Wednesday, April 3, 2002 Edition: #2267
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Sean Penn, Harry Connick Jr and Kevin Bacon are said to be battling for the chance to play late singing legend Frank Sinatra in an as-yet-untitled new movie . . . After a series of box office flops that includes “Domestic Disturbance”, “Swordfish”, “Lucky Numbers” and “Battlefield Earth” (worst film ever made?), John Travolta appears to have found someone else to blame, firing his longtime manager Jonathan Krane . . . An Australian Rugby League coach is accusing Russell Crowe of breaking the league’s anti-tampering laws by trying to lure several players to his favorite team, South Sydney (does this guy PRACTISE being a jerk?) . . . Britney Spears’ new NYC restaurant will NOT be named Pinky’s (ex-bf Justin Timberlake’s nickname for her) as previously announced, but instead will now be called ‘NYLA’, the abbreviations for New York and Louisiana . . . Is there a TV show more demeaning to women than ABC’s new reality/game show “The Bachelor”, with all those women fawning and kowtowing to get the attention of one guy? (at least FOX-TV’s infamous “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?” had a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor about it!).
21ST CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Easter Eggs’ – hidden treats on DVDs, including out-takes, deleted scenes, interviews and documentaries. Sometimes they are hidden so well that a series of elaborate steps are needed to open them. This has become such a pastime there’s now a Website devoted to them – dvdeastereggs.com. How’d this come about? The huge storage capacity of DVDs allows lots of extra goodies to be included. (“Hey, did you find that Green Fairy easter egg on ‘Moulin Rouge’?”)
• ‘Bag On’ — slang term meaning to tease, nag or complain. (“Why’s she keep bagging on me about showing up late?”)
• ‘Boudoir Chic’ — a new rage in Britain which has spawned a wave of upmarket ‘erotic boutiques’ run by women for women, injecting glamour and style into the sex industry. The upscale sex shops feature pricey items like hand-painted silk chemises and high-tech sex toys. Says one shop owner, “Great sex is a little like a designer handbag, a luxurious treat.”
THIS MONTH is “National Humor Month”. A new Canada-wide Ipsos-Reid poll for the Comedy Network finds –
• 67% of respondents think men are funnier than women. (That may seem sexist, but go ahead – name a famously funny Canadian woman.)
• Newfoundlanders are considered the most humorous Canadians, Prince Edward Islanders the least. (And in typical Canadian fashion, that offends both provinces.)
• 83% say a sense of humor is more important in a mate than good looks. (With my looks, a sense of humor is a requirement.)
• 85% say there is a distinct brand of ‘Canadian humor’ (ie: “Red Green” vs “Friends”).
• 71% say the Canadian sense of humor is more sophisticated than the American. (ie: “This Hour Has 22 Minutes” vs “Mad TV”)
WANNA TRADE FOR A BLACK LUNG?
A new poll from the Canadian Cancer Society finds that 76% of us are in favor of those graphic images of diseased organs that are now featured on Canadian cigarette packaging. Even 59% of smokers say they support the warnings. (Likely because smokers just ignore the pictures. Why not spend money on quit smoking programs instead?)
• A new study from New Zealand finds that laughter is more likely to trigger an asthma attack than exercise, allergy or pollution. The research shows that fully a third of asthma attacks in children are laughter-induced. For this reason, researchers advise that children with asthma should NOT be tickled. (One example when laughter ISN’T the best medicine.)
• In a new Primedia poll, 78% of parents says it’s wrong for sick children to be sent to school because they endanger the health of other kids. But 12% think kids will get sick inevitably and it really doesn’t matter if sick children go to school or not. (Well good, let’s call these people when we need last-minute daycare.)
DOOBIES MAKE YOU DUMB:
A new Carleton University study shows that marijuana makes you stupid, but only temporarily. YESTERDAY’s “Canadian Medical Association Journal” reports the study shows heavy marijuana use seems to drive down IQ by an average of 4 points, but the intelligence returns when users kick the habit. (Fore more info, see Sean Penn in the classic movie “Fast Times at Ridgemount High”.)
THEIR CHEEKS ARE PINK:
They’ve screwed up again! Remember those astronomers at Johns Hopkins University who first announced that the universe is colored ‘turquoise’ when viewed from far away, then revised it to ‘beige’ a few weeks later due to an ‘error in calculations’? Well, now they’ve corrected themselves once more, advising us that our universe is — no kidding, they really, really mean it this time — salmon-colored. (Who’s in charge of this project – Martha Stewart?)
IT’S IN THE BAG:
The makers of ‘Stadium Pal’, a $25 strap-on catheter that allows male sports fans to relieve themselves without leaving their seats, have now introduced a female version – ‘Stadium Gal’. We won’t go into details of how it works, but basically it involves tubing, adhesive glue and a reservoir. OK you’re right, it sounds ludicrous — until you consider how much it costs you to leave your $200 seat at a basketball game and line up at a restroom for a half-hour. (BS has a similar product available with your call letters on it – ‘Studio Pal’.)
JFK JR REVISITED:
Richard Blow, former executive editor of John F Kennedy Jr’s now-defunct magazine “George” has a new memoir about Kennedy coming out called “American Son”. Among the revelations — in the last days of his life JFK Jr had a titanic argument with his wife that ended with him sleeping in a hotel, he held talks about Rupert Murdoch buying his magazine, and he promised a friend he would not fly his own plane without an instructor. (He did anyway.)
BS INTERNATIONAL MOOS:
• Religious leaders in Romania are worried that a planned ‘Dracula’ theme park in Transylvania province will attract ‘Satanists’ to the country. (Just like Disney World attracts people who are goofy.)
• 26-year-old Thanyaporn Thanyasiri has won the “Miss Tiffany” pagaent in the resort city of Pattaya, Thailand, an annual beauty contest open only to — transvestites. As the newly-crowned ‘Miss Tiffany’, he (she? It?) receives $2,300, a car, plane tickets and the right to represent Thailand in the “Miss Queen of Universe Contest“ later this year.
• According to a UK survey, most Brit women say food is more important than sex when it comes to making them happy. Fully 79% say what they eat is more crucial to their well-being than sex. (And we all know how bad British food is, so the sex must be atrocious!)
THE BULL SHEET 04.03.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1924  Marlon Brando, Omaha NE, huge movie actor (8 Academy Award nominations, 2 Oscars-“The Godfather”, “On the Waterfront”)
1942  Wayne Newton, Roanoke VA, aging pop singer who’s become a Las Vegas institution, playing to a sold-out crowd 6 nights a week at the Stardust Hotel (“Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast”, “Danke Schöen”)
1958  Alec Baldwin, Massapequa NY, movie actor (“Pearl Harbor”, “Ghosts of Mississippi”)/ex-Mr Kim Basinger NEXT FILM: The Vietnam War Drama “The Path to War”, opening MAY 18
1959  David Hyde Pierce, Saratoga Springs NY, TV actor (3 Emmys as Niles Crane-“Frasier”, since 1993)
1961  Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn NY, film actor (“Dr Doolittle 1 & 2”, “Nutty Professor 1 & 2”, “Shrek”) NEXT MOVIE: The space comedy “The Adventures of Pluto Nash”, opening AUGUST 16
1986  Amanda Bynes, Thousand Oaks CA, movie actress (“Big Fat Liar”)/TV actress (“The Amanda Show”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day”, a day when we’re encouraged to enjoy work, not just endure it — even though 66% of us say we’re unhappy with our jobs.
TODAY is “Armenian Appreciation Day”. Armenia is a small country bordering the Black Sea which most recently re-gained its independence in 1991. It’s history of invasion and genocide has led to Armenians fleeing and settling around-the-world. Famous folks with Armenian heritage include Canadian film director Atom Egoyan, Canadian children’s entertainer Raffi (Cavoukian), singer Gwen Sefani, tennis player Andre Agassi, Cher (Sarkissian), chess champ Gary Kasparov, ‘suicide doc’ Dr Kevorkian, and late “Chipmunks” creator Ross Baghdasarian.
THIS WEEK is “Week of the Young Child”, so here’s some BS . . .
WISE ADVICE FROM WIDDLE KIDS:
• Never trust a dog to watch your food.
• When your Dad is mad and asks you “Do I look like I’m stupid?” — don’t answer him.
• When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
• Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to.
• You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she’s on the phone.
SATURDAY is the 24th annual “Spamarama” in Austin TX, the annual ‘pandemonious party of potted meat’ featuring the ‘Spamalympics’, ‘Spam Toss’, ‘Wild Spam Call’, and ‘Spam Putt’.
PHONER: 512-447-1605/512-834-1827 (Spamarama Hotline)]
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1953  “TV Guide” is published for the first time (the mag is beginning a year of celebration leading up to its 50th anniversary, including TV specials, an anniversary logo and other activities)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981  One-legged Arnie Boldt of Saskatoon jumps 6′-8 1/4″ (now in Canadian Sports Hall of Fame)
1984  Opening of Lulu’s Roadhouse with ‘world’s longest bar’ at 340 feet (Kitchener ON)
1985  Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24 hours in London ENG
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Tell-A-Lie Day
[Thurs] Canadian Comedy Awards
[Fri] Alcohol Free Weekend
[Sun] Daylight Saving Time begins
[Sun] Tartan Day
Golden Rule Week
National Library Week
National Bike Safety Month
National Anxiety Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUESTIONS NOT TO ASK IN A JOB INTERVIEW:
• “What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?”
• “How long does it take your company’s bloated bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?”
• “Could I get an office that’s really close to an exit?”
• “Who’s the ugly skank in that picture on your desk?”
• “Does your company med insurance consider herpes a pre-existing condition?”
• “How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?”
• “Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks porn Websites?”
• “How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?”
FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following are facts, one is pure hooey. But which one?
1. Cleopatra was her own sister-in-law.
2. Aristotle ate crickets.
3. Christopher Columbus was trained to be a map-maker. (BS. He was trained to be a weaver.)
BS Q & A:
Q: You’re traveling in Denmark and for breakfast order a coffee and ‘Weinerbrod’ (VEE-nuhr-brote). What the heck is it?
A: That’s Danish for ‘Vienna Bread’, what we call Danish pastry or simply — a ‘Danish’.
Q: NYC socialite Mary Phelps Jacobs made the first one using ribbons and handkerchiefs, and obtained a patent for it in 1914. What was it?
A: An alternative to the corset — the first ‘brassiere’.
BS TAG LINE:
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Member of Parliament . . . but I repeat myself.