Monday, April 28, 2003 Edition: #2528
Avoid Sheet Fits – Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• Here’s the week’s ‘breaking stories’, according to “Weekly World News” – “Busted Time Traveler Skips Bail!”, “Satan’s Face Seen Over Iraq!”, and – who woulda thought? – “Kim Jong Il Is a Woman!”.
• “PeopleNews” reports the upcoming TV documentary “Behind The Behind” will reveal that Jennifer Lopez isn’t really “Jenny From The Block” after all. The exposé claims she grew up in a chic suburb, not the mean streets of the Bronx, and even went to a private school. (Let the lawsuits begin!)
• Meantime, Britain’s “Daily Record” reports that “Austin Powers” star Mike Myers is determined to sign J-Lo to co-star in the 4th installment of the movie franchise (unbelievable! Not that he’d want her in a movie, that he’s considering making another lame “Austin Powers” flick!). The tab also reports J-Lo has thrown out all of fiancee Ben Affleck’s Whitney Houston albums, further enhancing her ‘control-freak’ reputation.
• TONIGHT’s Elton John/Billy Joel concert in Toronto has been canceled. Online tabloid “Ananova” reports that it was Elton John who pulled the plug due to SARS fears. “E! Online” says “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson has also scrapped a scheduled concert and “Daily Dish” reports actors Colin Farrell & Robin Wright Penn have been holed up in their Toronto hotel rooms throughout the SARS scare.
• “Sunday Mirror” reports that Liv Tyler got hitched to her husband for a 2nd time SATURDAY. The 25-year-old “Lord of the Rings” actress, who wed Space Hogs singer Royston Langdon in a secret ceremony in the Caribbean earlier THIS MONTH, repeated vows in front of friends and family in NYC, then held a reception at trendy restaurant Balthazar for guests that included her pop Steve Tyler, David Bowie & designer Stella McCartney.
• 66-year-old “Will & Grace” actress Shelley Morrison has been busted for shoplifting at a West Los Angeles department store. “The Smoking Gun” says Morrison, who plays the wisecracking maid ‘Rosario’ on the sitcom, was later released on $20,000 bail and will appear in court MAY 14. (She hopes the bust will help her career as much as Winona’s.)
• “Hollywood Reporter” says ESPN is developing a primetime reality series called “Dream Job” that will invite aspiring sportscasters to submit audition tapes for consideration in an “American Idol”-style competition. The winner gets a 1-year gig on “SportsCenter”. (At last, a way to get rid of [your sportscaster]!]
• And because we really need to know, the “Nation” informs us that Angelina Jolie has a new black tattoo on her back that consists of 5 vertical rows of ancient Cambodian script designed to ward off bad luck. (What’s she worried about? She already dumped Billy Bob!)
5% MILK:
China has started full-scale production of beer made from – milk. The new product is a result of milk fermentation that uses modern high technologies. The ‘milk beer’ has several unique characteristics: low alcoholic content, rich froth and all the vitamin content of sour milk products. (And due to all the dairy fat, you don’t just ‘rent’ it like regular beer.)
IT AIN’T THE HANDSET, DUMMY:
According to a recent poll, about 75% of drivers on the road these days use cell phones while driving even though a study in the “New England Journal of Medicine” shows that cell phone use quadruples your odds of an accident – almost the same risk as driving drunk. Some are turning to hands-free devices because they think they’re safer, but a new University of Utah study finds that while they may make a driver FEEL safer, hands-free cell phones do not translate into added safety at all. Utah researchers are about to launch another study to determine why talking to a passenger is less distraction to a driver than a cell phone.
GETTING UP:
“Daily Telegraph” reports that mountaineers on a new Mt Everest expedition are taking the impotence drug Viagra, which scientists believe will relieve high-altitude lung problems and avoid dangerous strain on their hearts. (It will also diminish the need for a walking stick.)
SNIFFING THE ‘BIG C’:
Cambridge University researchers are hoping to train German Shepherds and Labradors to sniff out – prostate cancer. It is thought that dogs can detect the odor of urine from men with malignant prostate tumors. If successful, the simple method of screening could be used on a routine basis for men, potentially saving many lives. (They always have their noses in your crotch anyway – might as well be doing something useful.)
FOR THE RECORD:
A pair of British climbers are claiming a world record for high-altitude ironing, after they pressed their national flag 17,800 ft up Mount Everest. (This is the only way to get a guy to iron – make it a world record attempt.)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• There are more lakes in Canada than in all the other countries in the world combined.
Source: “Focus”
• Studies show that women who wear no makeup and women who wear too much makeup are paid less in the workplace. Women who have tastefully applied makeup earn more.
THE BULL SHEET 04.28.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [66 if he’s alive] Saddam Hussein (al-Tikriti), Tikrit IRAQ, President of Iraq 1979-2003/ace of spades in Iraqi poker
1941 [62] Ann-Margret (Olsson), Valsjobyn SWE, movie actress (“Any Given Sunday”, “Grumpy [Grumpier] Old Men”)
1950 [53] Jay Leno, New Rochelle NY, late night TV host (“The Tonight Show” since 1992) for which he’s now reportedly paid $20 million/year
1966 [37] “Long” John Daly, Carmichael CA, long-driving pro golfer/admitted alcoholic FACTOID: Will play in this year’s “Canadian Skins Game” at Royal Niagara GC JUNE 22-24.
1974 [29] Penelope Cruz (Sanchez), Madrid SPA, movie actress (“Vanilla Sky”)/Tom Cruise’s escort UP NEXT: Co-stars in the Bob Dylan movie “Marked & Anonymous” opening JULY 25, and is now shooting the horror thriller “Gothika” with Halle Berry in Montréal, due OCTOBER 24.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Great Poetry Reading Day”, a day to read great poetry as a means of better understanding the world. Take the lyrics to any hit song and look for the most outrageous attempts at rhyming.
NET: http://lyrics.com
TODAY is “Kiss Your Mate Day”, a day to share the pleasure of a kiss – when he or she least expects it. Did you know your kissing partner’s saliva can remain in your mouth for up to 3 days? Yech!
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1968 [35] Rock musical “Hair” opens on Broadway
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1914 [89] 1st ‘air conditioner’ patented (WH Carrier)
1987 [16] 1st CD released before its vinyl record counterpart (“The Art of Excellence” by Tony Bennett)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Yom Hashoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day)
[Tues] Zipper Day
[Tues] National Puppetry Day
[Wed] Canadian Income Tax deadline / National Honesty Day (coincidence?)
[Wed] Hairstylist Appreciation Day
[Wed] National Spank Out Day
[Wed] International Noise Awareness Day
[Thurs] May Day
[May 11] Mother’s Day
[May 19] Victoria Day
This Week Is . . . Teacher Appreciation Week
This Month Is . . . National Welding Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Surveys show that 1 in 25 college co-eds now take it all off to help pay their tuition, and the number of married women dancing in North American strip clubs is estimated to be close to 10 million – many without their husbands’ knowledge. So as a public service, here’s some BS …
TELLTALE SIGNS YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND’S A SECRET STRIPPER:
• Coarse Language – If your lady starts cussing like a sailor, it’s a good bet she picked up the bad habit from her ‘colleagues’ backstage.
• Oddly Immodest – In the past, she never even undressed in front of the dog but now she waltzes by the window nude without a second thought. If she used to complain about how ‘uncomfortable’ she felt in thongs but suddenly has an undies drawer chock full of them, she may now be used to wearing a G-string hours at a time.
• Overly Flirtatious with Your Pals – You may spot her perched on a buddy’s lap at a party, making small talk. This could be a position she’s grown very comfortable with.
• Suddenly Has Money For Little Extras – She starts showing up with fancy earrings, designer shoes and other items you didn’t pay for. She always has plenty of folding money on hand and when she gets change back at the supermarket, she may reflexively tuck it in the band of her underwear.
• Won’t Tell You Where She Works – Says she has a ‘great new part-time job working as a cocktail waitress’, but won’t tell you where.
• Vampish Walk – A once-awkward, wholesome, girl-next-door type who now swivels her hips in an exaggerated manner and has no trouble strutting about in 6-inch heels fits the profile of a stripper. (Gee, ya think?)
Source: Condensed from “Weekly World News”.
TOP INTERNET SEARCH TERMS:
1. SARS
2. “American Idol”
3. 50 Cent
Source: “Buzz Index”
BS FACT OR CRAP?
One of the following statements is total BS, but which one?
1. Men lose about 40 hairs a day. Women lose about 70 hairs a day.
2. Unless food is mixed with saliva you cannot taste it.
3. On average, hiccups lasts 35 minutes. (BS. More like 5 minutes.)
BS HOUSEHOLD HINT:
Remember, common baking soda removes pet odors – but not if they’ve been dead too long.
BS WEB GOODIE:
You can search the Payphone Project’s database of a half-million pay phone numbers in locations around-the-world. A cool source for on-the-spot reports from unsuspecting people passing by.
http://www.payphone-project.com
BS ANIMALIA:
Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard and a lion?
A: A ‘leopon’ (and a lot of scratches.)
Q: What is the main food of mosquitoes?
A: Nope, not your blood. It’s nectar from flowers. Female mosquitoes only hunt blood when they need protein to help them lay eggs.
Q: Which are there more of – Canada geese or Canadians?
A: While it might seem they outnumber us in public parks, the worldwide Canada goose population is 4.8 million, according to figures from the Federation of Ontario Naturalists.
Q: What is the only pouched animal found in North America and the only one NOT found in Australia?
A: The opossum.
Q: In downtown Lima, Peru there is a brass statue of what animal?
A: ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’.
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• New figures show that over 70% of Canadians do NOT have a regular exercise program. The kid I hired to bring the newspaper into the house for me was shocked!
• In Malaysia, a wedding ceremony was held for a pair of elephants. They say that elephants never forget their anniversary.
• TONIGHT that reality show “Mr Personality” is on again. Do you think maybe the bachelors are all wearing masks because they’re embarrassed to be on the same show as Monica Lewinsky?
• More than 4,000 military personnel from across Canada are in the middle of a 6-week, $35-million training exercise in rural Alberta. The Canadian Armed Forces say that so far it’s been a real success – only half the troops have been sent home due to busted equipment.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In a recent poll, 60% of women say THIS is what they are looking for in a man.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A guy who will kiss in public.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The best time to buy anything is last year.
