Tuesday, April 3, 2001 Edition: #2025
BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Do people with psychic powers get nostalgic about next week?
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
• How come anti-globalization protests take place all over the world?
• Why is there only one Monopoly and Mergers Commission?
• If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• Is reading in the bathroom considered ‘multi-tasking’?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band release the 19-song, 2-CD “Live in New York City”, featuring cuts from their recent tour . . . Buzz is Christina Aguilera will get her name on a new fragrance she’s helping to create (‘Eau de Sweaty Dancer’) . . . Word from the “Friends” set is that still-recovering addict Matthew Perry is getting the cold shoulder from fed-up co-stars David Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow (c’mon guys, he deserves at least one more chance to tie Robert Downey Jr’s comeback record).
TODAY’S VIDEO & DVD RELEASES:
Renée Zellweger stars in “Nurse Betty”, a comedy about a widow’s post-traumatic obsession with a soap star . . . Robert Redford’s “The Legend of Bagger Vance” stars Matt Damon as a down-and-out golfer who attempts to recover his game and his life with help from his mystical caddy Will Smith . . . ‘Cruella DeVil’ (Glenn Close) gets out of prison and goes after those darn puppies once more in the Disney sequel “102 Dalmatians”.
NEW GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• Virgin Atlantic Airways will soon be the first airline to offer Internet access from EVERY seat on its planes. (Great, now you’ll be staring at the ‘Occupied’ sign for even longer.)
• Sanyo has unveiled a new cellphone with a 2-inch color screen. What for? How about for ‘Photo Caller ID’? How about as a virtual photo album with ability to store up to 20 pics? How about for $500?
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Animal liberationists are being blamed for the kidnapping of a Swiss family’s pet duck that was snatched from their back yard. A note left behind read, “Please try and understand. I am one of God’s creatures and I need friends and freedom. Please don’t look for me.” (It must be extra tough losing a duck that can write.)
• Australian rugby league player John Hopoate has been charged with “contrary conduct” for allegedly putting his finger up opposing players’ butts and has been fired from his club, the Wests Tigers. (Watch for the upcoming movie, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Finger”.)
• Over 10,000 signatures have been collected on a US petition to end discrimination against — space aliens. An advocacy group claims they’re constantly being demeaned on TV and in movies like “Men in Black”, and wants the “blatantly stereotypical depictions” stopped.
• In a new German poll, 1 in 3 men say they think about sex whenever they hear the word ‘bathroom’. (Not surprising really — that also applies to the word ‘doorknob’, or ‘hangnail’, or ‘waffles’ . . .)
THE BULL SHEET 04.03.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1924 [77] Marlon Brando, Omaha NE, huge actor (Oscars-“The Godfather”, “On the Waterfront”) NEXT FILM: The Robert De Niro heist flick “The Score” opening this JULY
1942 [59] Wayne Newton, Roanoke VA, Vegas lounge singer (“Danke Schöen”) who declared bankruptcy in ‘92, yet was once listed in Guinness Records as world’s highest-paid entertainer
1958 [43] Alec Baldwin, Massapequa NY, film actor (“Ghosts of Mississippi”)/Kim Basinger’s estranged husband NEXT FILM: The war epic “Pearl Harbor” opening MAY 25
1959 [42] David Hyde Pierce, Saratoga Springs NY, TV actor (3 Emmys as Niles Crane-“Frasier”)
1961 [40] Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn NY, film actor (“Bowfinger”, “Nutty Professor I & II”) NEXT FILM: “Dr Doolittle 2” opening JUNE 22
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Don’t Go to Work Unless It’s Fun Day”, a day when we’re encouraged to ENJOY work, not just endure it, even though 66% of us say we’re unhappy with our jobs.
TODAY is “Armenian Appreciation Day”, when we thank them for, um . . .
ON THIS DAY . . .
1991 [10] UN Security Council passes resolution ending ‘Gulf War’
1995 [06] Pamela Wallin axed from CBC “Prime Time News” (best thing that ever happened to her as she now owns her own production company producing multi-media ‘content’)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981 [20] One-legged Arnie Boldt of Saskatoon jumps 6′-8¼” (now in Canadian Sports Hall of Fame)
1984 [17] Opening of Lulu’s Roadhouse with world’s longest bar at 340 feet (Kitchener ON)
1985 [16] Vic Elliot pockets 15,780 pool balls in 24 hours in London ENG
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Thank You, School Librarian Day
[Apr 13] Friday the 13th
Golden Rule Week
International Twit Award Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SFX THEATER:
You read the story line-by-line while a caller or guest provides the SFX. Today’s story is . . .
“THE KIDDIE BIRTHDAY PARTY”
The doorbell rings as guests arrive for your 8-year-old’s birthday party. (SFX) Your daughter and her friends scream when they see each other. (SFX) The goofy clown you hired tries to make the kids laugh. (SFX) He accomplishes the opposite. (SFX) Time to play ‘Pin the Tail on the Donkey’, so you blindfold a kid and spin her around, making her really, really dizzy. (SFX) She ends up pinning the tail on you. (SFX) After everyone sings “Happy Birthday” (SFX), all the kids help blow out the candles (SFX), then argue about who gets a piece with a flower on it. (SFX) And lucky you — you end up with the piece with spit all over it. (SFX)
BS AMAZING FACT:
The NCAA ‘Final Four’ tournament is the 2nd-biggest betting event of the year after the Super Bowl.
BS TAG LINE:
My cat was on a roll this morning. There’s toilet paper from one end of the house to the other.
