Friday, March 9, 2012        Edition: #4702

Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

33-year-old scantily-clad actress Jennifer Love Hewitt appears front & center on the cover of “Maxim” magazine’s April issue and admits: “It’s horrible to say but I like my boobs; they’ve always served me well” (thereby setting back the women’s movement by 50 years) . . . Following her hospitalization last week after an apparent suicide attempt, former reality TV star Tila Tequila is heading to rehab (it’s been 5 long years out of the limelight since MTV’s “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila”) . . . Ex-“Felicity” star Keri Russell is returning to TV in the FX drama pilot “The Americans”, about the complex marriage of 2 KGB spies posing as Americans in suburban Washington DC during the early 1980s (love it already!) . . . 4 pedestrians have been hospitalized with seemingly minor injuries after a billboard of British supermodel Kate Moss fell on them in one of London’s busiest shopping districts (if it was life-sized, it likely only weighed 50 lbs) . . . A new sex tape has surfaced featuring – ew! – 58-year-old former wrestling champ Hulk Hogan, which he claims was filmed in secret (whoa, nice finishing move, big guy!) . . . 24-year-old Denver Broncos QB has let it be known via Twitter that, despite online rumors, he will NOT be starring in the next season of “The Bachelor” (nor the next season of the NFL, we’re betting) . . . Today’s edition of “Us Weekly” reports 26-year-old actress Amanda Seyfried (next in “Lovelace”) has been seeing 33-year-old actor Josh Hartnett (last hit “Sin City”) since January (there’ll be trouble – she’s a much bigger star) . . . And 25-year-old TV star-turned-fashion maven Ashley Olsen has vowed in an interview with April’s “Elle” magazine to NEVER act again (and the world cries huzzah!).


• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Robin Thicke (“Love After War”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Melanie Fiona (“The MF Life”, out March 20th); Steven Tyler (“American Idol”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight The Horrors (“Skying”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Big Time Rush (“BTR”).
• “Oprah’s Next Chapter” (OWN) – Sunday, in a pre-taped special, Oprah interviews 19-year-old Bobbi Kristina Houston-Brown, the late Whitney Houston’s daughter via Bobby Brown. It’s her first interview since the death of her mom February 11th.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Jonah Hill (“21 Jump Street”, opening March 16th; musical guest The Shins (“Port of Morrow”, out March 20th).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Today Jewel (“Sweet & Wild”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Estelle (“All of Me”). Rerun.

• Fiona Apple – Her long-awaited 4th album will be titled “The Idler Wheel is Wiser Than The Driver Of the Screw, and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do”. This is still shorter than her 1999 album title, commonly known as “When The Pawn …”. The new work is due this June.
• Jesus & Mary Chain – Sunday the 1980s band (“Blues From a Gun”) kicks off their 1st North American tour since 2008. It gets underway in Denton TX.
• Justin Bieber – His mother Pattie Mallette has a new publishing deal to write the memoir “Nowhere But Up: The Story of Justin Bieber’s Mom”, which will detail her troubled youth and how she turned her life around when she found herself single and pregnant. It’s due September 18th.
• Maroon 5 – Frontman Adam Levine is set to launch his first fragrance in May 2013, to be called ‘222 by Adam Levine’. He is working with ID Perfumes, which also handles Selena Gomez’s fragrance license.
• Rihanna – A couple of quotes from her father Ronald Fenty’s new interview in “Heat” magazine: “I actually thought she was a little fat the last time I saw her.” And “Chris [Brown] is a nice guy and everybody’s entitled to make mistakes in their life … God knows how many I’ve made.” (Like speaking in public, for instance.)
• Whitney Houston – “Inside Edition” reports that her will doesn’t mention specific assets but leaves basically everything to her daughter Bobbi Kristina. It was signed on February 3rd, 1993, about a month before Houston gave birth to her daughter. (There likely wasn’t much cash involved until AFTER she died. Houston’s “Greatest Hits” album was #2 in sales this week.)


• “Friends With Kids” ( R-Rated Comedy ) – Jennifer Westfeldt wrote, directed, and stars in this story of 2 best friends who decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships. Co-stars Adam Scott, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph.
• “John Carter” ( PG-13 Sci-Fi Action Adventure ) – Transplanted to Mars, a Civil War vet discovers a lush planet inhabited by 12-foot-tall barbarians. He escapes their clutches only to encounter a princess in desperate need of a saviour. Stars Kelowna BC-born Taylor Kitsch (“Friday Night Lights”), Lynn Collins (“True Blood”). Based on novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
• “Salmon Fishing In the Yemen” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ) – A fishing expert is approached by a consultant to help realize a sheik’s vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to his country deep in the desert. Stars Ewan McGregor, Emily Blunt. Debuted at the Toronto Film Festival in 2011.
• “A Thousand Words” (PG-13 Comedy ) – Eddie Murphy plays a literary agent who stretches the truth during a deal with a spiritual guru and, as a result, finds himself involved in a series of bizarre incidents designed to teach him that there are consequences to every word we speak. Co-stars Kerry Washington, Ruby Dee.


• Sulawesi Island, Indonesia – The local government in this northern territory is sending thousands of male civil servants’ salaries … straight to their wives. It’s an effort to curb cheating. How so? Officials claim the direct-to-spouse pay system will help fortify family bonds since the men will no longer be able to splurge on … other women.
• Leeds, England – A 27-year-old woman with a condition called ‘objectum sexuality’, which causes victims to fall in love with things rather than people, claims she’s found true love with … the Statue of Liberty. She first fell for ‘Libby’ upon seeing a photo online and has since visited the NYC landmark 4 times, caressing it and leaning out a window to kiss its hair. She previously had a love affair with a drum kit.
– “The Sun”
• East Lansing, Michigan – Michigan State University is offering a new course entitled “Surviving the Coming Zombie Apocalypse: Catastrophes & Human Behavior”. The class is supposed to help students explore human responses to major disasters and emergency situations by discussing a ‘simulated’ zombie attack. Ah! Good thing it’s just simulated.


This week’s ‘Convention on Violence Against Women’ hosted by the Council of Europe has pledged to lobby for the criminalization of sexual harassment. 18 countries have signed on to push for legislation which would ban ‘unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature with the purpose or effect of violating the dignity of a person, in particular when creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment’. (OK, we’re on board with that but … where do we draw the line? Can one never compliment a woman on her appearance?)


✗ Carmine – Red food coloring made from crushed beetle husks. It’s used in cranberry cocktail, candy, and other products to create the desired rosy hue.
✗ Lanolin – Gum base made from the oil found in sheep’s wool. Keep that in mind next time you’re chewing gum.
✗ Propylene Glycol – Basically a less toxic version of antifreeze, it’s used to keep foods from freezing solid. One common usage … ice cream.
✗ Shellac – This wood finish made from the Lac beetle is also used to give some foods their shine. Candy, for example.
✗ Silicon Dioxide – A fancy-schmancy name for sand. It’s used as an anti-caking agent in some foods, including shredded cheese.
✗ Soylent Pink – Ammonium hydroxide-treated beef scraps blended with bovine connective tissue. It’s used to cut ground beef so it can be spread further to make more patties.
(Some fine examples of why people become vegetarians.)
– Condensed from

The living do NOT outnumber the dead. Over the history of humanity about 60 billion people have died, around 10 times the number of humans on Earth today.


1970 [42] Shannon Leto, Bossier City LA, alt-rock drummer (30 Seconds to Mars-“This is War”, “Kings & Queens”)/brother of actor-bandmate Jared Leto

1976 [36] Ben Mulroney, Montréal QC, CTV personality (“eTalk Daily” since 2002, “Canadian Idol” 2003-08)/son of former PM Brian Mulroney

1980 [32] Chingy (Howard Bailey Jr), St Louis MO, rapper (w/Tyrese-“Pullin’ Me Back”, “Right Thurr”)

1986 [26] Brittany Snow, Tampa FL, movie actress (“Prom Night”, “Hairspray”)/former TV actress (“American Dreams” 2002-05)

1987 [25] Bow Wow (Shad Moss), Columbus OH, movie actor (“The Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift”, “Roll Bounce”)/rapper (w/R Kelly-“I’m a Flirt”, w/Chris Brown-“Shortie Like Mine”)

TV personality Shannon Tweed (“Gene Simmons: Family Jewels”) is 55; Rock bassist Jeff Ament (Pearl Jam) is 49; British royal Prince Edward is 48; TV actor Jon Hamm (“Mad Men”) is 41; Rapper-producer Timbaland (“Promiscuous”) is 40; Rock guitarist Jerry Horton (Papa Roach) is 37; R&B singer Robin Thicke (“Sex Therapy”) is 35; Country singer Carrie Underwood (“Undo It”) is 29; TV/movie actress Olivia Wilde (“House”) is 28.

Media magnateRupert Murdoch (FOX-TV/News Corp) is 81; TV actor Wallace Langham (“CSI”) is 47; Pop singer Lisa Loeb (“I Do”) is 44; Movie actor Terrence Howard (“Iron Man”) is 43; TV/movie actor Johnny Knoxville (“Jackass”) is 41; Punk-rock singers Benji & Joel Madden (Good Charlotte) are 33.

• “Amerigo Vespucci Day” [‘vuhs-POOCH-ee’], commemorating the Italian’s 1451 birth in Florence. He’s the marginally-successful explorer that a European mapmaker chose as namesake for the ‘New World’, as in ‘North Amerigo’.
✓ “No action in the National League last night but in the Vespuccian League …
✓ “Brazil is the economic engine of South Vespucci …”
✓ “Vespucci the beautiful …”
✓ “Next time you’re on the move, call North Vespuccian Van Lines …”
✓ “I’m Ryan Seacrest and this is ‘Vespuccian Idol’ …”
✓ “… has been certified platinum by the Recording Industry Association of Vespucci.”
✓ “USV! USV! …”
• “Barbie Day”, the anniversary of the day the world’s most successful doll was first unveiled in 1959 at NYC’s “International Toy Fair”. More than 900 million Barbies have been sold since.
• “Get Over It Day”, whatever it is that’s put that chip on your shoulder – a perceived slight, a public embarrassment, a failed relationship. Today’s the day to get over it and get on with your life.
• “Middle Name Pride Day”, so stand up and be proud … Alphonse and Gertrude.
• “World’s Largest Rattlesnake Round-Up”, the 53rd annual celebration in Sweetwater Texas, with live rattlesnakes on display, snake-meat to eat, snake products for sale, a parade, a cook-off, and the ‘Miss Snake Charmer Pageant’ … as well as lots of snake herding, of course.

• “International Day of Awesomeness”, a day to recognize that people are awesome every day, frequently don’t realize it, and their awesomeness is rarely recognized. On this special day you’re encouraged to both perform and celebrate feats of awesomeness!
• “Landline Telephone Day”, celebrating that ancient form of electronic communication that involved stringing wires on posts between houses (honest, they used to do this!). It’s observed on the anniversary of Alexander Graham Bell’s first successful phone call in 1876.
• “Maple Syrup Saturday”, a celebration of the running of the sap from which they make liquid gold. About 75% of the world’s supply is produced in the Canadian province of Québec.
• “Mario Day”, saluting anyone with that name because the abbreviated date (MAR-10) sort of spells ‘Mario’. Famous Marios include NHL Hall of Famer Mario Lemieux, legendary race car driver Mario Andretti, TV personality Mario Lopez, and the videogame Super Mario Bros.

• “Daylight Saving Time” in North America begins at 2 am. The semi-annual clock reset is touted as a good excuse for “Check Your Batteries Day”, when you test and/or replace smoke alarm batteries.
• “World Plumbing Day”, initiated by the World Plumbing Council to celebrate the important role plumbing plays in the health and safety of modern society. (Gee, how do we participate?)
• “Worship of Tools Day” (aka “Tool Appreciation Day”), celebrating men’s inexplicable fascination with high-priced gizmos. (What fancy tool have you bought, then never used?)

2005 [06] Dan Rather signs off for the last time as anchorman of “The CBS Evening News”

1987 [25] The Songwriters Hall of Fame in NYC admits Lennon & McCartney, Goffin & King, Mann & Weil, and Sam Cooke in its initial induction ceremony

1964 [48] 1st Ford ‘Mustang’ car is manufactured (goes on to become a classic collectible)

1987 [25] In Ishikawa, Japan 800 builders complete the ‘World’s Largest Piece of Furniture’, a bench 1,512-feet-long that seats 1,400 people (and has 22,000 wads of gum stuck underneath)

[Mon] Napping Day
[Mon] Commonwealth Day
[Tues] “SXSW Festival” begins (Austin TX)
[Tues] Rolling Stones Tribute Concert (NYC)
[Tues] K-9 Veterans Day
[Tues] L Ron Hubbard Day
This Week Is … Read an eBook Week
This Month Is … Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month


Even though actor/martial arts expert Chuck Norris becomes a geezer of 72 on Saturday, he remains the quintessential icon for toughness. How tough is he? Well …
• There is no Theory of Evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris is the reason why ‘Waldo’ is hiding.
• ‘Superman’ wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known as giraffes.
• ‘Chuck Norris Bathroom Tissue’ was a failure because it wouldn’t take crap from anybody.
• When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.


The problem with getting a life is making the payments.

☎ How many dates does it take before you know you’re in love? (A “Mademoiselle” survey finds the majority of single women know whether or not they’re truly in love after 10 dates.)

Question: Just over half of us regularly do THIS, whether we’re good at it or not.
Answer: Sing in the shower.

It’s easier to do good than be good.

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