Friday, April 21, 2000 Edition: #1791
BS REASONS THE EASTER BUNNY BRINGS EGGS:
• Big-ass tax write-off.
• Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.
• Pressure from Egg Marketing Board.
• Otherwise companies that make that fake grass would be forced to lay off thousands.
• Because if he brought turkeys he’d be the ‘Thanksgiving Bunny’.
• Would you want to hunt for waffles?
• Thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.
• Because the Energizer bunny got the good job.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Halle Berry is due back in LA court today after pleading not guilty to a misdemeanor charge of leaving the scene of an accident . . . ABC News WILL run ‘portions’ of Leonardo DiCaprio’s infamous controversial interview with Bill Clinton as part of an Earth Day Special tomorrow (‘real’ TV journalists are so upset about an actor playing journalist that they’re threatening to quit using TelePrompTers, pancake makeup and the fuzzy-cam that removes all their wrinkles on-screen) . . . Geoffrey Giuliano’s new book “Lennon in America” claims John Lennon had a sexual encounter with his mother at age 15, sexual fantasies about Barbara Walters (ewww!), and he beat both Yoko and son Sean (do you sense a lawsuit in the offing?) . . . Producers Richard & Lili Zanuck, who were responsible for this year’s unbelievably LOOOONNNGGG Oscars show, have vowed never to produce another one (can we get that in writing?) . . . . Mother Bernadette Mary, better known as Irish singer Sinéad O’Connor, has just been promoted to ‘Archdeacon’ by the Catholic splinter group, Tridentine Church, in recognition of her work with Dublin’s homeless (John Paull 2 was apparently so upset by the news, he ripped up her poster).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Matthew (‘beat my bongos naked’) McConaughey and Bill Paxton star in the WW2 action thriller “U-571” about an American sub on a daring mission to capture a decoding device from a stranded Nazi U-boat . . . “Dawson Creek” star Joshua Jackson in the drama “Gossip”, about a college project on gossip that spirals out of control and leads to false accusations of rape . . . Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan play life-long buds who first meet on a neighborhood basketball court in the drama “Love and Basketball”.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• French choreographer Kitsou Dubois has just been awarded a British grant to study whether astronauts can better prepare for weightlessness by dancing. (Ask ‘Ally McBeal’)
• A British gallery is currently exhibiting one artist’s interpretation of the agonies of a bed wetting. His masterpiece — a pee-stained sheet.
• An Austrian TV station is hyping a tabloid show with a contest. Grand prize — a breast enlargement operation! (“Just watch the tube for bigger boobs!”)
• 17-year-old Sheet Harbour NS high school student Gary Falkenham may face criminal charges for wearing Dippity Do hair gel and Aqua Velva deodorant to school after a teacher complained he violated the school’s ‘no-scent policy’. (More like a ‘nonsense’ policy.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.21.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1915 [85] Anthony Quinn (Quiñones), Chihuahua MEX, film actor (Oscars-Viva Zapata, Lust for Life)/father to 13 children FACTOID: Has appeared in more movies with Oscar-winning actors than any other Oscar-winning actor — 46 films with 28 Oscar-winning actors and 18 actresses.
1926 [74] Queen Elizabeth II (Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Mountbatten-Windsor), London ENG, Her most Excellent Majesty Elizabeth the 2nd, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, of Great Britain & Northern Ireland, and of Her other Realms & Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth & Defender of the Faith (they forgot ‘Mother of Dysfunctional Family’)
1958 [42] Andie MacDowell, Gaffney SC, film actress (Michael, Four Weddings And A Funeral)
1959 [41] Michael Timmins, Toronto ON, pop musician (Cowboy Junkies-Misguided Angel)/Margo Timmins’ brother
1965 [35] Ed “Psycho Eddie” Belfour, Carman MB, NHL goalie (‘99 Stanley Cup-Dallas Stars)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1928 [72] Aaron Spelling, Dallas TX, really rich TV/film producer/Tori Spelling’s dad
1937 [63] Jack Nicholson, Neptune NJ, film actor (Oscars-As Good As It Gets, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Terms of Endearment)
1959 [41] Ryan Stiles, Seattle WA, TV actor (Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Lewis-Drew Carey Show)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Christian] Good Friday (oldest Christian observance)
Today is “Kindergarten Day”, honoring the 1782 birth of German educator Friedrich Froebel, who established the 1st kindergarten in 1837.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 Chicago Bulls wrap up NBA’s best-ever regular season with 72nd victory
1997 Ottawa Senator fans wave signs reading “Buddha Power” to celebrate first home playoff game
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1997 [03] 1st ‘space funeral’ as ashes of LSD advocate Timothy Leary and “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry are sent into orbit
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] NBA playoffs begin
[Sat] Earth Day
[Sat] National Jelly Bean Day
[Sun] Administrative Professionals Week (formerly Secretaries Week)
[Mon] TV-Turnoff Week
National Poetry Month
BS EASTER TRIVIA:
• The word ‘Easter’ comes from the name of the ancient goddess of spring — ‘Eostre’.
• Easter falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the first day of Spring.
• The earliest possible date for Easter is March 22nd, the latest is April 25th.
• Trees decorated with Easter eggs started in Germany in the 1800s.
• If you have the hots for someone, give ’em an orange Easter egg — it shows ‘attraction and desire’.
THE LAST WORD:
There’s only one good thing about Alzheimer’s — you get to hide your own Easter eggs.
