April 12, 2006

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006        Edition: #3259
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

TONIGHT actor Russell Crowe is aiming to establish his rocker cred with a performance at the “MTV Australia Video Music Awards” (AVMAs) at the Sydney Superdome with his new band The Ordinary Fear of God . . . With “Malcolm in the Middle” wrapping after 7 seasons, star Frankie Muniz says he’s going to take a break from acting for at least the next 2 years – to become a professional race car driver . . . Once shooting wraps on the “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequels, Oscar-nominated “Pride & Prejudice” actress Keira Knightley is expected to hit London’s West End in the challenging role of ‘Eliza Doolittle’ in a new stage production of “My Fair Lady” . . . Mel Brooks’ former movie “The Producers” was such a massive hit on Broadway, he’s now planning a stage version of his 1974 flick “Young Frankenstein”, scheduled to open in 2007 (Mel, look up the word ‘fluke’ in the dictionary) . . . Disney has announced plans to make some of its ABC-TV programs, including “Lost” and “Desperate Housewives”, available for free online the day after the shows air on TV . . . According to “FHM” magazine’s annual ‘World’s 100 Sexiest Women’ poll, increasingly plump Britney Spears is 95 people less hot than LAST YEAR when she ranked #6 (2 years ago she ranked #1!) . . . And brat actress Lindsay Lohan has lost out to Brit stupormodel Naomi Campbell in a bid to be the new face of Louis Vuitton, because the French fashion house decided Lohan was just ‘too American’ for its global image (translation: she’s so unstable she’s likely to go off the deep end right in the middle of an ad campaign).

• The Beatles – They’ll release an album of ‘completely new music’ to mark the opening of the first authorized theatrical production of their work, coming to Las Vegas. It involves previously unreleased archival material, plus the re-mixing of recorded performances. Paul McCartney & Ringo Starr are helping develop the production but will not appear on stage.
• Cher – She’s being lured to take over the stage at the Coliseum at Caesars Palace in Vegas when Celine Dion ends her 4-year run NEXT YEAR. Word has it the deal would be worth circa $60 million.
• Elton John – Through SATURDAY, he’s selling some 10,000 items from his closet in the annual sale of wardrobe cast-offs to benefit his AIDS charity. The clothing & accessories worn by either he or partner David Furnish are on sale at the specially created shop ‘Elton’s Closet’ in NYC.
• Jamie Foxx – TONIGHT he’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Jennifer Lopez – She’s suing ex-husband Ojani Noa, claiming he offered to not release a tell-all book he’s been shopping around if she paid him $5 million. Meantime, she’s announced a tour that will take her to the Middle East & Eastern Europe starting NEXT MONTH, including concerts in Dubai, Greece & Bulgaria. Not a North American date in sight!
• Michael Bolton – His fiancée Nicollette Sheridan will sing a duet with him on his upcoming CD, appropriately entitled “The Second Time Around”.
• Ne-Yo – TODAY he guests on the syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Toby Keith – TONIGHT he’s on the “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” on CBS-TV.
• The Who – They’re looking at a JUNE release for an 11-minute mini-opera, “The Glass Household”, based on Pete Townshend’s online novella “The Boy Who Heard Music”.

Here’s good news for those of you who are desperately trying to shed those extra pounds. Researchers at the Wellman Center for Photomedicine at Massachusetts General Hospital say it may be possible to melt fat with the help of – a laser. Experiments conducted with assistance from Harvard Medical School and the Thomas Jefferson National Accelerator Facility have shown that a laser can heat fatty tissues in the body without harming the overlying skin. (Do you have to poke holes with a fork like when you put an egg in the microwave?)
– ANI Health & Science

Why pay royalties when you can rent the entire band? Ad agency Saatchi & Saatchi has brought together a team of 4 girls to produce a band that can be bought ‘off-the-shelf’ by advertisers to promote their products. Clients who pay to use the still-unnamed group will have a say in what they’re called, the kind of songs they sing, their lyrics, as well as the brands they wear, drink and eat. While supporters see it as an imaginative way to reach young consumers already swamped by traditional advertising, cynics say it turns the singers into captives of corporations, unable to show any creativity of their own. (And what’s different about that then?)
– “GQ”

One in 10 Europeans is allegedly conceived in an Ikea bed.

• ‘Golden Hello’ – One reason executive pay has soared in recent years is that compensation deals are getting more lucrative at the front-end, with fat signing bonuses and initial stock options. Executives aren’t so worried about ‘Golden Parachutes’ if they arrive to ‘Golden Hellos’.
• ‘Intaxication’ – Euphoria over getting an income tax refund … which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with. (“I had a real bout of intaxication when I got my return and went out and bought some groceries!”)
• ‘CPA’ (‘Continuous Partial Attention’) – A state in which most of a person’s attention is devoted to a primary task but part is also monitoring several background tasks just in case something more interesting comes up. This is how kids do homework on a computer; it’s also how many Blackberry-equipped employees survive work seminars. (“He was giving the guest speaker CPA but also checking for e-mail, instant messaging, and paying some bills online.”)

The younger and wealthier you are, the greater the odds you will be a victim of identity theft.
– MarketWatch.com

Here’s something you probably didn’t know, moms and dads of preschoolers: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under the age of 2 watch no TV. Not even the stuff that has been developed specifically for them. That means no “Baby Bach”. No “Smart Baby”. No “Baby Genius”. Not only is there no evidence that these products make babies smarter, a recent report concludes, there’s also reason to believe that, if overused, they might be harmful to a baby’s growing brain. (Guess “Teletubbies” is out then, too? La la la.)
– “Fort Worth Star-Telegram”

Bodies of the first ‘Knights Templar’, the mysterious religious order at the heart of “The Da Vinci Code”, have been found by archaeologists beneath the ruined walls of Jacob’s Ford, a castle in northern Israel dating back to the Crusades which had been lost for centuries. They can be dated to the exact day – August 29, 1179 – that they were killed by Saladin, the feared Muslim leader who captured the fortress. British historian Tom Asbridge says the discovery is the equivalent of the ‘Holy Grail’ to archaeologists. (He could not explain why the knights were each buried with a standard-bearer carrying two coconuts.)
– “Daily Telegraph”

“With all the lunges, squats and leg presses, I’ve added an inch of muscle to my butt.”
– “Desperate Housewives” actress Eva Longoria on the results of her vigorous exercise routine. Hey, thanks for sharing.


1944 [62] John Kay (Joachim Krauledat), Tilsit, Germany (raised Toronto ON), classic rock singer (Steppenwolf-“Born to be Wild”, “Magic Carpet Ride”)/”Canada’s Walk of Fame” (2004)

1947 [59] David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” since
1993, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-93)/TV producer (Worldwide Pants)

1947 [59] Tom Clancy, Baltimore MD, top-selling author (“Sum of All Fears”, “Clear & Present Danger”) who’s reportedly worth circa $200 million/co-owner of Baltimore Orioles MLB team

1956 [50] Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana, Cuba, movie actor (“Ocean’s Eleven [Twelve]”, “The Untouchables”)

1957 [49] Vince Gill, Norman OK, country singer (Grammy Awards–“When Love Finds You”, “I Still Believe in You”, “When I Call Your Name”)/Mr Amy Grant since 2000

1978 [28] Guy Berryman, Kirkcaldy, Scotland, rock bassist (Coldplay-“Speed of Sound”, “Clocks”)

1979 [27] Claire Danes, NYC, movie actress (“The Hours”, “Romeo & Juliet”)

• “Licorice Day”. The best kind?  We say ‘zout’ (salt) from The Netherlands. A recent UK study says licorice is good for dental health. (If you like black teeth, presumably.)

• “Look Up At The Sky Day”, because cloudscapes are the greatest free show on Earth! (Except for this show.)
NET: http://www.cloudappreciationsociety.org

• “Teens Against Zits Day”. Wouldn’t that mean logically that someone, somewhere is actually FOR them?

• “Thank You, School Librarian Day”, a day for students to express gratitude to the person they’ve grown to know and love through a thousand detentions.

• “Vote Lawyers Out of Office Day”, a day of commitment to never vote for a shyster … er, an attorney.

1992 [14] ‘Euro Disney’ opens in Marne-la-Vallee, France (now called ‘Disneyland Paris’)

1994 [12] Exotic dancer Chesty Love legally claims surgical breast implants as a ‘Business Expense’

1967 [39] “O Canada” officially becomes national anthem (bet you don’t know all the words)

1999 [07] Shania Twain becomes only female artist to sell 10 million units of back-to-back album releases

1606 [400] Britain’s ‘Union Jack’ flag is first adopted, blending England’s red-on-white ‘Cross of St George’ with Scotland’s white-on-blue ‘Cross of St Andrew (the red cross of St Patrick for Ireland is added in 1801)

1980 [26] Terry Fox begins “Marathon of Hope” in St John’s NL (forced to stop at Thunder Bay ON)

1985 [21] US Senator Jake Garn becomes 1st ‘Politician in Space’ (couldn’t we send them all?)

1988 [18] 1st ‘Animal Lifeform’ to be patented (Harvard U registers a genetically-engineered mouse)

1994 [12] 1st ‘E-mail Spam’ as Arizona law firm Canter & Siegel flood Internet addresses with their ad

1996 [10] ‘Petronas Towers’ in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia declared ‘World’s Tallest Building’ at 452 m (1,483 ft)  FACTOID: As of 2003, the 508-meter (1,667-ft) ‘Taipei 101′ in Taiwan took over the title, but by 2007 Shanghai China’s ‘World Financial Center’ will become tallest.

[Thurs] Scrabble Day
[Thurs-Apr 20] Passover (Jewish)
[Fri] Good Friday
[Fri] Audubon Day
[Fri] Ex-Spouse’s Day
[Sun] Easter Sunday
[Sun] Stress Awareness Day
[Mon] Easter Monday
[Mon] Canadian Equality Day
[Mon] US Income Tax deadline
[Mon] International Ford Mustang Day
[Mon] 110th Boston Marathon
This Week is … Garden Week (most often celebrated by the neighbor’s dog)
This Month Is … Sexually Transmitted Diseases Education & Awareness Month


• Tough to get dates when you always smell ‘eggy’.
• Make one little mistake … and they turn your feet into a key-chain.
• Getting yelled at for leaving behind those special ‘licorice jelly beans’.
• Spending the day after Easter plucking the buckshot out of your tail.
• That green plastic grass is impossible to get lit.

• What was the real last name of late music legend Johnny Cash?
a. Cass
b. Cooper
c. Cash [CORRECT]

• You’re suffering from ephebiphobia [‘eh-FEE-bih-fobe-ee-uh’]. What is it that you’re so afraid of?
a. Tulips.
b. The Easter Bunny.
c. Teenagers. [CORRECT]

• In 1950, what was Canada’s most populous city?
a. Toronto
b. Montréal [CORRECT]
c. Saskatoon.

• Drink till he/she’s cute … stop before you get married
• Drawing on my fine command of language … I said nothing.

• Do you think naming your kid ‘Moses’ is cruel and unusual punishment? (The name picked by Chris Martin & Gwyneth Paltrow for their new son.)
• What would constitute a ‘perfect evening’ for you?

Are the following statements about beasts factual or phony?
• The color red angers bulls and makes them charge. [BS. Like most other animals, they’re most likely color blind.]
• A polecat is not a cat. [TRUE. It is a nocturnal weasel.]
• A prairie dog is not a dog. [TRUE. It is a rodent.]
• No one knows why, but the common housefly can only make right-hand turns. [BS]
• The ant has the largest brain in proportion to the size of its body of any creature. [TRUE]
• Songbirds instinctively know how to sing at birth. [BS. Research shows they learn from other birds.]

Today’s Question: More than expensive gifts, THIS is what really impresses a woman according to a recent poll.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: When a man makes dinner reservations.  

The greatest ability is dependability.


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