Tuesday, April 4, 2000 Edition: #1778
The British government is expected to soon approve the cloning of human embryos for medical research. This would allow scientists to create an embryo clone of a sick person and extract cells that are genetically identical to the patient’s. In other words — spare parts.
BS PROBLEMS WITH HUMAN CLONES:
• Harder than ever to land a role in one of those Doublemint commercials.
• In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0) has all the money on the entire planet.
• Elvis spottings 6 times a day.
• Huge line-ups during ‘Clones Eat Free’ special at Swiss Chalet.
• 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford clones.
• Pop radio filled with even more Backstreet Boys clones.
• And the final score: the New York Gretzkys 408, the Pittsburgh Lemieuxs 399.
• And you think it’s hard to find your size now!
• Two words: Michael Jacksons.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Buzz is Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche are seeing a marriage counsellor amid rumors Heche was having a heterosexual affair . . . Shania Twain’s “Come On Over” is now the best-selling album EVER by a female artist with 17 million sold and counting . . . Celeb shoppers supposedly spotted by snoops recently include Matt Damon in a pharmacy buying a home pregnancy test at 2am (could a ‘Winonette’ be on the way?), and Jennifer Lopez in a sex shop buying a latex cheerleader’s outfit (for her, that’s conservative).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Nominated for a “Razzie Award” as ‘Worst Movie of the Year’, the latest George Lucas gravy train, “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”, is out worldwide on VHS ONLY today because Lucas refuses to transfer any of the 4 episodes to DVD (hardcore “Star Wars” fans will want the deluxe ‘Video Collector’s Edition’ at about twice the price) . . . Kevin Costner plays a washed-up baseball pitcher (as opposed to a washed-up actor) flashing through his career in “For Love of the Game” . . . Milla Jovovich burns some stake as ‘St Joan’ in the (sort of) historical drama “The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc”.
TOP VIDEO RENTALS:
2. “Double Jeopardy”
3. “American Pie”
5. “Random Hearts”
(Source: “Billboard” — April 8 edition)
THE ‘MIR’ HAS TWO MORE FACES:
Today two Russian cosmonauts are scheduled to blast-off with puncture-repair kits for the latest repair mission on the aging space station ‘Mir’, which has been unmanned since last summer. So why are they bothering to save a 14-year-old hunk of space junk that was scheduled to fall into the ocean long ago? Money. The station may be developed as a commercial space lab or an exclusive destination for wealthy tourists. It was even supposed to serve as a movie set, but the filmmakers failed to pay the cost to get the Russian actor who trained for the role up there. (One sure way it would make money is to make it HQ for the new ‘Hundred Mile High Club’.)THE
BULL SHEET 04.04.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942  Jim Fregosi, San Francisco CA, MLB manager (Toronto Blue Jays)
1965  Robert Downey Jr, NYC, incarcerated film actor jailed for 3 years for repeatedly breaking terms of parole for previous conviction on drug charges (Black and White, Bowfinger)
1971  Yanic Perreault, Sherbrooke PQ, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
1972  Magnus Sveningsson, Jonkoping SWE, pop singer (The Cardigans-Lovefool)
1973  Ryan Coughlin, CFL linebacker (Montreal Alouettes)
1974  OJ Santiago, Whitby ON, NFL tight end (Atlanta Falcons)
1979  Natasha Lyonne, NYC, movie actress (American Pie)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “National Hug a Newsman Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘National Face Harassment Charges Day’.)
This is “National Reading a Road Map Week”, dedicated to promoting map reading as an ‘enjoyable pastime’ and survival skill. (Next week is “National Folding a Road Map Week” – honest!)
Today is “Ching Ming Festival” in Chinese communities around-the-world. Also known as “Tomb Sweeping Day”, it’s when families gather to tidy up ancestors’ graves. (Don’t vacuum the ashes!)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 Models Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell & Elle Macpherson open Fashion Café in NYC
1995 Longest-ever Major League Baseball strike finally ends after 234 days
1999 “The Matrix” tops the movie box office
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1893  Ontario Legislature opens on site of former lunatic asylum (the more things change . . .)
1988  1st MLB player to hit 3 HR in opening day game (George Bell leads Toronto Blue Jays to 5-3 win over Kansas City Royals)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Go For Broke Day
[Wed] Kick Butts Day
[Thurs] Canadian Comedy Awards (on CBC-TV Friday)
[Thurs] Masters Golf begins (Augusta GA)
[Sun] NHL regular season ends
Golden Rule Week
Alcohol Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY:
• Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She’s coming home.
• Good: Your daughter’s boss raves about her work. Bad: He’s a pimp.
• Good: Your son just graduated from high school. Bad: He’s 27.
• Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.
• Good: Your daughter practices safe sex. Bad: She’s eleven.
• Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room. Ugly: You’re in it.
• Bad: Your children are sexually active. Ugly: With each other.
THE LAST WORD:
No matter how fast your modem is, it’s slow.