Friday, August 26, 2005        Edition: #3103
Another Sheetload of Bull!

TONIGHT Kanye West, Fat Joe & The Game are scheduled to appear at the 5th annual “BMI Urban Awards” in Miami, honoring the past year’s most performed urban music . . . Producer Mark Burnett plans to release a compilation album featuring the 6 remaining singers on “Rock Star: INXS” SEPTEMBER 20th . . . Dreamworks has given the go-ahead for development of a screenplay for “Old School 2″ (sub-heading as yet undecided), a sequel to the 2003 Will Ferrell hit comedy . . . Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline has reportedly found a job as a dance instructor at Darrin Henson’s Dance School in Los Angeles, something to take to the bank while he’s also recording his debut album (hey, he’s working for two now) . . . Mary-Kate Olsen is said to be mulling a mega-bucks contract to become the new face of Calvin Klein (so she can afford food) . . . Hotel heiress Nicky Hilton has reportedly upset sister Paris by agreeing to be in the bridal party for Nicole Richie when she weds DJ Adam Goldstein (Paris has reportedly never forgiven Nicole for screening her notorious sex video at a party, but they’re contractually obligated to appear in another season of “The Simple Life”) . . . “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria is battling severe headaches after being knocked unconscious by a metal pole LAST WEEK on the set, causing changes to the show’s production schedule (co-star Teri Hatcher sent her a hard hat filled with candy as a get-well gift) . . . Actress Scarlett Johansson (“The Island”) is said to be ready to move in with actor boyfriend Josh Harnett (“Sin City”) and they’ve been scoping out places to buy in NYC’s Soho and West Village . . . And in an attempt to turn around declining sales, “Playboy” magazine’s first ‘digital version’ (which will mirror the print version) will be available in SEPTEMBER, when readers can buy either a subscription or single copy that can be downloaded (wow, naked women online – how innovative!).

• All-American Rejects – TONIGHT they do “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Brad Paisley – His 4th album, “Time Well Wasted”, has sold more than twice the first-week sales of his previous, “Mud on the Tires”. It debuts at #1 on “Billboard’s” country albums chart
• Ciara – The 19-year-old ‘First Lady of Crunk & B’ has selected the slow jam “And I” as the next single from her album “Goodies”. She penned the track when she was only 15.
• Jason Mraz – TONIGHT he appears on ABC-TV’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”.
• Kathleen Edwards – TONIGHT she’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Keane – TOMORROW they appear on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”.
• Pearl Jam – Here comes another new techno-twist. They’ll make each concert of their fall tour available for digital download at their Website just a few hours after the shows end … at $9.99 per show.
• Rolling Stones – They’re adding 14 shows to their “Bigger Bang” tour, now underway.
• Toby Keith – He’s scheduled a press conference for WEDNESDAY in Nashville to officially launch his own record label. However, he still owes DreamWorks 1 more album before he’ll be able to release music on the new label.     

• “The Brothers Grimm” (PG-13 Fantasy Adventure): Matt Damon & Heath Ledger portray fairy tale-telling brothers  Wilhelm & Jacob Grimm as 18th-century con men who convince people to pay them to banish strange creatures from their villages. Director Terry Gilliam had Damon take tango lessons so he wouldn’t move like ‘such a mook’. Shot in the Czech Republic.
• “The Cave” (PG-13 Horror Thriller): Cole Hauser & Eddie Cibrian play brothers who gather a team of professional cave explorers to investigate a newly-discovered underground ecosystem in Romania. But once they’re a mile underground they have a run-in with a nasty new breed of flesh-hungry beast.
• “Undiscovered” (PG-13 Drama-Romance): Big sis’ Jessica already hit the bigscreen in “The Dukes of Hazzard” and now Ashlee Simpson is following suit in this indie film about a group of wannabe entertainers trying to make it in Hollywood. Perhaps surprisingly, Ashlee plays an aspiring actress.

SUNDAY Diddy hosts the 22nd annual ceremony from Miami’s American Airlines Arena on MTV (MuchMusic in Canada). A few highlights …
• Green Day leads nominations with 8; Gwen Stefani & Missy Elliott have 6 apiece; U2 has 5.
• Performers include R Kelly, Kelly Clarkson, Green Day, 50 Cent, Shakira, Mariah Carey, The Killers, and Kanye West.
• Gift bags being handed out to performers are valued at over $26,000 and include an iPod shuffle with MTV logo, a glass-checker set from Jose Cuervo, and an orange Paul Frank watch.

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … that people who smoke pot or indulge in the party drug ecstacy are impairing both their short-term and long-term memories. (The reason you rarely see a junky on “Jeopardy!”)
• Scientists say … a new drug has been developed which temporarily reverses the effects of sleep deprivation on the brain. (The bad news is, it’s called crystal meth.)
• Scientists say … that seniors who are computer savvy have fewer depressive symptoms than those who are not. (Warning: That happy funster you’re flirting with in a chat room may not have teeth!)
• Scientists say … that just thinking that a painkiller will work prompts your brain to release its own pain-fighting chemicals, thus bringing relief. It seems pain is all in your brain. (Save money – instead of Tylenol, buy PEZ and truly believe!)

Warner Music has announced plans to introduce a digital-only record label, in hopes of finding a solution to file-sharing and Internet piracy, and change the way new and existing artists release music to the public. The new format will mean artists can release 2 or 3 tunes at a time, thereby removing the pressure of creating an entire album. It’s hoped it will be most beneficial to new artists struggling to be heard. (Not to mention one-hit-wonders.)
– “Chart” magazine.

Japanese company Tomomasu has introduced a new beer – for kids. It’s actually a soft drink sold in dark brown bottles that pours with a frothy head, just like the stuff daddy drinks. According to the new product’s promotional campaign, it’s aimed at youngsters who want to have their first taste of alcohol. (Then swear, throw stuff and kick down doors just like daddy.)

According to new research, gossip can help stamp out bad behavior, strengthen friendships and circulate important information not available anywhere else. According to an 18-month study by anthropologists Kevin Kniffin & David Wilson, when people huddle to share info about an absent person, it is a deep-seated instinct, the equivalent of social grooming. (Yeah, except when apes are grooming, they don’t plunge a knife into each other’s back.)
– The journal “Human Nature”.

An at-home acne treatment device that uses heat to zap zits has hit the market and more than 10,000 of the devices have been sold to dermatologists, cosmetic surgeons and other doctors. Tyrell Inc, manufacturer of the ‘Zeno’, expects to ship nearly 100,000 devices by the end of the year. The gizmo looks like a sleek, silver cellphone and sells for $225, with a $35 tip that needs replacing after 90 treatments. ‘Zeno’ uses a patented technology called ‘ClearPoint’ to deliver controlled, low-level doses of heat to blemishes, killing the bacteria that cause them. (Sort of like a taser for your face.)
– CNN/Money

36-year-old Suresh Joachim of Mississauga ON is currently attempting to rock his way to his 31st world record – 75 hours of ‘Continuous Rocking in a Rocking Chair’. Joachim has already set 30 previous “Guinness World Records”, including ‘Non-Stop Bowling’ (100 hours), ‘Longest Time Spent Standing Motionless’ (21 hrs, 30 mins), ‘Longest Time Spent Balancing on One Foot’ (76 hrs, 40 mins), ‘Traveling on an Escalator’ (7 days), ‘Longest Dance Marathon’ (400 hrs), and ‘Longest Non-Stop Drumming’ (84 hrs).


1961 [44] Jimmy Olander, Palos Verdes CA, country singer (Diamond Rio-“Beautiful Mess”)

1966 [39] Dan Vickrey, Walnut Creek CA, rock guitarist/vocalist (Counting Crows-“Big Yellow Taxi”)

1969 [36] Adrian Young, Long Beach CA, rock drummer (No Doubt-“It’s My Life”)

1969 [36] Melissa McCarthy, Plainfield IL, TV actress (‘Sookie St James’ on “Gilmore Girls” since 2000)

1980 [25] Macaulay Culkin, NYC, movie actor (“Home Alone”)/former Michael Jackson pal

Retired country musician Jeff Cook (Alabama) is 56; Rock guitarist Alex Lifeson (Rush) is 52; Rock bassist Tony Kanal (No Doubt) is 35; TV actress Sarah Chalke (“Scrubs”) is 29.

Canadian Primie Minister Paul Martin is 67; Pop/country singer Shania Twain (“Forever & For Always”) is 40; Movie actor Jack Black  (“School of Rock”) is 36; Country singer Sherrie Austin (“Never Been Kissed”) is 35; Country singer Leann Rimes (“Probably Wouldn’t Be This Way”) is 23.

TODAY is –
• “Make Your Own Luck Day”, a day to take affirmative action to gain control of your life.
• “Women’s Equality Day”, celebrating the civil rights movement by women that had its formal beginnings in 1848 at the world’s first women’s rights convention, in Seneca Falls NY. It’s also the anniversary of the 1920 creation of the 19th Amendment to the US Constitution that prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex.
• “Montréal World Film Festival” through September 5th.One movie that WON’T be showing is “Karla”, after Air Canada threatened to pull its sponsorship.
PHONER: 514.848.3883 (Department of Communications)

• “Petroleum Day”, honoring the very first successful oil well drilled near Titusville PA 146 years ago (1859). It’s a day of celebration if you belong to the ritzy Petroleum Club in Calgary or Edmonton, but a day of mourning if your gas-guzzling SUV is running on empty!
Houston, Fort Worth or Tulsa

• “Canadian Garlic Festival” in Sudbury ON. The 14th annual celebration of ‘The Stinking Rose’ at Hnatyshyn Park includes a ‘garlic relay’ (eat a clove, then breathe on the next person?).
• “Ironman Canada” triathlon huffs and puffs around Penticton BC. Competitors swim 4 Ks, bike 180 Ks, then run 42 Ks. (Then die.)
PHONER: 250.490.8787 (Subaru Ironman Canada HQ)
• “Great American Duck Race” finals in Deming NM. No little rubber duckies here, it’s the 26th swimming of in the ‘world’s richest duck race’ featuring real live quackers.
PHONER: 888.345.1125

1965 [40] The Beatles visit Elvis Presley in Beverly Hills CA

1970 [35] Jimi Hendrix plays his final concert at the UK’s Isle of Wight Pop Festival (3 weeks before his death)

580 [1425] 1st ‘Toilet Paper’ is invented by the Chinese (takes another 1,000 years to replace the handy stick or pile of leaves in the western world)

1961 [44] ‘Hockey Hall of Fame’ opens in Toronto

1996 [09] 1st ‘World Cup of Hockey’ begins in Stockholm (eventually won by USA, dammit!)

1929 [76] 1st ‘Roller Coaster’ built in America (next day, the 1st upchuck found on a roller coaster seat)

1939 [66] 1st ‘Major League Baseball telecast’ features Reds vs Dodgers (WZXBS in NYC)

[Mon] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Tues] Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Wed] Trail Mix Day
[Wed] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Sept 5] Labor Day
[Sept 8-17] Toronto International Film Festival
[Sept 8] “Blondie” comic strip 75th anniversary
This Week Is . . . Save Your Smile Week
This Month Is . . . Cataract Awareness Month


• “Cat: The Other White Meat”
• “Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!”
• “Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That”
• “Heart Attacks – God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends”
• “Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window”
• “How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?”
• “If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets”
• “Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch”
• “Saw It … Wanted It … Had A Fit … Got It!”
• “My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom”

“Bull Sheet” subscriber Jerry Forbes @ CJAY92 Calgary is offering to send $5,000 to Angelina Jolie’s children’s charity if Brad Pitt will phone in and say hello to listeners while he’s in town shooting “The Assassination of Jesse James” (begins filming MONDAY). Then when the production moves to Edmonton for 3 weeks starting SEPTEMBER 5th, K-Rock & 96X (also “BS” subscribers) are offering $10,000 if Pitt shows up at the stations, an additional 10 grand if he’s accompanied by Angelina, and – like this is gonna happen – $50,000 if Jennifer Aniston arrives as well. In the unlikely event any of them actually show, the money will be donated to the charity of their choice.

• To whom did Vincent van Gogh give his left ear after he cut it off following an argument with fellow artist Paul Gauguin?
a. His mother
b. A prostitute [CORRECT]
c. Gauguin’s wife

Q:In cooking, how many drops to a teaspoon?
a) 6
b) 16
c) 60 [CORRECT]

• Most brides in China wear what color of wedding dress?
a. Red, because it signifies happiness. [CORRECT]
b. Green, because it signifies fertility.
c. White, because it signifies purity.

• My mechanic couldn’t repair the brakes on my car … so he made the horn louder.
• I don’t suffer from insanity … I enjoy every minute of it.

Today’s Question: THIS activity consumes an average of 145.6 hours per year of an adult’s life.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Picking out what to wear.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

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