Monday, April 10, 2006 Edition: #3257
Touch Your Screen – This BS Is Still Warm!
WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• There are rumors that Angelina Jolie is in talks to take a role in “Ocean’s 13″, which would mean again working alongside her man Brad Pitt. First though, she’s due to give birth to Brad’s child NEXT MONTH. They’re currently holed up at a secluded Namibian beach resort surrounded by tight security, prompting speculation that their baby will be born in Africa.
– “The Guardian “ / “E!”
• A few details on the latest antics by flaky “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul – she’s filed assault charges against former CAA talent agent Jim Lefkowitz, who allegedly slammed her into a wall at a private party after an argument. Abdul claims she suffered a concussion and spinal injuries. Her ex-boyfriend, Dante Spencer, reportedly rushed to her defense and punched Lefkowitz in the face. Now here’s the strange part – this occurred before LAST WEEK’s episodes, in which she showed no signs of distress whatsoever.
– “People Magazine” / “National Enquirer”
• Reality TV producer Mark Burnett (“Survivor”/”The Apprentice”) is teaming up with uber-director Steven Spielberg to create a FOX-TV series that will give its winner a DreamWorks studio development deal. The show, “On the Lot”, will be a talent competition for aspiring directors that will allow the audience to affect the outcome.
– “Hollywood Reporter” / “Us Weekly”
• “The OC’s” Mischa Barton is allegedly trying to get fired from the show by pulling a host of sickies. The 20-year-old has apparently been worried about the show’s spiraling ratings and is also concerned about being typecast as a teen brat. According to reports, Mischa has been frequently calling in sick or arriving late on the set, much to the displeasure of her bosses.
– “NY Post”
• K-Fed’s album isn’t even officially released yet and already Thomas Dolby is accusing Kevin Federline of illegally sampling his 1983 hit “She Blinded Me with Science” for the track “America’s Most Hated”. Dolby has posted a request on Federline’s MySpace site asking that he cease and desist. MTV reports this may not be the end of the saga as the matter has been referred to Dolby’s lawyers.
– “E! Online” / About.com Top 40/Pop
• OK, we already found out the new ‘James Bond’, 37-year-old Daniel Craig, hates guns and can’t drive a standard transmission. Now we find out – he can’t play poker either. When “Casino Royale” bosses discovered he was clueless at the game while trying to shoot a casino scene, they flew in an expert to teach him some tips. And there’s more – he’s also confessed he doesn’t like ‘007’s top tipple either – the famous martini shaken, not stirred.
– “The Sun”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Avril Lavigne – She & fiancé Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 will tie the knot THIS SUMMER in a traditional church wedding, but the reception will reportedly feature circus performers. Oh, and word has it she’s already been designing a nursery for her home. Major announcement soon?
• Billy Talent – They’re among a collaboration of Canadian rockers who’ve recorded “Song For Africa”, a project to raise awareness and money for AIDS relief in Africa. Two versions of the song are expected to be released in JUNE.
• Eminem– He may be facing a staggering $50-million divorce settlement. A pal of estranged wife Kim Mathers claims this time she’ll ‘go for the gold’ and predicts one of the biggest, nastiest, costliest divorces in music industry history.
• Jessica Simpson – She’s being sued for $100 million by Tarrant Apparel Co, which claims she failed to honor a multimillion-dollar deal to promote low-priced jeans and other clothing.
• Mariah Carey – She’s locked up an undisclosed amount in a deal to develop and market her own line of fragrance products by Elizabeth Arden. Her first fragrance will debut NEXT SPRING.
• Pink – THIS AFTERNOON she guest on the “Oprah Winfrey Show”
• Rolling Stones – SATURDAY they played their first-ever concert in mainland China in Shanghai. Chinese censors asked them to exclude 5 songs, including “Beast of Burden”, “Let’s Spend the Night Together”, “Brown Sugar” and “Honky Tonk Women”. The 5th banned tune is believed to have been “Rough Justice” off “A Bigger Bang”.
• Sean Paul – TONIGHT he performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
2006 CMT MUSIC AWARDS:
TONIGHT comic Jeff Foxworthy returns to host country music’s only fan-voted awards show, live from the Curb Event Center in Nashville TN. A few highlights …
• Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley, and Brooks & Dunn lead nominations with 3 apiece. Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and Keith Urban are among the other nominees.
• “Walk the Line” stars Joaquin Phoenix & Reese Witherspoon are nominated for ‘Collaborative Video of the Year’.
• The final nominees for ‘Video of the Year’ will be announced at the beginning of the show and fans can vote during the telecast to determine the winner.
• Performances include Gretchen Wilson, Brooks & Dunn, and Kenny Chesney.
ALIENS CAN BE A PAIN IN THE BUTT:
Mary Rodwell, the loony author of a new book called “Awakening: How Extraterrestrial Contact Can Transform Your Life”, claims that being abducted by aliens may actually be a beneficial experience. The dreaded ‘alien anal probe’, for example, may be good for your health. Rodwell claims that there are hundreds of cases in which people suffering from chronic ailments before being abducted were completely cured after receiving an invigorating probe. (Yeah, does wonders … just ask any middle-aged guy after his annual medical check-up.)
ALL-TIME GREATEST MOVIE SCRIPTS:
According to a poll by the Writers Guild of America, here’s the best screenplays ever written …
5. “All About Eve”
4. “Citizen Kane”
2. “The Godfather”
BIRDS THAT ARE SMARTER THAN YOU:
Here’s a new word for you – ‘psittalinguist’. That’s a person who interprets the speech of – budgies. According to 50-year-old Ryan B Reynolds of St Catharines ON, founder of The Budgie Research Group, his late budgie ‘Victor’ had a vocabulary of 1,000 words. Since the bird bit it in 1999, Reynolds has devoted his time to deconstructing recordings of talking budgies with the help of over 1,000 other ‘psittalinguists’ worldwide. Now here’s where it gets weird(er) – Reynolds claims budgies talk about deep philosophical issues and also – wait for it – predict the future. It seems ‘Victor’ correctly predicted the tsunami in Asia and also warned of a coming super-volcano. (By shooting ‘lava’ all over his cage.)
– “Paranormal News”
TOWN FOR SALE ON eBAY … AGAIN:
The entire town of Bridgeville, in northern California, is being offered for sale on the Internet with a starting price of just under $3 million. It’s the 2nd time the town has been offered for auction, after being bought for about $1.6 million 4 years ago. Owner Bruce Krall describes the town as having 83 acres on a mile of river frontage, with 8 houses and a 136-year-old post office, supposedly the 2nd-longest continuously operating post office in the USA. (Can you collect your own taxes?)
– ABC News
I SEE AN STD IN YOUR FUTURE:
A Japanese woman is raking in some really good coin reading men’s fortunes by – performing a variety of intimate acts on them. ‘Kaho’, who works in a brothel in Nagoya, Japan, claims she has foreseen future events for over 1,000 men in the past year, and has even helped one man win a huge amount of money at the racetrack. For women in Japan, there’s another psychic who reads their futures by – studying their breasts. (“Apologies, buxom lady, but you will notice many men staring at you …”)
– “Mainichi Daily News”
A few weeks ago we learned of the winner of Bookseller magazine’s ‘Oddest Book Title of the Year Award’, which went to a book called “People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It”. And here’s a new book that should easily win next year’s competition, a German science book available at Amazon.com entitled – “The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth”. (Readers say this is one book that they just can’t put down – literally.)
HE SAID IT:
“Maybe to some extent 80 is the new 40. I truly believe that age – if you’re healthy – is just a number. On many levels I feel younger today than I did 10, 15 years ago.”
– “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner , who officially became an octogenarian YESTERDAY.
THE BULL SHEET 04.10.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1936  John Madden, Austin MN, TV football analyst (“NBC Sunday Night NFL Football beginning in SEPTEMBER, “ABC Monday Night Football” 2002-2005, ex-FOX, ex-CBS)/ex-NFL coach (Oakland Raiders 1969-79)
1951  Steven Seagal, Lansing MI, has-been movie actor (“Under Siege”)/black belt in judo, kendo & aikido
1958  Kenneth ‘Babyface’ Edmonds, Indianapolis IN, pop singer (w/Madonna-“Take a Bow”)/songwriter (“Waiting to Exhale”)/recording producer (Toni Braxton, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Eric Clapton, etc)
1984  Mandy Moore, Nashua NH, pop singer (“Cry”)/movie actress (“A Walk to Remember”) UP NEXT: The romantic comedy “License to Wed”, about a young couple whose wedding plans are delayed when a minister (Robin Williams) orders them to complete a pre-nup class.
1988  Haley Joel Osment, LA CA, movie actor (“The Sixth Sense”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Encourage a Young Writer Day”. (Tell them Hallmark is always in the market for talent.)
• “Golfers Day” honoring everyone who walks a mile chasing the little white ball, on the 90th anniversary of the first PGA championship in 1916. A poll of golfers asks what’s the most annoying item that should be banned from golf courses. The #1 answer is cellphones, detested by 71%. 41% dislike electronic distance measurers, 11% hate those oversize putters, and 7% are against golf carts.
• “Salvation Army Founders Day”. (Without them, [co-host] wouldn’t have a wardrobe.)
• “Siblings Day”, honoring brothers and sisters who are living, those who aren’t … and perhaps those who shouldn’t be.
THIS WEEK IS . .
“Bathroom Reading Week”, in appreciation of the ‘porcelain library’ in every home, office and airport. What do you think’s the best material au john? A selected reading list …
• “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader”
• “Single-Sitting Summaries of Classics”
• “Stupid Celebrities: Over 500 of the Most Idiotic Things Ever Said”
• “Ever Wonder Why?”
• “The Ultimate Bathroom Reader”
• “Guinness Book of World Records”
– About.com / AskMen.com
“Canadian Wildlife Week”, first declared in 1947 by an act of Parliament to honor the birth date of Jack Miner (APRIL 10), one of the founders of Canada’s conservation movement and the namesake of the world famous waterfowl sanctuary in Kingsville ON which he established in 1904. He’s credited as a key player in saving Canada Geese from extinction. (So HE’S the reason we can’t walk in the park anymore!)
Also this week …
Guitar Week / Medical Laboratory Week / Be Kind to Animals Week / Harmony Week / Library Week / Building Safety Week / Garden Week / Home Safety Week / Private Property Week
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1970  Paul McCartney announces he’s leaving The Beatles
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841  City of Halifax NS is incorporated
1937  Founding of Trans-Canada Airlines (now Air Canada)
1849  1st ‘Safety Pin’ is patented (NYC’s Walter Hunt later sells patent for a paltry $400, perhaps because he didn’t invent the idea – it had been around for hundreds of years!)
1984  1st ‘Frozen-Embryo Child’ is born (a girl named ‘Zoe’ in Melbourne, Australia)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1993  Pittsburgh Penguins win NHL-record 17th consecutive game
1996  Detroit Red Wings become 2nd NHL team to ever win 60 regular-season games (joining 1976-77 Montréal Canadiens)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Barbershop Quartet Day
[Tues] Muhammad’s Birthday (Islamic)
[Wed] Thank You School Librarian Day
[Thurs] Scrabble Day
[Thurs-Apr 20] Passover (Jewish)
[Fri] Good Friday
[Fri] Ex-Spouse’s Day
BS OFFICE SCOPE:
According to UK workplace consultants Croner, here are the best & worst bosses under the stars, based on their signs …
• Aquarius: People working for these bosses feel challenged, included and motivated. Aquarians love change and thinking up new ways to make things better.
• Leo: They love to take the limelight and therefore make excellent leaders, especially for energetic employees who appreciate their lively leadership style.
• Taurus: Strong leaders who are patient, genuine and determined. They provide direction but also allow employees to be creative and express themselves.
• Libra: Total pushovers who do anything to keep the peace. They can be creative but lack any sense of direction.
• Pisces: Unpredictable and idealistic, leaving many employees frustrated by their lack of leadership.
• Capricorn: They thrive on systems and processes but at the same time dislike new methods and ideas, thereby stifling the imagination of go-getter employees.
– Condensed from “Toronto Star”
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Would you accept $1 million to leave the country and never set foot in it again?
• Would you be willing to give up all TV for 5 years if it would induce someone to provide for 1,000 starving children?
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• This morning we’re going to have more fun than a cat in a room full of whoopee cushions!
• Cats know precisely when their owners will wake up … then promptly awaken them 10 minutes earlier.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: When it comes to spring cleaning, men say THIS is the most rewarding part of the house to clean while women feel it’s the least rewarding.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The garage.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.