Wednesday, October 8, 2003                   Edition: #2639
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

Word has it producers of “Siegfried & Roy” fired the show’s 267 cast and crew members shortly after Roy Horn’s tiger attack, including 58 dancers who were handed garbage bags and told to clear out their personal effects . . . Meanwhile, the Mirage Hotel-Casino confirms that it caught the tiger attack on tape – but it won’t be showing the grisly spectacle (until the right TV offers the right money) . . . It’s unlikely we’ll ever find out what Arnold Schwarzenegger really said about Adolf Hitler since he bought the rights to his 1977 movie “Pumping Iron” and all of its out-takes back in 1991 . . . In an unusual marketing move, the Rolling Stones have decided they’ll sell their upcoming 4-disc DVD “Four Flicks” exclusively through the Best Buy electronics chain for the first 4 weeks after its release NOVEMBER 11th . . . 1980’s pop duo Tears For Fears (“Everybody Wants to Rule the World”) has reunited to record their 1st album since 1989 . . . In a recent interview, 33-year-old Mariah Carrey claims she has only ever slept with ‘3-and-a-half’ men . . . Celebrities celebrating new babies include tennis stars Andre Agassi & Steffi Graf (Jaz Elle Agassi), and actress Helena Bonham Carter & director-boyfriend Tim Burton (no-name son) . . . 35-year-old Heather Mills has let it slip that she & 61-year-old hubby Paul McCartney are expecting a baby boy . . . Actress Nicole Kidman & rocker Lenny Kravitz have made their 1st public appearance together after secretly seeing each other since AUGUST, at magician David Copperfield’s 47th birthday party in NYC . . . Pink has reportedly split with her long-term boyfriend, motocross champ Carey Hart, and taken up with Lars Frederiksen of nu-ska band Rancid . . . After spending so much time in the Cambodian jungle, Angelina Jolie has developed a fondness for some of the local cuisine, including cockroaches, bee larvae & crickets – which come with either peanuts inside or with original guts (makes a nice light snack!).

New terms leaking into the lingo –
• ‘Upgrade the Herd’ – To weed out bad employees and hire better ones. (“Wow, morning show ratings are way down … time to upgrade the herd!”)
• ‘Kudo Loop’ – The seemingly endless e-mail loop that occurs when everyone in the office feels they must add their 2 cents-worth to a ‘Great Job!’ e-mail from the boss. (“I agree with JB’s comments and also congratulate everyone in my department, which coincidentally outperformed all others … blah blah blah”)

Highlights (or may be lowlights) from a new National Safe Kids Campaign study that monitored over 25,000 vehicles at close to 300 intersections with stop signs –
• 37% of vehicles rolled slowly through stop signs.
• 25% stopped for stop signs, but not until the vehicle was in the crosswalk or intersection.
• 7% of vehicles didn’t stop for stops signs at all.
• Only 29% stopped before the crosswalk or intersection as they were supposed to.

For a new study on the effect of ambient music on dining, researchers persuaded a restaurant to change the background (pop music, classical music, silence, etc) on successive nights over an 18-day period. On nights when the classics were playing – a recording of Beethoven, Mahler and Vivaldi – patrons spent more on dinner, especially on fancy coffees, pricy fine wines and luxurious desserts. Why? Psychologist Adrian North says it makes you feel more cultured and sophisticated. (When they had this show on the PA system, people ordered more pork rinds.)

Sonya ‘The Black Widow’ Thomas of Alexandria VA has just won the ‘World Champion Barbecue Eating Contest’ by wolfing down 23 barbecue sandwiches in 12 minutes in Corinth MS. She’s also won the ‘World Champion Chicken Taco Eating Contest’ by eating 43 tacos in 11 minutes, and holds the female world records for consuming 24 hot dogs in 12 minutes and 68 hard-boiled eggs in 8 minutes. Now erase that mental image from your mind and try to picture this – she only weighs 107 lbs!

Got a real melon on your shoulders? Be glad! According to a new study published in the OCTOBER issue of the journal “Brain”, the larger a person’s head, the less likely their cognitive abilities are to decline in later years. Southampton University scientists also say people with large skulls are more likely to maintain memory as seniors.

In her new book, “Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School”, marketing consultant Rachel Greenwald outlines a 15-step program that shows women how to package their assets, develop a personal brand, use telemarketing to get the word out, establish a husband-search budget and hold performance reviews to assess results. She even explains how to conduct an ‘exit interview’ with a guy who’s just dumped you in order to find out what went wrong. Greenwald says finding a mate is a simple matter of packaging, branding, and niche marketing. (Call us now and sell yourself on-the-air!)

• A heroic kitty named ‘Puss Puss’ has saved a lamb that was drowning in a swimming pool in Cheltenham, England by running to her masters and frantically meowing while pacing back and forth until they came outside. (The lamb was okay, but its coat shrunk. Wool is such a pain!)
• An Alexandria, Virginia man who claims his lost 11-year-old African gray parrot was adopted by another family says he can prove it in court by questioning the bird on the witness stand. ‘Loulou’ can whistle TV theme songs and say ‘Daddy’s gotta go to work’. (“Place your right claw on the Bible …”)
• A man’s car backfired near Culdesac, Idaho … which accidentally set fire to his dog … which rolled on the grass to extinguish its coat … which started a forest fire. (Which caused the guy to jump back in his car to get away but the car backfired …)
• A 72-year-old Perth, Australia man has been fined $2,000 for performing a backyard castration on his neighbor’s dog. (Ouch! Every guy listening just developed a lap ache.)


1939 [64] Paul Hogan, Lightning Ridge AUS, movie actor (“Crocodile Dundee 1-3″)

1941 [62] Rev Jesse Jackson, Greenville SC, civil rights leader/politician/ladies’ man

1943 [60] Chevy (Cornelius Crane) Chase, Woodstock NY, movie actor (“Vacation” series, “Caddyshack”)

1943 [60] RL Stine, Columbus OH, scary children’s author (“Goosebumps” series)

1949 [54] Sigourney (Susan) Weaver, NYC, movie actress (“Holes”, “Alien” series)

1968 [35] Emily Procter, Raleigh NC, TV actress (‘Calleigh Duquesne’-“CSI: Miami” since 2002, ‘Ainsley Hayes’-“The West Wing” 2000-02 )

1970 [33] Matt Damon, Cambridge MA, movie actor (“The Bourne Identity”, “Ocean’s Eleven”, Screenwriting Oscar-“Good Will Hunting”)

TODAY is “UN International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction”. (So try not to create any tornadoes on the way to work?)
TODAY is “National Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work & School Day”, a day to recognize the
value of Teddy Bears as stress relievers.

THURSDAY is ‘International Alan Day’, created by the International Forum of Alans to salute the ‘Alan of the Year’ and anyone with a name that’s a variation, ie: Allan, Alannis, Allen, etc.

FRIDAY is the 8th annual “National Denim Day”, an excellent little promotion in which Lee Jeans asks companies to allow employees to wear denim to work in exchange for a $5 donation to breast cancer research. This year it’s expected more than a million people will participate. Since 1996, the initiative has raised over $36 million.

THIS WEEK is “National Metric Week”, promoting American conversion to the system that has become the standard in the rest of the world. Ask why the concept isn’t very popular in the US.
PHONER: 703.620.9840 (National Council of Mathematics Teachers -Reston VA)

THIS WEEK is “National Home-Based Business Week”, recognizing the proliferation of small businesses run from households, a trend that’s expected to continue to mushroom. Ask listeners for the most unusual way they’ve heard of someone making money from home.

1896 [107] 1st ‘Dow Jones average’ reported (“And the Dow shot up today to … 2”)

1906 [97] Hairdresser Karl Nessler introduces the ‘permanent wave’ (perm) at his London salon

1967 [36] 1st ‘Breathalyzer’ test for alcohol consumption used on speeding motorist

1988 [15] Lirida Paz of Elizabeth NJ patents the ‘Musical Potty Chair’ which automatically plays music when a child-trainee successfully uses it (suggested songs?)

1956 [47] Only ‘perfect ga
me’ ever pitched in World Series (NY Yankee Don Larsen vs Brooklyn)

1978 [25] ‘World’s largest pizza’ measures 80 feet in diameter (Glens Falls NY)

[Thurs] National Dessert Day
[Fri] Full Moon (Hunter’s Moon)
[Sat] Emergency Nurses Day
[Sun] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Sun] Farmers Day
[Sun] World Egg Day
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day
This Week Is – Fire Prevention Week / Credit Union Week
This Month Is – Dessert Month / Cosmetology Month


• Aries – Today will be a very musical day for you. Next time remember the Beano.
• Taurus – Today’s another good day NOT to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it IS silly!
• Gemini – Your love life is just NOT going to pick up. You seriously need to consider a mail-order bride from an Eastern European country.
• Cancer – You’re missing him. You know he’s missing you. You’ve got a phone – use it ya knuckleknob!
• Leo – Before the end of the day you will find yourself in a huge handbasket and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
• Virgo – Your co-workers are driving you crazy! Just ignore ’em. They all go away once you’ve starved ’em for air and they run out of things to bitch about.
• Libra – Be nice to yourself this week … buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
• Scorpio – There are probably a few people in your life you need to say goodbye to. Be firm, be strong and if they start to whine, drop-kick them into the middle of the street and call a cab.
• Sagittarius – Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. Find someone else to blame and move on.
• Capricorn – You have a businesslike attitude toward life and a knack for making money. In other words, you’re an unscrupulous bastard who would sell his mother’s kidneys to make a few extra bucks.
• Aquarius – Steaming hot home-made apple pie fresh out of the oven is the only antidote for what ails you. Trust me on this one.
• Pisces – Be wary of that person you’ve chosen as your mentor. You’re unlikely to find much insight in the crappy, throwaway ramblings of some radio guy.

Schools are cracking down on girls with bare midriffs and G-strings that peek out above low-cut pants. What did you wear that got you in trouble at school? Did you alter your school uniform?

“Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus” author Dr John Gray says that women in the workplace need to stop complaining and be less emotional in order to be accepted by their male colleagues. Truth or cruelty?

Today’s Question: According to wedding experts, THIS is the #1 thing a groom should NOT bring along on the honeymoon.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: His laptop.

The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.

Radio people should be heard and not seen. It’s an old adage and it’s often true! When CHR drivetime jock Donny recently appeared on TV, he transformed from a lean, smooth-talking ‘package’ into an overweight blob with bad skin. Pictured on her show’s Website, network co-host Andrea changes from a sophisticated model-type into a horsey-faced geek. And billboards show that sexy morning co-host Sunni isn’t really that sexy at all … more of a middle-aged matron with reading glasses. In Hollywood, they like to say the camera ‘loves’ some actors, actually enhancing their appearance when they hit the bigscreen. Similarly in radio, there are voices the mike loves, conjuring up fantastic images in listeners’ minds. So why spoil the magic? If you have a ‘perfect face for radio’, keep it that way … on radio.

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