Wednesday, April 16, 2008        Edition: #3755
Sheet Happens!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“CSI” actor Gary Dourdan is set to hang up his crime scene jumpsuit, announcing he’ll leave the show when his current contract expires in MAY (he’s played ‘Warrick Brown’ ever since the CBS-TV show debuted in 2000) . . . Britney Spears has reportedly been documenting her turbulent life through video diaries over the last 6 months and is rumored to be considering (threatening?) to release the footage online . . . Martial arts movie actor Jackie Chan says he & Chris Tucker are set to make a 4th movie together, but it will NOT be another “Rush Hour” film (he admits on his blog he’s never fully understood the humor behind the “RH” movies because it’s ‘too Americanized’) . . . A rep for Paul McCartney’s ex-, Heather Mills, denies the new 50-millionaire is currently house-hunting in NYC’s Greenwich Village, claiming she simply ‘doesn’t have enough money’ to buy a home there (BS translation: we’re still looking for ways to appeal the divorce settlement) . . . Stars from “American Idol”, such as Kelly Clarkson & Carrie Underwood, are now appearing on a series of limited-edition postage stamps, with net proceeds going to ‘Idol Gives Back’ (NET: http://photo.stamps.com/Store/brand/americanidol) . . . British Airways has offered model Kate Moss financial compensation after 8 pieces of her Louis Vuitton luggage has gone missing before an LA flight from Heathrow Airport’s trouble-plagued new Terminal 5, the offer coming shortly after it was ‘discovered’ that a $20,000 birthday present for a friend was in one of the bags (only a supermodel would be dumb enough to put something that valuable in checked baggage!).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bon Jovi – There’s said to be an internal fight at the Laguna Beach CA Police Department, where the brass is pushing for child endangerment charges to be filed against Richie Sambora in connection with his MARCH 26 DUI bust. His 10-year-old daughter, her 17-year-old cousin, and Richie’s GF were also in the car when he was popped.
• Buckcherry – They’re hoping for a summer release for the follow-up to 2006′s platinum album “15”. With songwriting almost finished, the plan is to hit the recording studio in MAY.
• Led Zeppelin – Jimmy Page says that, although it was recorded, there are currently no plans to release a CD and/or DVD from the DECEMBER reunion concert at London’s O2 Arena.
• Mariah Carey – The 38-year-old claims her latest fitness regime has literally given her the body of a teenager, as she’s now the same size as in Grade 10. Along with rigorous workouts, she’s cut out fatty foods, anything cooked in butter, and mac & cheese. Still has a big head though.
• Queen – Before being installed as Chancellor of Liverpool John Moores University YESTERDAY, guitarist Brian May confirmed that a sequel to the mega-hit musical “We Will Rock You” is being planned, and that Queen will release a new album later THIS YEAR.
• Sugarland – A live version of “Life In a Northern Town”, recorded with Little Big Town and Jake Owen when the 3 acts toured together LAST FALL, is getting increasing airplay even though it’s not a single (yet) or on any album. The tune was a mid-’80s pop hit for Dream Academy.
• Toni Braxton – The Flamingo Las Vegas says her show will remain dark while she has more medical tests following her APRIL 7th hospitalization for chest pain. Although she was released the following day, LAST WEEK’s shows were canceled. She’s now scheduled to return MAY 6.

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “America’s Next Top Model” (CW) – The girls get tips from model-judge Paulina Porizkova on how to act in front of red carpet cameras. (What, they couldn’t get Gary Busey?)
• “American Idol” (FOX) – Mariah Carey performs just before another contestant goes home in this week’s results show. (“After that shrill exhibition of vocal calisthenics, we’re saying goodbye to Mariah.”)
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – Rock guitarist Slash discusses his new autobiography. (It’s not entitled “Why I Hate Axl Rose” … although it should be.)
• “Presidential Debate” (ABC) – Democratic candidates Barack Obama & Hillary Rodham Clinton go at it for 2 hours just ahead of what could be the definitive primary next TUESDAY in Pennsylvania. (Instead of a boring debate, why not mud wrestling?)

RENTAL WHEELS:
The bike-sharing programs that have become so popular in Europe are now en route to North America. Clear Channel Outdoor together with the District Department of Transportation will launch the USA’s first bike-share service in Washington DC this MAY. Here’s how it works: SmartBike DC users sign up for a membership card online that allows access to lightweight rental bicycles at self-service bike stations around the city. When they’re finished using a bike, they simply dock it at the closest bike station. (It’s a fee-based variation of the ‘white bike’ system long used in the Netherlands in which anyone can use a white bicycle free, then leave it for the next person.)
NET: http://www.smartbike.com/
– “Cosmopolitan”

WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• Thailand’s Health Ministry is attempting to enforce a ban on … ‘cosmetic castration’. There’s wide-spread belief among Thais that being castrated before the full onset of puberty allows a young boy to develop more feminine features as s/he grows older. The increasingly popularity of the ‘ladyboy’ look has driven the price of the procedure as low as $125 on the underground market. The government says the fad has created a massive health risk for boys. (You go through that and PAY for it? Ow!)
– Reuters
• Switzerland is the last Western European country where it is still legal to sell … cat pelts. Legal, that is, but increasingly stigmatized and soon the Swiss are likely to outlaw the practice as well. Italy was the first to outlaw it, but only 6 years ago, illustrating the long European history with car fur and how quickly the public has soured on its use for garments and blankets.
– “New York Times“
• A man in Bosnia whose house has been hit by meteorites 5 times since NOVEMBER believes … aliens must be out to get him. Belgrade University experts are investigating magnetic fields around his property in order to determine why his home keeps getting hit. But the resident says it’s obvious he’s being targeted by extraterrestrials because the odds of being hit by a meteorite are so small that getting hit 5 times has to be deliberate.
– Ananova News
• US postal workers in Madison WI are being stalked and attacked by … a mob of sex-crazed wild turkeys. So far, 3 mail carriers have been attacked by the mating turkeys, some as large as 40 lbs. A Department of Natural Resources official says there’s no firm explanation although the toms may see the mail carriers as competitors for females. (“Mmm, just look at that ruby wattle on her …”)
– “Chicago Tribune“
• A travel writer who worked on more than a dozen books for the “Lonely Planet” series now admits … he made up portions of his articles. Thomas Kohnstamm says he never even visited Colombia, one of the countries he reviewed. He’s now written a book about his experiences entitled “Do Travel Writers Go to Hell?“ (After you develop botulism from a restaurant recommended in his writings, the answer will be “YES!”)
– CNN

THE ANATOMY OF ECONOMY:
New research by Cambridge University in England has found that the profits made by stock traders tend to peak when their testosterone levels are highest. The flipside is that these same testosterone levels encourage the (mainly male) traders to think with parts of their anatomy other than their brains and take greater risks. This risk-taking can become irrational and even addictive. The consequences of the rapid decisions they have to make can have profound consequences on the stock market. (We’re having a recession due to … hormones?)
– “Times of London”

BS BUZZWORDS:
New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Cleantech’ – Technology that helps reduce environmental problems or at least is environmentally friendly in itself. (“We’re taking a cleantech approach to laundry, substituting borax for bleach and vinegar for softener.”)
• ‘Digital Native’ – Someone who’s grown up in the e-tech world of computers, mobile phones, and other digital devices. (“Don’t ask me how to install your cellphone battery, ask your teenager … she’s a digital native.”)
• ‘Zombie Debt’ – Old debt that seems to have risen from the dead. It’s become increasingly common since credit card companies began selling off delinquent accounts to aggressive collection agencies. (“I’m being stalked by zombie debt, my VISA bar tab from 1998!”)

BEST STUTTERING SONGS OF ALL-TIME:
5. “Bad to the Bone” – George Thorogood (1982).
4. “Ch-Check It Out” – Beastie Boys (2004).
3. “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” – Bachman-Turner Overdrive (1974).
2. “Surfin’ Bird” – The Trashmen (1963).
1. “My Generation” – The Who (1965).
– “Blender Magazine”

PAY-TO-PLAY IS ON-THE-WAY:
Scientists at IBM’s IBC Research Center in San Jose CA have announced they’ve developed a new type of storage device capable of holding 100-times more information than those in current use. Why? They’re predicting the day will come when hand-held media devices come pre-loaded with thousands of movies, videos, and music tracks that can be individually unlocked by a code, thereby eliminating the need for slow downloads. The new mini-storage units are smaller than those now used in iPods, able to hold about 3,500 full-length movies, and can run on a single battery charge for weeks at a time. (This is like buying a cheap car then paying a fee every time you want to ‘unlock’ its optional equipment.)
– “Science”

OVER 40 & HOT!
A new ranking of the sexiest 40-plus actresses, listed in alphabetical order …
• Diane Lane (43) – Mrs Josh Brolin, who smoldered in “Unfaithful” (2002).
• Famke Janssen (42) – ‘Jean Grey’ in the “X-Men” movies.
• Halle Berry (41) – Even while pregnant she was a hottie!
• Helen Mirren (62) – “The Queen” Oscar-winner is the most mature woman on the list.
• Joan Allen (51) – Spy boss ‘Pamela Landy’ in the ‘Jason Bourne’ movies.
• Kelly Preston (45) – Mrs John Travolta looks like she’s permanently 32.
• Michelle Pfeiffer (49) – “Stardust” and “Hairspray” showed off her gently aging beauty.
• Nicole Kidman (40) – The “Moulin Rouge” star has no need of rumored Botox treatments.
• Teri Hatcher (43) – The “Desperate Housewives” star is looking better than she did 10 years ago.
• Vanessa Williams (45) – ‘Wilhelmina Slater’ on “Ugly Betty”.
– StarPulse.com

BS AMAZING FACT:
When given a choice, cats will select foods with powerful aroma, high fat content, a variety of textures (ie: commercial soft & hard food mixed together), and food that’s around the temperature of freshly slaughtered prey. (Yum!)
– TheDailyCat.com

BS CHRONOMETER 04.16.08

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1927 [81] Pope Benedict XVI (Joseph Ratzinger), Marktl am Inn, Germany, 265th and reigning Pope/head of the Roman Catholic Church/Sovereign of the Vatican City State since 2005

1954 [54] Ellen Barkin, NYC, movie actress (“Ocean’s 13”, “The Big Easy”)

1964 [44] David Pirner, Green Bay WI, alt-rock singer/guitarist (Soul Asylum-“Misery”, “Runaway Train”)

1965 [43] Jon Cryer, NYC, TV actor (‘Alan Harper’ on “Two & a Half Men” since 2003)

1965 [43] Martin Lawrence, Frankfurt-am-Maim, Germany, movie actor (“Wild Hogs” “Bad Boys”, “Big Momma’s House”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Eggs Benedict Day”, a day to enjoy heart-attack-on-a-plate: Poached eggs topped with back bacon (what Americans insist on calling ‘Canadian bacon’) served on toasted English muffins and slathered in Hollandaise sauce … made of even more egg-yolks and butter.

• “International Noise Awareness Day”, the 13th observance originally started by NYC’s ‘League For the Hard of Hearing’ in 1996 and now observed in more than 20 countries. In celebration, we’re encouraged to observe the ‘Quiet Diet’ – 1 minute of quiet, regardless of where we are from 2:15 to 2:16 pm.
NET: http://www.lhh.org/noise

• “Librarian Day”, honoring Dewey Decimal devotees everywhere … but not too loudly. Shhh!

• “Stress Awareness Day”, focusing on one of the world’s leading health problems and a highlight of “Stress Awareness Month”.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1978 [30] Jimmy Buffett releases “Son of a Son of a Sailor” album, featuring the track “Cheeseburger in Paradise” (and ‘Parrot Heads’ are born)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1863 [145] ‘Lacrosse’ 1st named Canada’s national sport (now shares designation with hockey)

1929 [79] 1st MLB team with uniform numbers (NY Yankees)

1943 [65] Chemist Albert Hoffman takes 1st ‘LSD Trip’ as a tiny amount of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide accidentally seeps through the skin of his finger

1956 [52] 1st ‘Solar Powered Radio’ (only works about 3 times a year in Vancouver)

1989 [19] Kelly Gruber becomes 1st Toronto Blue Jay to ‘Hit for the Cycle’ (Jeff Frye also accomplishes the feat in 2001)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1996 [12] Chicago Bulls win NBA-record 70th regular season game

2007 [01] ‘Virginia Tech Massacre’, deadliest mass shooting in modern American history as a single gunman shoots 32 dead and injures 23 others before committing suicide

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Canadian Equality Day
[Thurs] International Ford Mustang Day
[Fri] “88 Minutes”; “The Forbidden Kingdom”; “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”; and “Pathology” open in movie theaters
[Fri] International Jugglers Day
[Fri] Pet Owners Independence Day
[Fri] Teach Children To Save Day
[Sat] Husband Appreciation Day
This Week Is … Bike Safety Week
This Month Is … Alcohol Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS

YOU MIGHT BE A CAT LOVER IF…
• You don’t move a muscle when kitty falls asleep on your lap, even if your leg’s asleep too.
• Picking out stray particles of kitty litter from your cat’s claws doesn’t gross you out.
• Your cat’s name is your online name.
• People say “What a lovely Angora sweater!” and you say “What sweater?”
• You don’t care which part of her body kitty has licked before kissing you on the lips.
• You let kitty drink the milk while you eat the breakfast cereal.
• You’ve playfully scolded ‘Snookums’ for talking too much.
• You call your own answering machine just so the cats can hear your voice.
• You refer to your parents as ‘grandma & grandpa’ but you have no children.
• You can tell which of your cats threw up just by examining the hairball.

BS PHONE STARTER:
If you could ensure that your kids never have one experience that you’ve had, what would it be?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Men and women agree on one issue at least … they both distrust women.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A woman with THIS is statistically more likely to get married.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A university degree.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Each day the world turns over on someone who was just sitting on top of it.


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