April 21, 2006

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Friday, April 21, 2006        Edition: #3266
More From the Bovine Stool Dispenser!

TODAY’s issue of “People” magazine features some of the first published photos of Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin’s new son ‘Moses’ (cuz his newsworthiness will soon be upstaged by photos of ‘Suri’ and Grier’) . . . TONIGHT the “Miss USA Pageant”airs live from Baltimore MD on NBC-TV, hosted by “ Dancing with the Stars” winner Drew Lachey, Access Hollywood’s Nancy O’Dell, and Carson Kressley from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” . . . SATURDAY & Sunday the latest round of “Canadian Idol” auditions are at the Fairview Park mall in Kitchener-Waterloo ON . . . THIS WEEK the first hi-def video disks using Toshiba’s HD-DVD format are hitting retail stores, including the movies “Serenity”, “The Last Samurai” & “Phantom of the Opera” priced at around $30 (you’ll also need a new hi-def player – $500-$700!) . . . While shooting “The Sentinel”, actress Kim Basinger confessed to co-star Kiefer Sutherland that she’s a huge fan of his TV show “24″ and would love to appear on it, something that Sutherland says he’s going to hold her to (she’s actually just a fan of – any work available) . . . Billionaire “Harry Potter” author JK Rowling has donated a substantial but undisclosed amount to help set up a Multiple Sclerosis Research Center in Edinburgh, Scotland . . . Reports say Angelina Jolie has agreed to reprise her role as ‘Lara Croft’ in a 3rd “Tomb Raider” movie (because even the lame 2nd film, “Cradle of Life”, managed to gross $156 million worldwide) . . . And since its return in MARCH, NBC-TV’s “Deal or No Deal” has generated over 30 million text messages from viewers hoping to win prizes, the ‘interactive TV’ component that the network credits with boosting the game show’s  popularity.

• Fall Out Boy – TOMORROW they’re the musical guest on NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”, hosted by Natalie Portman.
• Jo Dee Messina – MONDAY she managed to complete her first “Boston Marathon”, even though she injured a knee halfway through the course. Her time: 5 hours, 47 minutes.
• LeAnn Rimes – TONIGHT she performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Neil Young – TONIGHT he does “Late Night With Conan O’ Brien” on NBC-TV.
• The New Cars – TONIGHT they appear on the “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.
• Rolling Stones – Mick Jagger may appear in an ABC-TV comedy pilot about a gang of NYC criminals who attempt to rob a celebrity. Mick would only appear in a few scenes as the target but would be crucial to the plot.
• Teddy Geiger – TODAY he’s on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Tim McGraw/Faith Hill – TONIGHT their “Soul 2 Soul II” mega-tour kicks off in Columbus OH. It’s been 6 years since Faith hit the road and also that long since she & Tim toured together.
• Whitney Houston – She’s reportedly just checked into the Sierra Tucson rehab clinic in Tucson AZ in a desperate bid to kick her drug addiction.

• “American Dreamz” ( PG-13 Comedy ): A satire about a wildly popular TV singing contest (a la “American Idol”) written and directed by Paul Weitz of “American Pie” fame. Hugh Grant stars alongside Marcia Gay Harden & Mandy Moore. Dennis Quaid portrays the TV-obsessed US President, and Willem Dafoe plays the VP.
NET: http://www.americandreamzmovie.com/index1.html
• “The Rocket” ( NR Sports Bio-Pic ): Roy Dupuis stars as legendary Montréal Canadiens superstar Maurice (Rocket) Richard in the bio-film’s English-language release (the French version was released in QC in NOVEMBER). Real-life NHL stars in the film include Mike Ricci (Phoenix Coyotes) as Elmer Lach, Sean Avery (LA Kings) as Bob Dill, Vincent Lecavalier (Tampa Bay Lightning) as Jean Beliveau, plus Mathieu Dandenault (Canadiens) & Ian Laperriere (Colorado Avalanche). All the hockey scenes were filmed in Québec City where Le Colisée subbed for the old Montréal Forum. Coincidentally, TODAY is star Dupuis’ 43rd birthday.
NET: http://www.therocketmovie.com/
• “The Sentinel” ( PG-13 Crime Thriller ): Michael Douglas plays a disgraced special agent who’s framed and blackmailed over an affair with the US First Lady (Kim Basinger), but then he stumbles upon a conspiracy to assassinate the US President and must act to prevent it. Kiefer Sutherland & Eva Longoria co-star. Shot in the Greater Toronto Area and Washington DC.
NET: http://www.sentinelthemovie.com/
• “Silent Hill” ( R-Rated Horror Thriller ): Radha Mitchell plays a distraught mom who cannot accept that her daughter (Jodelle Ferland) is dying of a fatal disease. She attempts to take the girl to a faith healer but, on the way, ends up driving through a portal in reality which takes her to the eerie town of ‘Silent Hill’. Laurie Holden & Sean Bean co-star.
NET: http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/silenthill/

• Netherlands-based consumer electronics company Royal Philips Electronics has developed a new technology that would allow TV broadcasters to ‘freeze’ a channel during commercials so viewers can’t avoid them. The anti-channel-changing feature would be imbedded in either the TV or a set-top-box. Philips acknowledges it might not sit well with consumers, so it’s suggesting they be allowed to avoid the feature – by paying a fee.
– CNews
• San Diego CA-based Secure Networks has invented the ‘Secure Singles Free Notification System’, a new escape plan to get you out of painful dates. Here’s how it works: Before your date, you go online and scribble a message to friends and set a time for it to be sent – by cellphone, e-mail or instant messaging. If the date is going well, you can cancel the message from your cellphone. But if you don’t cancel, your friends will be notified to spring into action, immediately contacting you with an excuse about ‘an emergency’ that needs your attention. Voila! No more date.
– AP

Got a road trip coming up this weekend? Here are a few tips on how to prevent or ease motion sickness from the UCLA Medical Center …
• Try to avoid sitting in the back seat or in a rear-facing seat of a vehicle.
• If you can’t drive, sit in the front passenger seat because it will allow you to see the road ahead (one reason drivers seldom get car sick).
• Don’t read while riding in a vehicle.
• Avoid greasy foods when traveling.
• Keep the window open for fresh air.
• If you are traveling with children who get carsick, have them keep their heads as still as possible. (Yeah, good luck with that!)
– “Chicago Tribune”

• Broward County cops in Lauderdale Lakes FL have arrested a 76-year-old geezer for going door-to-door offering – free breast exams. What’s really weird is that 2 women (aged 33 and 36) actually accepted! (He’s in the slammer but he’s still smilin’!)
• THIS WEEK a Buena PA high school student who wasn’t feeling well wandered onto the wrong side of the road while driving herself to school. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, she crashed into a vehicle driven by – her own mother. Both mom & daughter are now hospitalized but their injuries are not considered life-threatening. (Another reason why car-pooling is a good thing.)
• The Saltford UK owners of a hen were stunned when it quit laying eggs after 8 months, suddenly sprouted a rooster’s scarlet comb and began crowing at dawn. The sudden gender change is a 1-in-10,000 oddity, apparently caused by soaring testosterone levels. The hen-turned-rooster now fights with other males and even tries to mate with its former laying mates. The owners have re-christened their warped chicken – ‘Freaky’.

When Prince Albert of Monaco recently took part in a 57-mile journey to the North Pole he could only sacrifice so much. A Michelin Guide-starred chef, Alain Ducasse, was brought along to provide meals for ‘His Serene Highness’ and his team of 7 explorers. According to a spokeswoman, 2 hot meals a day were prepared by the world-renowned chef, so that while the Prince was battling extreme cold and evading polar bears, at least his food was up to the standard to which he’s accustomed. (Who was the lucky sap who got to backpack his ‘throne’?)

Southampton Solent University in the south of England has announced it will become the first in the world to offer a bachelor’s degree in – comedy. Undergraduates will be required to complete a practical module in stand-up comedy, analyze the history & psychology of humor, and perform practical lessons in radio and TV sitcom comedy. The man behind the project, stand-up comedian Chris ‘Doc’ Ritchie, insists it’s a serious subject. (Especially if you major in ‘knock knock’ jokes.)
– “GQ”


1926 [80] Queen Elizabeth II (Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Mountbatten-Windsor), London UK, “Her most Excellent Majesty Elizabeth the 2nd, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, of Great Britain & Northern Ireland, and of Her other Realms & Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth & Defender of the Faith”/Camilla’s mother-in-law
• Elizabeth II is England’s 40th monarch since William the Conqueror.
• She has made 256 official overseas visits. She has visited Canada 23 times.
• She’s entertained 1.1 million people at Buckingham Palace garden parties.
• Her husband Prince Philip (and only Philip) calls her ‘Lilibet’.
• “Dash it!” is her version of an expletive.
• For breakfast she serves herself cornflakes or oats from Tupperware containers.
• She reads the “Racing Post” over breakfast.
• Insiders & family refer to her expression when she’s royally ticked off as her ‘Miss Piggy face’.
• She sent her first e-mail in 1976.
• She never gives interviews but launched a Buckingham Palace Website in 1997.
NET: http://www.royal.gov.uk

1958 [48] Andie MacDowell, Gaffney SC, movie actress (“Four Weddings & a Funeral”)/spokesmodel for L’Oreal

1959 [47] Michael Timmins, Toronto ON, pop musician (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”)/Margo Timmins’ brother

1965 [41] Ed Belfour, Carman MB, NHL goalie (soon-to-be ex-Toronto Maple Leafs?)

Movie star Jack Nicholson (“As Good As It Gets”) is 69; Classic rock singer Peter Frampton  (“Show Me the Way”) is 56; Country singer Heath Wright (Ricochet) is 39; Country singer Kellie Coffey (“When You Lie Next To Me”) is 35; Rock musician Shavo Odadjian (System Of A Down) is 32; Rock singer Daniel Johns (Silverchair) is 27.
Director Michael Moore (“Fahrenheit 9/11″) is 52; Comedian/TV actor George Lopez (“George Lopez”) is 45; Canadian MLB pitcher Rheal Cormier (Philadelphia Phillies) is 39; Country singer Tim Womack (Sons of the Desert) hits 38.

• “Big Word Day”, a day to use humongous words on purpose just to impress yourself. Go ahead, you can facilitate this celebration of excess verbiage!

• “Kindergarten Day”, honoring the 1782 birth of German educator Friedrich Froebel, who established the 1st kindergarten in 1837.

• “Earth Day”, begun in 1970 and now the largest environmental event worldwide with some 500 million people in over 160 countries participating in events that address environmental issues.
NET: http://www.earthday.ca
NET: http://www.earthday.net

• “Jelly Bean Day”.  According to one survey, the favorite jelly bean flavors are cherry (20%), strawberry (12%), grape (10%), lime (7%) and blueberry (6%). But nowadays you can also get them in a wide variety of more bizarre flavors such as Toasted Marshmallow, Café Latte, Margarita, A&W Root Beer, Bubble Gum, Buttered Popcorn and Pina Colada.
NET: http://jellybelly.com

• “Plumbers Day”. OK, let’s all do the plumber’s salute … drop your pants 2 inches!

• “Spring Cat Cleaning Day”, a day to give your cat a bath. But be careful!

• “William Shakespeare’s Birth & Death Anniversary” (1564-1616).

1956 [50] Elvis Presley scores his 1st #1 hit, “Heartbreak Hotel”

1975 [31]  BJ Thomas’ “Hey Won’t You Play Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song” becomes tune with longest title of any #1 pop single

1879 [127] 1st ‘Firehouse Pole’ is installed (NYC Fire Company #21)

1997 [09] 1st ‘Space Funeral’ as ashes of LSD advocate Timothy Leary and “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry are sent into orbit

2001 [05] LA Xtreme win the 1st (and last) “XFL Championship Game”, defeating San Francisco Demons 38-6 (WWE’s fledgling football league folds soon after)

1997 [09] Ottawa Senator fans wave signs reading ‘Buddha Power’ to celebrate 1st-ever home playoff game

1996 [10] Chicago Bulls wrap up NBA’s winningest regular season with 72nd victory

[Mon] St George’s Day Holiday (NL)
[Mon] World Lab Animal Day
[Mon-Apr 30] 12th TV-Turnoff Week
[Tues] Anzac Day (Australia/NZ)
[Wed] Administrative Professionals Day
[Wed] Pretzel Day
[Thurs] Take Our Daughters & Sons to Work Day
This Week Is . . . Boys & Girls Club Week
This Month Is . . . Thai Heritage Month


• Instead of bending down to pick things up, you learn to use your toes.
• You’re only interested in one thing, but dammit if you can remember what it is.
• You not only talk to inanimate objects but expect a reply.
• People compliment how good you used to look.
• You wake up at daybreak no matter what time you go to sleep, which is promptly at 10 o’clock.

The week’s most requested music files online …
5. Sean Paul – “Temperature”
4. Chris Brown – “Yo”
3. Ne-Yo – “So Sick”
2. Rihanna – “SOS”
1. LL Cool J – “Control Myself”
– Big Champagne online music measurement.

• … that just goes to prove the shortest distance between two points is generally under construction.
• We have an open marriage. I’m free to do whatever the hell I please … so long as the wife okays it.

Today’s Question: According to a poll of women, THIS is the ‘kiss of death’ for a guy on a first date.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Using a coupon to pay for a meal.

Always choose the busiest hairdresser.


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