Friday, April 12, 2019 Edition: #6435
You Sound Like Sheet!
BS SUBSCRIBER NOTE:
“The Bull Sheet” is headed off for a late spring break and will not be publishing Monday April 15 through Monday April 22. All subscribers will receive credit for missed service days. The Bull Sheet will resume publication on Tuesday, April 23.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ From the “I did NOT expect that” department, Kim Kardashian is studying to be a lawyer. In an interview with Vogue magazine, she said she was inspired to pursue law after working to grant convicted drug trafficker Alice Marie Johnson clemency last year. She began a four-year apprenticeship at a San Francisco law firm last summer, and now studies 18 hours a week with two practicing attorneys, with a goal of taking the bar exam in 2022.
(At least then she’ll be famous for SOMETHING!)
-DailyMail
★ Ryan Murphy revealed the long-awaited title of the upcoming ninth season of “American Horror Story” with a cryptic Instagram video. The teaser, which is set to the Billie Eilish song ‘Six Feet Under’, follows a masked man chasing a teenage girl through the woods, and indicates that the next installment is called “American Horror Story: 1984”. The short clip, which has a “slasher movie” vibe to it, also confirms that Season 9 will debut this fall.
-TheWrap
★ Donald Glover and Rihanna’s secretive new film “Guava Island” is coming to Amazon Prime Video this weekend — for free! Glover tweeted that it will be available to stream starting tomorrow at 12:01 am and it will be available to watch for free for 18 hours. Guava Island is described as a tropical thriller about a local musician who wants to throw a festival. It was shot on location in Cuba.
-Canoe
★ Jim Jarmusch’s zombie film “The Dead Don’t Die” will open the 72nd annual Cannes Film Festival. It stars Bill Murray, Adam Driver, Chloe Sevigny, Steve Buscemi, Danny Glover and more in what is billed as “the greatest zombie cast ever disassembled”. The festival calls the movie a “humorous and sometimes scary subversion of the genre but also a tribute to cinema itself.” The Dead Don’t Die will be released in North America on June 14.
-Canoe
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Ethan Hawke, Kate del Castillo, Ronny Chieng
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Paul Giamatti, Sen. Doug Jones, Aparna Nancherla, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (R)
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Jordan Peele, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Action Bronson (R)
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Stephen Merchant, Kate Walsh, Natalie Prass (R)
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): David Oyelowo, Holly Robinson Peete
• “The Talk” (CBS): Vicki Lawrence, Sara Bareilles, guest co-host Irika Sargent
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Kate Hudson, Gwendoline Christie, Dean Lewis
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Emma Thompson, Pete Buttigieg
• “Fresh off the Boat” (ABC): Season 5 finale
• “Stanley Cup Playoffs” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): Columbus vs. Tampa Bay; Pittsburgh vs. NY Islanders; St. Louis vs. Winnipeg; Vegas vs. San Jose
SATURDAY-
• “Nate and Jeremiah by Design” (TLC): Design experts Nate and Jeremiah hope they can finally
help Albert keep his promise to Anna.
• “Stanley Cup Playoffs” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): Carolina vs. Washington; Dallas vs. Nashville; Toronto vs. Boston; Colorado vs. Calgary
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC): Emma Stone hosts, with musical guest BTS
SUNDAY-
• “Game of Thrones” (HBO): Season 8 premiere
• “Stanley Cup Playoffs” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): NY Islanders vs. Pittsburgh; Tampa Bay vs. Columbus; Winnipeg vs. St. Louis; San Jose vs. Vegas
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Billie Eilish — had to seek the approval of the cast of the US sitcom “The Office” to sample their voices on her song ‘My Strange Addiction’. She used lines from the episode ‘Threat Level Midnight’, which featured Steve Carrell as Michael Scott screening his action film in which he portrays a secret agent. The voices of B.J. Novak, John Krasinski and Mindy Kaling were also sampled.
• Taylor Swift — is always there for her Swifties. When she heard of a big fan named Lindsay who is in hospital following a car accident, Swift sent a floral arrangement and handwritten note.
• Khalid – is among the first the first round of performers announced for the 2019 Billboard Music Awards May 1. Also announced: Kelly Clarkson, Lauren Daigle, Panic! At The Disco and Sam Smith & Normani.
• Elton John — is known for his outrageous stage persona, but he says that’s not the real him. Quote: ”I was so shy as a child, and I still am. Getting onstage and doing what I did was an escape from having to be shy.”
• AC/DC — are back in the studio and “doing something” musically together, according to their longtime engineer Mike Fraser. Rumors have been circulating about possible new AC/DC material ever since band members were seen leaving a studio in Vancouver last summer.
• Elvis Presley – Investors would like to move his “Graceland” home overseas. Management has received offers to move the estate to Japan, China or the Middle East, with the idea that Graceland could make more money elsewhere. After the White House, Graceland is said to be the most-visited private home in the US.
• Earl Thomas Conley — has died at 77. Known for hit songs including ‘Holding Her and Loving You’, ‘What I’d Say’ and ‘Right From the Start’, he had a condition similar to dementia, and had been in hospice care for several months, according to his brother Fred.
• Keith Urban – Although he helped Loretta Lynn celebrate her 87th birthday by jumping out of a giant birthday cake at a concert in Nashville, he was turned down when he offered to reprise his performance for George Strait when he turns 87 (in 2039). Urban says that when he offered, Strait thanked him and said, “’I think I’ll have Lee Ann Womack do it.”
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Hellboy” (R-Rated, Action/Adventure): Based on the graphic novels by Mike Mignola. Hellboy, caught between the worlds of the supernatural and human, battles an ancient sorceress bent on revenge. (David Harbour, Milla Jovovich)
• “Missing Link” (PG, Animation/Comedy): Mr. Link recruits explorer Sir Lionel Frost to help find his long-lost relatives in the fabled valley of Shangri-La. Along with adventurer Adelina Fortnight, they travel the world and learn that sometimes you can find a family in the places you least expect. (Hugh Jackman, Zach Galifianakis, Zoe Saldana)
• “After” (PG-13, Drama/Romance): A young woman falls for a guy with a dark secret and the two embark on a rocky relationship. Based on the novel by Anna Todd. (Hero Fiennes Tiffin, Selma Blair)
• “Little” (PG-13, Comedy): A woman is transformed into her younger self at a point in her life when the pressures of adulthood become too much to bear. (Regina Hall, Issa Rae)
• “Wild Nights with Emily” (PG-13, Comedy/Drama, Limited): Dramatization of the little-known side of the writer Emily Dickinson’s life, in particular her relationship with another woman. (Molly Shannon, Susan Ziegler)
DILL WITH IT:
I’ve got to tell you about the newest and trendiest post-workout drink among some fitness fanatics. It’s not some fancy vitamin-drink laced with a magic elixir of alpine water and seaweed, served in a diamond encrusted goblet, or something fancy like that. Its pickle juice. Yes, the tangy liquid used to turn cucumbers into pickles. Devotees swear that it helps with recovery and hydration…helping ease cramps and restore the body’s delicate balance of fluids and electrolytes after a strenuous sweat session. Some drink it straight from the jar (with the pickles still in), while others pick it up at the local deli or market for $3-15…or $45 for a bucketful. Although health experts aren’t coming right out and saying that you SHOULD try pickle juice as a Gatorade replacement, they do agree it has its benefits. But if you have heart disease, you should avoid it due to its high salt content.
(All those years, you didn’t know that Grandma was making sports drinks, did you?)
(Nope. To me, pickle juice is one of the important building blocks of a fantastic post-workout dry martini!)
(I’ve got a feeling that if I drank that stuff, I’d be losing more fluid than I’d be gaining!)
-NYPost
NEWS OF THE WEIRD:
➢ A high school baseball team had to postpone a game after the baseball field was set on fire. Ridgefield, Connecticut police say 25 gallons of gas ended up poured on the field and set on fire in a misguided attempt at drying out a soggy infield. The Ridgefield high school team was to host visiting Amity. Instead, the field played host to a team of firefighters and environmental officials tasked with cleaning up the singed ball field and removing the contaminated soil.
(“I’m not sure how the team’s doing, but at least the field’s on fire!”)
-AP
➢ A still-honeymooning woman in the UAE has filed for divorce from her husband because she says he is too cheap and makes her pay for everything. The unnamed woman filed her case, asking for a divorce from her Iranian husband, who is 13 years her junior. She says that he asked her to pay groceries and bills for electricity and water. To speed things along, she agreed to waive all of her rights just to get the divorce. The woman also complained that her “cheap” husband asked her to register all utility bills under her name, claiming that he had lost all of his personal documents.
(So how was he able to get a marriage licence?)
-OddityCentral
➢ A Detroit police officer is in trouble after he allegedly showed up for training while under the influence of alcohol. Breathalyzer training. The officer, who has not been identified, volunteered during a state police educational session for a demonstration on the use of a breathalyzer, during which he blew a .08 on the unit. The officer was not arrested because he was not armed at the time and did not drive to the training session. He was informed he cannot be intoxicated in police training.
(They should have known something was going on when he showed up in yesterday’s uniform!)
-WXYZ, CNN
BS CHRONOMETER 04.12.19
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [73] Ed O’Neill, Youngstown OH, TV actor (‘Jay Pritchett’ on “Modern Family” since 2009, “Married With Children” 1987-97)
1947 [72] David Letterman, Indianapolis IN, retired TV host (“Late Show with David Letterman” 1993-2015, “Late Night with David Letterman” 1982-93)/TV producer (Worldwide Pants)
1956 [63] Andy Garcia (Andrés Arturo García Menéndez), Havana, Cuba, movie actor (“Ocean’s Eleven” movies, “The Untouchables”)
1957 [62] Vince Gill, Norman OK, country singer (Grammy Awards-‘When Love Finds You’, ‘I Still Believe in You’, ‘When I Call Your Name’)/currently touring as a member of the Eagles/married to singer Amy Grant since 2000
1960 [59] Ron MacLean, Zweibrucken, Germany, TV sportscaster (“Coach’s Corner with Don Cherry” since 1986, “Hockey Night in Canada” host 1986-present, except for those regrettable 2 years…)
1971 [48] Shannon Doherty, Memphis TN, actress (“Beverly Hills 90210” 1990-1994, “Charmed” 1998-2001)
1979 [40] Claire Danes, NYC, TV actress (“Homeland” since 2011)/movie actress (“The Family Stone”, “The Hours”)
1994 [25] Saoirse (SUR-SHA) Ronan, New York City NY, movie actress (“Lady Bird”, “The Lovely Bones”)
SATURDAY-
Ron Perlman (“Sons of Anarchy”) is 69; Max Weinberg (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band) is 68; Ricky Schroder (“NYPD Blue”) is 49; Aaron Lewis (Staind-‘It’s Been Awhile’) is 47; Allison Williams (“Girls”) is 31
SUNDAY-
Loretta Lynn (‘Coal Miner’s Daughter’) is 87; Robert Carlyle (“Trainspotting”) is 58; Anthony Michael Hall (“The Breakfast Club”) is 51; Adrien Brody (“The Pianist”) is 46; Sarah Michelle Gellar (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) is 42; Abigail Breslin (“Scream Queens”) is 23
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day”. Almost anyone can make one, but almost everyone does it a bit differently. What’s your secret trick?
• “Only Child Day”, for those among us who are fortunate enough to have never experienced an atomic wedgie from a sibling.
• “Licorice Day”. The best kind? We say ‘zout’ (salt) from The Netherlands. A UK study says licorice is good for dental health. (It’s the anise that does it.)
NET: http://www.licoriceinternational.com
• “Walk on Your Wild Side Day”, a day to do something unpredictable. Go to work dressed like a gorilla, get a Master’s degree, something ‘they’ said you’d never do. (Or maybe actually work right up until quitting time?)
• “Day of Silence”, the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network’s (GLSEN) annual day of action to protest bullying and harassment of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) students. Supporters take a day-long vow of silence in protest.
NET: http://www.dayofsilence.org
SATURDAY-
• “Scrabble Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular games on the anniversary of the 1899 birth date of its inventor, Alfred Butts, a jobless architect who came up with the idea during the Great Depression of the 1930s. A few facts …
– Among the proposed names for early versions of ‘Scrabble’ were ‘Lexiko’ and ‘Criss Cross Words’.
– After ‘Scrabble’ was trademarked in 1948, the game was manufactured by friends and family, who painstakingly stamped letters on wooden tiles one at a time. Rate of production: 12 games an hour.
– The game was just a fad with Butts’ friends until a Macy’s executive saw it being played at a resort in 1952 and the then-world’s largest department store soon began carrying it.
• “National Peach Cobbler Day” A cobbler is a deep-dish fruit pie covered with a thick crust
made from biscuit dough. (You had me at deep-dish. And at thick crust. And at biscuit dough.)
• “Record Store Day”, an annual celebration on the 3rd Saturday in April of the old-fashioned indie disc shops where people used to hang out and listen to the latest music.
SUNDAY-
• “Dolphin Day”, established in the 1990s to focus on the worldwide plight of dolphins.
• “Pathologists Assistant Day”, the 6th annual celebration of those who assist distinct but inter-related medical specialties which diagnose disease through the analysis of tissue, cell, and body fluid samples. Icky.
• “National Pecan Day”, is it pee-CAHN or PEE-can??
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1988 [31] Sonny Bono (of Sonny & Cher) is elected mayor in his hometown of Palm Springs, California. He holds the position until 1992; in 1994 he is elected to Congress.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1961 [58] The Soviet Union successfully launches the first man into space. Yuri Gagarin, a 27-year-old air force major, orbits the Earth in 1 hr 40 minutes.
1980 [39] Terry Fox begins his “Marathon of Hope” for cancer research at Cape Spear near St. John’s, Newfoundland
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
2008 [11] With her latest single, ‘4 Minutes’, Madonna tops Elvis as the artist with the most all-time top 10 hits on “Billboard” charts (37) She now has 38.
2015 [04] Jordan Spieth wins The Masters golf tournament, tying Tiger Woods’ record-setting 72-hole score of 18 under par (1997)
BULL’S BITS
BS WACK FACTS:
✓ The old-time word for a kiss on the hand is “baisemain.”
✓ Victorian families often kept hedgehogs in kitchens as a form of pest control, because they eat insects.
✓ In a fight between a tiger and a lion, the tiger is heavily favored.
✓ All tortoises are turtles, but not all turtles are tortoises.
✓ About 1 in 10,000 chickens can change their gender.
✓ Some people never develop fingerprints.
-WhattheFFacts
Best of BS . . .
BS SIGNS YOUR ACCOUNTANT HAS BAD NEWS ABOUT YOUR TAX RETURN:
• Starts conversation with, “Just how attached are you to living indoors?”
• Keeps referring to you as ‘the defendant’.
• You can’t hear what she’s trying to tell you over the whir of her paper shredder.
• Keeps asking you if you’re SURE you don’t have more children.
• You notice a cameraman from “Dateline” lurking in the lobby at work.
• Includes a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card with his invoice.
-First published in ‘BS’ in 2000
BS SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY’S NUTS:
• Neighbor bunnies describe him as ‘a quiet loner’.
• Just — can’t — stop — washing — his — paws.
• Loves to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.
• Hides all the eggs in his pants.
• Had the words ‘bite me’ shaved into the fur on his back.
• Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
• He is a bunny and he’s handing out eggs. Shouldn’t that be enough?
-First published in BS in 2002
BS RANDOM JOKE:
If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.
BS PHONE STARTER:
What is the dumbest question you’ve ever been asked at work?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: For whatever reason, 10% of women say they have done THIS in the bathroom. What is it? Answer: Snacked!
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?
