Friday, March 9, 2012        Edition: #4702

Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
33-year-old scantily-clad actress Jennifer Love Hewitt appears front & center on the cover of “Maxim” magazine’s April issue and admits: “It’s horrible to say but I like my boobs; they’ve always served me well” (thereby setting back the women’s movement by 50 years) . . . Following her hospitalization last week after an apparent suicide attempt, former reality TV star Tila Tequila is heading to rehab (it’s been 5 long years out of the limelight since MTV’s “A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila”) . . . Ex-“Felicity” star Keri Russell is returning to TV in the FX drama pilot “The Americans”, about the complex marriage of 2 KGB spies posing as Americans in suburban Washington DC during the early 1980s (love it already!) . . . 4 pedestrians have been hospitalized with seemingly minor injuries after a billboard of British supermodel Kate Moss fell on them in one of London’s busiest shopping districts (if it was life-sized, it likely only weighed 50 lbs) . . . A new sex tape has surfaced featuring – ew! – 58-year-old former wrestling champ Hulk Hogan, which he claims was filmed in secret (whoa, nice finishing move, big guy!) . . . 24-year-old Denver Broncos QB has let it be known via Twitter that, despite online rumors, he will NOT be starring in the next season of “The Bachelor” (nor the next season of the NFL, we’re betting) . . . Today’s edition of “Us Weekly” reports 26-year-old actress Amanda Seyfried (next in “Lovelace”) has been seeing 33-year-old actor Josh Hartnett (last hit “Sin City”) since January (there’ll be trouble – she’s a much bigger star) . . . And 25-year-old TV star-turned-fashion maven Ashley Olsen has vowed in an interview with April’s “Elle” magazine to NEVER act again (and the world cries huzzah!).

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Robin Thicke (“Love After War”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Melanie Fiona (“The MF Life”, out March 20th); Steven Tyler (“American Idol”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight The Horrors (“Skying”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Today Big Time Rush (“BTR”).
• “Oprah’s Next Chapter” (OWN) – Sunday, in a pre-taped special, Oprah interviews 19-year-old Bobbi Kristina Houston-Brown, the late Whitney Houston’s daughter via Bobby Brown. It’s her first interview since the death of her mom February 11th.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host Jonah Hill (“21 Jump Street”, opening March 16th; musical guest The Shins (“Port of Morrow”, out March 20th).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Today Jewel (“Sweet & Wild”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Estelle (“All of Me”). Rerun.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Fiona Apple – Her long-awaited 4th album will be titled “The Idler Wheel is Wiser Than The Driver Of the Screw, and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do”. This is still shorter than her 1999 album title, commonly known as “When The Pawn …”. The new work is due this June.
• Jesus & Mary Chain – Sunday the 1980s band (“Blues From a Gun”) kicks off their 1st North American tour since 2008. It gets underway in Denton TX.
• Justin Bieber – His mother Pattie Mallette has a new publishing deal to write the memoir “Nowhere But Up: The Story of Justin Bieber’s Mom”, which will detail her troubled youth and how she turned her life around when she found herself single and pregnant. It’s due September 18th.
• Maroon 5 – Frontman Adam Levine is set to launch his first fragrance in May 2013, to be called ‘222 by Adam Levine’. He is working with ID Perfumes, which also handles Selena Gomez’s fragrance license.
• Rihanna – A couple of quotes from her father Ronald Fenty’s new interview in “Heat” magazine: “I actually thought she was a little fat the last time I saw her.” And “Chris [Brown] is a nice guy and everybody’s entitled to make mistakes in their life … God knows how many I’ve made.” (Like speaking in public, for instance.)
• Whitney Houston – “Inside Edition” reports that her will doesn’t mention specific assets but leaves basically everything to her daughter Bobbi Kristina. It was signed on February 3rd, 1993, about a month before Houston gave birth to her daughter. (There likely wasn’t much cash involved until AFTER she died. Houston’s “Greatest Hits” album was #2 in sales this week.)

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Friends With Kids” ( R-Rated Comedy ) – Jennifer Westfeldt wrote, directed, and stars in this story of 2 best friends who decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships. Co-stars Adam Scott, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph.
NET: http://www.friendswithkids.com
• “John Carter” ( PG-13 Sci-Fi Action Adventure ) – Transplanted to Mars, a Civil War vet discovers a lush planet inhabited by 12-foot-tall barbarians. He escapes their clutches only to encounter a princess in desperate need of a saviour. Stars Kelowna BC-born Taylor Kitsch (“Friday Night Lights”), Lynn Collins (“True Blood”). Based on novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
NET: http://disney.go.com/johncarter
• “Salmon Fishing In the Yemen” ( PG-13 Romantic Comedy ) – A fishing expert is approached by a consultant to help realize a sheik’s vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to his country deep in the desert. Stars Ewan McGregor, Emily Blunt. Debuted at the Toronto Film Festival in 2011.
NET: http://www.fishingintheyemen.com
• “A Thousand Words” (PG-13 Comedy ) – Eddie Murphy plays a literary agent who stretches the truth during a deal with a spiritual guru and, as a result, finds himself involved in a series of bizarre incidents designed to teach him that there are consequences to every word we speak. Co-stars Kerry Washington, Ruby Dee.
NET: http://www.thousandwordsmovie.com

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Sulawesi Island, Indonesia – The local government in this northern territory is sending thousands of male civil servants’ salaries … straight to their wives. It’s an effort to curb cheating. How so? Officials claim the direct-to-spouse pay system will help fortify family bonds since the men will no longer be able to splurge on … other women.
– NYPost.com
• Leeds, England – A 27-year-old woman with a condition called ‘objectum sexuality’, which causes victims to fall in love with things rather than people, claims she’s found true love with … the Statue of Liberty. She first fell for ‘Libby’ upon seeing a photo online and has since visited the NYC landmark 4 times, caressing it and leaning out a window to kiss its hair. She previously had a love affair with a drum kit.
– “The Sun”
• East Lansing, Michigan – Michigan State University is offering a new course entitled “Surviving the Coming Zombie Apocalypse: Catastrophes & Human Behavior”. The class is supposed to help students explore human responses to major disasters and emergency situations by discussing a ‘simulated’ zombie attack. Ah! Good thing it’s just simulated.
– NYPost.com

NO MORE WOLF-WHISTLING:
This week’s ‘Convention on Violence Against Women’ hosted by the Council of Europe has pledged to lobby for the criminalization of sexual harassment. 18 countries have signed on to push for legislation which would ban ‘unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature with the purpose or effect of violating the dignity of a person, in particular when creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment’. (OK, we’re on board with that but … where do we draw the line? Can one never compliment a woman on her appearance?)
– HecklerSpray.com

FOOD ADDITIVES YOU DON’T WANNA KNOW ABOUT:
✗ Carmine – Red food coloring made from crushed beetle husks. It’s used in cranberry cocktail, candy, and other products to create the desired rosy hue.
✗ Lanolin – Gum base made from the oil found in sheep’s wool. Keep that in mind next time you’re chewing gum.
✗ Propylene Glycol – Basically a less toxic version of antifreeze, it’s used to keep foods from freezing solid. One common usage … ice cream.
✗ Shellac – This wood finish made from the Lac beetle is also used to give some foods their shine. Candy, for example.
✗ Silicon Dioxide – A fancy-schmancy name for sand. It’s used as an anti-caking agent in some foods, including shredded cheese.
✗ Soylent Pink – Ammonium hydroxide-treated beef scraps blended with bovine connective tissue. It’s used to cut ground beef so it can be spread further to make more patties.
(Some fine examples of why people become vegetarians.)
– Condensed from TheToiletPaper.com

BS AMAZING FACTS:
The living do NOT outnumber the dead. Over the history of humanity about 60 billion people have died, around 10 times the number of humans on Earth today.
– DidYouKnow.org

BS CHRONOMETER 03.09.12