Thursday, March 11, 2004        Edition: #2743
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Queen Elizabeth II is hosting a females-only party at Buckingham Palace honoring ‘The Excellence of Women’ which some 200 women from film, music, sports, science & charity are expected to attend, including author JK Rowling and Paul McCartney’s wife, Heather McCartney . . . TONIGHT actresses Edie Falco (“The Sopranos”) and Chloe Sevigny (“American Psycho“) make their sitcom debuts on NBC-TV’s “Will & Grace”, playing a pair of lesbian real estate moguls . . . TONIGHT FOX-TV airs the “35th NAACP Image Awards” which were actually handed out SATURDAY (winners include Luther Vandross, Alicia Keys, Ruben Studdard & OutKast) . . . Actress Cate Blanchett, TV host Oprah Winfrey & director Sofia Coppola have made “Vanity Fair” magazine’s ‘2004 International Best-Dressed’ list for women, while soccer player David Beckham, and actors George Clooney & Jude Law are on the men’s list . . . A Beatles’ fan from Hong Kong has reportedly paid $4,000 for a single lock of John Lennon’s hair (just think, with the DNA he could make millions!) . . . And Canadian artist Siobhan Sawatsky is now selling plastic doll replicas of Janet Jackson & Justin Timberlake on eBay, attired in their leather Super Bowl show costumes – complete with ‘wardrobe malfunction’ (they’re really authentic – the doll’s boobs are plastic too).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Three Days Grace – “I Hate Everything About You” by the guys who grew up in Norwood ON (population 1,500) is the longest-lasting current rock hit at 35 weeks and counting.
• P Diddy – Has announced his upcoming album ”PD5″ will be his last as a solo artist.
• Britney Spears – Canadian artist Jason Kronenwald has composed a set of 4 portraits of her made entirely from – used chewing gum. Bubble Tape, Trident and Black Jack to be specific. They’re expected to sell for upwards of $2,000 apiece.
• Usher – Claims Justin Timberlake is copying him and he isn’t happy about it. He’s issued a warning telling JT to cease and desist.
• Avril Lavigne – THIS AFTERNOON she’s performing a free, 6-song acoustic concert at Toronto’s Fairview Mall to promote her new album “Under My Skin”, coming MAY 25th.

MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Shooting on “Ocean’s 12″ (with Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Andy Garcia & Matt Damon) is set to begin in APRIL and star/co-producer George Clooney is set to pick up a whopping $54 million for the sequel, most of which will be used to bankroll his next ‘serious’ film . . . Vin Diesel is negotiating to return to his original role in the upcoming 3rd installment of “The Fast & the Furious” . . . Oscar-winning director Sofia Coppola has bought the rights to a biography of former French queen Marie Antoinette as a possible next film project . . . . Word has it Nicole Kidman’s two kids convinced her to take the role of the ‘White Witch’ in the upcoming family flick “The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe” . . . Kevin Costner is in talks to direct and possibly star in “Modoc: The True Story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived” (“Dances with Elephants”?) . . . Producer/director Spike Lee is negotiating with rookie basketball phenom LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers to develop and star in an as yet-unnamed upcoming movie . . . John Waters’ 1988 cult film “Hairspray” was the basis for the current Tony-winning smash musical on Broadway, so what will they do with it next? – they’re gonna make it into a movie again!

GROUNDS FOR ANOTHER CUP:
Recent research in Finland has found there may be an association between drinking coffee and a reduced risk for type 2 diabetes. Researchers at the National Public Health Institute in Helsinki say that coffee consumption seems to reduce the risk of type 2 DM. (Wouldn’t it be great if everything that was supposed to be bad turned out to be good for you?)
– “The Journal of the American Medical Association”

MILLIONAIRE SHOPS AT WAL-MART:
35-year-old Alice Pike has been arrested in Covington GA for attempting to pass a bogus bill at a Wal-Mart store – a one-million-dollar bill! At first she claimed her husband had given her the funny money, but was later found to have 2 more million-buck bills in her purse. She had been attempting to pay for $1,671.55 worth of merchandise. (Ya dumb bunny, you should have used a $2,000 bill!)
– The Smoking Gun

SKINNY BUT SICK:
A report in the current issue of “Mayo Clinic Proceedings” says that low-carb diets can throw people into a metabolic state called ‘ketosis’. This diet-induced condition can include fatigue, nausea, and loss of appetite – the same symptoms experienced during severe illness or as side effects of chemotherapy. (Be happy … have a piece of toast for gawd’s sake!)

AH, ANOTHER GOOD EXCUSE!
Household chores such as dusting can increase your body’s exposure to pollution particles. A new study shows that just by vacuuming a rug, you may be inhaling tiny dust particles that could be harmful to your health.
– “Environmental Science & Technology”

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A German court has rejected an unemployed man’s demand for 4 government-paid brothel visits a month to ensure his ‘health and bodily well-being’ while his wife is traveling abroad. (A judge says that’s greedy – 3 hookers should be enough for anyone.)
• Albanians are reporting that they’re increasingly finding more and more yolk-less eggs. A University of Bari researcher thinks it happens when chickens are driven to produce too many eggs. (That’s no yolk!)
• In Switzerland, corporate logos and slogans are being painted on cows’ bodies before they’re released into pastures. The founder of the ‘Cow Placard Company’ says he hopes the idea will boost the rural economy. (Suggested ads – Got Milk? Leatherwear? PETA?)
• An anti-pornography bill currently being debated in Indonesia’s parliament includes sentences of up to 5 years in jail – for kissing on the mouth in public. (Yeah, that’s the real problem with the world … there’s just too much love.)
• A Japanese inventor has developed a jacket with a pocket alarm. Say you’re in the crowded Tokyo subway and someone tries to pick your pocket – Wirp! Wirp! Wirp! – the alarm goes off. (This is the same guy who invented pants with a remote control zip.)
• A man in China has had 3 sewing needles removed that were embedded for almost 29 years – in his brain! Doctors believe the needles were jabbed into his head when he was just a few months old and his skull was still soft. (The needles came in really handy when they went to sew him back up.)

AND WE QUOTE:
• “I ain’t into faggots. I don’t like gay people around me, because I’m not comfortable with what their thoughts are. I’m not prejudiced. I just don’t go with gay people and kick it – we don’t have that much in common. I’d rather hang out with some straight dude. But women who like women, that’s cool. I could actually get into that, having a woman who likes women, too. We might have more in common.” – 50 Cent waxing philosophic in “Playboy” magazine.
• “People want to invest in a family of characters they care about from week to week.” – “CSI” creator Anthony Zuiker in “Toronto Sun” explaining why his show’s a success.

THE BULL SHEET 03.11.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [73] Rupert Murdoch, Melbourne AUS, media magnate (FOX-TV, NewsCorp)

1963 [41] Alex Kingston, London UK, TV actress (‘Dr Elizabeth Corday Greene’ on “ER” since 1997)

1968 [36] Lisa Loeb, Bethesda MD, pop singer who’s disappeared off the map (“I Do”, “Stay”)

1971 [33] Johnny Knoxville (Phillip John Clapp), Knoxville TN, movie actor (“Jackass: The Movie”, “Men in Black II“)/former MTV prankster (“Jackass”)  UP NEXT: The remake of “Walking Tall” starring The Rock, opening APRIL 9th.

1979 [25] Benji & Joel Madden, Waldorf MD, twin brother rock musicians (Good Charlotte-“Hold On”, “Girls &  Boys”)

1981 [23] David Anders (Holt), Grants Pass OR, TV actor (‘Mr. Sark/Julian Lazarey’ on “Alias” since 2002)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Worship of Tools Day” (aka “National Tool Appreciation Day”), celebrating men’s inexplicable fascination with high-priced gizmos. (What tool did you buy that you’ve never even used?)

TODAY is “Romeo & Juliet’s Wedding Day”. According to Shakespeare, the all-time champion lovers did the deed this date in 1302. It’s their 702nd anniversary!

TODAY is “Johnny Appleseed Day”, celebrated on the anniversary of his death. Yes, there really was a Johnny Appleseed. His real name was John Chapman when he was born in Massachusetts in 1774. He didn’t just walk around the country sprinkling apple seeds all over the place. He was a serious nurseryman who set out orchards in the wilderness of the Midwest. He then gave or sold trees to pioneers who depended on apples as a staple in their diets.

TOMORROW through Sunday is the annual “Rattlesnake Roundup” at Sweetwater TX. Live rattlesnakes will be on display, there’ll be snakemeat to eat, and snake products for sale. There’s also a parade, a cook-off and the ‘Snake Charmer Pageant’.
PHONER: 915.235.5488 (Sweetwater Chamber of Commerce)
NET: http://www.rattlesnakeroundup.com

TOMORROW is “Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”, when you’re encouraged to open umbrellas indoors and note whether or not you have any bad luck.
PHONER: 301.898.3009 (Thomas Knibb, Walkersville MD)

THIS WEEK is “International Brain Awareness Week”. Note: To be aware of one, you first have to have one.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1989 [15] 1st episode of “Cops” on FOX-TV (“Whatcha gonna do bad boy bad boy …”)

1997 [07] The ashes of “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry are launched into space

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1927 [77] 1st electric-powered ‘jukebox’ is introduced by Seeberg

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1912 [92] 1st Stanley Cup game that is played in three 20-minute periods, formerly played in 30-minute halves (Québec beats Moncton 9-3)

1935 [69] Canada’s central bank, the ‘Bank of Canada’ is established “to regulate credit and currency in the best interests of the economic life of the nation”

105 [1899] 1st ‘paper’ invented by Ts’ai Lun in China, using bamboo, mulberry, fish nets and rags

1986 [18] NFL adopts ‘instant replay rule’ allowing refs to review videotape of plays when calls are in question (thereby adding another hour to the average game)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sat] National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day
[Sun] Potato Chip Day
[Mon] Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing
[Mon] 19th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction (NYC)
[Mon] Ides of March
This Week Is . . . Art Week / Celebrate Your Name Week
This Month Is . . . Red Cross Month / Play the Recorder Month (just not in the house, okay?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘BUST MY BLUFF’:

Have a contestant pick the real answer to the following …
• Why are there normally more holes in the mouthpiece of a phone than in the earpiece?
a. It just looks better.
b. Because the mouthpiece is held further away. [CORRECT]
c. To allow saliva to evaporate.

• Why does a newspaper tear smoothly vertically but raggedly horizontally?
a. The fibers are arranged so they go up & down to give the paper stability. [CORRECT]
b. The print makes the tear go crooked.
c. It’s all in the wrist action.

• Why is there a capital ‘E’ atop the standard eye chart?
a. It was invented by an optometrist named ‘Eidelmann’.
b. Its inventor had studied how the human eye sees 3 parallel lines. [CORRECT]
c. It stands for ‘Eye Chart’.

• Why are the bottom halves of hamburger buns thinner?
a. To better fit the shape of the hands while eating them.
b. Bigger tops make the buns look bigger. [CORRECT]
c. They aren’t, it’s just an optical illusion.

• Why do we call police officers ‘cops’?
a. It comes from the verb ‘to capture’ in Latin. [CORRECT]
b. Because after arrest, criminals had to ‘cop’ a plea.
c. It’s short for copper, the metal most early police badges were made from.
– “Imponderables”

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Have you ever sent an e-mail or text message to the wrong person? What happened?
• What’s the most unusual thing you’ve ever picked out of the trash?

BS BLATANT JOKE:
One thing you learn from Mel Gibson’s “Passion” – you should never judge a book by its movie.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You can pick up as many as 5 million germs every time you do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Kiss someone.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If it weren’t for marriage, you might go through life thinking you had no faults at all.

 


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