out of a broom closet. (Have you ever faked being on-location?)
• A health nut in Holland claims that for the past 11 years he’s eaten nothing but – pigeon food. The man credits the odd diet with keeping him in top form. (But his wife is furious because he keeps crapping on the windshield.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Most people will eat one-and-a-half to 2 times the number of potatoes mashed than they would eat baked.

THE BULL SHEET 04.02.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [56] Emmylou Harris, Birmingham AL, country singer with 7 Grammy Awards (“Blue Kentucky Girl”)

1961 [42] Christopher Meloni, Washington DC, TV actor (Detective Elliot Stabler-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”)

1962 [41] Billy Dean, Quincy FL, country singer (“It’s What I Do”, “We Just Disagree”)

1967 [36] Greg Camp, West Covina CA, pop guitarist (Smash Mouth-“I’m A Believer”, “All Star”, “Walkin’ on the Sun”)

1969 [34] Tony Fredianelli, Las Vegas NV, rock guitarist (Third Eye Blind-“How’s It Going To Be”, “Jumper”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Children’s Book Day”, celebrated on the birthday of one of the most famous children’s authors, Hans Christian Andersen, born in Denmark on this day in 1805. He penned 168 fairy tales in all, including “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, “The Princess and the Pea”, “The Ugly Duckling”, “Thumbelina”, and “The Little Mermaid”.
BS LEAST RECOMMENDED CHILDREN’S BOOKS:
• “The Little Engine That Couldn’t Get It Up”
• “Babar the Elephant Road Tests His Vasectomy”
• “Tom, Dick & Harry: A Young Girl’s Romantic Adventures”
• “Curious George & The Lady of Ill Repute”
• “Different Ways to Spell Bob”
• “Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom’s Purse”
• “Let’s Visit the Urologist’s Office!”

TODAY is “Reconciliation Day”, a day to write a letter or make a phone call in order to mend broken relationships. (“Sorry about that April Fools Day whoopee cushion!”)

TODAY is “National Peanut Butter & Jelly Day”, celebrating what may be the world’s most popular sandwich. But what else have you sandwiched with peanut butter? We like PB and tuna.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1902 [101] 1st ‘motion picture theater’ opens (LA’s Electric Theater charges 10-cent admission for an hour, including films “The Capture of the Biddle Brothers” and “New York in a Blizzard”)

1956 [47] 1st episode of daytime TV drama “As the World Turns” (Susan Lucci doesn’t win an Emmy)

1978 [25] ‘Velcro’ 1st introduced (inspired by the little hooks on burrs that attach to clothing)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1975 [28] ‘World’s tallest free-standing structure’, Toronto’s CN Tower, is completed (555 m/1,821 ft)

1980 [23] Toshiaki Shirai & Yukiki Nagata of Tokyo set world record for ‘underwater kissing’ (2 minutes, 18 seconds)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day
[Fri] Tell-A-Lie Day
[Sat/Mon] NCAA Final Four Tournament (New Orleans)
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
This week is . . . National Reading a Road Map Week (no probs reading one, folding one is the problem!) / Testicular Cancer Awareness Week
This month is . . . Alcohol Awareness Month / Month of the Young Child

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit when you finally get time for a midlife crisis, you don’t have the energy for it?
• Whyzit impossible to tickle yourself?
• Whyzit apes don’t evolve into humans anymore?
• Whyzit the people who look the worst in shorts are the ones who take up jogging?
• Whyzit the phone company gives you a number to call if your phone doesn’t work?
• Whyzit hedge trimmers don’t come with a warning about the dangers of wearing camouflage pants?
• Whyzit when you’re right no one remembers but when you’re wrong no one forgets?

TOP SEARCH TERMS ON YAHOO:
1. SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome)
2. Kazaa (Napster’s music file swapping replacement)
3. Iraq
4. Eminem
5. 50 Cent
Source: “Buzz Index”

BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
• Which War of 1812 hero has a Canadian university named after him?
a) Sir Isaac Brock
b) Sir Robert McMaster
c) Sir Simon Fraser
[Brock, in St Catharines ON.]

• You’re suffering from ‘circadian disrhythmia’. What’s it commonly known as?
a) Off-key singing.
b) Heart murmur.
c) Jet lag.
[You must be one of the few remaining airline passengers in the world – it’s jet lag.]

• What are baby beavers called?
a) Puppies
b) Kittens
c) Beavettes
[They’re known as kittens.]

• The French word ‘Alouette’ translates into which English word?
a) Meadowlark
b) Warrior
c) Pigskin
[Meadowlark.]

• You just purchased a ‘malamute’. What should you do with it?
a) Wax it.
b) Feed it.
c) Eat it.
[Feed it – it’s a sled dog.]

• What’s been called the ‘Newfoundland grape’?
a) Blueberries
b) Cod tongues
c) Screech
[Blueberries.]

• What were once called ‘CPR strawberries’?
a) Train tickets.
b) Dried prunes.
c) The bruises you got from sitting on hard seats.
[Dried prunes.]

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Well, so much for the dress rehearsal. Be sure to join us tomorrow for the real thing.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 81% of women say they really like guys who aren’t afraid of doing THIS in public.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dancing.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A new broom sweeps clean … but an old one knows the corners.

 


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