April 23, 2002

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Tuesday, April 23, 2002        Edition: #2281
Don’t wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it!

TONIGHT the 23rd annual “Sports Emmy Awards” will be handed out at a NYC black-tie affair with ESPN and FOX leading the field of nominations . . . TODAY Rosie O’Donnell’s memoir “Find Me” is due to hit bookstores in which she reportedly writes frankly about her relationship with women and having a girl break her heart in college (ohhhh, she’s gay — who woulda thunk?) . . . As Pope John Paul II’s summit on the sex-abuse scandals gets under way, devout Catholic and father of seven Mel Gibson is speaking out saying, ‘The problem can no longer be ignored, the evil priests must be reported’ (we were thinking more along the lines of castrated) . . . 11 TV networks are about to eliminate end-credits from TV shows in favor of a graphic directing viewers to a full listing of credits on a Website (the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences is upset with this idea, but do you really care who the head gaffer was?) . . . Disney’s “Monsters Inc” has now passed the $500-million mark in worldwide box office, making it 2nd only to “The Lion King” among animated features . . . Former “Cosby Show” actress Lisa Bonet (who played daughter ‘Denise Huxtable’) tells “People” mag she won’t be appearing in NEXT MONTH’S “Cosby Show Reunion” because network execs made her feel ‘devalued and disrespected’ (translated from Hollywoodese – she wants more moola) . . . And because we really need to know, 57-year-old wrinkle rocker Rod Stewart tells Germany’s “Bild” magazine that he can’t live without sex for more than 24 hours and he’s like a rabbit because he can do it anytime, anyplace (and also has a hairy butt).

Owen Wilson & Gene Hackman star in the war drama “Behind Enemy Lines”, the story of a commanding officer who goes against orders in an attempt to rescue a Navy pilot shot down in Bosnia . . . Director Christine Lahti’s “My First Mister”, the story of an unlikely friendship between an alienated LA goth girl played by Leelee Sobieski and an ultra-conservative suit salesman played by Albert Brooks . . . And there are DVD collections of several animated superhero shows including “Batman: The Animated Series”, “Justice League”, “Metropolis”, and “Supurigan”.

Here’s what a random sampling say about The Rock’s mega-hit movie “The Scorpion King” –
• “Predecessors ‘The Mummy’ and ‘The Mummy Returns’ stand as intellectual masterpieces next to ‘The Scorpion King’.” – FilmCritic.com
• “Swords hacking, arrows piercing, more swords hacking, warriors ducking and leaping, more of those swords hacking blah blah blah. It gets very tiresome.” – Fantastica Daily
• “Who knew that breast implants predated the pyramids?” – Movie Parables
• “Unlike ‘Battlefield Earth’ which was so laughably bad it was almost enjoyable at times, ‘The Scorpion King’ is stupefyingly terrible from beginning to end.”- Steve Rhodes’ Internet Reviews
• “If this doesn’t scream ‘direct to video’, I don’t know what does.” – Planet Sick Boy
• “Of all the special effects in the movie, the most impressive are the ones that keep the breasts of the many nubile maidens covered to within one centimeter of the PG-13 guidelines.” – Roger Ebert

• A study in YESTERDAY’S issue of the “International Journal of Obesity” finds that Canadian kids are packing on the pounds at a faster rate than other countries. Researchers found that 38% of Canadian boys and a third of girls aged 7 or 8 were overweight. (Well at least we can be thankful the “International Journal of Obesity” doesn’t come with a centerfold.)
• According to a new Leger Marketing survey, about 70% of Canadians think federal and provincial politicians are corrupt. You know – like when a cabinet minister gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar so he’s given a cushy job as ambassador somewhere?
• Police in Port Moody BC are looking for a man driving a Jaguar who used a fake credit card on a gas pump with a stolen account number and the name ‘Osama bin Laden’. Don’t worry, it can’t be legit – the suspect IS Middle Eastern but way too young and too short to be the real deal. (Now there’s a brilliant crook – using the name of the world’s most wanted man as fake ID.)

• The Philippines will be the first country to award a baccalaureate degree in gambling if plans to open a gaming academy are approved. The state-owned Philippine Amusement & Gaming Corp is looking to offer a ‘Bachelor of Science in Gaming Management’. (“Wanna join our roulette study group?” “Geez I can’t, my blackjack thesis is due next week!”)
• British composer Simon Turner is composing “New Ring Cycle”, a symphony that uses the ringing tones of 30 mobile phones. The so-called ‘SIM-phone-ya’ is scheduled to premiere at a music festival in JULY when 30 mobile phone owners will be invited to play the ring tones. (A theater event where the audience will actually be asked to turn their cell phones ON.)
• The government of Singapore has launched a ‘Speak Good English’ campaign, urging citizens to abandon the local blend of English, Chinese and other dialects that’s known as ‘Singlish’. The idea is to help trade-dependent Singaporeans (Singaporites?) communicate more easily in the business world. (Hey, talkin’ English good is right worthwhile for anyone to do, ain’t it?)
• English historian Alan Davies has found a 370-year-old book under a pile of papers in the Wigan town hall vault that seems to be an early call for female empowerment. “Womans Worth: A Treatise Proving by Sundry Reasons That Women Do Excel Men” seems to have been written in the mid-1600s and details several areas in which women are deemed superior. Chapters titles include ‘Women Wiser Than Men’ and ‘Women More Valiant Than Men’.

There’s one area where males still dominate females — men have a higher rate of genetic mutation, according to University of Chicago evolutionary geneticist Wen-Hsiung Li. His research shows that the mutation rate of human, chimp, gorilla and gibbon males is 5 to 6 times greater than females, meaning males drive the evolution of the species. (Yeah OK, but when gathered in a room how’d he tell the difference between human, chimp, gorilla and gibbon males?)

The Mobile Data Association reports that 75 BILLION text messages were sent worldwide during the first quarter of 2002, up a whopping 50% from the same period a year ago. The association now predicts that, by the end of the year, 360 BILLION messages will have been sent – or 60 messages for every single human on Earth. (Most of them saying really important stuff like “Hey wazzup?”)


1960 [42] Valerie Bertinelli, Wilmington DE, TV actress (Gloria-“Touched by an Angel”, “One Day at a Time” [1975-84])/Mrs Eddie Van Halen since 1981

1967 [35] Rheal Cormier, Moncton NB, MLB pitcher (Philadelphia Phillies)

1968 [34] Tim Womack, Brownwood TX, country singer (Sons of the Desert-“Leaving October Behind”, “What About You”)

1977 [25] Andruw Jones, Willemstad, Curacao, $10-million-a-year MLB outfielder (Atlanta Braves)

THIS WEEK is the 8th annual “TV Turn Off Week” when we’re encouraged to turn off the tube and pursue alternative activities. Based on AC Nielsen figures, by age 65 the average person spends nearly 9 years glued to the tube and watches about 2 million TV commercials.

TODAY is “World Laboratory Animals Day”, some animal rights zealot’s excuse to carry around a sign saying ‘Save the Chimps from the Chumps!’.

TODAY is the 7th annual “Canada Book Day”, a day to celebrate national literary achievements. There are now some 42,000 Canadian book titles in print (about 500 by Margaret Atwood, the rest about hockey).
PHONER: 416-504-8222 (Writers’ Trust of Canada-Toronto ON)
NET: http://www.canadabookday.com

TODAY is the anniversary of both William Shakespeare’s birth and his death (1564-1616), the bard of Stratford-on-Avon ENG who composed 37 plays and 154 sonnets. For sooth! The annual “Bard’s Birthday Celebration” will be held in many locations around-the-world, including the home of Canada’s annual “Shakespearean Festival”, Stratford ON.

SATURDAY the Neville Public Museum in Green Bay, Wisconsin is preparing to open an exhibit charting the history of — toilet paper. ‘Privy To The Past: Inside America’s Most Private Room’ features a replica of a sponge the ancient Romans used, and explains how corn cobs, leaves and newspaper came into use before modern-day TP. Green Bay’s Northern Paper Mill is credited with creating modern bathroom tissue in 1902, but it wasn’t until 1935 that it was advertised as ‘splinter-free’ (owwww yikes!).
PHONER: 920-448-4460 (Michael Telzrow, Curator of History)

1964 [38] 1st MLB no-hitter pitched — for a LOSS (Cincinnati Reds beat Astros’ pitcher Ken Johnson 1-0 on 2 costly Houston errors)

1969 [33] John Sinclair walks a record 215 miles in 48 hours — NON-STOP!

1996 [06] NHL single-game record crowd of 28,183 watches Philadelphia beat Tampa

1997 [05] Oldest known woman to give birth as California infertility doctor announces 63-year-old Rosana Della Cortes has given birth from a donor egg

[1 week today] Revenue Canada filing deadline
[Wed] Administrative Professionals Day (formerly Secretaries Day)
[Wed] 7th Annual International Noise Awareness Day
[Thurs] Take Our Daughters To Work Day
[Fri] Arbor Day USA
[Fri] Hug an Australian Day
[Fri] National Pretzel Day
National Science & Technology Week (aka ‘Geek Week’)
Canada-US Goodwill Week (aka ‘Don’t Bomb Us, We’re Just Trying to Help Week’)


See if you can name the Stanley Cup playoff team by the origin of its name –
• This team name draws its inspiration from a famous song by bluesman WC Handy. [St Louis Blues]
• Businessman Charles Adams wanted his new franchise to have brown and yellow team colors to match his stores as well as a name equated with strength and power. A fan named the team in a contest. [Boston Bruins]
• Named in honor of the city’s original 1901 amateur team that went on to win 6 Stanley Cups. [Ottawa Senators]
• Then-team president James Norris named it in honor of a team he had played with, the Montréal Winged Wheelers, deciding the logo was perfect for this city. [Detroit Red Wings]
• This team’s name was chosen from 25,000 entries in a contest, even though the winning entry was spelled differently. [Philadelphia Flyers, which the kid who won spelled ‘Fliers’.]
•  Original owner Frederic McLaughlin named his team in honor of the WW1 battalion he served with. [Chicago Blackhawks, contracted from the Black Hawk Battalion]
• This nickname’s taken from a Canadian folk hero, who became famous in WW2 comic books. [Vancouver Canucks. Legend has it ‘Johnny Canuck’ was a great logger, and a skater and hockey player in his spare time.]

Are the following TV actors from classic shows stiff or still kickin’?
• Hervé Villechaize, the little guy on the TV show “Fantasy Island” that opened each show yelling ‘Da plane, boss. Da plane!’ and who also appeared as the villain’s accomplice in the ‘James Bond’ film “The Man with the Golden Gun”. [Stiff as of 9/4/93]
• Carroll O’Connor, who played ‘Archie Bunker’ in the long-running sitcom “All in the Family”. [Stiffed 6/21/01]
• James Doohan who was ‘Lt Commander Montgomery Scott‘, better known as ‘Scotty’, on the original “Star Trek”. [Alive and a ripe old 82]
• David Doyle, who played ‘Bosley‘ on the TV version of “Charlie’s Angels”. [Died 2/26/97]
• Shirley Jones, the “Partridge Family” mom. [Alive and 68]
• Don Knotts, the geeky deputy on the “Andy Griffith Show”. [Still kickin’ at 77]
• Lee Majors, best known as the star of the TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man”. [Still kickin’ and turning 63 TODAY.]
• Harry Morgan, who played ‘Colonel Potter’ on ”M*A*S*H”. [Still kickin’ at 87]
• Ted Knight, the news anchor on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”. [Stiffed 8/26/86]
• Robert Reed, the dad on “The Brady Bunch”. [Stiff as of 5/12/92]

He said: “I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
She said: “I’ll miss you.”
He said: “Why don’t we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said: “That’s a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart.”

He said: “Ever since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.”
She said: “Well congratulations, you’ve succeeded.”

Today’s Question: 78% of women surveyed say this is what they regret the most about high school.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Their hairstyle.

The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.


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