Wednesday, April 24, 2002        Edition: #2282
Why get even when you can get odd?

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT former US Presidents Bill Clinton, Gerald Ford & Jimmy Carter appear in a special episode of “The West Wing”, talking about their White House experiences (Bill’s supplying the cigars) . . . Meantime, Bill Clinton will be also be blowing his sax TONIGHT in a star-studded Democratic fund-raiser at NYC’s famous Apollo Theater, expected to also feature Michael Jackson & Tony Bennett . . . Tart-tongued “Weakest Link” host Anne Robinson is finalizing a deal for her own NBC-TV talk show tentatively titled “Anne Talks Tough” . . . NBC-TV is planning a new reality survivor show for teens called “Endurance”, in which 12-to-15-year-olds will be flown to a Pacific island to compete for an unspecified ‘ultimate prize’ (wow, it’s like an ’N Sync poster!) . . . Britney Spears’ new boyfriend is reportedly 24-year-old choreographer Brian Friedman, who was a backup dancer on her TV special last year . . . The scriptwriter of “Ocean’s 11″ has been asked to start work on a sequel (‘Ocean’s 12′?) . . . Word is Nicole Kidman has bought the most expensive apartment in Sydney, Australia for her parents, a $4-million penthouse in the exclusive Darling Point area, not far from the house Nicole & Tom Cruise bought together — which is now used by her sister (is this a family of freeloaders or what?).

21ST CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Tart Noir’ — A new genre of mystery writing that began in Britain which features neo-feminist women as heroes — dominatrix detectives, if you will. These new femme fatales solve the case while wearing a little black dress and stiletto heels. (Sounds like there’s going to be lots of movie roles for Angelina Jolie!)
• ‘Glass Graffiti’ — A new craze in vandalism for scratching names or ‘tags’ onto windows using glass cutters. Because it can’t be painted over like regular graffiti, entire window panes must be replaced.
• ‘Homicide Bomber’ — The term now being used by the White House instead of ‘suicide bomber’, likely because it sounds more threatening.
• ‘Ocean Rage’ (aka ‘Surf Rage’) — Similar to ‘road rage’, ‘phone rage’, etc. Increasingly, cases of surfers coming to blows over ‘ownership’ of waves are being reported. In one case, 3 California surfers are facing charges for trying to DROWN a wave-rider. Windsurfers have also been known to defend their ‘territory’.

PRE-OWNED PROM GOWNS:
In an event dubbed ‘Operation Prom Dress’, the upper-crust students at the Hewitt School in Manhattan (an exclusive private girls school with an annual tuition of $20,000) have sent 400 new and used prom gowns and matching accessories to the hoi polloi girls at Clay County High School in the poverty-stricken Appalachians. Clay, West Virginia is a town of 600, where about a quarter of the homes are trailers and the unemployment rate is 12%. (To enhance the local debs’ reputation, many of the gowns are also pre-stained.)

CAFFEINE ADDICT:
30-year-old John Winter Smith of Dallas TX is on a mission to visit every Starbucks coffee shop in the world. He began crisscrossing the US and Canada in the summer of ‘99 and has so far managed to visit 2,850 of the 3,630 company-operated stores worldwide. But he may never achieve his goal, because the chain’s expanding at the rate of 600-plus locations per year. (How ‘bout a contest with a grand prize of a cross-Canada Tim Horton’s tour?) Who knows where the guy is now? – try e-mailing to line up an interview.
E-MAIL: winterene@yahoo.com

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A Westport, New Zealand man facing charges of driving without a license was involved in an accident — on his way to court. Even worse, he crashed into another vehicle — driven by the judge scheduled to hear the case. (Now THAT’S irony.)
• A 63-year-old Italian woman needed hospital treatment after collapsing with laughter — while watching a TV show. She was so overcome with the giggles she fell off her chair and lost consciousness, but fully revived when given sedatives. (Well, there’s something you never have to worry about around watching TV here.)
• In a promotion to raise awareness of animal issues, ferrets competed in a fancy dress contest in England. (The winner — Calista Flockhart.)

THE BULL SHEET 04.24.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [68] Shirley MacLaine, Richmond VA, movie actress (Oscar-“Terms of Endearment”)/Warren Beatty’s big sister

1940 [62] Sue Grafton, Louisville KY, top-selling mystery novelist who’s published in 28 countries and 26 languages (her fictional detective ‘Kinsey Millhone’ has appeared in alphabetical best-sellers all the way from “A is for Alibi” to “P is for Peril” – so far)

1942 [60] Barbra Streisand, Brooklyn NY, movie actress (Oscar-“Funny Girl”)/film director (“The Mirror Has Two Faces”)/pop singer (‘Tell Him”) who’s won Oscar, Emmy, Tony & Grammy Awards/Mrs James Brolin  NOTE: She & Shirley MacLaine have celebrated their joint birthday together for years

1967 [35] Omar Vizquel, Caracas VEN, MLB shortstop (Cleveland Indians)

1972 [30] Chipper Jones, DeLand FL, MLB 3rd baseman (Atlanta Braves)

1973 [29] Eric Snow, Canton ON, NBA point guard (Philadelphia 76ers)

1975 [27] Michael Stewart, Cutq Trepied Stella Plage FRA, NBA center (Toronto Raptors)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 50th annual “Administrative Professionals Day”, formerly known as “Secretaries Day”. Some fun facts –
• According to the International Association of Administrative Professionals, ‘educational events’ and ‘group recognition’ are the best ways to observe “AP Week”, but a poll finds the most wanted gifts for “AP Day” are actually spa certificates, time off, and restaurant gift certificates — for two, please. (So do you want to be respected as professionals, or catered to with trinkets as underlings? You can’t have it both ways!)
• A survey by the National Institute of Business Management finds 10% of admin staff admit to having been romantically involved with the boss. Stats show 1 in 8 boss/assistant romances end up in marriage.
THE AP’S LAMENT:
• When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
• When I don’t do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn’t do it, she is too busy.
• When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
• When I please my boss, I am apple-polishing. When my boss pleases his boss, he’s co-operating.
• When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, she never forgets.
(Source: some whiner somewhere)

TODAY is the 7th annual “International Noise Awareness Day”, originally started by NYC’s ‘League for the Hard of Hearing’ in 1996 and now observed in over 30 countries. In celebration, we are encouraged to observe the ‘Quiet Diet’ — 1 minute of quiet, regardless of where we are from 2:15 to 2:16pm. Today’s a good day to play ‘Name That Noise’, where contestants must identify a series of kitchen SFX.
PHONER: 519-826-5833 (Noise Watch HQ Guelph ON)/416-410-2236 (Noise Watch Toronto)
PHONER: 888-NOISE-88 (League for the Hard of Hearing Toll Free)
NET: http://www3.sympatico.ca/noise
NET: http://www.caohc.org/inad.html

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901 [101] 1st ‘American League’ baseball game (Chicago White Sox 8, Cleveland Indians 2)

1983 [19] 1st snooker player with maximum 147-point break in World Championship (Canada’s Cliff Thorburn)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1996 [06] Longest NHL game in 60 years as Petr Nedved scores with 44 secs left in 4th OT to give Pittsburgh 3-2 victory over Washington Capitals

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] First Day of Summer (Iceland)
[Thurs] Take Our Daughters To Work Day
[Fri] Arbor Day
[Sat] US Tax Freedom Day
[Fri] Richter Scale Day
[Fri] National Pretzel Day
[Tues] National Honesty Day & Canadian Income Tax deadline (coincidence?)
National Give-A-Sample Week (aka ‘Please Hit the Paper Cup Week’)
National Karaoke Week
National Volunteer Week
Sports Eye Safety Month (appropriately during the Stanley Cup playoffs)

BULL’S BITS . . .
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF RADIO:
1. Always answer the phones. Your core listeners are at the other end of the line.
2. The studio is your kitchen. Have you got all the ingredients?
3. Read the papers — be in touch with your market.
4. Always keep in mind that you’re more interested in what you have to say than anyone else.
5. Talk to all the staff, not just programming people.
6. Meet the public every day. Name-drop listeners’ names.
7. If you’re lazy, pissed off and hate direction — get another job.
8. Treat everyone you meet with respect. Attitude is everything!
9. Be prepared for the worst so you can be your best.
10. Never be satisfied with your show. You can always do better.
(Thanks to Brad McNally @ 96FM Perth, Australia)

BS COFFEE DRINKER’S PRAYER:
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze
It maketh me to wake in green pastures
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses
It restoreth my buzz
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction
I will fear no Equal
For thou art with me, thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Tim Horton
Thou anointest my day with pep, my mug runneth over
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

BS QUICK PICK TRIVIA:
• What do you get when you cross a sheep and a goat?
a) Shoat
b) Geep
c) Sham
[It can be called either a ‘geep’ or a ‘shoat’.]

• How long does the average shopping cart last?
a) 10 years
b) 5 years
c) In my apartment building parking lot – forever!
[Circa 10 years. During that time, the wheels are replaced about 3 times.]

• How many women now regularly wear shoes with heels higher than 1 inch to work?
a) 10%
b) 25%
c) 100% of the ‘ladies’ working my street.
[25%. Low heels help prevent leg and feet injuries.]

• “Friends” actress Lisa Kudrow has a university degree in –
a) Fashion Design
b) Biology
c) Rocket Science
[She’s not the bimbo she sometimes seems. She graduated from Vassar College with a Bachelor of Science degree in biology, intending to pursue a career in research.]

WHO SAID IT?
“Most people would rather give than get affection.”
a) Hugh Hefner
b) Madonna
c) Aristotle
[It was that noted cuddle-bum, Aristotle.]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most of us prefer these to be blue.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Toothbrushes.

BS TAG LINE:
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?