Tuesday, October 10, 2006        Edition: #3383
Get a Load of This Sheet!

“Entourage” star Jeremy Piven has had the Emmy he recently won mounted on the hood of his Range Rover – which also sports the vanity plate ‘PIV-WEELZ’ (my god, he’s actually turning into alter-ego ‘Ari Gold‘!) . . . The CW is developing a sitcom based on the lives of tiny irritating woman Kelly Ripa, her husband Mark Consuelos, and their 3 kids (apparently 2 TV shows – “Live With Regis & Kelly”, “Hope & Faith” – just aren’t enough for her) . . . Speaking of multiple shows, 75-year-old Montréal-born William Shatner (“Boston Legal”) has signed on to host the ABC-TV trivia game show “Show Me the Money” (now there’s a hot catchphrase – if you’re still living in 1996) . . . Kirkland Lake ON-born Allan Thicke is hosting the now-shooting reality show “The Singing Office” in which real-life office employees face-off in a singing competition and winners are sent to Hollywood to get formal training (to be aired on the ‘Annoyingly Worn-Out Premise Channel’) .  . . Despite the increasing visibility of “Stewart/Colbert ’08” T-shirts, “The Daily Show” host Jon Stewart says he has no intention of making a run for president (a comedian in the White House – what a great concept for a movie!) . . . Google is reportedly in talks to buy popular video-sharing website YouTube for $1.6 billion, but the “Wall Street Journal” says discussions are at a sensitive stage and the talks could break off at any time (the MySpace creators must be PO-ed – they only got $500 million to sell to News Corp) . . . And ‘Retired Spice’ Victoria Beckham and her new-mom/actress pal Katie Holmes have taken a gals-only shopping spree in Paris during the local “Fashion Week” (wait, is that an electronic monitoring bracelet we see on Katie’s ankle?).

• Amy Grant – TODAY she’s on “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Chingy/Tyrese – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC/A Channel).
Clay Aiken – “Rolling Stone” magazine has rated his new album “A Thousand Different Ways” a disappointing one-star. Quote: “Like flunking out of a junior college, making an album this soul-suckingly awful must have taken some hard work.” Ouch!
• Paul McCartney – He’s said to be livid that 2 American tourists managed to break into his English country estate, video-tape their little escapade and then post it on YouTube.
• Rod Stewart – TODAY his new album, “Still The Same … Great Rock Classics Of Our Time”, is out, featuring 61-year-old Rod’s covers of the likes of Bob Seger’s “Still The Same” and CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain”. Um, whose ‘Time’ are we speaking of here, Rod?
• Shakira – She continues to be one of the most generous performers in the biz, donating the entire proceeds from an upcoming show in Bogota to build an arts school for hundreds of kids who were forced to flee their homes during Colombia’s civil war.
• Sting – TODAY his new album “Songs From the Labyrinth” is released. His new upstairs neighbor in NYC is actor Robert De Niro, who paid $23 million for the former Upper West Side condo apartment of Miramax movie boss Harvey Weinstein. The 15-room property with stunning views of Central Park includes its own movie theater.
• Also released TODAY: Lloyd Banks’ “Rotten Apple”; Jimmy Buffett’s “Take the Weather With You”; Lloyd Cole’s “Antidepressant”; Ali Lohan’s “Lohan Holiday”; and Bette Midler’s “Cool Yule”.

• “A Prairie Home Companion” ( Dramedy ): Director Robert Altman & writer Garrison Keillor join forces to create a comic backstage fable about a fictitious radio variety show (based on Keillor’s long-running public radio program). The all-star cast includes Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Lindsay Lohan, Kevin Kline, Woody Harrelson, and Tommy Lee Jones.
• “Click” ( Comedy ): Adam Sandler plays a family man who stumbles upon a universal remote control that allows him to fast-forward through parts of his life. However, when the remote starts to override his choices, he longs to have his old life back. Co-stars Kate Beckinsale, Christopher Walken, and David Hasselhoff.
• “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties” ( Family Comedy ): The cartoon cat with ‘tude travels across the pond to Britain to surprise his master, ‘Jon Arbuckle’ (Breckin Meyer), who is in London to propose to his girlfriend ‘Liz’ (Jennifer Love Hewitt). There Garfield trades places with his mirror image, an aristocat who has inherited a fabulous castle. As in the 2004 original film, Bill Murray provides the voice of ‘Garfield’.
• “You, Me & Dupree” ( Comedy ):Kate Hudson & Matt Dillon play a newlywed couple whose relationship problems boil over when the groom’s unemployed best man (Owen Wilson) moves in with them and seems to have no intention of leaving. Co-stars Michael Douglas as the new bride’s father. This is the film set on which Owen Wilson & Kate Hudson found each other and eventually became a real-life couple.
• Also released TODAY: “Scrubs – The Complete 4th Season”; “Numb3rs – The Complete 2nd Season”.

The past week’s hottest-selling concert tickets …
5. Red Hot Chili Peppers
4. Aerosmith/Motley Crue
3. The Rolling Stones
2. Guns ‘N Roses
1. The Who
– “Pollstar”

Gamma Butyrolactone (GBL) is increasingly said to be the drug of choice for London, England’s narcotic connoisseurs. It produces a short, intense rush, heightens physical pleasure and is metabolized very quickly so it’s almost impossible for, say, narcs to detect. It does have one major side-effect – it induces a deep, unrousable sleep which can come on quite unexpectedly. (Like, perhaps, when you’re a super-famous pop star driving home from a night’s cruising and the traffic light turns red.)
– PopBitch.com

Animal control officers have been tearing apart a Toronto rooming house for almost 2 weeks in an attempt to find – a giant snake. Thought to be a python or cobra, it’s estimated to be about 7-feet-long and apparently travels through the walls of the building. Tenants have been evacuated and the building shut down since the critter was first discovered behind a refrigerator. Officials think it came from next door, where – neighbors say – a man connected to an exotic pet shop lives. So far, the big reptile has eluded searches, traps, heat lamps, and ceiling removals. Next move – fumigation. (Someone somewhere is already working on the movie script.)
– “Toronto Sun”

A Japanese company has created a bed for elderly or slightly disabled people which is deliberately uncomfortable in order to get them to get up out of bed in the morning. According to the company’s sales pitch, normal beds make people too comfortable causing them to spend too much time lying around which causes their muscles to degenerate even more and makes them permanently bedridden. (That’s why we make our company sleep on the fold-out couch with the metal bar poking out. It makes them more motivated … to leave.)
– “Nikkei Weekly Japan”

A car dealership in Ohio is re-thinking a planned advertising campaign after word leaked out about the ‘Jihad’-themed sales event including ‘Fatwa Fridays’ with free rubber swords for the kids. The Council on American-Islamic Relations calls the concept ‘reprehensible’, especially the idea of having sales reps wear traditional burqas. The council is offering to provide cultural and sensitivity awareness training. (During an all-inclusive one-week getaway to Afghanistan.)
– Reuters

University of Wyoming biologist Joan Smith-Sonneborn says many researchers believe that small doses of ‘stressors’ such as poisons, radiation and heat can actually be good for you. The effect, called ‘hormesis’, has been shown to extend longevity in yeast, fruit flies, worms and rodents. If the findings extend to people, it could stretch the average healthy human lifespan to 90 or beyond. (That’s great, but you’ll still have to wear diapers.)
– “Science”

Sociologists says the as-old-as-business phenomenon of ‘office romance’ may be on the verge of dying out due to a surge in the number of harassment cases. Nowadays, men are afraid that flirting with colleagues will be interpreted wrongly and lawsuits will be brought against them. This is also thought to be impacting women’s work lives, discouraging friendships and important social networking with males. UCLA researcher Kim Elsesser says the unintended consequence of harassment awareness is that women are suffering from men’s uncertainty on how to behave. (Alas, ‘Pam & ‘Jim’ may be the last of dying breed.)
– “GQ”

Retail stores in Auckland, New Zealand have begun putting their Christmas decorations and merchandise out – nearly 3 months ahead of the big day. That’s about 2 weeks earlier than last year, even though store managers admit customers aren’t particularly thrilled with the idea. Retailers say there is a domino effect: when one store puts up decorations, others quickly follow. One of this year’s season jumpers is the local K-Mart St Luke’s, which is already lined with Christmas trees and decorations. (When do YOU think is a realistic start date for the holiday season?)
– “New Zealand Herald”

Fingernails grow 4 times faster than toenails. The middle fingernail grows fastest; the thumb slowest.


1954 [52] David Lee Roth, Bloomington IN, classic rock singer (Van Halen-“Jump”)/failed radio broadcaster

1959 [47] Bradley Whitford, Madison WI, TV actor (‘Danny Tripp’ on “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” 2006-next week if the ratings don’t quit tanking, “The West Wing” 1999-2006)/married to TV actress Jane Kaczmarek (“Help Me Help You”)

1967 [39] Mike Malinin, Washington DC, rock musician (Goo Goo Dolls-“Better Days”, “Iris”)

1969 [37] Brett Favre, Kiln MS, NFL QB (Green Bay Packers since 1992)/1996 Super Bowl Champion/3-time NFL MVP

1972 [34] Dean Roland, Stockbridge GA, rock singer/guitarist (Collective Soul-“Better Now”, “Shine”)

1973 [33] Mario Lopez, San Diego Ca, TV personality (in the final 7 competitors on currently running “Dancing with the Stars”, “Saved By The Bell” 1989-94)/rumored to be seeing “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria

1974 [32] Dale Earnhardt Jr, Kannapolis NC, NASCAR racing driver/team owner (2004 “Daytona 500” winner, 2000 “Winston Cup” winner)/sometime movie actor (‘Junior’ in “Cars”, himself in “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”)/son of NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt (1951-2001)

1979 [27] Mya (Harrison), Washington DC, pop singer (“Fallen”, “My Love is Like … Whoa”)/movie actress (“Shall We Dance”, “Chicago”)

• “Angel Food Cake Day”, honoring the dessert every starving dieter touts as being ‘fat-free’ … and then inhales in its entirety.

• “Karva Chauth”, an observance by Hindu women who spend the day fasting and praying for the long life of their husbands.

1992 [14] HBO pays $20 million for the rights to broadcast Michael Jackson’s “Dangerous” concert from Bucharest, Romania

1886 [120] 1st appearance of a ‘Tuxedo’ as Griswold Lorillard wears a coat with satin lapels to a ball in Tuxedo Park NY

1933 [73] 1st packaged ‘Laundry Detergent’ (Procter & Gamble’s ‘Dreft’)

1966 [40] The floor game “Twister” is introduced by Milton Bradley (try the new ‘Hot Oil Edition’)

1976 [30] Greece’s 98-year-old Dimitrion Yordanidis becomes ‘Oldest Person to Complete a Marathon’ (he was even older when he finally finished 7 hours, 33 minutes later)

[Wed] Emergency Nurses Day
[Thurs] Farmers Day
[Thurs] World Egg Day
[Thurs] Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work Day
[Thurs] International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
[Fri] School Librarian Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
This Week Is … International Letter Writing Week
This Month Is … Kitchen & Bath Month


• When you plopped onto the couch your spouse flew through the window.
• You’ve been assigned a probation officer … by Weight Watchers.
• After dinner, your family sent you outside because you wouldn’t fit in the living room.
• You’re suffering from Dunlap’s Disease …  your gut has dunlapped over your belt.
• For the first time ever, there are no leftovers.
• A thermometer popped out your butt.
• They had to use the Jaws of Life to remove you from your chair.
• Your keyboard and mouse are just a tad outta reach this morning.
• You’re sweating gravy … and you’re farting feathers.

• “French Diet Secrets Revealed: Swallow Consonants, Feel Full All Day!”
• “Tornado in Texas Attributed to Malicious Butterflies in Brazil!
• “Earth Will Be a Wasteland in Just 5 Years, Scientists Warn!”
• “Archaeologists Discover Stone-Age X-Ray Scanner!”
• “Gym Poltergeist In Terrific Shape!”

• Whyzit there are road signs that say ‘Falling Rocks’? Is that in case we have boulder shields?
• Whyzit wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo?
• Whyzit when planets run around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy?
• Whyzit the actors in fast-food commercials are all skinny?
• Whyzit the healthiest food for you is always the most expensive?
• Whyzit men don’t have ‘tummies’.

You are an ‘eproctophiliac’. What is it that you have a fetish for?
a. Rubber underwear.
b. Sitting in wet cement.
c. Human flatulence. [CORRECT, usually female flatulence. Author James Joyce is said to be one who enjoyed the odd attraction.]

At a U2 concert in Dublin, Bono stops the show and asks the audience for quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. He says into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” A voice near the front pierces the silence: “Well, stop friggin’ clapping then!”

Today’s Question: Almost 100% of married couples who did THIS are happy they did. 51% of others wish they had.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Eloped.

Whoever rows the boat doesn’t have time to rock it.

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