Wednesday, April 18, 2001 Edition: #2036
YOU MIGHT BE A BACHELOR IF . . .
• You never listen to your voice messages when a female is around.
• It takes you 10 minutes every 6 months to buy new clothes.
• You use a stapler to adjust the length of your pants.
• You bought clean guest towels 3 years ago and they are still hanging up — unused.
• You’ve often wondered how many empty pizza boxes constitutes a collection.
• You can clean engine parts in the bathtub without someone yelling at you.
• Your car gets waxed more often than the toilet gets cleaned.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Paul McCartney meets with US Secretary of State Colin Powell in Washington to discuss his opposition to land-mines (Powell is expected to ask, “Why the Wings reunion?) . . . Buzz is “Will & Grace” stars Debra Messing and Eric McCormack (see Celebrity Birthdays) have been feuding so much OFF the screen that the show’s producers have enrolled them in twice-weekly counselling sessions . . . An episode of the new game show ”The Weakest Link” has already been shot featuring “Survivor I” contestants Richard Hatch, Susan Hawk, Sean Kenniff, Ramona Gray, Gretchen Cordy and Joel Klug to air during the May TV sweeps . . . We’d bet the farm that Michael Jackson tribute show that’s been announced for September will never happen (and when tickets don’t sell some medical excuse for cancelling will be trotted out) . . . And word is a laxative was used as a stand-in for the ‘cocaine’ Johnny Depp snorts in the movie “Blow” (which may explain how the movie turned out).
The latest casual wear showing up at high schools and colleges is – pajama bottoms. They’re especially popular among girls, who reportedly enjoy the ‘convenience and comfort’.
• British Telecom researchers claim that within 20 years we’ll be able to record our entire lives on little ‘black boxes’ similar to those used on airplanes. Instead of having to rely on memories, they say we’ll simply ‘play back’ experiences for ourselves and others. (Like your wife needs help remembering something you said 15 years ago.)
• A ‘spinal cord stimulator’ designed to relieve back pain apparently has an unexpected benefit – the ability to cause women to orgasm. The surprise side effect was discovered by a North Carolina anesthesiologist when he placed the device’s electrode into a female patient’s back and she groaned — big time. Now he’s trying to talk manufacturer Medtronic into redefining their marketing of the gizmo. (And the necessity of a male species retracts another notch.)
MAJOR LEAGUE BEEFS:
A poll of baseball fans finds 42% think stadium food is too expensive, 31% find tickets too steep and 12% complain about the price of parking. Only 1% are completely content to attend a ball game. (They’re the ones in corporate boxes.)
SEX VS MONEY:
44% of respondents in a “Money” magazine poll say they think about money more often than sex. 15% think of sex more often. (And the rest think about how to get enough money to have sex.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.18.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947  James Woods, Vernal UT, film actor (“Any Given Sunday”, “The Ghosts of Mississippi”)
1953  Rick Moranis, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Honey I Shrunk [Blew Up] the Kids”, “The Flintstones”)/TV comic (McKenzie Brothers-“SCTV”)
1961  Jane Leeves, London ENG, TV actress (Daphne Moon-“Frasier”)
1963  Eric McCormack, Toronto/raised in Calgary, TV sit-com actor (Will Truman-“Will & Grace”) NOTE: Does cameo in Barenaked Ladies “Pinch Me” video as Burger Palace customer
1963  Conan O’Brien, Brookline MA, TV host (“Late Night with Conan O’Brien”, since 1993)
1976  Melissa Joan Hart, Smithtown NY, TV actress (Sabrina Spellman-“Sabrina The Teenage Witch”, since 1996)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• TODAY is “International Jugglers Day”, which either has to do with circus acts or tax accountants.
• TODAY is “Pet Owners Independence Day”, a day when dog and cat owners are encouraged to take the day off and have their pets work in their place, since most pets are unemployed and sleep all day. FACTOID: Who takes care of the family pet? Research shows women are in charge when it comes to feeding and grooming, but when its time for a daily walk — that’s male territory!
ON THIS DAY . . .
1999  Greatest hockey player of all time Wayne Gretzky ends NHL career with 4 farewell laps around NY’s Madison Square Garden (holds 61 NHL records at the time)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1979  Then-world’s-largest movie complex, 18-theater ‘Cineplex’, opens in Toronto
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tonight] NBA regular season ends (playoffs begin Saturday)
[Thurs] Holocaust Remembrance Day
Pan American Week (hey, let’s hold a party in Quebec City!)
Women’s Eye Health & Safety Month (to hell with men)
BULL’S BITS . . .
Ex-con David Novak’s book “Down Time: A Guide to Federal Incarceration” helps new convicts learn prison etiquette and how to survive behind bars. He’s turned his knowledge into a business, with some 500 clients now paying $70-an-hour for his consulting service. So how do you ask the axe murderer you bunk with to stop snoring? And is it bad form to offer to push in a cellmate’s stool at the prison lunch counter? PHONER: 360-882-2932 (Vancouver WA) NET: http://www.davrie.com
ANGST ON THE WEB:
Here’s a fun Website – “The Alanis Morissette Random Lyric Generator” allows you to fill in boxes for things you hate, favorite colors, ex-boyfriends, etc – then just click a button to create your own Alanis song. NET: http://www.brunching.com/toys/toy-alanislyrics.html
• Who am I? Born: 1893 Height: 35½ inches Weight: 32 lbs. [The Stanley Cup]
• What team won the most CONSECUTIVE Stanley Cups? [Montréal Canadiens, who won 5 in-a-row from 1956-1960. (Source: “Sports Illustrated”)
BS TAG LINE: Great beer bellies are made, not born.