Wednesday, April 12, 2000                                               Edition:  #1784

Tonight the long road to the Stanley Cup begins as the NHL playoffs get underway.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DIE-HARD HOCKEY FAN IF . . .
• You punish your kids with ‘minors’,’majors’ and ‘misconducts’.
• When you come an intersection and the light turns red, you start cheering.
• You refer to your trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame as ‘the pilgrimage’.
• Everything in your house has been fixed with hockey tape.
• You totally annihilate your chess opponent when he says ‘Check’.
• Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
• Your daughter’s named ‘Gordie’.
• Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Sophomore mom Madonna reportedly plans to birth her next babe in an exclusive private hospital that features upscale accoutrements like a wine list and in-house beauty salon (she may be rich but she still puts her stretchy maternity pants on one swollen leg at a time) . . .  We hear that Jennifer Love Hewitt’s little Chihuahua did big time damage by chewing $2,000-worth of her Italian designer shoes (she’s suffered from ‘puppy noses’ before, but never in her shoes) . . . CBS-TV is putting together a US version of the German TV show “Big Brother” in which 9 strangers are thrown together in a house for 100 days while constantly being videotaped (what could be more exciting than lying on the couch watching someone on TV lying on the couch watching TV?).

DIVVYING UP THE ‘DOTS’:
The 49 inhabitants of Pitcairn Island in the South Pacific finally have their Internet ‘country code’ back. The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers has confiscated the ‘dot-pn’ code from a UK marketing company that had purchased it from Pitcairn resident Tom Christian, the great-great-great grandson of Fletcher Christian, famous for leading the mutiny on the “Bounty”. To prevent other country codes from being sold off, ICANN is considering introducing a new group of generic domain suffixes like ‘dot-shop’, ‘dot-bank’ and ‘dot-info’. (They could free up about 2 million domains by creating ‘dot-porn’.)

REMOTE CONTROL ECONOMICS:
Did you know how often you ‘zap’ a TV channel depends on your income? People who earn $40,000/year only flip channels every 6 minutes on average, while those earning $70,000/year change every 3 minutes. (I surf about every 4 seconds, so I must be a billionaire.)

THE HOMER HAT:
Stan Boyd of San Diego is marketing the new “Game Hat”, a 20-buck baseball cap that’s designed to catch baseballs when held by the visor. When the ball hits the hat, a built-in pocket pops out and traps it. Perfect for all those bleacher creatures trying to snare home runs! (If this does well, he’s also working on a catcher’s mitt that’s meant to be worn as an attractive fedora.)

We bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each & every new BS subscriber you refer!

THE BULL SHEET 04.12.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1947     [53] David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, TV talk host/comedian (Late Show with David Letterman)
1956     [44] Andy Garcia, Havana CUB, film actor (Desperate Measures, Godfather III)
1957    [43] Vince Gill, Norman OK, country singer (I Still Believe in You, When Love Finds You)/new CD out April 18 called Let’s Make Sure We Kiss Goodbye/Mr Amy Grant
1968    [32] Adam Graves, Toronto ON, NHL winger (NY Rangers)
1971     [29] Shannen Doherty, Memphis TN, TV actress (Prue Halliwell-Charmed)
1971    [29] Nicholas Brendon, LA CA, TV actor (Alexander “Xander” Harris-Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
1971    [29] Kent Manderville, Edmonton AB, NHL center (Philadelphia Flyers)
1979    [21] Claire Danes, NYC, movie actress (Mod Squad, The Rainmaker, Romeo & Juliet)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “Thank You, School Librarian Day”, a day for students to express gratitude to the person they’ve grown to know and love through ten thousand detentions.

More than 30 countries are expected to participate in today’s 5th annual “International Noise Awareness Day”. The publication “Noise Watch” notes that because of an increased awareness and concern for noise, the “San Francisco Chronicle” now includes ‘noise ratings’ with its restaurant reviews.
PHONER: 519-826-5833 (Noise Watch-Guelph ON)
NET: http://www3.sympatico.ca/noise

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1992    Euro Disney opens in Marne-la-Vallee FRA (now called Disneyland Paris)
1994    Exotic dancer Chesty Love legally claims surgical breast implants as a ‘business expense’
1996    Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia are declared the world’s tallest buildings

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1967     [33] “O Canada” officially becomes national anthem (bet you don’t know all the words)
1980     [20] Terry Fox begins “Marathon of Hope” in St John’s NF
1988    [12] 1st time an animal life form is patented as Harvard University registers a ‘genetically engineered mouse’

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Scrabble Day
National Garden Week (most often celebrated by the neighbor’s dog)
National Medical Laboratory Week (to celebrate, fill a paper cup)
International Amateur Radio Month (say hi to the guys at [your competition])

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WAYS TO MAKE HOCKEY MORE EXCITING FOR NON-FANS:
• Goalies remove article of clothing for each goal allowed.
• Goal only counts if preceded by a ‘flying camel’ or a ‘sit spin’.
• Last minute of each period — lights out!
• Between-period races in hopped-up Zambonis.
• Replace “Coach’s Corner” with ‘Grapes’ vs MacLean cage match.
• Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup.
• Replace linesmen’s whistle with swingin’ alto sax.
• Blindfolds.

THE LAST WORD: Dogs can’t smell fear, but they can smell wet pants.