Thursday, March 26, 2009        Edition: #3983
Get a Load of This Sheet!


Simon Cowell says he’s trying to get President Barack Obama to do a guest appearance on “American Idol” (we’re betting even Obama would get kicked off in favor of widower Danny Gokey) . . . An ABC-TV insider confirms to “Entertainment Weekly” that “Lost” is filming a wedding ceremony this week that’s slated to air during the show’s 2-hour finale on May 13th (‘Jack’ & ‘Hugo’?) . . . Bereaved 72-year-old actress Vanessa Redgrave is concentrating on work following the tragic death of her daughter Natasha Richardson after a ski accident, signing on to Ridley Scott’s new movie “Robin Hood” to play ‘Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine’ . . . For his upcoming 50-date residency at London’s O2 Arena, “Daily Mirror” reports Michael Jackson has requested a panther, snakes, tropical birds, 3 monkeys – and an elephant . . . TMZ claims former “Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington is facing eviction from his $3.5-million home in Venice CA because he’s 5 months behind in rent, a total of $100,000! . . . Lindsay Lohan has been involved in yet another car accident (the 3rd in 3 weeks), her Maserati rear-ending a Subaru in Glendale CA while Lohan was being chauffeured by an unnamed assistant (this is an expensive way to stay in the headlines) . . . Hilary Duff’s spending this week filming a guest spot for “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” in which she plays a ‘rebellious, trashy, irresponsible young mother suspected of murdering her child’ (if sugary-sweet Duff pulls this off, she might win an Emmy) . . . And former wrestling superstar-turned-reality-TV shill Hulk Hogan tells “Life & Style” magazine he doesn’t think it’s weird that he went to watch his daughter Brooke pole dance at the “Ocho Calle Festival” in Miami FL – it’s just ‘supportive’ (ew, creepy!).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Another finalist goes home after Motown week (unless the judges opt to use their single ‘save’). Motown great Smokey Robinson performs and Season 2 winner Ruben Studdard returns to sing his new single “Together”.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Actress/singer Jennifer Hudson is a guest. An “American Idol” insider says she taped a performance in front of the show’s studio audience last night after the live broadcast ended. It will air on an upcoming “Idol” episode.
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Brit punk rockers The Damned are guests.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – “Shuttin’ Detroit Down“ country singer John Rich (Big & Rich) is on.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – U2 performs in a rerun show.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – “Chasing Pavements” singer Adele is on.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Prince makes his 2nd of 3 appearances this week.

• Avril Lavigne – Despite tabloid reports, a source tells “Us Weekly” she & Sum 41 hubby Deryk Whibley were not fighting in public last weekend. According to the new spin, she threw a surprise BBQ for his birthday; then they rented a limo and went to a club.
• Britney Spears – Court documents filed in Los Angeles Superior Court this week show she’s paid over $2.7 million to lawyers over the last 11 months, including the cost of her divorce and custody battle which ended her 2-and-a-half year marriage to Kevin Federline.
• Kiss – Gene Simmons has been signed by soft drink maker Dr Pepper as the spokes-pimp for the new product ‘Dr Pepper Cherry’.
• Michael Jackson – Hollywood’s Julien’s Auctions says it’s pressing ahead with plans to put some 2,000 items from his shuttered Neverland Ranch on the block, despite Jackson’s surprise change of mind this month when he sued to stop the sale. The auction is scheduled for April 21.
• Rihanna – reports she’s begun house-hunting in the Hollywood Hills area, visiting several properties including Jerry Seinfeld’s $6.25-million former home.
• Taylor Swift – She’s among a group of musicians supporting the launch of the SoundMatters Initiative, dedicated to raising awareness of healthy hearing, prevention of hearing damage, and encouraging regular hearing checkups. The initiative is targeting a younger audience due to the popularity of portable entertainment devices.
• Tracy Lawrence – The “Find Out Who Your Friends Are” country singer and band members survived a weekend tour bus accident in which the bus blew a tire on an Interstate and careened over the median into the oncoming lanes on 2 wheels. Amazingly, no one was injured.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “The Baster” – It looks like this Jennifer Aniston-Jason Bateman movie is going to be a bit cruel. A Craigslist casting call is looking for a ‘heavy-set woman’ and a ‘woman with a round face, small eyes, and upturned nose’ to have profanities shouted at them. Also, they’re looking for a ‘skinny boy with bad acne’. The storyline is about an unmarried 40-year-old woman who turns to a turkey baster in order to become pregnant. It’s due in 2010 … the movie, that is.
• “True Grit” – Filmmaking sibs Joel & Ethan Coen are set to remake the 1969 Western that won the legendary John Wayne a ‘Best Actor’ Oscar for his portrayal of one-eyed lawman ‘Rooster J Cogburn’. The Coens plan to remain more faithful to the 1968 source novel by Charles Portis about a 14-year-old girl’s attempt to track down her father’s killer. The original film featured an all-star cast that included Robert Duvall, Dennis Hopper, and singer Glen Campbell.
• Unnamed Muppet Movie – Jason Segel (“I Love You, Man”, “How I Met Your Mother”) is writing a new film to star Jim Henson’s muppets 4 years after the characters were last seen in theaters. He’s a big fan who’s convinced he can win over audiences after the 2005’s “The Muppets’ Wizard of Oz” flopped. Segal says he hopes to revive the appeal of the 1980s classics starring Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy et al, such as “The Muppets Take Manhattan”.
• Untitled James L Brooks Project – Reese Witherspoon will show off her athletic skills in this upcoming romantic comedy from the writer/producer of “The Simpsons”. She plays a professional softball player being wooed by businessman Paul Rudd (“I Love You, Man”) and also by pro baseball pitcher Owen Wilson (“Marley & Me”). Shooting starts this Summer.

Actual personal healthcare tips from the 1917 “US Army Manual of Military Training” by Colonel James A Moss. Many still make good sense today …
• Do not drink lemonade, soft drinks, or milk from peddlers.
• Wounds made by toy pistols and firecrackers often contain lockjaw germs.
• Do not handle dogs or cats, especially strange or sickly ones.
• Do not have pictures tattooed on your skin.
• Do not smoke other men’s pipes.
• Seek good companions like your mother and sister.
• Note: male mosquitoes cannot bite.
• King Solomon was wise when he warned his son against the harlot, ‘for her end is bitter’.
– “The Believer”

The new online service ‘Information Age Prayer’ uses text-to-speech software to automatically say your prayers for you each day. For example, a daily prayer for a Catholic is only 70 cents per month while the complete ‘Hail Mary Rosary Package’ will set you back a whopping $49.95 a month. The site offers prayers for whatever your religion might be, and even promises Muslims the computer speakers will always face Mecca when the prayers are broadcast. The site promises 10% of all revenue to charity. (We say they don’t have a prayer of surviving.)
– “Curious Times”


• Hang Mioku, a 48-year-old woman from South Korea, had her first plastic surgery procedure when she was 28. Following operation after operation, her face was eventually left enlarged and disfigured and surgeons refused to carry out any more work on her. But Hang would not be dissuaded and proceeded to further alter her face by … injecting cooking oil into it. She’s now called ‘standing fan’ by kids in her neighborhood due to her large face and small body.
• An 8th-grader in Lakeland FL has been suspended from riding the school bus for 3 days after being accused of … passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old broke wind on the bus this week to make the other students laugh, creating a stench so bad it was difficult to breathe. School officials admit there is no rule against flatulence but there are rules about causing a disturbance on a school bus.
– “Globe & Mail”
• In the deep forest of Snowdonia in North Wales, a dwarf who got lost in the woods this week staved off hypothermia by huddling for warmth with her pet dog, Pebbles. A search party found them the next morning. Despite the fact that the chihuahua has little hair and is a breed that commonly shivers in the cold, rescuers say it was Pebble’s body heat that kept the 3-foot-tall woman alive … and likely vice versa.
– “The Telegraph”
• In Bangkok, Thailand firefighters tried for hours to convince an 11-year-old autistic boy to come down off a roof to no avail. Finally one of the rescuers had a spark of inspiration … he donned a ‘Spider-Man’ costume and again beckoned for the boy to come down. Upon seeing his hero, the smiling young boy immediately stood up and walked into his rescuer’s arms.
– “New York Post”


Veterinarians at Turkey’s University of Uludag have discovered an interesting connection between dogs who chase their own tails and their blood cholesterol levels. In experiments, researchers took blood samples from healthy dogs that were compulsive tail chasers, along with samples from healthy dogs that were not. When samples were analyzed, the tail chasers were found to have significantly higher levels of blood cholesterol. Researchers theorize the cholesterol affects the flow of brain hormones.  Previous studies have shown a correlation between high cholesterol levels and certain behavioral problems in humans. (But not to do with chasing tail.)
– “Discovery News”


When the going gets tough, the tough get … snipped? It may be economic doom & gloom for most of us but not for doctors performing vasectomies – they’re seeing a big boom in business! New stats show that an uptick in the number of operations began around November as the economic crisis deepened. Since then the Cleveland Clinic, for instance, has seen a 50% increase in vasectomies. Why? It’s an outpatient surgery that is the cheapest form of permanent birth control; and it seems a growing number of guys are deciding they can’t afford to have any more children in this economy. (Do not attempt this at home!)


Why are teens so lousy at chores? Scientists at the University of Minnesota think there’s a scientific answer … ‘cognitive limitations’. The researchers say teen brains can’t multitask as well as those of adults because the part of the brain responsible for multitasking is still in development until late adolescence. Until that time, the brain’s frontal cortex has trouble juggling multiple pieces of information. That, they claim, is why the complicated instruction ‘make your bed and bring the laundry down’ might befuddle a 13-year-old. (So how come they can text a buddy while listening to an iPod while playing a videogame and doing homework?)


1944 [65] Diana Ross (Diane Earle), Detroit MI, former Motown singer (“Endless Love”, Supremes-“Where Did Our Love Go”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1988)

1948 [61] Steve Tyler (Tallarico), Yonkers NY, rock singer (Aerosmith-“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”, “Dream On”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2001)/actress Liv Tyler’s long absent father

1950 [59] Martin Short, Hamilton ON, movie actor (“Spiderwick Chronicles”, “Father Of the Bride”)/TV comedian (“Primetime Glick” 2001-03, “Saturday Night Live” 1984-85, “SCTV” 1982-84)

1957 [52] Leeza Gibbons, Hartsville SC, TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars” 2007, “Extra!” 2000-02, “Entertainment Tonight” 1984-95)/syndicated radio host (“Hollywood Confidential”)

1968 [41] Kenny Chesney, Knoxville TN, country singer (“Down the Road”, Don’t Blink”)/20 #1 singles/4 consecutive ACM ‘Entertainer Of the Year’ awards/6 CMA Awards/briefly married to movie actress Renée Zellweger (May-September 2005)

1973 [36] TR (Theodore Raymond) Knight, Minneapolis MN, TV actor (‘Dr George O’Malley’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” since 2005)  FACTOID: LAPD have decided he’s at fault for a 3-car pile up in Hollywood last week because he was late driving his vehicle through a left turn at an intersection. He’s not expected to face charges even though 2 others were treated for minor injuries.

1985 [24] Keira Knightley, London UK, movie actress (“Atonement”, “Pirates Of the Caribbean” movies)

1986 [23] J-Kwon (Jarrell Jones), St Louis MO, rapper (“Tipsy”)

• “Legal Assistants Day”, honoring all those who help lawyers with their briefs.

• “Make Up Your Own Holiday Day”. What ingredients make for a good holiday? Special foods? Parades? Costumes? Fireworks? Religious obligations? A day off from the sweatbox?

2007 [02] Broward County FL Medical Examiner’s Office reveals Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental overdose of at least 9 prescription medications


2007 [02] Elton John’s entire music catalogue is made available online for the first time (at least legally)

1872 [137] 1st ‘Fire Extinguisher’ (seemingly created mainly for fight scenes in action movies)

1956 [53] 1st ‘Medic Alert’ bracelets (why no matching earrings?)

1996 [13] Orlando Magic’s NBA-record 40-game ‘home win streak’ finally ends vs LA Lakers

[Fri] National Joe Day
[Fri] Photography Day
[Fri] Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
[Sat] 2009 Global Earth Hour (8:30 pm local)
[Sat] Something On a Stick Day
[Sat] GLAAD Media Awards
[Sat] Kids Choice Awards (Nickelodeon)
[Sun] 2009 Juno Awards (Vancouver)
[Sun] Vietnam Veterans Day
This Week Is … Doctor-Patient Trust Week
This Month Is … Adopt a Rescued Guinea Pig Month


• “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
• “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
• “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap’n.”
• “Please hold for Mr Gates’ attorney.”
• “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
• “Hold on a second … Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”

What’s the one thing you can’t seem to get your significant other to change?


Today’s Question: The more education a woman has, the more likely she is to do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cheat on her taxes.


Nobody is perfect … until you fall in love with them.

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