Tuesday, April 17, 2001 Edition: #2035
APRIL is “Worldwide Innovation Month”, so here’s a look at some weird new products that have actually been patented. Whether they’ll ever make it to market is a different matter.
• ‘The Bumper Dumper’ – A port-o-potty that connects to the trailer hitch of your vehicle, perfect for campers . . . and exhibitionists.
• ‘The Spoon Truss’ – Basically a spoon with an attached bracelet, so parents don’t have to be continuously picking up a utensil tossed from a toddler’s highchair. This one actually makes some sense!
• ‘Floating Shade’ – A helium-filled 3-foot disc that’s attached by strings to the shoulders, thus floating overhead to provide hands-free personal shade. And lots of admiring comments at the beach, no doubt.
• ‘The Arm Mitten’ – A solar-proof mitten that extends from the fingers all the way up to the armpit, for people who drive with one arm leaning out the car window. Helps prevent embarrassing ‘trucker burn’ and ‘farmer tan’.
• ‘The Diaper Alarm’ – A sensor that straps onto diapers so that when baby wets, a mild electrical conduction along his/her skin activates blinking lights and an audible alarm. Our baby had a similar device built right in — the 50dB scream.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
People will be talking about LAST NIGHT’S NBC-TV debut of “The Weakest Link”, featuring the oh-so-nasty original host from the popular UK version, Anne Robinson (“You are the weakest link . . . GOODBYE!”) . . . NBC is also developing the reality show “Lost”, where 3 pairs of strangers are flown from NYC to a secret remote location and the first to make it back to the starting point wins (how about a radio version?) . . . The prospect of a break-up seems no prob for the Spice Girls – ‘Baby Spice’ Emma Bunton’s “What Took You So Long” is currently #1 on UK charts, making her the 4th Spice Girl to top the pops solo (only 3 Beatles did it) . . . And this has become de rigeur – LAST WEEK’S “Survivor” reject Amber Brkich says she’s considering posing nude for “Playboy” (she’ll decide as soon as Jerri calls to tell her what to do).
TODAY’S VIDEO & DVD RELEASES:
Clint Eastwood directed and stars in the geezer astronaut adventure “Space Cowboys”, co-starring Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland & James Garner . . . The critically-acclaimed Brit drama “Billy Elliot” stars newcomer Jamie Bell as an 11-year-old boy who takes up ballet in a northern England mining town . . . Mark Wahlberg & Joaquin Phoenix co-star in the crime drama “The Yards”.
HOW TO KEEP THE GUY:
Psychiatrist Dr Mark Rubenstein says the way to a man’s heart is through his ego. All you have to do is flatter him about the following:
• Sexuality — Tell him he’s great in bed. There’s no better compliment for a man.
• Physical — Tell him he’s strong or masculine.
• Appearance — Tell him how good looking he is, but don’t call him ‘cute’. Puppies are cute.
• Sensual — Tell him you love the sound of his voice, or that you like the way he smells.
• Occupation — Flatter his job responsibilities. Tell him you’re proud of what he does.
• Dress & grooming — Say that his suits always look good on him, that he looks like Mel Gibson.
(So basically, the way to keep a man is – lie like a rug!)
THE BULL SHEET 04.17.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1964  Ken Daneyko, Windsor ON, NHL defenceman (NJ Devils)
1966  Lela Rochon, LA CA, TV actress (Inspector Angela Reid -“The Division”)/movie actress (“Any Given Sunday”, “Waiting to Exhale”)
1975  Victoria Adams, Goff’s Oak ENG, pop singer (Spice Girls-“Too Much”)/married to English soccer star David Beckham
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is officially “Law Day” in Canada, a day set aside by the Canadian Bar Association to commemorate our Charter of Rights & Freedoms. (Lawyers don’t wear turtlenecks — they’re just uncircumcised.)
TODAY is “National Cheeseball Day”, so who would you like to nominate?
ON THIS DAY . . .
1996  Britain’s Prince Andrew & Sarah ‘Fergie’ Ferguson divorce
1996  Former PM Brian Mulroney’s $50-million libel suit vs federal government over Airbus kickback allegations is settled out-of-court
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1869  1st ‘pro’ baseball game (Cincinnati Reds 24, Cincinnati Amateurs 15)
1994  1st NHLer with 2,500 points (who else? Wayne Gretzky)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1997  New Jersey Devil Martin Brodeur becomes 2nd goalie in NHL history to score a playoff goal (joining Philadelphia’s Ron Hextall)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] NBA regular season ends
[Thurs] Astronaut Chris Hadfield blasts off on way to becoming first Canadian to walk in space
Library Forgiveness Week (when many libraries drop fines on overdue books, but the librarian still gives you ‘that look’)
National Lawn & Garden Month (expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What do you now do by e-mail that you use to do on paper or in person?” (In a new Hotmail poll, 44% of respondents say they now consider an electronic thank-you note acceptable, and 10% of female respondents say they’ve dumped boyfriends by e-mail!)
Which of the following was NOT invented by a Canadian?
• 5 Pin Bowling [A truly Canadian sport invented by TE Ryan of Toronto in 1909.]
• The Electric Organ [Morse Robb of Belleville ON patented the world’s first electric organ in 1928.]
• The Pet Rock [Nope. The wildly successful 1975 fad — a rock in a cardboard box — was the brainwave of American ad executive Gary Dahl.]
• Television Camera [Invented by Canadian FCP Henroteau in 1934.]
BS TAG LINE: All dogs look up to you. All cats look down to you. Only a pig looks to you as an equal.