Wednesday, April 4, 2001 Edition: #2026
THE MONTH’S WACKIEST BS TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Charles Bronson’s Brain is For Sale!”
• “Garden of Eden Found in Wisconsin!”
• “Man Sets Lard-Eating Record!”
• “Iraqi Madman’s Pantyhose Secret!”
• “Talking Dolphin Predicts the Future of All Mankind!”
• “Bigmouth Swami Swallows Himself!”
(Thanks to the ever-inventive folks at “Weekly World News”)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Latest word is “Survivor III” will take place in Africa, in the often war-torn Congo (either that or Vancouver during a transit strike) . . . Pamela Anderson and new boyfriend Michael Bolton are teaming up to launch a ‘charity bikini golf tournament’ (he promises to comb his back before teeing off) . . . Who’s the most overpaid – Mariah Carey’s much ballyhooed ‘biggest recording contract of all time’, $25 million per album with Virgin Records, is the same money Texas Ranger Alex Rodriguez (‘A-Rod’) gets per MLB season and Julia Roberts gets per movie . . . Spoof heavy metal band Spinal Tap will hit the road later THIS YEAR for a reunion tour of North America, their first gigs since 1993.
NO SKIPPING ALLOWED:
YESTERDAY a school in Singapore began using mobile phone text messages to automatically notify parents that their children are missing from classes. Names of absentees are placed in an electronic database which the Short Message Service (SMS) uses to contact parents. (Who then beep their kids on their pagers telling them to haul ass back to class.)
NEW “CLEO” MAGAZINE POLL:
Here’s a wacky new poll worth trying on your listeners. Winners in the magazine version are in brackets.
• “Whose fame is hardest to explain? [Eminem]
• “Which newlywed Hollywood couple is most likely to succeed?” [Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston]
• “Which newlywed Hollywood couple is most likely doomed?” [Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob Thornton]
• “Which TV character would you most like to spontaneously combust?” [‘Ally McBeal’]
HAIRS TO YA!
UK women are the most hair-free in Europe, according to a new poll. 80% of British women say they regularly shave legs and underarms. Austria, on the other hand, has Europe’s hairiest women, with only 38% shaving. (And 47% braiding.)
I KEEP HEARING SOMEONE CHANTING ‘LOSER!’:
In his new book “Disembodied Voices”, author Rodney Davies claims that hearing voices is common and not always a sign of madness — most people are just afraid to admit they hear them. Makes you wonder – instead of buying the book, can you just have a voice read it to you? (I have so many voices in my head, I have ‘Voice Waiting’.)
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY:
Reports say that in just one day, a single store sold 60,000 bottles of the new concoction ‘Niagara’, dubbed ‘Viagra’ for women. (And coming soon for those who swing both ways — ‘Biagra’!)
THE BULL SHEET 04.04.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1956 [45] David E Kelley, Waterville ME, TV producer/writer (“Ally McBeal”, “The Practice”, “Boston Public”)/first producer to win Emmys for ‘Outstanding Drama Series’ and ‘Outstanding Comedy Series’ in same year/Mr Michelle Pfeiffer since 1993
1965 [36] Robert Downey Jr, NYC, TV actor (Larry Paul-“Ally McBeal”)/movie actor (“Wonder Boys”, “Bowfinger”) with long history of drug abuse
1971 [30] Yanic Perreault, Sherbrooke PQ, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1979 [22] Natasha Lyonne, NYC, movie actress (“American Pie”) NEXT FILM: “American Pie II” opening in AUGUST
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• TODAY is “National Hug a Newsman Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘People Will Talk Day’.)
• TODAY is “Thank You, School Librarian Day”. (But shhhh! – say it quietly!)
• TODAY is “Ballroom Dancing Day”. (Honoring what may be the next new Olympic sport!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1893 [108] Ontario Legislature opens on site of former lunatic asylum (nothing changes)
1930 [71] 1st ‘Hostess Twinkies’ go on sale
1964 [37] 1st home ‘VCRs’ introduced
1988 [13] 1st MLB player to hit 3 HR in opening day game (George Bell leads Toronto Blue Jays to 5-3 win over Kansas City Royals)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1960 [41] “Ben Hur” wins record 11 Academy Awards (later tied by “Titanic”)
1986 [15] Wayne Gretzky sets NHL record with 213th point of season
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] NHL regular season ends
Publicity Stunt Week
Animal Cruelty Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:
Wisconsin farmer Paul Springer deals in deformed animals with extra limbs and heads, selling them to circuses, freak shows and other farmers. He’s owned a 6-legged calf, several 2-headed calves, a ram with a hoof growing from its side and a donkey with 1 head and 2 bodies. But he has standards — he’ll only buy animals that are not in pain, and they can’t be “gruesome”.
PHONER: 608-623-2691 (Mineral Point WI)
TRUTH OR BS:
• ‘Arachibutyrophobia’ is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. (True!)
• There are 36 dimples on a regulation golf ball. (BS. There are THREE HUNDRED and 36.)
• In Bavaria beer is not an ‘alcoholic drink’, but legally defined as a ‘staple food’. (True! And in Australia it’s a religion.)
• If ‘Barbie’ doll was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions. (True!)
• One-third of the average human brain is water. (BS. It’s actually closer to 80%!)
• Ireland is the country which consumes the most milk per capita. (True, 164 quarts per person per year. Of course, when you say ‘milk’ in Gaelic, it comes out sounding like ‘Guinness’.)
BS TAG LINE: A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
