Wednesday, October 2, 2002        Edition: #2390
Here’s Sheet in Your Eye!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY a charity auction begins on eBay featuring ‘refrigerator art’ by celebrities – actual refrigerators turned into canvases for their artwork . . . Following the success of stage musicals of ABBA’s “Mamma Mia!” and Queen’s “We Will Rock You”, London producers are now developing musicals around oldies by Rod Stewart and Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumors” album . . . Trade mag ”Advertising Age” reveals the most expensive 30-second spots on US TV are on “Friends” ($455,700), “ER” ($438,514), and “Survivor” ($418,750) . . . THIS WEEK actors Richard Gere & Goldie Hawn are in northern India acting as observers during a 5-day conference between Western scientists & Tibetan Buddhists . . . “Elvis: 30 No 1 Hits” has already sold over a half-million copies, making the album #1 even though he’s been dead for 25 years . . . 56-year-old Liza Minnelli has announced she plans to adopt 3 more children with hubby/producer David Gest (likely to fill out the household when their reality series ”Liza and David” debuts on VH1 later THIS YEAR) . . . And has-been pop star George Michael has been overheard snapping at boyfriend Kenny Goss after his wallet was stolen at LA airport saying, “For f*** sake, it’s your job to watch for pickpockets – do I have to do everything myself?” (hell hath no fury….).

NEW TERMS FOR ‘02:
• ‘Out of Runway’ – The point when you realize that no matter how hard you work it’ll be impossible to meet an approaching deadline. (“I’ve already had 5 extensions to get that report in, I’m just plumb out of runway.”)
• ‘CurTail’ – A new food additive being developed by the makers of ‘Beano’ which will be marketed as a solution for – ‘gaseous pets’.
• ‘PUH’ – Standing for ‘Personal Umbrella Handler’, it’s the latest Hollywood accessory. Next time there’s an awards show or movie premiere check out how many celebs actually pay someone to keep the rain off their heads. Gwyneth Paltrow, Britney Spears, Robert De Niro, P Diddy and Meg Ryan all have ‘PUHs’.
• ‘Tunneling’ – Refers to top corporate executives transferring assets and cash out of a corporation into their own private accounts, leaving the company with liabilities and assets of little value. Thanks to Adelphia and others for bringing this term to our attention.

WE’RE CHEAP BASTARDS:
A new ‘Scrooge’ survey of typical spending habits finds just how cheap some of us can be. Some highlights of the lengths we’ll go to in order to save a buck –
• 90% have taken advantage of 2-for-1 offers.
• 50% admit they have taken their own snacks into a movie theater.
• 29% have helped themselves freely to shampoo in hotel rooms, some also taking towels and/or bathrobes.
• 23% have re-used a postage stamp that wasn’t cancelled by prying it off an envelope.
• 21% have asked for a return call on a mobile phone in order to avoid charges.
• 17% admit to copying someone else’s CDs onto cassettes to save money.
• 14% have had their hair cut really short in order to delay a return trip to the hairdresser.
• And unbelievably, 1 in 20 have actually dumped a partner before Christmas or Valentine’s Day in order to avoid buying a gift!

EAU DE DRUNK:
Inventor and pub landlord Peter Inselkammer introduced a new souvenir to take home from this year’s 169th “Oktoberfest” in Munich, Germany’s annual homage to beer. It’s a new 150-dollar-a-bottle perfume called  ‘Armbrustschuetzenzelt’ that’s intended to evoke memories of the famous festival because it smells like – rancid beer and cigarette butts. (You can get the same effect for 10 bucks on a Friday night.)

EXPLODING THE MYTH:
A new study in the “British Journal of Urology International” concludes that using a man’s shoe size to obtain an indirect estimate of penile length is totally unreliable. The study of 104 men shows that the size of their feet does NOT necessarily correlate with sex organ size at all. (Now thumbs, however . . .)

4 EYES = NO GUYS:
New research suggests that wearing contact lenses instead of eyeglasses increases a woman’s appeal to men by up to 400%. In a University of Warwick study, 85% of young women who switched to contact lenses from glasses reported increased self-confidence, while 75% of those who switched from contacts to regular eyewear complained of feeling less confident. Half of those who changed to contacts reported a definite increase in their ability to attract males. 80% of those wearing glasses felt less able to attract a mate. Psychology researcher Dr June McNicholas concludes – men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses. (Until they’ve had 3 or more beers. Then they’ll make a pass at anything breathing.)

SEARCH BEES:
Researchers in Montana say they have been training honeybees to sniff out land mines. They say bees have a very refined sense of smell, live in packs of thousands, are quicker than dogs and can learn within days. The method could provide an effective way of finding the estimated 110 million unexploded land mines around the world. (The hard part is getting the little teeny harnesses on them.)

FOR THE RECORD:
In York UK, Garry ‘Stretch’ Turner has broken his own world record by clipping 153 clothes pins to his face. (Ouchhhh!)

GETTING INTO A GOOD MOOD:
According to psychiatrist Dr Mark Goulston, there are 5 simple steps to getting yourself out of a bad mood.
1. Don’t dwell on problems – Examining your troubles too closely will only compound your misery.
2. Distract yourself from your troubles – Take a walk, go shopping, watch TV or read a book.
3. Find something funny about your situation – Humor can defuse tension and boost your spirits. Joke and laugh about your bad mood and you’ll quickly begin to feel better.
4. Seek compliments – When you’re in a bad mood, you need comfort and reassurance from others. Ask a spouse or friend to tell you how special you are.
5. Analyze disputes – Figure out whether a distressing situation is really very serious, then calmly try to communicate with the other person to resolve it.

DUMB PICK-UP LINES:
A survey in the upcoming issue of “American Curves” magazine asked women to reveal lousy pick-up lines that actually worked on them. Publisher Robert Kennedy suggests the study doesn’t prove dump pick-up lines work, just that many women make up their minds about men before they speak. A sampling of some 200 lousy lines that worked –
• “You must work for UPS. I could swear you were checking out my package.”
• “You’re ugly, but you intrigue me.”
• “Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. Go ahead. Say no.”
• [DISCRETION] “You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?”

THE BULL SHEET 10.02.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [54] Donna Karan (Faske), Forest Hills NY, fashion designer (DKNY line of clothing)

1951 [51] Sting (Gordon Sumner), Wallsend ENG, rock musician (“Brand New Day”, Police-“Every Breath You Take”)/founded the ‘Rainforest Foundation’ in 1989

1955 [47] Lorraine Bracco, Brooklyn NY, TV actress (Dr Jennifer Melfi, the shrink on “The Sopranos”)/ex-Mrs Edward James Olmos, ex-Mrs Harvey Keitel

1970 [32] Kelly Ripa, Stratford NJ, TV talk show co-host ( “Live With Regis & Kelly”)/TV soap actress (Hayley Vaughan Santos-”All My Children”, since 1990)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Name Your Car Day”. Polls show that about 15% of people have a pet name for their vehicle. What’s the strangest you’ve heard?

TODAY is “Custodial Workers Day”, honoring those who clean up after the rest of us. Nicer names for ‘Janitor’ — ‘Caretaker’, ‘Maintenance Coordinator’, ‘Sanitation Engineer’, ‘Cleanliness Resource Supervisor’.

TODAY is “World Farm Animals Day”, as declared by the ‘Farm Animal Reform Movement’, to memorialize the ‘needless suffering and death’ of billions of innocent farm animals each year. The date honors the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi, who was the world’s foremost champion of humane farming.

THIS MONTH is “National Pizza Month” and TODAY & tomorrow is the annual “Pizza Expo” industry trade show in Atlantic City NJ. At this year’s show, inventor Rich Errera will unveil his new ‘Gourmet Impression’ machine which embosses words on pizza crust. He’s hoping to sell it to big-time chains like Pizza Hut, which could not only advertise themselves but other products such as soft drinks or upcoming movies.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1866 [136]1st tin can with a ‘key opener’ (the ones that always break when the can’s half open)

1946 [56] 1st daytime TV ‘soap opera’ (“The Faraway Hill”-DuMont Network)

1950 [52] Charles Schultz’s comic strip “Peanuts” (originally titled “Li’l Folks”) debuts in 9 newspapers, introducing the characters ‘Charlie Brown’, ‘Snoopy’, ‘Patty’ & ‘Sherman’ (even though Schultz has died, “Peanuts Classics” are still published in over 2000 newspapers)

1961 [41] 1st ‘pre-moistened hand towel’ is introduced (what did new moms do before ‘wipes’?)

1991 [11] 1st team in sports history to draw 4 million fans in 1 season (Toronto Blue Jays, who also clinch AL East on this day)

1994 [08] 1st-ever clash of father vs son as NFL coaches (Miami coach Don Shula defeats son, Cincinnati coach David Shula, as Dolphins beat Bengals 23-7)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1997 [05] ‘World’s shortest man’, 22-inch-tall Gul Mohammed, dies at age 36 in New Delhi, India without achieving his dream of marrying a tall woman (like maybe even a 3-footer!)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Denim Day
[Fri] Toot Your Flute Day
[Sat] National Techies Day
[Sat] World Teacher’s Day
[Sun] Lawyers Day
This Week is – Canadian Stamp Month / Get Organized Week /  Pickled Pepper Week
This Month is – Popcorn Popping Month / Roller Skating Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HICCUP CURES:

• Stick your fingers in your ears.
• Blow on your thumb as if you were blowing up a balloon.
• Swallow some stale bread.
• Try to clap your hands at the moment BEFORE each hiccup occurs.
• Squat down and drink a glass of water between your legs with a straw.
• Chew on a vinegar-soaked sugar cube.
• Visualize a neon sign blinking on and off as quickly as possible.
• Gargle with water.
• Think of all the bald men you can.
• Squeeze the bridge of your nose.
• Pull your tongue.
• Massage right below your rib cage on both sides.
• Slide a well-greased length of thin, flexible rubber tubing through one nostril to the point where it just barely touches the back of the throat. (This is known as a ‘nasopharyngeal airway insertion’.)
Ask listeners for more home remedies!

BS TRIVIAL PURSUIT:
• Which province produces 25% of all Canadian farm products? [Ontario]
• What NHL ‘Russian Rocket’ crashed back to Earth when Anna Kournikova dumped him? [Pavel Bure]
• What Canadian venue enshrined the ‘Salt Lake Loonie’ in March, 2002? [The Hockey Hall of Fame]
• In which Canadian province is the most Jell-O consumed? [Alberta]
• In 1988, who predicted the world record he set in the 100-meter dash would last 100 years? [Ben Johnson]
Source for all: “Trivial Pursuit: 20th Anniversary Edition [Canadian Version]”

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
People are always in need of this. Others have more than enough of this to give. More often than not, the people who needs this the most never use it. What is it? [Good advice.]

WEB GOODIE:
Ontario residents can win a car just for stopping smoking for 1 month from October 15-November 15.
PHONER: 877-513-5333 (Canadian Cancer Society’s Smokers’ Helpline)
NET: http://www.quitsmokingontario.ca

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 9% of women asked say that they consider this a challenge.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Trying to ‘convert’ a gay man.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
I’m trying to get into shape. The shape I’ve selected is pear.


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