Thursday, April 25, 2002        Edition: #2283
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. — WC Fields

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Michael Douglas guest-stars on “Will & Grace” as a gay police detective (he’s secure in his manhood — and has the trophy wife to prove it!) . . . Actress Rachel Weisz (“The Mummy Returns”) has joined Halle Berry as the new face of Revlon cosmetics, signing a 2-year deal to do print and TV ads . . . The new Hollywood fashion accessory seems to be owning your own restaurant as Jennifer Aniston is set to launch her own chain just a week after J-Lo opened Madre’s in Pasadena CA . . . Madonna is suing Boy George for making fun of her with a spoof version of her hit “Vogue” in his musical “Taboo”, now showing in London’s West End (she no longer has any sense of humor) . . . 7′-2″ wrestler The Big Show says he’s faced Hulk Hogan, The Undertaker and The Rock but coming face-to-face with Anne Robinson during the WWF celeb edition of “The Weakest Link” was the scariest – Quote: “She’s one tough cookie!” . . . Word is NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr is nicknamed ‘12 Pack’ because he and pals do some serious beer drinking several times weekly when he’ll easily down a dozen at a sitting (no wonder, he’s sponsored by Budweiser) . . . ‘President Jed Bartlet’s’ opponent in his “West Wing” re-election bid NEXT SEASON will be a Republican Governor from Florida named ‘Robert Ritchie’ who has yet to be cast, but insiders say the role sure seems to resemble a guy nicknamed ‘Dubya’ . . .  And in case you thought TV had run out of lame ideas — a new reality series called “Ultimate Dodgeball” is now being shopped to various networks and yup, it’s based on the kiddies’ playground game.

FUTURE FILMS:
A bigscreen version of the classic TV cop series “Hawaii Five-O” is in the works (who should get the Jack Lord role?) . . . Dylan McDermott will spend his hiatus from TV’s “The Practice” playing nightclub impresario Peter Gatien in “Party Monster”, the true story of party promoter and convicted murderer Michael Alig (played by Macaulay Culkin) . . . CBS is making a TV movie called “The Great One”, the life story of TV comedian Jackie Gleason (“The Honeymooners”) with “Full Monty” actor Mark Addy in the title role (oh, it’s not about Wayne Gretzky?) . . . And picture this — Billy Bob Thornton is set to play the lead role in the comedy “Bad Santa”, a Christmas comedy coming in 2003.

A BOUQUET OF CHIPS:
Austrian physicist Peter Schwarzhans has invented what he claims to be the world’s first totally fat-free potato chip. His patented process involves drying chips in heated air instead of frying them in oil. Oh, and one other thing – they’re not made from potatoes at all, but sunflowers! He says the resulting product is something that looks like potato chips, tastes like them and lasts just as long. Several manufacturers are currently bidding for the rights.

HOT RADIO:
“New Scientist” reports Ohio inventor Ruben Jones has developed an electric iron that features a built-in radio and telescopic aerial — so you can be entertained while doing one of the most boring of all household chores. (This is only slightly better than my invention combining an iron with a telephone.)

FROM THE PARTS DEPT:
A new survey by cosmetics company Garnier finds that women are obsessed with their body shape and figure. The poll shows that 20% think about their body 10 times a day, and 7% actually obsess about it 50 times or more! The tummy is the least favorite body part — half of respondents saying they’d like a flatter, firmer midriff. As to their favorite part — about a quarter say their breasts are best, while 17% pick their legs.

NEW HOPE FOR SINGLE MOMS:
According to a recent online survey, single men are very open to dating single moms with
children. In a recent Match.com poll, 41% of the more than 3,500 single men responded ‘yes’ to the question ‘Do single moms make better matches?’ Why? Many cited their patience and
compassion as a big plus. (Not to dampen your hopes, but most single guys would date a tree trunk — if it had boobs.)

GLASS HOUSE:
Philips Electronics Corp has opened a ‘HomeLab’ in Eindhoven, Holland to test new technologies on people in an everyday environment. The house is filled with hidden cameras, microphones and one-way mirrors linked to observation rooms where researchers will be able to follow the occupants 24/7 to get a better idea of their needs and motivations. (MTV has a similar experiment – “The Osbournes”.)

SON OF A TOP GUN UNLIKELY:
A new study show that men who are exposed to a lot of toxic chemicals, high heat, or unusual pressures (jet pilots, deep-sea divers) are more prone to father girls than boys.

THE BRITISH EROSION:
THIS WEEK, for the first time in almost 40 years, there is not ONE SINGLE BRITISH HIT on “Billboard’s” Hot 100 chart. (While Kylie Minogue lives in the UK, she’s actually an Aussie.)

HARD DRINKERS AREN’T:
According to THIS MONTH’S issue of “Men’s Health” magazine, after 4 drinks the average man can’t perform sexually. (Women already knew this. Well, not the 4 drinks part.)

COMPUTER FASHION:
Nearly half of respondents in a new Intel survey of adult Internet users admit to using their computers while in their underwear or totally naked. 81% use their laptops in front of the TV, 60% in bed, and 54% while eating. Some even claim they’ve used a computer while in the shower or getting a massage.

BIGGER BUTT TAX:
A pair of MIT economists has written a research paper that claims cigarette taxes make smokers happy. Jonathan Gruber and Sendhil Mullainathan say that since most smokers really want to quit, higher taxes impose on them the self-control they seek. (Well hell yeah, and you know, high income tax has helped me avoid becoming the ostentatious lavish spender I abhor also.)

THE CLONES ARE COMING:
YESTERDAY Italian fertility specialist Severino Antinori, who has pledged to create the world’s first human clone, told Italy’s state television that 3 cloned pregnancies exist in the world at the moment, 2 of them in Russia, the other in an unnamed Islamic state. They are all 6 to 9 weeks along, he claims. (So let’s see, according to my calculations we’re looking for the first human clone to be born around the end of NOVEMBER. Time to start a pool!)

BS AMAZING FACT:
The typical American teenager spends an average of $104 a week, reports Knight Ridder News.

THE BULL SHEET 04.25.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [62] Al Pacino, South Bronx NY, 5′-6″ movie actor with 8 Oscar nominations but only 1 win (“Scent of a Woman”)  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Robin Williams in the crime thriller “Insomnia”, opening MAY 24

1945 [57] Bjorn Ulvaeus, Gothenburg SWE, really rich retired pop singer (ABBA-“Waterloo”, “Dancing Queen”) enjoying a revival thanks to the stage musical “Mama Mia”

1964 [38] Hank Azaria, Queens NY, cartoon voicist (“The Simpsons”)/movie actor (“America’s Sweethearts”, Godzilla”)/ex-Mr Helen Hunt

1969 [33] Renée Zellweger, Katy TX, film actress (“Bridget Jones’s Diary”, “Jerry Maguire”)  NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Michelle Pfeiffer in the drama “White Oleander” opening OCTOBER 4, and with Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bigscreen version of “Chicago: The Musical”, coming in DECEMBER

1970 [32] Jason Lee, Huntington Beach CA, movie actor (“Big Trouble”, “Vanilla Sky”, “Almost Famous”)  NEXT MOVIE: The romantic comedy “A Guy Thing”, co-starring Julia Stiles and opening AUGUST 23

1980 [22] Jacob Underwood, El Cajon CA, pop singer (O Town-“All Or Nothing“)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Australia/New Zealand] “Anzac Day” (1915)

TODAY is “Martin Waldseemuller Remembrance Day”, commemorating the man who gave the Americas their name 495 years ago today (1507). The German mapmaker named the New World after minor explorer Amerigo Vespucci, whom he mistakenly thought had discovered it. There were many others more deserving that he could have selected, including Columbus, Cabot, Cartier, Champlain, Hudson, or even Leif Eriksson.
There were many  others more deserving that he could have selected including Columbus, Cortez, Coronado, DeSoto, Champlain, or even Leif Eriksson.
And what if he’d used Vespucci’s last name instead of his first? We’d have —
PLACENAMES: North, South & Central Vespucci, the United States of Vespucci
MOVIES: “Vespuccian Pie”, “Vespuccian Beauty”, “Vespucci’s Sweethearts”, “Vespuccian Grafitti”, “Vespuccian History X”
SONGS: “Vespucci the Beautiful”, ”God Bless Vespucci”, and that great Guess Who oldie “Vespuccian Woman”
SPORTS: ‘Vespuccian League’ baseball, and the ‘VFC’ in the NFL
SLOGANS: At the Olympics obnoxious Vespuccians would be yelling, ‘U-S-V, U-S-V!”
TV: ABC would be ‘VBC’
And you wouldn’t leave home without your ‘Vespuccian Express’ card.
And we’d be living the ‘Vespuccian Dream’!

TODAY is the 10th annual “Take Our Daughters to Work Day”, sponsored by the Ms Foundation For Women to encourage adults to take daughters and other girls in their lives to work and design activities focused on building their self-esteem. Equality finally arrives next year, when they’ll launch “Take Our Daughters & SONS To Work Day”.
PHONER: 800-676-7780/212-742-2300 x409 (Carrie Fernandez)
NET: http://www.takeourdaughterstowork.org

TODAY is “Good Telephone Day”, promoting telephone etiquette, including answering by the 3rd ring, keeping holds to a minimum, thanking callers, and not slamming down the receiver. Ask listeners for businesses that give ‘good phone’ — or, for that matter, that actually have a human answering the phone.

TODAY is the “First Day of Summer” in Iceland, a national holiday celebrated with parades and street dancing. (The bad news is — tomorrow’s the last day of summer in Iceland.)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1997 [05] U2’s “PopMart” tour kicks off in Las Vegas, featuring world’s largest video screen, a 35-ft mirrored lemon, a 100-ft golden arch, and a giant stuffed olive on a 100-ft toothpick

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1928 [74] 1st ‘seeing eye dog’ (to enhance the independence, dignity, and self-confidence of blind people) as ‘Buddy’ is presented to one Morris Frank (the PC term is now ‘guide dog’)

1953 [49] Discovery of ‘DNA’ is announced (important to the future cloning of your pet cat)

1959 [43] St Lawrence Seaway 1st opens to shipping traffic

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1955 [47] Philip Yazdzik eats record 72 hamburgers at one sitting in Chicago (then sets another record for Rolaids)

1972 [30] A cat named ‘Paula’ falls 26 stories in Toronto — and lives!

1980 [22] After Guinness-record 194 days, 12-yr-old Tricia Reay of England stops sneezing

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Pretzel Day
[Sat] Hairball Awareness Day (Is a cat required or can you make your own?)
[Sun] Kiss Your Mate Day (Yup, happens once a year)
[Mon] Teacher Appreciation Week
[Tues] Canadian Income Tax deadline
[Tues] Hairstylist Appreciation Day
Jewish Heritage Week
Sky Awareness Week (Look! Up there!)
National Alcohol Awareness Month
Cancer Control Month

[Fri] Arbor Day
[Sat] American Tax Freedom Day
[Sun] American Heritage Day
[Tues] Spank Out Day USA
Keep America Beautiful Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
LEAST EFFECTIVE INSPIRATIONAL OFFICE POSTERS:
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Plagiarism saves time!
• If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
• Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.

BS ‘FACT OR FICTION?’
One of these statements is fiction, but which one?
Game #1 —
1.The Greek national anthem has 158 verses.
2.The official name of India is actually Bharat.
3.The oldest piano still in existence is from 1310. (Fiction — 1720.)

GAME #2 —
1. In the Middle Ages, chicken soup was believed to be an aphrodisiac.
2. The biggest selling restaurant food is french fries.
3. Spilling salt is considered bad luck in Japan. (Fiction — it’s considered GOOD LUCK.)

GAME #3 —
1. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
2. Camels don’t sweat.
3. Giraffes never sleep. (Fiction)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Over 126,000 guys are injured from this every year.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Falling off a ladder.

BS TAG LINE:
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.