Monday, April 24, 2000 Edition: #1792
BS COOL THINGS ABOUT DATING A FARM ANIMAL: (our contribution to “Prevention of Animal Cruelty Month”)
• You get to see them naked before you spend any time or money on them.
• Breaking up the relationship is quick, cheap, and if done right — downright tasty.
• Whips and chains are not only accepted, but expected.
• You can be certain that funny smell isn’t you this time.
• You rarely get called the ‘slow’ one in the relationship.
• No matter what noise they make, it’s always your version of ‘Yes!’.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Star” claims Madonna is planning on having daughter Lourdes cut the umbilical cord when she gives birth to her next bundle of joy. (But she won’t be allowed to run with the scissors.)
• “Daily News” says the London stage production of “The Graduate” is heading to Broadway, thanks in part to Kathleen Turner’s much-talked-about nude scene. But it seems Ms Turner won’t be going along, opting instead to tour in a one-woman show. (We can only hope her role is taken by Rosie O’Donnell.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Sir Paul McCartney’s new girlfriend Heather Mills owns 5 artificial legs, including one that’s made for stiletto heels. (And the buzz is she’s had almost as many fiances as prosthetic legs.)
• “Globe” says 62-year-old Jane Fonda‘s fresh new look since dumping Ted Turner is due to a new ‘do that chopped 12 inches off her locks, and collagen injections that plumped up her cheeks, chin and lips. (Now if she could just do something about that turkey neck!)
• “E! Online” informs us that actor Charlie Sheen is auctioning off some of his baseball memorabilia, including a Ted Williams uniform, a baseball autographed by the infamous Chicago ‘Black Sox’ and the ball that went through Bill Buckner’s legs in the ’86 World Series, dashing Boston’s hopes. (You can also bid on a gift certificate from the barber who cut his hair for the movie “Major League”.)
BECAUSE WE WANTED BLUE MILK:
Something new in the supermarket this week – ‘Oreo Magic Dunkers’, Oreo cookies that magically turn milk blue when they’re dunked. Nabisco promises the flavorless food coloring washes off easily. (That’s what the bank teller said when she handed me that dye pack. Can’t wait till Junior comes running out of the bathroom yelling, “Hey mom, look what I did!”)
FLYING FLAME:
This afternoon at 4:15 EDT, Australian-born NASA astronaut Dr Andy Thomas is scheduled to blast off into space aboard the shuttle “Atlantis” carrying the Olympic torch, making the Sydney 2000 torch the most-traveled in history. (Surprising no one ever thought of this before – carrying an open flame in a confined space surrounded by 20 tons of combustible fuel.)
LOONEY, TOONEY, MOONEY?:
The Royal Canadian Mint is studying a couple of changes to Canadian money — the possibility of creating a 5-dollar coin, and the elimination of the penny. (Getting rid of the penny makes sense (or maybe less ‘cents’), but any more weighty large denomination coins and we’re in for an outbreak of falling pants!)
THE BULL SHEET 04.24.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [67] Alan Eagleson, Toronto ON, ex-NHLPA President/ex-former lawyer/ex-hockey player agent/ex-Hockey Hall of Famer/ex-con convicted of fraud
1934 [66] Shirley MacLaine, Richmond VA, movie actress (Oscar-Terms of Endearment)/Warren Beatty’s big sister (also born 1894, 1602, 1739, 76 BC, etc)
1942 [58] Barbra Streisand, Brooklyn NY, pop singer (Tell Him)/movie actress (Oscar-Funny Girl)/film director (Mirror Has Two Faces) who’s won Oscar, Emmy & Grammy Awards/Mrs James Brolin
1968 [32] Tracy Gravely, CFL linebacker (Montreal Alouettes)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
This week is the newly-named “Administrative Professionals Week”, formerly “Professional Secretaries Week”, highlighted by “Administrative Professionals Day” on Wednesday. According to a poll by FTD florists, 33% of what we used to call secretaries admit they secretly hate their boss.
This week is also the 6th annual “National TV-Turnoff Week”. The idea was first proposed by Marie Winn in her 1977 book “The Plug-In Drug”, then made an international event by Media Foundation of Vancouver. The good news is we ARE watching less TV. Bad news is, the Internet has replaced it!
PHONER: 800-663-1243 (Media Foundation)
NET: www.adbusters.org
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1992 David Bowie marries supermodel Iman in Switzerland (there’s another Bowie in the oven)
1996 Petr Nedved scores with 44 secs left in 4th OT to end longest NHL game in 60 years and give Pittsburgh 3-2 victory over Washington Capitals
1996 Disoriented Canadian actress Margot Kidder found in Glendale CA woodpile suffering from manic depression (she’s made a dramatic recovery and is regularly working in movies and TV)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901 [99] 1st ‘American League’ baseball game (Chicago White Sox 8, Cleveland Indians 2)
1983 [17] 1st snooker player with maximum 147-point break in World Championship (Canada’s Cliff Thorburn)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Zucchini Bread Day
[Tues] National Good Phone Day
[Wed] National Pretzel Day
[Wed] Richter Scale Day
[Thurs] Tell A Story Day
Sports Eye Safety Month (how appropriate it’s during the Stanley Cup playoffs)
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“What overused words or phrases should be banned from the English language?” (Maybe ‘24/7′?. Or ‘at the end of the day’? And how ‘bout the two words ‘Elian Gonzalez’? He now ranks 2nd all-time in ‘celebrity coverage’ in the media, after OJ Simpson.)
Q: “Erin Brockovich” is still ringing up box office, but which is Julia Robert’s highest-grossing film?
A: “Pretty Woman”, which grossed a total of $178.4 million.
THE LAST WORD: The Two Rules of Success — #1. Don’t tell everything you know . . .
