Wednesday, April 26, 2000 Edition: #1794
Today is “Professional Secretaries Day”, oops – we mean “Administrative Professionals Day” — renamed to reflect ‘the changing job titles and expanding responsibilities of today’s administrative workforce’. The term ‘secretary’ now covers only a small percentage of office support occupations. (Let’s see, there’s also ‘gofer’ and ‘lackey’ and . . .)
BS SIGNS YOU’VE HIRED A BAD ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT:
• You frequently have to scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.
• You can’t remember the last time you got a letter or a phone call.
• Has a tough time alphabetizing a bag of M&Ms.
• You’ve been going through 12 grand a week in petty cash.
• Instead of makeup, opts for Magic Marker moustache and sideburns.
• Your customers peek around the door during her lunch hour and ask, “Is the coast clear?”
• Staples thumbs together more than once a week.
• People from the “Guinness Book of Records” always showing up to measure her fingernails.
• Keeps asking you to repeat the word ‘Dictaphone’.
• Just can’t get the hang of Post-It Notes.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Shania Twain now has the best-selling album in country music history as “Come On Over” has now crossed the 17-million unit mark, surpassing Garth Brooks (also has a better looking navel) . . . Pamela Anderson and former bf, Poison singer Brett Michaels, are trying to stop an Internet company from selling a home sex video they made (Pam swore this would never happen again, but she blew it) . . . A survey of show biz types selected just 3 actors to a new list of the ‘10 Coolest People in Hollywood’ – Ben Stiller, Angelina Jolie and Heather Graham (the rest are agents, writers, managers and executive types, you know — sleazeballs).
LET’S HOLD A TAG DAY:
Bill Gates is no longer the world’s richest human! Rumors of a possible Microsoft breakup have caused the stock to plummet, costing Gates over $9 billion in net worth. Oracle Corp chief Larry Ellison is now the wealthiest with a net worth of just under $50 billion, about $500-million more than Gates. (Bill says he may have to cancel his daughter’s 4th birthday gift – Australia.)
MY WALLET MELTED ON IPANEMA BEACH:
Brazil is the latest country to adopt money made from plastic, with a new 10 Real bill commemorating the 500th anniversary of Portuguese settlement. It becomes the 14th country using plastic for money. (Big deal, I’ve been doing that for years.)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• “Permalancer” . . . A permanent freelancer hired on a per-project basis. (Sort of like a hooker.)
• “Windows M-E” . . . Nickname for Microsoft’s latest operating system, Windows Millennium. (New feature — every time you choose to close a file Regis Philbin asks, “Final answer?”)
• “In The Plastic Closet” . . . Someone who refuses to admit to having cosmetic surgery. (“Wow, Is Tori Spelling in the plastic closet, or what!?”)
THE BULL SHEET 04.26.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1917 [83] IM (Ieoh Ming) Pei, Shanghai CHI, renowned architect (Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Grand Louvre in Paris FRA)
1933 [67] Carol Burnett, San Antonio TX, TV comedian (Carol Burnett Show)/film actress (The Four Seasons)
1963 [37] Jet Li, Beijing CHI, butt-kicking movie actor (Romeo Must Die, Lethal Weapon IV)/biggest Asian movie star after Jackie Chan/Wu Shu (a martial art) world champion several times NOTE: He and wife Nina just announced the birth of their first child, Jane Li, in LA
1963 [37] Bill Wennington, Montreal PQ, NBA center (Chicago Bulls)/2 Canadian Olympic teams
1965 [35] Kevin James, Stony Brook NY, TV actor (Doug Heffernan-The King of Queens)
1970 [30] Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins, Atlanta GA, R&B/pop singer (TLC-Unpretty, Scrubs, Waterfalls)
1996 [04] Jennifer Katherine Gates, Seattle WA, Bill’s girl/heir to the shrinking Microsoft fortune
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Say “G’day mite” because today is “Hug an Australian Day”, a day to pause and reflect on the contributions of Aussies. (Especially for IOC officials.)
Today is “Richter Scale Day”. The open-ended earthquake scale was invented by American seismologist Charles Richter, born 100 years ago today. (The guy who gave us that classic punchline “Richter? Damn near killed her!”)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 4-day auction of Jackie Onassis estate ends in NYC, netting $34.5 million
1997 Pittsburgh Penguin star ‘Super’ Mario Lemieux finishes up his Hall of Fame career vs Philadelphia in Stanley Cup playoffs
1999 “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” begins airing in HDTV
1999 Announcement that 2 calves have been cloned in Japan from cells found in cow’s milk
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1921 [79] 1st ‘weather reports’ on radio (still the #1 reason people listen to radio)
1941 [59] Chicago Cubs use 1st organ in a baseball stadium (duh duh duh duh da duh – CHARGE!!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Hairball Awareness Day
[Fri] Great Poetry Reading Day
[Fri] Kiss-Your-Mate Day
Reading Is Fun Week
Worldwide Innovation Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You’ve just heard a ‘scroop’. What did you hear?
a) The mating call of a moose. b) The rustle of silk. c) A phlegm-filled cough.
A: According to “Webster’s Dictionary”, ‘scroop’ describes the rustle of silk.
Q: How wide is an official hockey net?
a) 6 feet b) 8 feet c) varies depending on size of arena
A: 6 feet. (Source: Softworks Research)
THE LAST WORD: Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
