Monday, April 8, 2002 Edition: #2270
And now, a man who spends most of his time wondering which will go first — his hair or his mind . . .
THE WEEK’S WEIRDEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Arkansas Moonshine Makes Boneheads Brilliant!”
• “New Plan to Blow Up the Moon!”
• “Fountain of Smart Found!”
• “Butt Kicking Dentist K.O.’s Patients!”
• “Crazy Armadillo Mates With Mower!”
• “Girl With 14 Fingers Wins Typing Contest!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
OTHER BS TABLOID GOSSIP:
• According to both “National Enquirer” and “Daily Star”, Tom Cruise has booted live-in girlfriend Penelope Cruz out of his Beverly Hills mansion and nixed their wedding plans. The devastated Spanish actress has reportedly flown home to Madrid to be comforted by her parents. The relationship lasted — 9 months. (Hmm, could this involve the ‘p’-word? We know how much Tom likes announcements of pregnancy from his ladies.)
• “E! Online” notes that a half-dozen “Star Wars” fans have already lined up outside the famous Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood to see the next episode “Attack Of The Clones” which doesn’t open until — MAY 16.
PHONER: 323-462-9702/323-462-9609 (pay phones outside theater)
PHONER: 323-464-8111/323-461-3331 (Mann’s Chinese Theater)
• FRIDAY REM guitarist Peter Buck was cleared of air rage and assault charges by a London jury over that infamous drunken rampage a year ago aboard a British Airways flight from Seattle to London. According to “Buzz”, Buck claimed he had a ‘bad reaction’ after taking a sleeping pill and drinking 6 ‘small glasses’ of red wine. Witnesses say he actually downed 15 glasses of wine, overturned a food cart and assaulted two crew members.
• First it was ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass, now Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler wants to blast off into space says “Daily Dish”. He’s currently considering whether to embark on the grueling training routine that the Russian space agency demands for prospective astronauts. If he passed the rigorous physical tests, Tyler would then have to fork out circa $20 million to travel in a Soyuz rocket.
• Try to figure this one — Ozzy Osbourne has been invited by President George W Bush to have dinner at the White House, reports “National Enquirer”. This may have something to do with the instant success of MTV’s new reality show “The Osbournes”. (Or they couldn’t think who else to invite over for ‘filet of bat’.)
• “Star” magazine claims 36-year-old model-turned-mom Cindy Crawford has caught her hubby Rande Gerber cheating with a younger woman. (Cheating on Cindy Crawford is like a Ferrari owner asking to borrow your 20-year-old Yugo beater.)
• Word is Julia Louis-Dreyfus became fed up with old boss Jerry Seinfeld phoning her with tips on how to make her new sit-com “Watching Ellie” funnier. According to “Star”, she became so exasperated with his ‘yada, yada, yada’ that she told him in no uncertain terms to cease and desist. (Now that the sinking show’s on ‘hiatus’, maybe she’s having second thoughts.)
• Could “Die Another Day” be his last? “Mirror” says 48-year-old ‘Bond’ actor Pierce Brosnan privately thinks that Roger Moore made one too many ‘007’ films and he wants to stop before he starts to look tired. (Moore made his last appearance as ‘Bond’ at a wrinkly 57.)
• Ringo Starr joined Paul McCartney onstage in Las Vegas over the weekend. The surprise show marked one of the few occasions the two have performed together post-Beatles, says “Daily Dish”. (Likely Paul was just too embarrassed to sing “Yellow Submarine” alone.)
• And country singers Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood are finally admitting they’re a couple reports “Sun”. After years of denials, it now appears Garth left Sandy, his wife of 15 years, for Trisha.
SAVING TIME SYNDROME:
‘Daylight Saving Time’ can be dangerous. There’ll be a 7% increase in the number of accidents in Canada TODAY as a direct result of yesterday’s lost hour to DST. A University of British Columbia study says the cause is simply clumsiness from sleep deprivation. The good news is — by next week, we’ll have adjusted and everything will be back to normal. (The real reason for increased accidents — drivers trying to re-set digital clocks while speeding along the highway.)
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
• What are the odds your lawyer is sleazy? 1 in every 8 lawyers has a complaint filed against him or her, according to the American Bar Association.
• The odds of a golfer getting a hole-in-one are 300,000 to 1.
• The odds of a person being struck by a meteorite — 10 trillion to 1.
• The odds a man will cheat on his wife are an astounding 1 in 3 according to “Men’s Health” magazine. On the female side, the same study finds working women and those married more than 10 years are most likely to have an affair.
• The odds of flipping a coin heads-up 10 times in a row are 1,023 to 1.
• The odds of having a heart attack are 60% higher for people under 5′-7″. Studies show that your risk increases 3% for every inch under 6 feet. (So how’d Danny DeVito live to be 57?)
• If they scraped the side of an empty parked car, 66% of respondents in a new poll say they would leave a message with contact details on the windshield. But 10% admit they would just drive away. (And a sleaze-ball 1% would leave a note that says “People see me writing this note after I hit your car. They think I’m leaving you my phone number . . . I’m not.”)
• Over 90% of Americans think Canadians are ‘honest, friendly and polite’, but only 50% consider us ‘sexy’. (Well, they obviously haven’t seen ‘Marg Delahunty’.)
• A “New Woman” magazine survey shows 83% of women think it’s important to ‘grow as a person’. Funny, but just 68% of men agree. (The other 32% subscribe to the theory, ‘the one with the most toys wins!’.)
SHOE SHOPPING TIME:
Podiatrists advise you should never buy shoes in the morning. Feet expand through the day as your feet take a pounding, so put off your footwear purchase till mid-day or later, when your feet are their ‘true size’. (And the aroma has truly ripened.)
INCREASING THE COST OF CANCER:
New Yorkers now must shell out about $6 (US) for a pack of cigarettes, and if NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg gets his way, smokers in the Big Apple will soon pay a surcharge of $1.50 more per pack on top of that! That would make each cig worth 38 cents.
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• Over the weekend at the “2002 Kitchen & Bath Industry Show” in Chicago, Samsung Corp unveiled its new ‘Digital Network Refrigerator’. Among its hi-tech twists — a detachable 15-inch screen for watching TV, surfing the Net or displaying recipes from e-mail and Websites, and an information center that tracks the refrigerator’s contents and food expiry dates. (And a mechanical arm that reaches out and slaps your hand if you’re on a diet.)
• London’s “Sunday Times” reports that actress Jamie Lee Curtis has registered a patent for the Dipe ‘N’ Wipe — a disposable diaper that has a moisture-proof pocket on the front which contains wipes that can be taken out and applied with one hand, leaving the other hand free. (It’s not clear if she got the idea after her 76-year-old dad Tony Curtis showed up for an extended visit.)
• “New Scientist” reports that a new ‘painless syringe’ has been developed by a team of micro-engineers at Kansai University in Osaka, Japan. The 1 mm-long needle has a serrated edge so it has less contact with the skin’s nerve endings. Where’d they get the idea? It was designed to mimic — the mosquito.
Administrators at the UK’s Farrelly Engineering Co say profits have been soaring ever since the staff was encouraged to — hug each other. Boss Jerry Farrelly says profits are up 200% since he introduced the ancient Chinese philosophy of ‘Tao Te Ching’ to employees. Although they’re urged to hug at the beginning and end of each day, employees who are too shy are allowed to just shake hands or pat each other on the back. Farrelly claims, “There is a lot of love in the office so people do not quit. They look forward to returning to their jobs after the weekend.” (Our boss skipped right past the hugging stage — to screwing.)
Here’s a weird new disorder to worry about — ‘Exploding Head Syndrome’. But don’t fret about having to clean up afterward. The symptoms of this unusual disorder are hearing noises and seeing flashing lights when trying to sleep. (Most common in cheap hotels.)
ARMED AND EXTREMELY HORNY:
Police in Winnipeg are looking for an armed robber who held up an adult video store LAST WEEK using a can of pepper spray. Instead of demanding cash, he grabbed what police are referring to as an ‘anatomically correct sensation device’ worth more than $420 — a hi-tech sex doll. (Geez, for 420 bucks he coulda slept with [your co-host] . . . 800 times.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.08.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1918  Betty Ford, Chicago IL, former US First Lady/rehab clinic namesake
1938  Kofi Annan, Kumasi GHANA, UN Secretary-General since 1997
1963  Julian Lennon, Liverpool ENG, unsuccessful pop singer (“Valotte”)/Cynthia & John Lennon’s son
1966  Robin Wright-Penn, Dallas TX, film actress (“Unbreakable”, “Forrest Gump”)/Mrs Sean Penn
1968  Patricia Arquette, NYC, film actress (“Lost Highway”, “Ed Wood”)/ex-Mrs Nicolas Cage NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars in the Billy Bob Thornton crime thriller “Behind the Badge”, opening in OCTOBER
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Feng Shui Awareness Day” (‘Fung Schway’), celebrating the oriental ‘art of placement’ in which architecture and interiors are situated to blend with their surroundings in order to create greater harmony. May sound exotic, but virtually every skyscraper being built these days has received input from a feng shui master.
TODAY is the most important Buddhist holiday, “Birthday of the Buddha” (563 BC), celebrated in Japan, Taiwan, Hawaii, Korea and elsewhere.
THIS WEEK is “Canadian National Wildlife Week”, first declared in 1947 by an act of Parliament to honor the birth date of Jack Miner (April 10), one of the founders of Canada’s conservation movement and the namesake of the world famous waterfowl sanctuary in Kingsville ON which he established in 1904. He’s credited as a key player in saving
Canada Geese from extinction. (Ah, so he’s the reason we can’t walk in the park anymore.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998  Final episode of “Seinfeld” is filmed on high-security set (you can still watch reruns in syndication every day of the week . . . about 12 times)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1994  Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain commits suicide with a shotgun in Seattle WA (pretty much ending the ‘grunge’ or ‘modern rock’ movement)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1766  1st ‘fire escape’ involves wicker basket, pulley and chain (London ENG)
1873  NYC’s Alfred Paraf patents 1st successful ‘oleomargarine’ (he calls it ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lard’)
1969  Montréal Expos play 1st regular season game, beating NY Mets 11-10 at NYC’s Shea Stadium (Expos reliever Dan McGinn hits the 1st home run in team history)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1974  Hank Aaron breaks Babe Ruth’s career home run record, hitting his 715th MLB homer while playing for Atlanta Braves (finishes career with 755)
1983  One of ‘heaviest-ever recorded babies’ (Kevin Robert Clark of Lakehurst NJ tips scales at 16 lbs-6 oz and measures 24+ inches at birth)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Queen Mother’s funeral (London ENG)
[Tues] Yom Ha Shoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day)
[Tues] Chicken Little Awareness Day
[Tues] Name Yourself Day
[Wed] Siblings Day
[Wed] Salvation Army Founders Day
[Wed] Golfers Day
[Thurs] Masters Golf tournament begins (Augusta GA)
[Thurs] National Barbershop Quartet Day
[Fri] Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day
[Fri] Teens Against Zits Day
[Fri] Audubon Day
[Fri] Thank You School Librarian Day
[Sun] Juno Awards (St John’s NF)
[Sun] NHL regular season ends
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Be Kind to Animals Week
National Library Week
Building Safety Week
National Garden Week
National Guitar Week
Home Safety Week
Medical Laboratory Week
Week of the Ocean
Women’s Nutrition Week
Pan American Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MOST DESIRABLE QUALITIES IN A RADIO ANNOUNCER:
5. Interesting comments and opinions.
4. Good personality.
2. Doesn’t talk too much.
1. Good sense of humor.
Source: Blair survey
BS USED CAR AD TRANSLATION GUIDE:
What car ads say (and what they really mean) —
• “Needs Some Body Work” (it was nailed by a Mack truck)
• “Well-Maintained” (oil changed once)
• “Looks Like New” (just don’t try to drive it)
• “Lots Of Potential” (for a demolition derby)
• “Runs Fine” (when going downhill)
• “All Original” (nothing has been fixed, adjusted, or replaced)
• “Must Sell” (before it blows up)
• “Needs Minor Repair” (to all major parts)
Some of the hottest bats in Major League Baseball now come from Canada. The Original Maple Bat Corp manufactures the ‘Sam Bat’ from Canadian rock maple. It’s harder and heavier than traditional ash bats, making it less likely to break. And it seems to work – over 300 MLB players are using the maple bat, including home run record-holder Barry Bonds. Ask how the idea started.
PHONER: 613-724-2421 (Sam Holman-Ottawa ON)
BS Q & A:
Q: Why is the Toronto NHL team called the ‘Leafs’ instead of the ‘Leaves’?
A: There’s no logical answer. When Conn Smythe bought the team and changed the name from Toronto St Patrick’s 75 years ago in 1927, he simply thought it sounded better.
Q: What unusual game is played at a British Universities Championship known as ‘The Silver Wink’, originally established in 1961 by Prince Philip?
Q: A Canada-wide contest was held in 1994 to name the new Toronto NBA team. Which of the following names were considered – the Axis, the Blue Flames, the Mighty Dunks, the Canadian Eh’s, or the Toronto Saurus Rex?
A: Believe it or not, ALL of them!
Q: 98 years ago TODAY (1904) ‘Longacre Square’ received a new name. What do we call it these days?
A: ‘Times Square’ in NYC.
BS TAG LINE:
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents. Maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
A tip of da Bull’s horns to this week’s BS samplers that include – Bob Zany @ KYYY Bismarck ND, Alice Chisnall @ The Planet 97 Nelson NZ, Gaurav Sharma @ Radio Today, New Delhi, India, and Marquis Lofton @ WSTU Atlanta GA. Remember, we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new BS subscriber you refer!