Friday, April 20, 2001 Edition: #2038
SUNDAY is the 31st anniversary “Earth Day”, purportedly the largest environmental event worldwide, however it seems to have lost some of its impact in the last few years.
BS SIGNS ‘EARTH DAY’ IS RUNNING OUT OF STEAM:
• All too often confused with ‘Smurf Day’.
• CBC Newsworld coverage of this year’s event is brought to you by Inco.
• Saying you’re a member of Greenpeace just doesn’t have the same pickup power in bars anymore.
• Sting now shows up for Save the Rain Forest benefits in a Lincoln Navigator.
• In 1990, organizers actually got Shelley Long to come out for it. In 2000, organizers actually got Shelley Long to come out for it.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Eminem is reportedly house-hunting in Britain (he won’t get off with probation if he’s caught packing there!) . . . One reason he may be looking is ex-wife Kim Mathers is building a new $1.5-million-shack — right NEXT DOOR to his Detroit mansion . . . Julia Roberts & Adam Sandler may join forces on a comedy flick focusing on ‘Niagara’, that controversial new ‘wonder drink’ touted as the female version of Viagra (she needs to be in an Adam Sandler film like I need Viagra) . . . Charlie Sheen is reportedly getting his dozen or so tattoos removed (including the one on ‘Little Charlie’ that says “Over 1 billion served”) . . . Montreal-born Caroline Rhea, who plays ‘Hilda’ on “Sabrina The Teenage Witch”, is in talks to replace Rosie O’Donnell when Rosie quits her talk gig next year . . . And Jack Nicholson is said to be in shock after being dumped by his 32-years-younger-girlfriend, “The Practice” star Lara Flynn Boyle, for someone more her age, TV bit actor Eric Dane.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Tom Green in the gross-out comedy “Freddy Got Fingered”, in which he masturbates both a horse and an elephant, sucks on a cow’s udder, climbs into a deer’s bloody carcass and bites through an umbilical cord, BUT he’s proud to point out – there are no fart jokes . . . Here’s a fresh idea – “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles” (aka ‘Croc 3′), presumably made because Paul Hogan & wife Linda Kozlowski can’t get work elsewhere (everybody together now – “That’s not a knife, THIS is a knife”).
GET A GRIP, CANADA!
Thanks to tough federal screening standards for sperm donors there’s a national shortage in Canada, so to speak. That means most Canadian fertility programs are now dependent on a single US sperm bank. (Just what we need – more American jerk-offs.)
SHOULD OLDS ACQUAINTANCE BE FORGOT?
Detroit auto experts are saying North America’s best-selling luxury car from 1950-98, the big ol’ Cadillac, may soon go the way of the Oldsmobile. Why? The 99-year-old Caddy has experienced a 25-year sales decline and the average owner is now aged 63. (Besides, GM can’t keep enough left taillight bulbs in stock.)
BRIEF BEDSHEETS:
To celebrate its 125th anniversary, Jockey shorts is marketing ‘Jockey Underwear Sheets’, adapting the patented ‘Y-front’ peephole to the fitted corners. (Only available in yellow.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.20.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1949 [52] Jessica Lange, Cloquet MN, movie actress (2 Oscars-“Blue Sky”, “Tootsie”)
1951 [50] Luther Vandross, NYC, R&B singer (“Here & Now”, “Power of Love/Love Power”)
1969 [32] Wade Hayes, Bethel Acres OK, country singer (“Highways & Heartaches”)
1972 [29] Carmen Electra, Cincinnati OH, movie actress (“Scary Movie”)/ex-Mrs Dennis Rodman now hangin’ with ex-Red Hot Chili Pepper Dave Navarro
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1915 [86] Anthony Quinn, Chihuahua MEX, film actor (2 Oscars-“Viva Zapata”, “Lust for Life”)
1926 [75] Queen Elizabeth II (Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Mountbatten-Windsor), London ENG
1958 [43] Andie MacDowell, Gaffney SC, movie actress (“Michael”, “Four Weddings and a Funeral”) NEXT FILM: “Town & Country” with Warren Beatty, opening soon
1959 [42] Michael Timmins, Toronto ON, pop musician (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”)
1965 [36] Ed “Psycho Eddie” Belfour, Carman MB, NHL goalie (‘99 Stanley Cup-Dallas Stars)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Sunday is the “Summit of the Americas” in Quebec City, a major conflab attended by 34 countries to discuss creating a free-trade area of the Americas. And it’s a money-maker – Canada’s biggest corporations have ponied up millions to sponsor events, thus buying access to world leaders. (The ‘Tim Bit Breakfast’ will be followed by the ‘Royal Bank Bathroom Break’ and the ‘Canadian Tire Motorcade’ to ‘The Brick’s Don’t-Pay-A-Cent Treaty Signing Event’.)
Talk about your BS! The annual week-long “World Cow Chip Throwing Championships” wind up THIS WEEKEND in Beaver OK, when chip disturbers compete to be crowned ‘King of the Chippers’.
PHONER: 580-625-4726 NET: http://www.whatsgoingon.com/coolest/place/20010225/
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1879 [122] 1st ‘mobile home’ unveiled in London (leads to “Jerry Springer Show”)
1973 [28] Canada’s “ANIK A2″ becomes world’s 1st ‘commercial satellite’ (Earth orbit is now home to over 500 satellites and it’s estimated another 1,000 will be launched within the next decade)
1993 [08] Shania Twain’s self-titled 1st album released (with not a single hit, but it caused Nashville to note her considerable vocal abilities, leading to breakthrough album “The Woman In Me”)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1992 [09] World record ‘house of cards’ measures 75 feet high
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] NBA playoffs begin (‘Go Grizzlies’! Oh, I guess not. Maybe ‘Go South Grizzles’?)
[Sun] National Jelly Bean Day (Best flavor? Pina Colada!)
[Mon] TV-Turnoff Week begins (aka ‘Anne Robinson Week’)
[Mon] World Lab Animal Day (Save the chimps from the chumps!)
[Wed] Administrative Professionals Day (formerly Secretaries Day)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
You’re in Germany. What should you never do with your left hand while shaking hands with your right? [Keep it in a pocket. Germans consider it impolite and bad etiquette.]
BS TAG LINE:
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.
