Friday, October 7, 2005        Edition: #3132
Ahhhh, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

THIS WEEKEND aging rocker Elvis Costello premieres his new opera about children’s author Hans Christian Anderson, “The Secret Arias”,  in Copenhagen, Denmark (picture this – Costello will play both Anderson & circus impresario PT Barnum) . . . Even though Martha Stewart promised on her TV show, it seems she won’t be attending THIS WEEKEND’s local parade and pumpkin-raft race in Windsor NS after all – as a recent ex-con, she’s not allowed to enter Canada (yeah, we don’t want some dangerous offender coming over to tidy up) . . . Until SUNDAY Jennifer Garner, Muhammad Ali & Ricky Martin are among celebs being offered up as dinner companions in an auction to raise money for charity (NET: . . . Wyclef Jean is developing an HBO comedy series loosely based on his life, and also plans to write original music for the series (eventually everyone will have their own TV show) . . . Rumors have been circulating on the Internet that Apple Corp is set to launch a video iPod . . . Someone close to Britney Spears has apparently gotten hold of a video-taped bedroom romp with her hubby Kevin Federline, and is threatening to sell it online (eventually everyone will have their own sex video) . . . There are more reports that the Jessica Simpson-Nick Lachay marriage has been dead for some time, but they’re said to be waiting to make an official announcement later THIS MONTH (their problems reportedly include her ego, her partying, and – her obnoxious dad) . . . Mischief charges will be filed against a camo-clad LA photog who tried to infiltrate the set of Brad Pitt’s now-shooting movie “The Assassination of Jesse James” on a private ranch near Cochrane AB (dude, you should have dressed as a cow!) . . . And because he just doesn’t have enough money yet, “Lord of the Rings” filmmaker Peter Jackson & his wife Fran Walsh will serve as executive producers of the upcoming bigscreen adaptation of the enormously successful video game “Halo” (close to 14 million copies sold worldwide).

• Ashlee Simpson – TOMORROW she’ll try to prove she can actually sing during a return appearance on “Saturday Night Live”.
• Chris Cagle – He’s announced on his Website that he’s not the biological father of girlfriend Tammy Wheeler’s baby. He says he’s ‘disappointed’ but won’t be commenting further … until he writes a country song about it.
• Christina Aguilera – TODAY she’s on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Doug Stone – He won’t be playing any concerts for a while because he’s doing 6 months in the slammer for not paying alimony & child support. Maybe he really is “Addicted to a Dollar”.
• Eminem – His legal advisors have filed a lawsuit to stop his songs from being sold as cellphone ringtones on the Internet. They also plan to sue karaoke companies that use his tunes without proper licenses. His rehab must be costing big bucks!
• Franz Ferdinand – For their new album, “You Could Have It So Much Better”, frontman Alex Kapranos says they had about 300 hours worth of music & ideas that they had to whittle down.
• INXS – They’ll hit the road with their new lead singer JD Fortune with a world tour beginning JANUARY 18th in Vancouver.
• The Killers – SATURDAY they’re headlining the “Download Festival” in Mountain View CA, which also features Modest Mouse, the Arcade Fire & the Doves.
• Nickelback – TONIGHT they’re on ABC-TV’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”.
• Usher – SUNDAY he headlines “Project Restart”, a benefit concert in Atlanta GA for hurricane victims.
• Wynonna Judd – TONIGHT she does the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.

• “In Her Shoes” (PG-13 Comedy): Fireworks fly when 2 sisters, one an irresponsible party girl (Cameron Diaz) and the other an ambitious attorney (Toni Collette), decide to move in together.  Shirley MacLaine plays the grandmother neither knew existed who shows up unexpectedly.
• “Two For the Money” (R-Rated Drama): Matthew McConaughey plays a star college football player who blows out a knee, forcing him to consider other career options. He’s hired by one of the biggest bookies in the sports-gambling business (Al Pacino). Rene Russo co-stars. Partially shot in Vancouver.
• “Waiting …” (R-Rated Comedy): Young employees in a chain restaurant called ‘Shenanigan’s’ manage to survive the grind of their dead-end jobs by playing food service–related practical jokes. Stars Ryan Reynolds & Justin Long.
• “Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit” (G-Rated Animated Family): In their latest adventure, the Brit claymation characters set out to discover the mystery behind the garden sabotage that threatens the annual giant vegetable growing contest. Voice actors include Ralph Fiennes & Helena Bonham Carter. The film took 5 years to make.

An article called “Will We Merge With Machines?” makes predictions about how new technologies will change our bodies. Among the goodies to look forward to: a cellphone implanted in your jawbone; a bionic ear surgically attached to your inner ear; microchips to enhance memory and reverse Alzheimer’s; and microchips implanted just beneath the skull to enable you to control electronic devices with your thoughts. Technology geeks also promise to make dieting easier with a device that delivers mild shocks to the stomach, to make the brain believe you’re already full. All of this within 15 years!
– “Popular Science”

THIS WEEK Susie Dent’s new book “Fanboys & Overdogs: The Language Report” is being published. It lists recently coined words and insider jargon used in technology, politics, and the media. Among the new terms she’s unearthed ….
• ‘Crunk’ – The urban dance style that’s a contraction of ‘crazy’ and ‘drunk’.
• ‘Ova-wicked’ – Not just good, but really, really good.
• ‘Fanboys’ – Males who are absorbed by a passion for comic books or computer games.
Her frontrunner for the 2005 ‘Word of the Year’ is ‘sudoku’, the number logic puzzle that has become even hotter than crosswords in many newspapers, particularly in Britain.
– “Toronto Star”

A new study has found that people who snore are at a greater risk of suffering depression and marital breakdowns, even though they may not realize it. Researchers have found that virtually undetectable breaks in the sleeping patterns of those with sleep apnea are enough to leave sufferers feeling listless and irritable. Few are aware that the condition is the source of their problems and many blame them on other factors in their lives. (One thing for sure, snoring sure causes depression – in spouses.)

The world’s first robotic fish are the latest attraction at the UK’s London Aquarium. Biologically inspired by the common carp, the new aquatic ‘bots can avoid objects and swim around a specially designed tank entirely on their own. It took a team of scientists from Essex University 3 years to develop the new cyberfish. (And they picked a ‘carp’?)
– BBC News

• The most violent country in the developed world is now – Scotland. According to a new UN report over 2,000 Scots are assaulted each week, with knife attacks being the most prevalent form of violence.
• 70% of American pet owners sign their animals’ names on greeting cards. (On the other 30% … the pets do.)


1951 [54] John Mellencamp, Seymour IN, pop singer (“Jack & Diane”)/Farm Aid co-founder

1952 [53] Vladimir Putin, St Petersburg, Russia, President of Russia since 2000

1953 [52] Tico (Hector) Torres, NYC, rock drummer (Bon Jovi-“Misunderstood”, “Always”)

1959 [46] Simon Cowell, Brighton UK, TV personality/producer (“American Idol” since 2002, “The X Factor” [UK] since 2004, “Pop Idol” [UK] 2001-03)

1968 [37] Toni Braxton, Severn MD, R&B/pop singer (“Please”, “Unbreak My Heart”)

1968 [37] Thom Yorke, Wellingborough UK, rock singer/guitarist (Radiohead-“Creep”)

1976 [29] Rachel McAdams, London ON, movie actress (“Red Eye”, “Wedding Crashers”)

1979 [26] Shawn Ashmore, Richmond BC, movie actor (‘Iceman/Bobby Drake’-“X-Men 1-3″)

Movie actor Paul Hogan (“Crocodile Dundee”) is 66; Movie actor-comedian Chevy Chase (“Caddyshack”) is 62; Movie actress Sigourney Weaver (“Alien”) is 56; TV actress Emily Procter (“CSI: Miami”) is 37; Movie actor Matt Damon (“The Bourne Supremacy”) is 35; TV actor Angus T Jones (“Two & a Half Men”) is 12.

Classic rocker Jackson Browne (“Running on Empty”) is 57; TV actor Tony Shalhoub (“Monk”) is 52; TV personality Sharon Osbourne is 53; TV actor John O’Hurley (“Dancing with the Stars”) is 49; Country singer Gary Bennett (BR5-49) is 41.

TODAY is –
• “Kitchener-Waterloo Oktoberfest”, the world’s 2nd-largest Oktoberfest (after Munich), expected to draw over 750,000 to suck back suds and sausages in more than 20 ‘Festhallen’ through October 15th. It also features the largest “Thanksgiving Day Parade” in Canada.
PHONER: 888.294.4267
10th annual “National Denim Day”, an excellent little promotion in which Lee Jeans asks companies to allow employees to wear denim to work in exchange for a $5 donation to breast cancer research. This year,  James Denton & Ricardo Antonio Chavira of “Desperate Housewives” are the celebrity spokesmen as more than a million people are expected to participate at over 27,000 companies.

• “North American Wife-Carrying Contest”, the 6th annual competition held at the Sunday River ski area in Bethel, Maine. Husbands carry wives through an obstacle course. Best time wins the female’s weight in beer, 5 times her weight in cash, and a chance to compete in the ‘worlds’ in Finland. LAST YEAR’S champs were Canadian couple Pete Knelson & Amanda Richardson.
PHONER: 207.824.3000 (Sunday River Ski Resort, Bethel ME)
• “Turkey Testicle Festival” in Byron IL. The 27th annual celebration includes a motorcycle poker run called the ‘Run For the Nuts’, plus lotsa beer and deep-fried … well, er turkey testicles – yummers! The big bash’s slogans are ‘Let’s All Get Nuts!’. The official theme song is here …

• “Dessert Day”. OK, what’s the all-time most sinfully delicious, can’t stop snortin’ it dessert? Cherry cheesecake? Tiramisu? (It’s been called ‘Heaven In Your Mouth’.)
• “International Alan Day”, created by the International Forum of Alans to salute the ‘Alan of the Year’ and anyone with a name that’s a variation, ie: Allan, Alannis, Allen, etc.
• “Leif Erikson Day” in Norway & Iceland, commemorating the Viking explorer’s discovery of North America (‘Vinland’) circa 1000 AD – almost 500 years BEFORE Columbus!

THIS WEEK is “National Metric Week”, promoting American conversion to the system that has become the standard in the rest of the world. So why isn’t the concept very popular in America?

“Thanksgiving Day” in Canada, thanks to a 1957 act of parliament making the 2nd Monday in October ‘a day of general thanksgiving for the bountiful harvest with which Canada has been blessed’. Many historians believe the first North American “Thanksgiving” event occurred in Newfoundland in 1578. That would put it 43 years before the Pilgrims landing in Massachusetts in 1621. Others claim the first Canadian Thanksgiving was celebrated in Halifax in 1763. It became an annual Canadian tradition in 1879, celebrated on the same day as the USA. It was later moved ahead to reflect the earlier harvest season.

2003 [02] In State of California recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is elected Governor

1828 [177] 1st ‘Bathtub’ introduced, in England

1916 [89] ‘Most Lop-Sided Victory in College Football’ as Georgia Tech beats Cumberland College 222-0

[Mon] Columbus Day (USA)
[Tues] Emergency Nurses Day
[Wed-Oct 23] New Montréal FilmFest
[Wed] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Wed] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Thurs] Yom Kippur (Jewish)
This Week Is . . . Squirrel Awareness Week (hey, what’s that bushy-tailed rodent climbing that tree over there?)
This Month Is . . . Dryer Vent Safety Month (what could possibly go wrong here … you burn your undies?)


May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ‘n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize;
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

• No concern about salmonella.
• Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
• Pets won’t pester you for scraps.
• No one will overeat.
• The smoke alarm was due for a test.
• Carving the bird will provide a good C-V workout.
• If no one will eat it, you can take it out to the backyard and play football.
• You won’t have to face 3 weeks of turkey sandwiches.

• Invite your mother to come for a visit . . . unannounced . . . for a month.
• Replace the fresh batteries in the TV remote with dead ones . . . each day.
• Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
• Organize his workshop, bedroom, garage or other special place.
• ‘Accidentally’ fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
• Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him on his fishing trip . . . with a camera.
• Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.

• Arkansas is the only US state that starts with an ‘A’ but does not end in ‘A’. (TRUE.)
• Rubbing sage into your scalp can improve memory. (TRUE. But you smell like Thanksgiving dinner.)
• Neck ties were first worn in England. (BS. Blame it on Croatia.)
• Left-handed people catch 3 times as many colds as righties. (TRUE, says a Harvard U study.)
• Laughing 100 times per day provides the same cardiovascular benefits as 10 minutes of rowing. (TRUE, according to Stanford University research.)

• What’s your family’s unusual Thanksgiving tradition?
• Shouldn’t Lindsay Lohan quit pointing the finger at others and just admit it – she’s a lousy driver?
• Is it not sickening when TV contestants (ie: “Amazing Race”) continuously prayer for help to win money?

• What has feathers and webbed feet? A turkey wearing scuba gear.
• Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
• Can a turkey jump higher than the CN Tower? Of course. The tower can’t jump at all.

Today’s Question: 60% of the time, we do THIS alone.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Watch a rented movie.

If you want to lose weight, just eat foods that you don’t like.

Happy Turkey Day, all!

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