Monday, March 8, 2010        Edition: #4213
If the Sheet Fits, Buy It!

• Here’s what makes Sandra Bullock endearing: Not her Oscar nom (win?) but showing up at the “Razzie Awards” Saturday night to pick up ‘Worst Actress’. She even handed out DVDs of “All About Steve”, for which she was being ‘honored’. “Transformers: Revenge Of the Fallen” was named ‘Worst Picture’. Bullock is the first ‘Worst Actress’ recipient to actually attend the ceremony since Halle Berry was shamed for “Catwoman” in 2005. For her willingness to laugh at herself, Bullock received a standing O. (Hear hear!)
• Tinto Brass, director of such skin-flicks as “Caligula” and “All Ladies Do It”, says he has been inspired by “Avatar” and is now promising to make a 3-D adult film. (He previously made a 38-D adult film.)
• Today grieving mom Marie Osmond buries her adopted son Michael Blosil at a family funeral in Utah. The 18-year-old was found dead outside his LA apartment building after an apparent suicide. Marie subsequently called off a string of Vegas shows, but tomorrow it’s back to work again as “Donny & Marie” return to the stage at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas, resuming their regular performance schedule. (Why must the show must go on?)
• 57-year-old actor Mickey Rourke (“Iron Man 2”, “The Wrestler”) is bragging to anyone who’ll listen that he’s not only slept with several of Hollywood’s hottest actresses but once managed to bed 14 women … in a single night. (He’s working hard to maintain his creepy factor.)
• Former reality TV mom Lisa Gastineau (“Gastineau Girls” 2005) has undergone cosmetic surgery to rebuild her nose after doctors were forced to remove part of it due to cancer. Her daughter reveals the cosmetic work was done by infamous Hollywood surgeon Dr Frank Ryan, the doc who overhauled reality TV star Heidi Montag earlier this year with 10 operations in a single day. (At last, he’s done something slightly admirable!)
• A 33-year-old Los Angeles man accused of stalking Dr Drew Pinsky (TV’s “Celebrity Rehab”, radio’s “Loveline”) has pleaded not guilty to 6 felony counts. He’s also been charged with making criminal threats online and showing up at an LA radio station to make accusations about the doc. The perp’s bail has been increased to a whopping $400,000. (Pinsky will likely figure a way to make an MTV show out of this.)
• And Oscar-winning actor Jack Nicholson was recently showing a group of male pals around his Hollywood Hills CA home when he asked them to be sure to … ‘relieve themselves’ outside. The group thought the 72-year-old screen legend was making a joke and burst out laughing. But Jack quickly reassured them, “No, seriously, it helps keeps the raccoons away!” (Not to mention the starlets.)
– “National Enquirer”

• “The Bachelor” (ABC) – Former contestants Jason Mesnick & Molly Malaney walk down the aisle at their wedding.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Corinne Bailey Rae (“The Sea”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Ted Leo & The Pharmacists (“Brutalist Bricks”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Lady Antebellum (“Need You Now”).


• Aerosmith – They continue to expand their “Cocked, Locked, Ready To Rock” 2010 tour and to put their recent turmoil behind them. New South American dates have been set for May, with the group hitting Venezuela, Columbia, Peru, Chile, Argentina, and Brazil.
• Beyoncé – Friday she thanked staff & students at Brooklyn NY’s Phoenix House substance abuse center, where she researched her role as Etta James for the 2008 movie “Cadillac Records”, by returning to open the facility’s new cosmetology school named in her honor.
• Brad Paisley – He was treated and released from a Charleston SC hospital after falling from the stage Saturday night while closing a concert at the North Charleston Coliseum. He was performing his hit “Alcohol” during an encore when he fell about 6 ft and landed on his side. Fortunately, he wasn’t seriously injured.
• Kelly Clarkson – She’s been added to the roster of this Summer’s resurrected “Lilith Fair” tour, along with country acts Martina McBride and Court Yard Hounds, and ’80s groups The Go-Go’s and The Bangles. Dates and venues are yet to be revealed.
• Kid Rock – He testified in LA court Friday concerning an incident in 2006. A trio of fans is seeking $15 million in damages, alleging he assaulted them at LA’s Roosevelt Hotel after they asked for autographs. Ritchie denies any wrongdoing, describing the scene as ‘chaotic’. He also refutes the claim that he shouted “Who wants a piece of me next?”, claiming he’d never say anything so ‘corny’. He better hope the plaintiffs don’t dig out some of his lyrics.
• Lil Wayne – Thanks to a courthouse fire last time around, his sentencing for attempted criminal possession of a weapon has been re-scheduled again … to today. This is attempt #3. Previously, emergency dental surgery held up his sentencing.
• Lily Allen – Friday night she flouted Britain’s onstage smoking ban once again by lighting up during an arena gig in Manchester … despite a bout of bronchitis. (Rebel … or idiot?)
• Ozzy Osbourne – He’s been invited to Liverpool, England to help celebrate the city’s iconic favorite son John Lennon on the 70th anniversary of his birth this October 9th.
• Taylor Swift –  They may not be dating anymore but she says she still thinks actor Taylor Lautner is ‘hot’. Meantime, Taylor tells “Elle” magazine Joe Jonas should expect more songs about their failed romance because the heartbreak has provided her with ‘albums’ of material.


Where once divorce inspired pity, it is increasingly being seen as the opening of a new chapter in life to be celebrated. As a result, a divorce industry is springing up, offering services that mirror the buying bonanza of the cake, shoes and dress that accompanies a wedding. Party planners are waiting online to help put together the perfect ‘new you’ celebration, complete with ‘Just Divorced!’ badges and sashes, and T-shirts bearing the legend ‘Free Like a Bird’. (Ever go to a divorce party? What happened?)
– “Sunday Times of London”

Screening all the twaddle on over the past week, we come up with …
• Aimee Mann: “I apologize for not being able to live tweet Leno last night. But it wasn’t even mock-able. It was un-re-mockable.”
• Flaming Lips: “Hey, I met Elton John the other night, he’s the sweetest guy in the world plus he smells really good!”
• Lady Gaga: “Since I’m living nowhere right now and live on the road with my props & wigs (which is everything I own), I suppose my fans, in a way, live with me.”
• Little Boots: “Just saw a video of krazy Ke$ha drawing on her own ass. Not sure how I feel about that one.”
• Nathan Followill (Kings of Leon): “Woke up to a Winter wonderland. Spring get your ass here. My golf clubs are feeling neglected and so is my pale skin.”
– Excerpted from

LAPD has apologized to the family of Robert F Kennedy for exhibiting the tie, shirt & jacket the presidential candidate was wearing when assassinated in 1968. After a complaint from the family, the items were removed from a display at a homicide investigators conference in Las Vegas. Other items in the exhibit entitled “Behind the Scenes” included the gloves and a knit cap from the OJ Simpson murder trial and a rope that was tied around the neck of actress Sharon Tate and other weapons used by the ‘Manson Family’ 40 years ago. (This all sounds like something from a “CSI” episode.)
– AP


Easter is still a ways off (April 4th) but, not surprisingly, the ‘Easter Bunny’ is appearing at shopping malls earlier and earlier each year because retailers are convinced it remains a sure way to attract consumers. Some of the rules used by Mobile, Alabama-based IPCA, which hires and trains hundreds of ‘Easter Bunnies’ across the USA …
• ‘Bunny does not talk.’
• ‘Use a hairbrush to fluff up your fur and make sure you’re pretty. Bunny needs to be pretty.’
• ‘People aren’t quite ready for Easter, so it’s Bunny’s job to draw attention.’
• ‘Bunny ignores the haters.’
• ‘Bunny uses just one name … like Madonna.’
– “Chicago Tribune”


According to one online ranking, these are the occupations presently perceived to have the most ‘sex appeal’ …
10. TV Anchor/Personality
9. Construction Worker
8. Military Professional
7. Artist
6. Nurse
5. Cowboy
4. Firefighter
3. Professional Athlete
2. Cocktail Waitress
1. Entertainer/Model


A review of critics’ quibbles with Tim Burton’s new bigscreen take on the Lewis Carroll classic …
• Too Much Story: Carroll’s novel was an episodic walkabout; Burton imposes a linear narrative that builds into yet another battle between good and evil.
• Too Many Effects: Some say Burton works too hard at being visually impressive. In the end, the film comes off as manufactured instead of dreamy.
• Too Many Influences: There are bits of “The Lord Of the Rings”, “Shrek”, “The Wizard of Oz”, “The Princess Bride”, even “The Golden Compass”, all given a wash in Burton’s Gothic gloom.
• Not Enough Carroll: Carroll’s subtle, cerebral source material has been transformed into a big, brash Burton blockbuster.


• Romance films do better than any other genre at the “Academy Awards”.
• Urban single men aged 25-to-35 are the biggest food-wasters.
– “BBC News Magazine”


1976 [34] Freddie Prinze Jr, LA CA, TV actor (‘Cole Ortiz’ on “24” 2010, “Freddie” 2005-06)/movie actor (“Scooby-Doo”, “She’s All That”)/Mr Sarah Michelle Gellar since 2002

1977 [33] James Van Der Beek, Cheshire CT, movie actor (“Rules of Attraction”, “Varsity Blues”)/former TV actor (“Dawson’s Creek” 1998-2003)

1979 [31] Tom Chaplin, Battle UK, pop singer (Keane-“Is It Any Wonder?”, “Somewhere Only We Know”)

1979 [31] Andy Ross, Worcester MA, rock guitarist (OK Go-“Here It Goes Again”, “Get Over It”)

1982 [28] Kat Von D (Katherine von Drachenberg), Montemorelos, Mexico, tattoo artist/reality TV star (“LA Ink” since 2007, “Miami Ink” 2005-06)/girlfriend of Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx 2008-10

• “Aunts Day”, recognizing ‘those special people who make long-lasting impressions throughout our lives’. (Another Hallmark moment.)

• “Commonwealth Day”, observed annually on the 2nd Monday in March as a celebration of the loose association of former nations of the British Empire. Most mark the day by doing … nothing.

• “Healthy Office Day”, focusing on the many types of pollutants that effect office workers: environmental, equipment or stress-related. (Not to mention co-worker-related.)

• “International Women’s Day”, kicking off “Universal Women’s Week”. It was first proclaimed at a 1910 women’s conference in Helsinki, Finland by activist Clara Zetkin. In 1977, the observance was endorsed by the UN. It’s a national holiday in China and Russia, where female workers are presented with flowers and gifts.

1962 [48] The Beatles make their TV debut on the BBC’s “Teenager’s Turn”, performing Roy Orbison’s “Dream Baby”

1990 [20] 1st Canadian to defend “World Figure Skating Championship” title (Kurt Browning, in Halifax)

1985 [25] John McPherson of Newcastle, England sets a new record by kissing 4,444 women in 8 hours (ew, how’d you like to be sloppy number 4,443?)


[Tues] Barbie Day
[Tues] Get Over It Day
[Tues] Organize Your Home Office Day
[Tues] Panic Day
[Wed] Mario Day

Celebrate Your Name Week / Consumer Protection Week / Professional Pet Sitters Week / Read an E-Book Week / Save Your Vision Week / School Breakfast Week / Sleep Awareness Week / Telecommuter Appreciation Week / Words Matter Week


A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
They’re doing it yet again! “Roll Up the Rim to Win” might seem like a dumb contest but these BS ideas are even dumber …
• “Roll Up Your Pants to Walk” (only applies in the farmyard).
• “Roll Up Your Fingernails to Scream” (too painful to play).
• “Roll Up Your Sleeves to Work” (rejected by civil servants).
• “Roll Up Your Rug to Shine” (offensive to toupée owners).
• “Roll Up Your Gut to Whiz” (something many doughnut lovers are familiar with).

When did you turn off the Oscars? Or did you actually make it all the way through?


Which animal can go without water even longer than a camel?
a. Kangaroo
b. Possum
c. Rat [CORRECT]


I went on a tour of a postcard factory on the weekend. It was OK … nothing to write home about.


Today’s Question: On average, women are twice as happy as men about THIS physical feature.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their tush.


One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

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