Friday, April 23, 2004                Edition: #2774
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!  

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Actor Matthew McConaughey has been hit with an embarrassing problem while shooting the movie “Sahara” with Penelope Cruz in Morocco – a bad case of diarrhea that’s keeping him on the run every few minutes (“Okay Penelope, time to shoot the love scene … again”) . . . “Las Vegas” star James Caan says he’s still working at age 65 because he can’t afford to retire – thanks to 4 marriages & 5 children . . .  Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson have turned down a reported $1-million deal for their proposed book, “Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey’s Secrets for a Happy (and Sexy!) Marriage”, because – it’s just not enough (yeah, these two must be real experts after surviving marriage for an entire – year-and-a-half!) . . . A petition on the ‘Franciscan Friars of the Renewal’ Website has received over 8,000 hits encouraging Mel Gibson to make a movie about Saint Francis of Assisi (http://franciscanfriars.com) . . . A Queens NY man is demanding $100,000 from the producers of the movie “Romance & Cigarettes” (starring James Gandolfini) because they shot a cigarette smoking scene outside his home without his permission (he’ll never win – he reportedly turned down a $250 offer beforehand) . . . “Kill Bill: Volume 2″ star Daryl Hannah is a big proponent of ‘Grassolean’, an alternative fuel made from recycled cooking oil, on which she claims she gets 33 mpg in her truck . . . Retired sitcom king Jerry Seinfeld just took delivery of the very first Porsche Carerra GT in the USA, a $500,000 dream car with a waiting list 5-years-long . . . And one of those complaining loudest about CBS-TV showing photos of a dying Princess Di on “48 Hours” is her brother, Earl Charles Spencer, the sleazeball who makes a living by – charging people to see her grave.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “13 Going on 30″ (Comedy/PG-13): Jennifer Garner (“Alias”) stars as a gawky 13-year-old who makes a wish to become older and wakes up the next day to find herself a 30-year-old ad exec with a live-in boyfriend (Mark Ruffalo). A female version of 1988’s “Big”, the movie that made Tom Hanks a star.
• “Man on Fire” (Action Thriller/R): Denzel Washington plays a former Marine who swears vengeance on those who committed an unspeakable act against the family he was hired to protect in Mexico City. Singer Marc Anthony has a supporting role.
• “Clifford’s Really Big Movie” (Limited Release Animated Family/G): Worried that he costs too much to feed, ‘Clifford the Big Red Dog’ runs away to join a carnival, hoping to win a lifetime supply of ‘Tummy Yummies’. ‘Clifford’ is voiced by John Ritter in his final movie before he died. Other roles are voiced by Wayne Brady, Jenna Elfman & John Goodman.

BS AS ART:
Quirky Lodi CA ‘artist’ Karen Engelmann creates sculptures of birds from ‘hand-selected’ – horse poop. Branching out from ‘Turd Birds’, she’s now fashioned her first celebrity creations – fecal renderings of Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne, outfitted in leather and leopard-skin outfits. (Always thought their show was crap.)
NET: http://www.turdbirds.com

BUT DOES IT TALK BACK?
Engineers at ‘Beepcard’ in Santa Monica CA have developed a credit card that won’t work unless – it hears its owner’s voice. The card requires users to give a spoken password that it authenticates using a built-in voice-recognition chip. The prototype has a microphone, loudspeaker, battery and voice-recognition chip all crammed into the length and width of an ordinary credit card, but there’s still a bit of work to do – it’s about 3 times as thick. (It should also include laughter SFX when you try to exceed your limit.)
– ANI

GETTING RID OF OLD YELLER’S OLD SMELLER:
Here’s the invention you’ve all been waiting for – a diaper for dogs that reduces the potency of their farts. Frank Morosky of Flat-D Innovations in Cedar Rapids IA says his new product for flatulent Fidos is lined with charcoal to cut down on foul odor. He plans to market the doggy diapers for $20 a poop … er pop. (Geez, now who can we blame when we let one?)
– “Daily News”

NEW STORYLINE FOR “CSI”?
Transit employees in Edinburgh, Scotland are being issued DNA kits, complete with latex gloves, swabs and specimen bags in order to crack down on – spitting. It seems incidents of bus drivers being spat upon have been reported at least once per week. A similar program in Glasgow, Scotland has led to 25 rowdy commuters being charged with ‘assault by spitting’. (How about a ‘fiber evidence’ kit to nab that creep who keeps rubbing up against you in the subway?)
– “The Scotsman”

DREAM-TO-ORDER:
Japan’s Takara Co has developed a gadget designed to help you dream what you want to dream. Here’s how it works – you choose a fragrance and background music, then study an image of the subject you want to dream about and record a short audio description of the desired dream. During sleep, the ‘Yumemi Kuobuo’ (‘Dream Workshop’) periodically plays the music, releases the fragrance, and repeats the recorded phrase during REM (Rapid Eye Movement), the sleep cycle when we dream. So far, it’s only been tested on company employees.
– “Chicago Tribune”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A Malaysian couple caught by law enforcement officers holding hands in a public park has been taken to court and charged with – ‘indecent behavior’.
• A 43-year-old Albuquerque NM high school librarian decided her daughter deserved a kegger for her 16th birthday and all hell broke loose – guns shot in the air and one teen taken to hospital for alcohol poisoning. Thanks to her dumb idea, the poor woman’s been charged for ‘contributing to the delinquency of a minor’, forced to take leave from her job and – evicted from her mobile home.
• A 29-year-old Leicester UK man has been found guilty of possession of 558 Kamagra pills, a variation of Viagra, for the purpose of trafficking even though he claimed they were all for personal use. A judge let him off with probation and the instruction, “Can you extend our sympathy to whoever his partner is.”

FOR THE RECORD:
THIS WEEK 41-year-old Eric Scott of Dallas TX, known as the ‘Rocketman’, shot 46 meters (150 feet) into the sky over London UK, the highest human elevation ever achieved using a strap-on ‘Rocketbelt’ or jet belt. The record flight lasted just 26 seconds.

BS AMAZING FACT:
A kiss can burn 26 calories in 1 minute.

THE BULL SHEET 04.23.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [50] Michael Moore, Flint MI, movie director (2003 Oscar-“ Bowling for Columbine”, “Roger & Me”)/author (“Dude Where’s My Country?”, “Stupid White Men”)  UP NEXT: His new documentary “Fahrenheit 9/11″ premieres NEXT MONTH at the “Cannes Film Festival”.

1961 [43] George Lopez, Mission Hills CA, TV producer/writer/sitcom actor (“George Lopez” since 2002)/standup comedian (“Team Leader”)

1967 [37] Rheal Cormier, Moncton NB, MLB pitcher (Philadelphia Phillies)

1977 [27] Andruw Jones, Willemstad, Curacao, $12.5-million-a-year MLB outfielder (Atlanta Braves)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [70] Shirley MacLaine (Beaty), Richmond VA, movie actress (Oscar-“Terms of Endearment”)/Warren Beatty’s big sister  UP NEXT: She’ll play ‘Endora’ in the bigscreen version of vintage TV sitcom “Bewitched”, coming in 2005.

1940 [64] Sue Grafton, Louisville KY, top-selling mystery novelist who’s published in 28 countries and 26 languages (her fictional detective ‘Kinsey Millhone’ has appeared in alphabetical best-sellers all the way from “A is for Alibi” to “Q is for Quarry” – so far)  COMING UP: “R is for Ricochet” comes out in JULY.

1942 [62] Barbra Streisand, Brooklyn NY, movie actress (Oscar-“Funny Girl”)/movie director (“The Prince of Tides”)/pop singer (“Tell Him”)/only person to receive Oscar (for both acting &   songwriting), Tony, Emmy, Grammy, Golden Globe, CableACE & Peabody Awards/Mrs James Brolin  FACTOID: She & Shirley MacLaine have celebrated their joint birthday together for years.

1964 [40] Cedric the Entertainer (Cedric Kyles), Jefferson City MO, movie actor (“Johnson Family Vacation”, “Barbershop 1 & 2″)/comedian/TV actor (“Cedric the Entertainer Presents”)

1982 [22] Kelly Clarkson, Burleson TX, 1st “American Idol” winner/pop singer (“Low”, “Miss Independent”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the anniversary of both William Shakespeare’s birth and his death (1564-1616), the bard of Stratford-on-Avon ENG who composed 37 plays and 154 sonnets. For sooth! The annual “Bard’s Birthday Celebration” will be held in many locations around-the-world, including the home of Canada’s annual “Shakespearean Festival”, Stratford ON.

TODAY is “Spring Cat Cleaning Day”, a day to give your cat a bath. Be careful!

TODAY is “National Plumbers Day”. Let’s all do the plumber’s salute – drop your pants 2 inches!

TOMORROW is “World Lab Animal Day”, the highlight of “World Week For Laboratory Animals”, on behalf of the – quote – ‘billions of animals who are burnt, sliced, crushed, electrocuted, gassed, poisoned with toxic chemicals, psychologically tormented, and killed each year in laboratories around the world.’ (As opposed to those we just eat.)
PHONER: 323.993.5720 (Foundation for Animal Liberation, LA CA)
PHONER: 310.271.6096 (Last Chance for Animals, Beverly Hills CA)

TOMORROW is “Astronomy Day”, a grass roots movement to share the joy of astronomy with the general population.
PHONER: 616.784.9518 (Gary Tomlinson, Comstock Park MI)
NET: http://www.astroleague.org/al/astroday/astroday.html

THIS WEEKEND “TV Turn Off Week”, when we’re encouraged to turn off the tube and pursue alternative activities, winds up SUNDAY. Based on AC Nielsen figures, by age 65 the average person spends nearly 9 years glued to the tube and watches about 2 million TV commercials.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1896 [108] 1st ‘motion picture’ shown to general public (Vitascope system used to project a film onto a screen in a demonstration at Koster & Bials Music Hall in NYC)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1956 [48] Elvis Presley 1st appearance in Las Vegas (audiences are unimpressed and the 2-week engagement is cancelled after a single week)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1964 [40] 1st MLB no-hitter pitched for a loss (Cincinnati Reds beat Astros’ pitcher Ken Johnson 1-0 on 2 costly Houston errors)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1969 [35] John Sinclair completes record walk of 215 miles in 48 hours – non-stop!

1996 [08] NHL single-game record crowd of 28,183 watches Philadelphia beat Tampa

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Revenue Canada filing deadline
[Sun] Anzac Day (Australia/NZ)
[Sun] Hug an Australian Day
[Sun] Bird Day
[Mon] St George’s Day holiday (NL)
[Mon] National Pretzel Day
[Tues] Hairball Awareness Day
[Tues] Sense of Smell Day
This Week Is . . . Police Week / Week of the Ocean
This Month Is . . . Sports Eye Safety Month / Stress Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
12 THINGS MEN REALLY FIND ROMANTIC:
• Dress up for him.
• Touch him all over, all the time.
• Give him a night out with the boys — no strings attached.
• Show up at his office.
• Tell him what a big, strong guy he is.
• Engineer a break-the-routine date.
• Make sex with him an event.
• Score him a pair of tickets to the big game.
• Show interest in his outside life.
• Tell him a secret.
• Slow down dinner.
• Do a sexy little bump-and-grind striptease.
– “Redbook”

BS WEB GOODIE:
The old formula for calculating a dog’s age – multiplying its human years by 7 – is a rough estimate at best. This Website makes a more accurate calculation that factors in diet, lifestyle, medical history, breed, and body weight. Try figuring out your co-host’s age in ‘dog years’.
NET: http://www.dogage.com (click on Dog Age Test)

BS BLATANT JOKE:
 A blind man is telling his friend about how he’s able to sky-dive.
“The parachute is packed and put on me,” he explains. “Then I’m positioned at the door, and the pilot tells me when to jump.”
“But how do you know when you’re gonna land?” asks his friend.
“Simple,” replies the blind man. “The dog’s leash goes slack.”

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent study, THIS is one of the dirtiest things you’ll find in a hotel room.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The TV remote.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Anything is impossible … if you don’t attempt it.