April 7, 2000

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Friday, April 7, 2000                                                   Edition:  #1781

Today is “World Health Day”, so here’s a BS look at . . .
• You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
• Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
• Your insurance company has started sending you their free calendar — a month at a time.
• Your doctor says, “Open your mouth and say moo.”
• When you stop exercising, parts of you keep moving.
• Packs of dogs are attracted by your high-pitched wheeze.
• Whenever you walk around in new corduroys, neighbors yell, “Hey, keep it down!”
•.You get winded giving a fellow commuter the finger.

Mariah Carey has postponed tonight’s first-ever Toronto concert after suffering the heebie jeebies all week from bad oysters she ate in Atlanta (the first vermin to enter her body since Tommy Mottola) . . . Today they’re taping a celebrity version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” for airing during the May sweeps, with contestants David Duchovny, Dana Carvey, Rosie O’Donnell, Ray Romano, Vanessa Williams and (AGHHH!) Kathie Lee Gifford (“Reeg, I wanna use a lifeline and call Cody”) . . . Sunday George Clooney and former “ER” pal Noah Wyle star in a new version of the ‘64 nuclear thriller “Fail-Safe” on CBS-TV, with a unique twist – the show will be performed LIVE (gee, hope he can perfect that pose where he looks up from under his eyebrows in one take) . . . Ziggy Marley has landed the gig of ad spokesman for ‘Hemp Bar’, a new energy snack that claims nutritional value from hemp seed (“Hi, my dad smoked 18 of these babies every day and now he’s an icon”).

David Arquette and Oliver Platt play a pair of slacker wrestling fans who are devastated by the ousting of their favorite grappler in the comedy “Ready to Rumble” . . . David Duchovny falls in love with Minnie Driver, the woman who received his wife’s heart, and must decide which woman he loves in the romantic comedy “Return to Me” . . . Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L Jackson star in the drama “Rules of Engagement”, the story of an officer on trial for ordering his troops to fire on civilians (Jackson is the hardest working man in Hollywood — 36 movies in the past 10 years!)

• The May edition of “Playboy” will include a feature spread on ‘The Girls of Canada’. (Just ask for the ‘Beaver Issue’.)
• A Simon Fraser University researcher says that heating up the human brain can lead to irrational violence. For this reason, he’s suggesting that hockey helmets should be air-conditioned. (Not to mention the House of Commons during Question Period.)
• Maple Ridge BC native Larry Walker of the Colorado Rockies is this season’s highest paid Canadian and 5th-highest paid Major League Baseball player overall at $12,142,857 US. The average MLB salary on opening day was just a couple of bucks shy of $2-million — a 100% increase in just 8 years!


1954     [46] Jackie Chan, Hong Kong, chopsocky actor/producer/director/stunt man (Rush Hour)
1964    [36] Russell Crowe, Wellington NZ, movie actor (Oscar nominee-The Insider, LA Confidential)
1970    [30] Alexander Karpovtsev, Moscow RUS, NHL defenceman (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1971    [29] Victor Kraatz, Berlin GER, 7-time Canadian ice dance champ (with Shae-Lynn Bourne)
1975     [25] Victoria Adams, Goff’s Oak ENG, pop singer (Spice Girls-Too Much)/’Anorexic Spice’

1966     [34] Robin Wright-Penn, Dallas TX, film actress (Forrest Gump)/Mrs Sean Penn
1968    [32] Patricia Arquette, Chicago IL, film actress (Stigmata) NOTE: Nicolas Cage just withdrew his divorce petition and reunited with her (after his lawyer showed him a settlement based on $20-million paydays during their marriage)
1970    [30] Gerald Vaughn, Abbeville MS, CFL defensive back (Grey Cup champ Hamilton Tiger Cats)
1973    [27] Alex Gonzalez, Miami FL, MLB infielder (Toronto Blue Jays)

1926     [74] Hugh Hefner, Chicago IL, Playboy magazine founder with 3 girlfriends, 2 of them sisters
1954     [46] Dennis Quaid, Houston TX, film actor (Any Given Sunday)/Mr Meg Ryan
1967    [33] Graeme Lloyd, Geelong AUS, MLB pitcher (Montreal Expos)
1971    [29] Jacques Villeneuve, St-Jean d’Iberville PQ, race car driver (1997 Formula One Champion,     1995 Indianapolis 500 winner)

Today is “No Housework Day”. No dishes, no cleaning, no taking out trash, and no guilt!

1998    George Michael is arrested for committing lewd act in restroom at LA’s Will Rogers Park (like Rogers, he never met a man he didn’t like)
1999    Couples worldwide gear up for ‘dirty weekend’ that includes April 9th “Millennium Baby Day”, the day to conceive a ‘Y2K baby’
1999    Ricky Martin releases “Livin’ La Vida Loca”, the hit tune that makes him a superstar

1795    [205] ‘Metric System’ 1st adopted in France where it was developed (only 3 countries in the world are NOT using it now – Liberia, Burma and the USA)
1977    [23] Toronto Blue Jays’ 1st MLB regular season game (beat Chicago White Sox 9-5)
1997    [03] PM Jean Chrétien’s 1st official visit to Washington (“Tankyou Bill, but no cigar.”)

[Sun] NHL Regular Season ends
[Mon] Golfers Day
National Public Health Week
Stress Awareness Month

Q: What are members of New York City’s ‘Coffee Crisp Club’ interested in?
A: All things Canadian. They’re professional New Yorkers who celebrate Canadian holidays and are enthusiastic about Canadian culture and foods like ‘Shreddies’ and, of course, the ‘Coffee Crisp’ bar.

THE LAST WORD: Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies out of the trunk.

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