April 20, 2006

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Thursday, April 20, 2006        Edition: #3265
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

TONIGHT US Senator Ted Kennedy guests on “The Daily Show” with Jon Stewart (whom you can bet will grill him about the disheveled state of the Democratic party) . . . After watching LAST WEEK’s episode of “The Amazing Race 9″, short-fused contestant Lake Garner apologized to his long-suffering wife Michelle for the way he treated her on the show – and announced he’s buying her a new car (mercifully the bickering bozos from Mississippi were eliminated) . . . A Japanese version of “The Apprentice” has been shelved because the show emphasizes the success of a single person rather than cumulative efforts of a team, something so foreign to the Japanese business mind that producers couldn’t even find a Japanese executive willing to act as the show’s host (y’now that’s just like our extended family here at ‘Happy Radio’ …) . . . Total DVD sales for the vintage country-bumpkin TV series “Hee Haw” (1969-92) have now surpassed the benchmark of 1 million copies (holy crap – we’ll buy just about anything, won’t we?) . . . 7-Eleven has officially begun selling the P’EatZZa Sandwich introduced on LAST WEEK’s episode of “The Apprentice 5“ (best before 2011) . . . St Andrews University, the oldest university in Scotland, is set to award an honorary degree to “The Sentinel” star Michael Douglas (coincidentally the oldest actor in Hollywood) . . . And a quick update on the latest horrific handles inflicted on the children of celebs – TomKat’s new daughter’s name, ‘Suri’, has its origins in Hebrew (meaning ‘princess’) and in Persian (meaning ‘red rose’); Brooke Shields’ new daughter’s name, ‘Grier’ (meaning ‘watchful & vigilant’), has its origins in Scotland (in the real world, both names mean getting beat up a lot at school).

• ABBA – The ‘80s popsters have secured a new deal with Universal Music to allow the downloading of ring-tone versions of their hits, including “Dancing Queen” and, perhaps more appropriately, “Ring Ring” and “Money, Money, Money”.
• BB King – THIS WEEK the legendary bluesman marked his 10,000th career performance with a show at his club in NYC’s Times Square.
• David Gilmour – TONIGHT the now-solo former Pink Floyd guitarist performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Rascal Flatts – Their new CD, “Me and My Gang”, sold 721,747 copies in its first week of release. The over-700,000 category is an exclusive country club that includes only Garth Brooks, Shania Twain,  Tim McGraw, and the Dixie Chicks.
• Ric Ocasek – TONIGHT the former Cars lead is on “Late Night With Conan O’ Brien”.
• Roseanne Cash – TONIGHT she guests on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson”.

Woody Allen has cancelled plans to shoot his next (untitled) film in Paris just weeks before filming commences and is instead taking it back to London where he shot “Match Point” and the soon-to-be-released “Snoop” . . . After directing many of the Limp Bizkit videos, rocker Fred Durst will make his feature directorial debut on the independent film, “The Education of Charlie Banks” . . . Queen Latifah will next star in “Welfare Queen”, a fact-based story of a woman who scammed the welfare system out of a fortune . . . Renée Zellweger will play a social worker attempting to save what she thinks is an abused 10-year-old girl in the upcoming horror thriller, “Case 39″ . . . Will Smith is set to star in the action thriller, “Greenbacks”, about an average guy who stumbles across a plot to mass-produce perfect counterfeit dollar-bills . . . There’s already an avid cult-following for the tongue-in-cheek Samuel L Jackson horror flick “Snakes on a Plane” (opening AUGUST 18th), which seems to have developed simply because of the odd title (originally intended only as a capsule plot summary, but fans successfully convinced producers not to change it) . . . The opening of Mel Gibson’s Mayan epic “Apocalypto” has been bumped from AUGUST to DECEMBER because of heavy rains in Mexico where the film is now shooting . . . And the descendants of “Pride & Prejudice” author Jane Austen have slammed the casting of actress Anne Hathaway (“Princess Diaries”) as their famous ancestor in the upcoming bio-pic, “Becoming Jane”, because she is – ‘too pretty’.

“We are thrilled to announce that Tammy is pregnant and expecting our twins sometime around THIS FALL. To answer the obvious question … we used an anonymous donor from a bank.”
– Singer Melissa Etheridge, announcing her first children with partner Tammy Lynn Michaels. She has 2 from her relationship with former partner Julie Cypher.

“I’ll tell you how I knew my marriage was over … I was told.”
– Nick Lachey, in a new “Rolling Stone” interview, explaining how his marriage to Jessica Simpson (and her overbearing daddy-manager, Joe Simpson) ended.

‘Working late at the office’ has become the fastest growing reason for women to seek a divorce. According to a new Dutch study, ‘violence’ is now blamed for divorce by fewer than half as many women as in the post-WW2 era, and ‘infidelity’ is cited as the reason in a third fewer cases. The number blaming a breakup on overwork, by contrast, has more than tripled in the same period. Researchers say that may be because marriage has increasingly become about companionship. (Yeah, but on the other hand, its tough to argue if you never see each other.)
– “Times of London”

5. Tetsuya’s … Sydney, Australia
4. French Laundry … Yountville CA, USA
3. Pierre Gagnaire … Paris, France
2. The Fat Duck … Bray, UK
1. El Bulli … Rosas, Spain
(There’s not one Canadian restaurant in the top 50. What about Timmy’s? Yummy Long-Johns!)
– “Restaurant Magazine”

Comet 73P, called Schwassman-Wachmann, followed a 5-year orbit for centuries but in 1995, it mysteriously fragmented. Now Eric Julien, a former French military air traffic controller & airport manager, has completed a study of the comet and declared that a fragment of it is highly likely to impact Earth on or around MAY 25, 2006. That would be frightening except for the fact that Julien has other related theories – he argues that a mysterious crop circle that also appeared in 1995 was a warning from ‘higher intelligences’, and that the upcoming impact is tied-in to the Bush administration’s policy of preemptive use of nuclear weapons against Iran. (Hmm. Someone needs a new tinfoil hat … apparently the old one’s busted!)
– US Newswire

A Russian scientist claims to have solved the mystery of crop circles, attributing them to microwave emissions caused by lightning strikes. In experiments, researcher Stanislav Smirnov placed stalks of cereal grains in a glass of water in a microwave oven. When they were nuked, the stalks bent in exactly the same way as those usually found in crop circles. Smirnov says he now needs to determine how microwave emissions develop in fields. He has a theory that they come from underground, but so far can’t prove it. (Maybe there’s a bulk deal on tinfoil hats?)
– “Komsomolskaya Pravda”

The world grows twice as much food as it did a generation ago but it takes 3 times more water to do it.
– “When the Rivers Run Dry: Water – The Defining Crisis of the 21st Century”

Researchers at the University of Leuven in Belgium have found that men with high-testosterone levels drive the hardest bargains, but all their skills are flushed down the old porcelain receptacle if they get an eyeful of – babes in bikinis. In that case they are more prone to accept a poorer deal than men with low-testosterone. Even something as simple as being handed a bra is enough to sap their resolve. (So be sure you’re well equipped when you go in to make that next car deal!)

A biologist in Cartagena, Colombia is in possession of what may be the ‘World’s Largest Shrimp’. Edilberto Flechas purchased the giant black tiger shrimp for about $800 from a fisherman. The average length of the species is 21 cm (about 8 ins) but this one measures a whopping 40 cm (almost 16 ins). (Isn’t ‘jumbo shrimp’ an oxymoron? Would it describe a large shrimp … or a small jumbo?)

Russia has revealed the true reason Yuri Gagarin was chosen to be the first man in space. It wasn’t his physical toughness, psychological resilience, or his impeccable credentials. Instead it was the fact that he took off his shoes when climbing into a prototype of the spacecraft for a look-see. Touched by the show of respect, the head of the Russian space exploration program, Sergei Korolev, decided that Gagarin should be the cosmonaut for the historic 108-minute first flight into space 45 years ago THIS MONTH (April 1961).
– “The Telegraph”


1949 [57] Jessica Lange, Cloquet MN, movie actress (Oscars-“Blue Sky”, “Tootsie”)

1969 [37] Wade Hayes, Bethel Acres OK, country singer (“Old Enough To Know Better”)

1972 [34] Carmen Electra (Tara Leigh Patrick), Sharonville OH, movie actress (“Scary Movie 4″)/Mrs Dave Navarro since 2003/ex-Mrs Dennis Rodman (1998-99)

• “First Day of Summer in Iceland”, by tradition on the 3rd Thursday of April, celebrated with parades, sporting events and entertainment. Legend has it that if the night before first day of summer is freezing cold, the following summer is going to be great!

• “Take a Break to Reset Your Mind Day”. Yep, there’s nothing like electro-shock therapy, right [co-host]?

• “Volunteer Recognition Day”, honoring the legions of volunteers who dedicate themselves to causes and helping people, animals, and nature.

1992 [14] Madonna becomes highest-paid female pop star with Time-Warner deal to form her own entertainment company (Maverick)

1879 [127] 1st ‘Mobile Home’ unveiled, in London UK (next day, first “Trailer Park Boys” episode is shot)

1973 [33] 1st ‘Commercial Satellite’ (Canada’s ANIK A-2)

1992 [14] World record ‘House of Cards’ measures 75-feet-high

[Fri] Kindergarten Day
[Fri] Clergy Day
[Fri] Queen Elizabeth II’s 80th Birthday
[Fri] NHL Stanley Cup playoffs begin
[Sat] Earth Day
[Sat] NBA playoffs begin
[Mon] St George’s Day Holiday (NL)
[Mon-Apr 30] 12th TV-Turnoff Week
This Week Is . . . Karaoke Week
This Month Is . . . Pets Are Wonderful Month


• Athletes would retire only once.
• Traffic lights would change when we honk at them.
• Pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.
• ‘Boot’ would rhyme with ‘foot’.
• Lawyers would speak a language that humans can understand.
• Walkie-talkie cellphones would exist only in hell.
• Every driver would understand the ‘merge concept’.
• We’d get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.
• Answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.
• Everyone would die on their 100th birthday while making love.

You run down the list rapid-fire while your guest picks one from each pair …
• Milk chocolate or dark chocolate?
• Cash or credit?
• Earth tones or primary colors?
• TV or a good book?
• Paper or plastic?
• City or country?
• Basketball playoffs or hockey playoffs?
• Beach or snowy mountain?
• Cat or dog?
• Wine or beer?

• Y’know, hearing that makes me think that sometimes the only just punishment is … cruel and unusual.
• You should never lock your front door… it’s a surefire sign that you’re not home.

• Comedy Central has decided to delete a scene in a “South Park” episode that depicts the prophet Muhammad. Is that censorship … or a sign of tolerance and respect?
• What’s the best movie ever made that was based on a book? (Online voters can pick from a 50-title shortlist by the Book Marketing Society that includes “The English Patient”, “A Clockwork Orange”, and “Brokeback Mountain”.)

Today’s Question: This might seem surprising, but 70% of business do NOT have this.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A Website.

He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.


Leave a comment