Monday, April 15, 2002 Edition: #2275
Can You Believe This Sheet?
BS TRASHY YET TITILLATING TABLOID TIDBITS:
• TONIGHT “Friends” star Matthew Perry appears in a 2-hour episode of “Ally McBeal” as the show returns from a 6-week hiatus. “E! Online” notes he’ll play an arrogant attorney who’s at odds with Calista Flockhart. (Oh wow, sounds like sexual tension to us.)
• According to “Star” magazine, street brawler-cum-Oscar-winning-actor Russell Crowe has agreed to donate his brain to science. (In related news, scientists are seeking the world’s smallest tweezers . . .)
• “National Enquirer” says 31-year-old superstar Jennifer Lopez is in the middle of a ‘pregnancy crisis’. The tab claims she’s been taking fertility drugs and recently had medical tests to monitor a condition that impairs her ability to get pregnant.
• UK’s “Sun” reports that Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger will sing “Hero”, the title tune to the upcoming “Spider-Man” movie, opening MAY 3RD. Aerosmith is also featured on the soundtrack, performing a cover of the original “Spider-Man cartoon theme.
• “Daily Dish” reports that Kid Rock proposed to Pamela Anderson last THURSDAY night outdoors in the Las Vegas desert, and she said “Yes.” No wedding date has been set.
• 33-year-old “Friends” star Jennifer Aniston has filed a lawsuit against “Man’s World” for publishing pictures of her sunbathing topless. “Sun” claims she’s been told to provide a description, meaning she’ll have to describe her boobs in court!
• “Buzz” reports that ”Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” is losing its regular time slot on ABC-TV THIS FALL and returning to its original status as a ‘special event’ program.
• Notoriously private Janet Jackson is doing everything she can to keep her new romance with Matthew McConaughey under wraps, but one of “Star’s” stoolies allegedly spotted the actor leaving her Bel Air home one morning shirtless, carrying his shoes, and with tousled hair.
• According to “NY Post”, the show biz community is already buzzing that when the movie “The Scorpion King” opens FRIDAY, it will establish former WWF champ The Rock as Hollywood’s new premiere action star, terminating the reign of a certain 50-something superhero.
• And here’s the week’s REAL news according to “Weekly World News” – “Fat Tourist Wrecks Tower of Pisa!”, “Family Thrown in Prison For Being Too Ugly!”, and “Secret Vatican Report Warns New Demon is Worse Than Satan!” (Yeah, he’s a priest.)
THE COST OF BUYING:
If you compare average hours of work needed to buy them, “Money Magazine” says many products are actually cheaper today than they were 30 years ago. Some examples — cars are slightly cheaper, movie tickets are actually one third cheaper, air fares are 50% cheaper, and color TVs cost 87% less!
FITNESS IN A BOTTLE:
Someday it may be possible to get the benefits of exercise just by swallowing a pill! A team of University of Texas Southwestern and Duke University researchers has discovered a biochemical pathway in muscles that could be replicated into a possible drug that mimics the effects of exercise. (Fitness trainer 20 years from now – “Hey, time to take your diet pill.” “Awww, can you lift it to my lips?”)
THE MOZART DIET:
According to a study at Johns Hopkins Medical Center, women who consume meals while listening to classical music take smaller bites and chew their food slower — thereby consuming fewer calories. (It’s also hard to put on pounds when you’re snoring face-down in your plate.)
FAT MEN ARE SEXIER:
The medical journal “The Physician & Sports Medicine” says men who reduce body fat to 5% or less may actually ruin their sex lives because an ultra-low body fat count interferes with testosterone levels. (Yeah right, those NBA guys are all celibate.)
PICKY PARTNERS:
German psychologist Dr Peter Todd says we should ideally try a dozen mates before making a lifetime choice. Why? He says the mating game can be reduced to a mathematical calculation based on probabilities, so the more relationships you try, the better your odds of success. (Explain to your spouse how you need 10 affairs to save your marriage.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Mina Cormier of Grand Barachois NB has a chicken that lays — green eggs. The problem is she doesn’t know which one. She’s found one green egg among the regular brown and white eggs every morning for the past week. (Apparently they taste particularly good with ham.)
• A Hitachi, Japan man who burst into a store and demanded money at knife-point suddenly canceled his robbery and asked the shopkeeper to call the police. Why? He discovered he’d forgotten to wear his mask. (Duh! Rule #1: Look in mirror before hold-up.)
• Nurses at Florence, Italy’s Santa Maria Nuova Hospital called the cops when a man ran into their emergency room wearing handcuffs. They thought he was an escaped prisoner. Turns out he got stuck in the cuffs during a sex game with his fiancee. (They shoulda figured it out from the ‘Batman’ costume.)
• And a 30-year-old Danish man is suing Kjellerups Hospital for pain and suffering and loss of income after an accident occurred during minor surgery. Seems a surgeon was removing a mole on the guy’s butt with an electric knife when the man . . . well, er . . . fluffied. That created a spark which lit his genitals on fire because they’d just been washed with surgical spirits. Surgeon Dr Jorn Kristensen says, “No one considered the possibility the man would break wind during the operation, let alone that it would catch fire. It was an unfortunate accident.” (And we’re guessing damn painful, too.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.15.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1959 [43] Emma Thompson, London ENG, movie actress (Oscar-“Howard’s End”)/screenwriter (Oscar-“Sense & Sensibility”)/ex-Mrs Kenneth Branagh NEXT MOVIE: “Treasure Planet”, a Disney animated version of “Treasure Island”, opening NOVEMBER 27 TRIVIA: She was initially cast in Sharon Stone’s role in “Basic Instinct” but refused later on.
1968 [34] Ed O’Brien, Oxford ENG, alternative rock musician (Radiohead-“OK Computer”)
1990 [12] Emma Watson, Oxford ENG, movie actress (Hermione Granger-“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”) NEXT MOVIES: “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets (NOVEMBER 15), “Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban” (2004)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY at 12 noon ET the 106th “Boston Marathon” gets underway, one of the oldest and most prestigious annual marathon events.
NET: http://www.bostonmarathon.org
TODAY is “Rubber Eraser Day”, honoring English chemist Joseph Priestley’s 1770 discovery that a small cube of latex could be used to correct boo-boos. He coined the word ‘eraser’. So go ahead and make a mistake – just don’t forget your rubbers!
TODAY marks the 550th anniversary (1452) of the birth of Leonardo da Vinci, the Italian painter (“Mona Lisa”) and scientist credited with envisioning numerous inventions like the helicopter and optical lenses. But here’s some BS . . .
LESSER KNOWN DA VINCI INVENTIONS:
• TV audio system that automatically adds an Italian accent.
• The AbTronic Adjustable Groin-Puller.
• Spray-on Hair.
TODAY is officially “IRS Income Tax Payday” in the USA. (APRIL 30TH is the Canada Customs & Revenue Agency deadline.)
TODAY is “National Gripers’ Day”, a good day to have listeners call in with life’s little annoyances like . . .
• That tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
• Setting your alarm for 7 pm instead of 7 am.
• Plastic cords that connect new shoes so you can’t walk when you try them on.
• TV ads for ‘feminine protection’ during dinner.
• You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
• Trying to tear a new CD out of the shrinkwrap.
• Those little dryer sheets that get stuck in your underwear.
• Spring-loaded faucets in public washrooms that only let you wash one hand at a time.
• Corks that break when opening wine bottles.
• Elevators that stop on every floor and nobody gets on.
WEDNESDAY is the 30th annual “Running of the Rodents”, a spoof of the “Kentucky Derby” at Spalding University in Louisville KY. Lab rats in racing silks scurry to win the ‘Run for the Fruit Loops’ on a 17-foot track. What a rat race!
PHONER: 502-585-7140/877-346-3300/502-681-3300
NET: http://www.spalding.edu/news/ItsARatRace/WhatIsTheRunningOfTheRodents.htm
NET: http://www.festivals.com/~finder/display_eventdetails.cfm?EID=USKYL23117
ON THIS DAY . . .
1912 [90] ‘Unsinkable’ “Titanic” sinks at 2:27am off coast of Newfoundland as the band plays on, spawning a billion-dollar movie (for a dinner celebration, why not serve the family iceberg lettuce with a sprinkling of Lifesavers?)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1738 [264] 1st ‘bottle opener’ (before that – teeth)
1920 [82] 1st Canadian ‘small cent’ coin FACTOID: Royal Canadian Mint estimates the typical Canadian household now has a hoard of $24-worth of pennies tucked away in drawers & jars, which forces production of 700 million new pennies each year, each costing 1.4 cents to produce.
1955 [47] 1st McDonald’s franchise opens in Des Plaines IL
BS WAYS McDONALD’S HAS CHANGED:
• Then: special sauce, Now: combination salad dressing/sun block.
• Then: free toy with burger, Now: free defibrilation with every quarter pounder.
• Then: ‘Over 1 million served!’, Now: ‘3 people in the world not yet served!’
• Then: “Do you want fries with that?”, Now: “Would you like the name of a heart specialist with that?”
1975 [27] Canada’s 1st government-operated lottery ($1 million ‘Olympic Lottery’)
1977 [25] 1st MLB game at Montréal’s Olympic Stadium (‘The Big Owe’)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1934 [68] Shankweiler’s Drive-In opens in Orefield PA, the oldest, continuously running drive-in movie theater (it opened FRIDAY night for it’s 69th consecutive season)
PHONER: 610-481-0800
NET: http://www.shankweilers.com
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Stress Awareness Day
[Wed] Canadian Equality Day
[Wed] Stanley Cup Playoffs begin
[Wed] NBA season ends
[Thurs] Pet Owners Independence Day
[Thurs] Teach Children To Save Day
[Thurs] International Jugglers Day
[Fri] Garlic Day
[Sat] Astronomy Day
[Sat] NBA playoffs begin
THIS WEEK IS . . .
National Infant Immunization Week
Reading is Fun Week
Families Laughing Through Stories Week
National Credit Union Week
Consumer Awareness Week
National Explore Your Career Options Week
Organ Tissue Donor Awareness Week
Organize Your Files Week
Bike Safety Week
Crime Victims Rights Week
National Bubblegum Week
National Coin Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
The famous ‘San Diego Chicken’ mascot (Ted Gianoulis of London ON) made its debut 27 years ago TODAY (1975). Let’s see if you can . . .
MATCH THE MASCOT WITH THE BASEBALL TEAM:
• OK let’s start off with a gimme – ‘Mr Met’ (NY Mets)
• ‘Rally Homer’ (Atlanta Braves)
• ‘Slider’ (Cleveland Indians)
• ‘Paws’ (Detroit Tigers)
• ‘Youppi’ (Montréal Expos)
• ‘Dinger the Dinosaur’ (Colorado Rockies)
• ‘Fred Bird’ (St Louis Cardinals)
• ‘The Moose’ (Seattle Mariners)
• ‘Lou Seal’ (San Francisco Giants)
• ‘BJ Birdy’ (Toronto Blue Jays)
• ‘Billy the Marlin’ (Florida Marlins)
• ‘Stomper the Elephant’ (Oakland Athletics)
Source: MLB.com
BS INTERVIEW:
SATURDAY the inaugural “Geek Prom” was held at the NorShor Theater in Duluth MN. The prom’s theme was ‘We are through being cool’ and the event featured the crowning of King & Queen Geek, geeky video games, and special drinks including the ‘Pocket Protector’ and the ‘Leonard Nimoy’. Organizer Paul Lundgren says the gala evening also included ‘spastic fits of clumsy dancing’.
PHONER: 218-624-2513 (Paul Lundgren)/218-724-1419 (promoter Scott Lunt)
BS QUICK PICK TRIVIA:
• How many customers ate in the 1st McDonald’s on opening day 47 years ago?
a) 10,000
b) 1,000
c) 100
c) None
[None. It was take-out only.]
• What is a ‘bangtail’?
a) A rabbit run over on the highway.
b) A billing envelope with advertising on the back.
c) A late penalty slapped on overdue taxes by Canada Customs & Revenue.
d) Local slang for a ‘working girl’ in Bangkok.
[It’s business jargon for an envelope with ads on it.]
• It’s estimated that less than 1% of Canadian marriages involve this —
a) Same-sex partners.
b) First cousins.
c) Prenuptial agreements.
d) Regular sex.
[Cousins. It’s legal, but not common. It’s most frequent in Newfoundland, Québec and among Hutterite communities.]
• At the ball game you bite into an ‘all-beef’ hot dog. Legally, which cattle part can it NOT contain?
a) Tail.
b) Udder.
c) Rump.
d) Lips.
[Udder. The rest ARE allowed by the US Food Safety & Inspection Service.]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Q: It’s mainly a ‘guy thing’ but 4% of people who engage in this risky activity are women.
A: (To give out tomorrow.) Robbing banks.
[FRIDAY’S QUESTION: 6% of you say that when you lose your TV remote this is where you have found it. ANSWER: The fridge.]
BS TAG LINE:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
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