Monday, April 10, 2000 Edition: #1782
Today is “Golfers Day”, on the anniversary of the first PGA championship in 1916, honoring everyone who walks a mile chasing the little white ball. So here’s a look at . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’RE THE WORLD’S WORST GOLFER:
• You steadfastly refuse to use the big end of the club like everybody else.
• Tiger’s sponsored by Nike. You’re sponsored by Payless.
• You’re still annoyed at how all your golf stick thingies have different size metal end thingies on them.
• A hoe and a trip to the nursery required to replace your divots.
• You thought Jack Nicklaus was great in “As Good As It Gets”.
• 2 weeks-worth of practice at your local course and that damn windmill is still beating you.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “People” mag notes that Whitney Houston is scheduled to sing at tonight‘s 25th anniversary bash for her record company, Arista. Her recent no-shows have included the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame dinner and, of course, the infamous Academy Awards debacle. (Bets on tonight?)
• “E! Online” notes that disgraced “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?” jerk Rick Rockwell is starting an Internet personals site called Sbforlove.com. Starting today people can register to get matched up. By the way, the ‘Sb’ stands for ‘successful bachelors’. (We thought it stood for ‘scum bucket’.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Jennifer Aniston has ordered the crew of her new film “Metal God” not to come into her trailer when Brad Pitt is visiting. (If the trailer’s rockin’ . . .)
• “Globe” claims Julia Roberts doesn’t want to marry buff bf Benjamin Bratt, but she wants his baby. (Sheesh, who’d want a Bratt kid?)
• In his never-ending quest to get in shape, “Star” reports that Drew Carey has had a home gym installed that features — a ballet bar. (Now there’s a nightmare mental picture – Drew Drew in a tutu.)
• Frank & Kathie Lee Gifford have filed a libel suit against “National Examiner” for an article alleging their 9-year-old son Cody exhibited ‘incorrigible and offensive behavior’ on the set of his recent (and ironically-titled) TV film “Model Behavior”. (For a definitive example of ‘incorrigible and offensive behavior’, watch this morning’s “Live With Regis & Kathie Lee”.)
Dallas Cowboy QB Troy Aikman wed former Cowboys PR staffer Rhonda Worthey at his Plano TX home Saturday. (On their wedding night, he was 1 for 3 to the tight end.)
“TOFU, GET YOUR TOFU RIGHT HERE!”
“US News & World Report” says MLB stadium concessions are featuring healthier food choices this season. You can now get sushi or fruit kabobs in San Francisco, veggie burgers in Detroit, seafood dogs in Seattle, and milk or juice for kids in Toronto. (“Buy me some bean sprouts and tofu paste, I don’t want my body to go to waste . . .”)
HERE COMES THE ‘R’ WORD AGAIN:
Quebec premier Lucien Bouchard says he’s abandoning the strategy of waiting, and the time has come for a referendum on Quebec sovereignty modeled on the European Union. (No tariffs, no passports. You know – like a country.)
THE BULL SHEET 04.10.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936  John Madden, Austin MN, $8 million per season football analyst (FOX-TV)/11 Emmy Awards as Outstanding Sports Personality-Analyst/ex-NFL coach (Oakland Raiders 1969-79)
1952  Steven Seagal, Lansing MI, wooden film actor (The Patriot, Under Seige)/black belt in judo, kendo & aikido
1954  Peter MacNicol, Dallas TX, TV actor who ‘takes a moment’ (John “The Biscuit” Cage-Ally McBeal)
1958  Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds, Indianapolis IN, pop singer (w/Madonna-Take a Bow)/pop songwriter (Waiting to Exhale)/producer (Toni Braxton, Whitney Houston, TLC, etc)
1959  Brian Setzer, NYC, swing /rock singer (Brian Setzer Orchestra, Stray Cats-Stray Cat Strut)
1988  Haley Joel Osment, LA CA, movie actor (Oscar nominee-The Sixth Sense)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
This is “Canadian National Wildlife Week”, first declared in 1947 by an act of Parliament to honor the birth date of Jack Miner, one of the founders of Canada’s conservation movement.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993 Pittsburgh Penguins win NHL-record 17th consecutive game
1996 Detroit Red Wings become 2nd NHL team EVER to win 60 regular-season games (joining the 1976-77 Montréal Canadiens)
1998 “City of Angels” starring Nicolas Cage opens in theaters (Patricia Arquette’s conditions for taking hubby Cage back include: increase number of eyebrows to two, trade faces with John Travolta, and promise never EVER to make “City of Angels 2″)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1849  1st ‘safety pin’ patented (NYC’s Walter Hunt thinks it’s a minor invention and later sells patent for a measly $400)
1937  Founding of Trans-Canada Airlines (now Air Canada)
1984  1st frozen-embryo child, ‘Zoe’, is born in Melbourne, Australia (she still gets goose bumps)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] 8-Track Tape Day (aka sort through your Led Zeppelin collection)
[Tues] Barbershop Quartet Day (ceremonies will be held “Down by the Old Mill Stream”)
[Wed] NHL Stanley Cup playoffs begin
[Wed] International Noise Awareness Day
National Folding Road Maps Week (forming a big ball doesn’t count)
National Library Week (remember, SHHHH!)
National STD Awareness Month (if you’ve got one, you’re REALLY aware)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BASIC RULES OF GOLF:
• No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
• Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever.
• The more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
• The shorter the hole, the greater its desire to humiliate golfers.
• Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
• The last 3 holes of any round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
• All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
THE LAST WORD: Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.