Wednesday, April 9, 2003        Edition: #2515
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT 18-year-old pop phenom Avril Lavigne launches the ”Try To Shut Me Up” tour (her 1st) at Toronto’s Air Canada Centre . . . TONIGHT the 100th episode of “South Park” airs (recently renewed through at least 2005) . . . TONIGHT Willie Nelson is throwing a public concert in NYC for his 70th birthday (APRIL 30), with Ray Charles, Eric Clapton, Sheryl Crow, John Mellencamp & Norah Jones expected to perform (“Willie Nelson and Friends: Live & Kickin” will be taped for broadcast MAY 26) . . . “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling is getting tough on leaks of the plot of her next book, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”, demanding bookstores sign a contract to keep it boxed and promise not to read it until the JUNE 21 release date . . . London’s Barbican Theatre has banned people under 18 from its updated production of “Macbeth” that’s full of violence and sex – including a lap dance by ‘Lady Macbeth’ for ‘Duncan’! . . . Britney Spears’ former NYC restaurant, NYLA, has filed for bankruptcy and owes $400,000 to creditors . . . Word is Michael Jackson is looking to get rid of Neverland Ranch and the price tag is a cool $20 million (exiting the scene of the crime?) . . . Actress Reese Witherspoon & actor hubby Ryan Phillippe are moving to the UK while she shoots the period drama, “Vanity Fair”, THIS SUMMER, and may stay on afterwards because she reportedly thinks London may be better for their troubled marriage . . . An online casino says Matt and Jenna are the betting favorites to win “Survivor: The Amazon”, with Rob coming in 3rd . . . And the on-again/off-again relationship between Beyonce Knowles & Jay Z is reportedly now permanently split, thanks to her dating rapper 50 Cent (aka Curtis Jackson).

NEW JARGON FOR ‘03:
• ‘Striping’ – A new fad whereby homeowners mow their lawns in patterns similar to Major League Baseball parks. Checkerboard, plaid and diamond patterns are said to be popular. Lawnmower maker Simplicity Manufacturing has put out a new brochure showing how to do it.
• ‘Reverbiagized’ – To reword a concept or proposal with the hope of changing the minds of the people who didn’t like it the first time around. (“It’s the same ad campaign, but we reverbiagized it.”)
• ‘Hand Me Ups’ – Clothes mothers borrow from their teenage daughters.
• ‘LOK’ – Acronym for ‘Lack Of Knowledge’. (“No point in asking anyone in sales. We’re having LOK problems down there again.”)

OFFICE STRESSORS:
New research from the Institute of Management suggests that the pressure of keeping up with e-mail messages is now one of the top 10 causes of workplace stress, ranking higher than ‘having a bad relationship with the boss’, ‘dealing with customer complaints’ and ‘lack of influence in the company’. Office e-mail also contributes to the top 2 sources of workplace stress – ‘constant interruptions’ and ‘the need to meet deadlines’.

FAT FARM TEAM:
Thanks in part to his controversial biography “Perfect I’m Not: Boomer On Beer, Brawls, Backaches & Baseball”, NY Yankee pitcher David ‘Boomer’ Wells is one of 2003’s inductees to the online ‘Heavyweight Hall Of Fame’, along with late comic actor John Candy, wrestler Andre the Giant, and late entertainer Jackie Gleason. They’ll be joining the likes of actors John Goodman, Drew Carey, Kevin James, and former “Gilligan’s Island” skipper Alan Hale Jr.
NET: http://briansbelly.com/halloffame

MEN IN TIGHTS:
One item that both male and female American military personnel in Iraq are asking for may surprise you – pantyhose. “Chicago Tribune” reports that’s because they help protect troops from pesky sand fleas. Women’s pantyhose work well enough, but several companies are now making a version especially for men – with a fly opening.

STRIPPING ON THE STRIP:
Forget the family image, Las Vegas honcho Steve Wynn is building the Strip’s newest casino called Le Reve to compete with local strip clubs. Why? It seems Sin City strip joints are siphoning off big-time cash that could be better thrown away in casinos. In order to entice big money marks to Le Reve, guests will be offered – quote – ‘alternatives that will satisfy their desires’. (Lap craps, anyone?)

FRIED BLUE TOMATOES:
For those of you unable to choose between red, green and purple, HJ Heinz Co is now offering ketchup in – blue! THIS WEEK Heinz E-Z Squirt ‘Stellar Blue’ was unveiled, just in time for summer hot dogs (ewwww!).

CORE HEALTH:
An apple a day not only keeps the doctor away – it also helps you breathe better. A 5-year study of over 2,500 volunteers by St George’s Medical School in London finds that those who ate 5 or more apples a week developed larger lung capacity. Early results suggested that a diet rich in citrus fruits, apples and fruit juices as well as vitamin C, A and E improved the capacity of the lungs. But when results were adjusted for other factors, apples turned out to be the main factor. (Your lungs get bigger from all that running to the john.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Resting humans give off as much heat as a 150 watt light bulb. (But they’re really hard to read by.)

THE BULL SHEET 04.09.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [77] Hugh Hefner, Chicago IL, “Playboy” magazine founder/his son Marston (with estranged spouse Kimberly Conrad) turns 12 TODAY  FACTOID: Appropriately, Hef has a species of rabbit named in his honor – ‘sylvilagus palustris hefneri’.

1954 [49] Dennis Quaid, Houston TX, movie actor (“The Rookie”, “Traffic”)/ex-Mr Meg Ryan/brother of actor Randy Quaid  UP NEXT: Plays Sam Houston in the Western adventure “The Alamo”, opening DECEMBER 25.

1966 [37] Cynthia Nixon, NYC, TV actress (Miranda Hobbes-“Sex and the City” since 1998)

1971 [32] Jacques Villeneuve, Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu QC, race car driver (1997 Formula One Champion, 1995 Indianapolis 500 winner)/son of late Formula One driver Gilles Villeneuve

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Chicken Little Awareness Day”. Look up. Look waaay up. What d’ya see?

TODAY is “Name Yourself Day”, a day for anybody with a name they hate to tag themselves with a brand new label. Have people with weird names call in, then help re-name them using  the perfect tool – the Internet ‘Random Name Generator’. It kicks out lists of male or female names from actual census polls. You can even set the ‘obscurity factor’.
NET: http://www.kleimo.com/random/name.cfm

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2002 Elaborate funeral in London for Britain’s Queen Mother, who passed away at 101

ALSO ON THIS DAY . . .
1999 [04] “Millennium Baby Day”, the day on which couples needed to conceive a ‘Y2K baby’ to be born on January 1, 2000 (find one locally – ‘millennium babies’ are old enough to talk on the phone now!)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1912 [91] 1st baseball game at Boston’s legendary Fenway Park (Red Sox beat Harvard 2-0)

1914 [89] 1st ‘color film’ opens, in London ENG (“The World, The Flesh & the Devil”)

1945 [58] NFL 1st makes socks mandatory for all players (and the next season … pants)

1965 [38] 1st ‘indoor baseball game’ (Houston Astrodome)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981 [22] ‘Longest-ever scientific word’ published in the journal “Nature” (207,000 letters)

1992 [11] ‘Heaviest chocolate Easter egg’ weighs 10,483 lbs, measures over 23′ high (Ringwood, Australia)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Siblings Day (call your brother/sister on-the-air … then argue with them)
[Thurs] Salvation Army Founders Day (give away a shopping spree at the Sally Ann!)
[Thurs] Masters Golf tournament begins (Augusta GA)
[Fri] “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” DVD release
[Sat] “Soap Opera Digest Awards”
[Sat] 16th “Kids Choice Awards”
[Sun] Palm Sunday
This Week Is . . . Building Safety Week / National Garden Week
This Month Is . . . Youth Sports Safety Month / Sports Eye Safety Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS EXCUSES FOR LOSING MOBILE PHONES:
10. Phone ‘drowned’ during fishing accident.
9. Prank in which phone owner was thrown into water
8. Sailing accident.
7. Dropped down drain.
6. Phone run over after falling on road.
5. Construction site accident.
4. Dropped down toilet.
3. Dropped on hard surface.
2. Left on car roof before driving off.
1. Left on public transit.
Source: Survey of actual insurance claims.

BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention!
• Taurus – You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant while you are walking by today. Don’t worry, that’s normal.
• Gemini – You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren’t enough people with Tourette’s Syndrome available to hire.
• Cancer – Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
• Leo – Remember to keep your chakras clear and carry some Immodium.
• Virgo – Be nice to yourself this week. Buy yourself some flowers or a gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
• Libra – A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft today … again.
• Scorpio – Today is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small  though … try to be sort of a ‘loan piranha’ first.
• Sagittarius – Today people will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don’t mind them though … they’re undoubtedly just jealous.
• Capricorn – Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
• Aquarius – It’s an itchy nose day again today. Just be glad you don’t have to wear a space suit!
• Pisces – Leo is in your first house. Unfortunately, he has a search warrant.

SICK ACTING AWARDS:
Ask listeners to call in explaining why they can’t make it to work in their best “I’m too sick to come in” voices. Rate the excuses from 1-10 for ‘Originality’ and ‘Performance’.

BS ‘CHICKEN & EGG GAME’:
Which came first?
• The used car dealer or lemonade? [Lemonade goes way back – it was a favorite of Chinese Emperors. 1st used car dealer didn’t come along until the Motor Car Co of London in 1897.]
• The inch or the centimetre? [The inch was first described by the Romans to mean one-twelfth of the length of a human foot. In 1305, King Edward I decreed that an inch should be the measure of 3 dried barleycorns. The metric system wasn’t developed until 1795 in France.]
• The skyscraper or Spider-Man? [1st skyscraper – Chicago’s 10-story Home Insurance Co Building, completed in 1885. 1st “Spider-Man” comic published by Marvel in 1962.]
• The match or the cigarette lighter? [Surprisingly, it’s the cigarette lighter, invented in 1816 by a German chemist. The friction match didn’t arrive until 1827.]
• Alka-Seltzer or the restaurant? [1st place known as a ‘restaurant’ was the Champ d’Oiseau, which opened in Paris in 1765. Alka-Seltzer wasn’t marketed until 1931.]

BS BLATANT JOKE:
I discovered something interesting the other day. If you stand in the middle of the library and shout, “Agggghhhhhh!!!!!”, people just glare at you. Do the same thing on a plane and everybody joins in!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Men can be so shallow. 40% say they would remember THIS better if it came from an attractive woman.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A TV news story.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
One disadvantage of having nothing to do – you can’t stop and rest.