Friday, April 13, 2018 Edition: #6197
You Got the Sheet, Man!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ It seems that John Krasinski and Emily Blunt have taken horror movies to a new level. Not only did their new hit flick “A Quiet Place” terrify viewers, but the extended periods of silence created some problems for movie-goers who wanted to munch on their snacks. Some people took to Twitter to mock how sensitive to noises the audience seemed to be, while others said that even though they bought snacks, they were too self-conscious to actually eat them in the theater.
-MSN
★ David and Victoria Beckham may have grown apart a little after nearly two decades of marriage, but they’re not looking to end their relationship any time soon. Victoria recently decided she is done living in Los Angeles and wants to move the family back to the U.K. to work on her fashion line. David, on the other hand, is enjoying his retirement from soccer and often “does his own thing,” An insider told Us Weekly that “They will always be family, but David and Victoria are leading very different lives. . . It’s not unusual for couples to change and grow apart.”
(Yes, but a whole ocean apart?)
-MSN
★ Adele almost officiated Amy Schumer and Chris Fischer’s wedding. And Schumer has revealed that it was Adele who convinced them to walk down the aisle in the first place. She says: “We were real drunk one night and talking about how we wanted to get married and Adele was like, ‘Well, I can marry you,’ and we were like, ‘OK, cool.’ We were making a whole plan, like Tuesday at noon, because she takes care of her kid.” The next day, when everyone had sobered up, Adele told Schumer that she didn’t feel comfortable officiating the ceremony.
-Canoe
★ Dakota Johnson needed therapy after filming the “Suspiria” remake. Johnson stars as Suzy, an American ballet dancer who wins a place at a renowned German academy, only to discover disappearances and deaths on campus as a result of dark powers at work, in the new take on Dario Argento’s 1977 cult classic.
(Yeah, well I needed therapy after seeing her in the third “Fifty Shades” movie!)
-ContactMusic
★ It’s been four years since Jim Carrey had a lead role in a feature film, and now he’s back with the new crime thriller “Dark Crimes”. The trailer shows Carrey’s character discover similarities between an unsolved murder and sex crime…to a novel by a famous crime writer. Determined to tie the writer to the crimes, he develops a dangerous obsession with the writer’s girlfriend, a sex club worker. “Dark Crimes” will appear on DirectTV April 19 and on VOD in May.
-MSN
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Jeff Daniels, Joe Manganiello, Brian Regan
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Aubrey Plaza, Rainbow Kitten Surprise, Cookie Monster
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Leslie Mann, Jared Harris, Sen. Amy Klobuchar, Steve Smith ( R )
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Camila Morrone, Robert Plant ( R )
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Nathan Lane
• “The Talk” (CBS): Helen Hunt
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Emily Blunt, January Jones, Guy Fieri
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Jason Sudeikis, Ali Wong
• “Stanley Cup Playoffs” (CBC/TSN/NBCSN/SN): Philadelphia vs. Pittsburgh, Minnesota vs. Winnipeg, Los Angeles vs. Las Vegas
SATURDAY-
• “Elvis Presley: The Searcher” (HBO): A two-part profile of Elvis Presley begins with his early life in Mississippi; his first encounter with Sun Records Sam Phillips; and his decision to sign with a national label.
• “UFC Fight Night” (FOX): Dustin Poirier takes on Justin Gaethje in the lightweight main event on the MMA card in Glendale, Ariz.
• “SaturdayNight Live” (NBC): Host John Mulaney with musical guest Jack White
• Stanley Cup Playoffs” (CBC/TSN/NBCSN/SN): Colorado vs. Nashville, New Jersey vs. Tampa Bay, Toronto vs. Boston, San Jose vs. Anaheim
SUNDAY-
• “53rd Academy of Country Music Awards” (CBS): Performers include Jason Aldean, Kelsea Ballerini, Dierks Bentley, Luke Bryan, Kenny Chesney, Florida Georgia Line, Lady Antebellum, Miranda Lambert, Maren Morris, Bebe Rexha. Hosted by Reba McEntire.
• “Fear the Walking Dead” (AMC): Season 4 premiere
• “The Walking Dead” (AMC): Season finale
• “Stanley Cup Playoffs” (CBC/TSN/NBCSN/SN): Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia, Winnipeg vs. Minnesota, Columbus vs. Washington, Las Vegas vs. Los Angeles
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Taylor Swift – A Connecticut man robbed a bank and then went to her Rhode Island mansion where he threw cash over a fence in an attempt to impress her. Police say “it seemed he wanted to propose” to Swift.
• Mariah Carey – has revealed that she has a bipolar disorder. She was diagnosed when she was hospitalized in 2001 for a breakdown, and says at the time she didn’t believe it. Quote: “I lived in denial and isolation and in constant fear someone would expose me…I sought and received treatment, I put positive people around me and I got back to doing what I love — writing songs and making music.”
• Katharine McPhee – has realized a childhood dream and made her Broadway debut. She opened in the starring role in the musical “Waitress” on Tuesday night.
• U2 – Some employees at the Place Bell in Laval PQ near Montreal confirm that the band is rehearsing there for the ‘eXPERIENCE + iNNOCENCE’ tour, which begins May 2 in Oklahoma.
• David Bowie – his handwriting style is one of a series of downloadable fonts of acclaimed songwriters’ scrawls that has been released online. The creators say they hope the software will inspire other artists. Songwritersfonts.com also offers free typefaces based on the handwriting of John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, and Leonard Cohen. (Get ready to see a lot of “autographed” merchandise pop up for sale!)
• Tom Cochrane – reworked the lyrics of his song ‘Big League’ on Tuesday night for a special performance honoring the Humboldt Broncos. The former leader of Red Rider played an acoustic version to begin TSN’s NHL playoff preview special. Many Canadians began associating the lyrics with the 15 people who were killed in a highway accident when the Humboldt Broncos’ bus collided with a semi-trailer in northern Saskatchewan.
• Skid Row – Original frontman Sebastian Bach has announced dates for a summer tour of North America. He’ll will be joined by Canadian rock duo The Standstills.
• Iron Maiden – fans will have some more options for this year’s Halloween fun with the announcement of four new masks of the band’s iconic mascot ‘Eddie’, which will be available in time for the holiday.
• Florida Georgia Line – are putting the final touches on their fourth studio album, and they promise at least one special collaboration. Tyler Hubbard says that one new track features Jason Aldean. That’s the only collaboration that is set in stone so far.
• Jason Aldean – says Miranda Lambert was on the fence about the first song he proposed for their duet on his new “Rearview Town” album, but he didn’t give up. When he suggested ‘Drowns the Whiskey’, a traditional country ballad, he says “She kind of flipped out. She was on board then. And then she came in to sing it and nailed it.”
• Merle Haggard – his oldest daughter, Dana Haggard, has died. No word on a cause of death, but her brother Ben posted that she died at age 61 on Tuesday.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Truth or Dare?” (PG-13, Horror): A harmless game of Truth or Dare among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie or refuse the dare. (Lucy Hale, Tyler Posey)
• “Overboard” (PG-13, Comedy/Romance): A spoiled, wealthy yacht owner is thrown overboard and becomes the target of revenge from his mistreated employee. A remake of the 1987 comedy. (Anna Faris, Eva Longoria)
• “The Rider” (R-Rated, Drama): After suffering a near fatal head injury, a young cowboy undertakes a search for new identity and what it means to be a man in the heartland of America. (Brady Jandreau, Tim Jandreau)
• “Beirut” (R-Rated, Drama): Caught in the crossfires of civil war, CIA operatives must send a former U.S. diplomat to negotiate for the life of a friend he left behind. (Rosamund Pike, Jon Hamm)
• “Borg Vs. McEnroe” (R-Rated, Drama): The story of the 1980s tennis rivalry between the placid Björn Borg and the volatile John McEnroe. (Sverrir Gudnason, Shia LaBeouf)
THOSE WHO CAN’T DO…COACH?
Online dating and dating apps are so popular that the demand for ‘online dating coaches’ has soared. And being a Tinder coach is apparently very, very profitable. The U.K. bidding site Bidvine recently started offering a “Professional Tinder Coach” service. The service claims that they can “help the people out there struggling to find love master the world’s most popular dating app.” In short, they can increase your incidences of receiving right swipes. Services offered include writing a bio or witty opening line, as well as taking and selecting the most effective profile pictures. You can also sign up for Tinder coaching sessions. And that’s where it’ll really cost you. Services start at a whopping $55 an hour. Some coaches are apparently making about $1,000 per month…per client. The services are not only limited to Tinder, you can also receive assistance in increasing your success on Grindr, Bumble, Happn, Zoosk, and more.
(Whatever THEY are. Did you hear me, honey?)
(Do you think the coaches’ wives are impressed that they are making this kind of money, or are they saying, “Where did you learn to do THAT????”)
(***CAUTION: For $1,000 a month, at least you know you’re going to get screwed!***)
-BroBible
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
☞ Police in Leeds, Ont. are reminding people that losing all your money at a casino does not qualify as a 911 emergency. Provincial police in the Thousand Islands Township say they received a call around 5 a.m. on Saturday morning from a woman who had been gambling at the Shoreline Casino Thousand Islands. They say the 21-year-old woman told officers she had lost all her money at the casino and needed help getting home. Before police arrived at the casino, the woman called them back to say someone gave her $20 and she no longer needed their help.
(So her luck didn’t TOTALLY run out…)
-Global
☞ A Northern Michigan resident had an unwanted encounter with an 8-legged intruder earlier this month. Her solution? Call 911. Officers from the Evart Police Department were dispatched to a home after a resident called the emergency number asking for assistance in killing a spider. Despite the caller’s seriousness, she was informed that killing a spider is not a police matter. The spider? The alleged arachnid was gone upon officer’s arrival.
(So you can’t call 911 about a spider, but if you do, they’ll still send the cops?)
-Mlive
☞ A woman applying for a job at a New Hampshire county jail has been arrested because she was wanted on a charge in Maine. Police say Kristina Hoefs of Manchester NH applied for a job at the Hillsborough County Department of Corrections. Workers there soon realized she was being sought on a theft-related offence in Maine. She was taken to police headquarters.
(And then right back to the jail?)
-AP
BS CHRONOMETER 04.13.18
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [68] Ron Perlman, NYC, TV actor (“Sons of Anarchy” 2008-14)/movie actor (“Hellboy” movies, “Beauty & The Beast”) COMING UP… “Asbury Park” 2018
1951 [67] Max Weinberg, South Orange NJ, rock drummer (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band)/TV bandleader (“Late Night With Conan O’Brien” 1993-2009)
1970 48] Ricky Schroder, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (“NYPD Blue” 1998-2001, “Silver Spoons” 1982-1997) /movie actor (“The Champ”)
1972 [46] Aaron Lewis, Rutland VT, rock singer (Staind- ‘Believe’, ‘It’s Been Awhile’)
1988 [30] Allison Williams, New Canaan CT, TV actress (‘Marnie Michaels’ on “Girls” 2012-2017)/daughter of former “NBC Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams
SATURDAY-
1932 [86] Loretta Lynn, Butcher Hollow KY, legendary country (‘Don’t Come Home a Drinkin’ [With Lovin’ on Your Mind’])” /most awarded female country recording artist in history
1961 [57] Robert Carlyle, Glasgow, Scotland, movie actor (“Trainspotting”, “The Full Monty”)TV actor (“Once Upon a Time” since 2011)
1968 [50] Anthony Michael Hall, Boston MA, movie actor (“The Breakfast Club”, “Sixteen Candles”, “Weird Science”)/TV actor (“The Dead Zone” 2002-07)
1973 [45] Adrien Brody, NYC, movie actor (“The Grand Budapest Hotel”, “The Pianist”)/TV actor (“Houdini” 2014)
1977 [41] Sarah Michelle Gellar, NYC, TV actress (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 1997-2003)/movie actress (“Cruel Intentions”)
1996 [22] Abigail Breslin, NYC, TV actress (‘Chanel #5′ on “Scream Queens” since 2015)/movie actress (“Little Miss Sunshine”)
SUNDAY-
Actress Emma Thompson (“Harry Potter” films) is 59; Country Singer Chris Stapleton (‘Traveller’) is 40; Actor Luke Evans (“The Hobbit” films) is 39; Actor Seth Rogen “Knocked Up”) is 36; Actress Emma Watson (“Harry Potter” films) is 28; Actress Maisie Williams (“Game of Thrones”) is 21
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Scrabble Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular games on the anniversary of the 1899 birth date of its inventor, Alfred Butts, a jobless architect who came up with the idea during the Great Depression of the 1930s. A few facts …
– Among the proposed names for early versions of ‘Scrabble’ were ‘Lexiko’ and ‘Criss Cross Words’.
– After ‘Scrabble’ was trademarked in 1948, the game was manufactured by friends and family, who painstakingly stamped letters on wooden tiles one at a time. Rate of production: 12 games an hour.
– The game was just a fad with Butts’ friends until a Macy’s executive saw it being played at a resort in 1952 and the then-world’s largest department store soon began carrying it.
• “National Peach Cobbler Day” A cobbler is a deep-dish fruit pie covered with a thick crust made from biscuit dough. (You had me at deep-dish. And at thick crust. And at biscuit dough.)
• “International Skeptics Day”. We’re not sure there’s really any point to this or that it accomplishes anything at all really.
• “Friday the 13th”, a bad day for those who suffer ‘triskaidekaphobia’ – fear of number 13, or ‘paraskevidekatriaphobia’ — fear of Friday the 13th. Every year has at least 1, but never more than 3.
OTHER BS UNLUCKY THINGS:
• Good luck: You keep a rabbit’s foot in your pocket. Bad luck: It’s chocolate.
• Good luck: You hire a ‘secret agent’ to dig up dirt on the PM. Bad luck: He can’t keep a secret.
• Good luck: Your wife meets you at the door naked. Bad luck: She’s coming home.
• Good luck: You’re hitchhiking and a trucker pulls over. Bad luck: You were using the wrong finger.
• Good luck: Your boyfriend’s getting in shape. Bad luck: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
• Good luck: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad luck: He weighs 460 lbs.
• Good luck: You get a 3-day weekend! Bad luck: You get the flu on Friday.
SATURDAY-
• “Dolphin Day”, established in the 1990s to focus on the worldwide plight of dolphins.
• “Pathologists Assistant Day”, the 3rd annual celebration of those who assist distinct but inter-related medical specialties which diagnose disease through the analysis of tissue, cell, and body fluid samples. Icky.
• “National Pecan Day”, is it pee-CAHN or PEE-can??
SUNDAY-
• “Gripers’ Day”, (***a good day to have listeners call in with life’s little annoyances such as …***)
– Trying to open a band-aid wrapper while bleeding profusely.
– Setting your alarm for 7 pm instead of 7 am.
– Plastic ties that connect new shoes so you can’t walk when you try them on.
– Opening a can of soup and the lid falls in.
– Those little dryer sheets that get stuck in your underwear.
• “That Sucks Day”, celebrating failure, incompetence, dissatisfaction, mediocrity, apathy, chaos, tomfoolery, buffoonery, and jackassery (Ah. Monday, then.)
• “Titanic Disaster Anniversary”. Shortly before midnight on April 14, 1912, the ship collided with an iceberg causing it to sink at 2:20 am on April 15th.
THIS DAY IN SHOWBIZ . . .
1994 [24] After nine years of a very public marriage, Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley announce they have separated. They divorce later in the year.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
2000 [18] Metallica files a copyright infringement suit against online music-sharing service Napster, initiating a music industry backlash against free downloads
2009 [09] Late Beatle George Harrison’s widow Olivia and son Dhani are on hand to unveil his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Paul McCartney also makes a surprise appearance)
2015 [03] The UK’s first weekly ‘Vinyl Chart’ is launched by the Official Charts Company as sales of vinyl albums and singles continue to soar
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1997 [21] At age 21, Tiger Woods wins his 1st Master golf tournament, becoming the youngest player to do so (also sets a record by finishing at 18-under-par)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2006 [12] In Lincoln NE, Kevin Holder is arrested – again – for the 226th time (this one, for burglary, is added to his 43-page rap sheet)
BULL’S BITS:
BS WACK FACTS:
✓ Every iPhone in an advertisement displays a time of 9:41am. It is the time Steve Jobs unveiled the original phone in 2007.
✓ “Almost” is the longest word in English with all the letters in alphabetical order.
✓ About 2% of the population are considered “sleepless elite” which means they are night owls and early birds simultaneously.
✓ Pushing a baby out during labor is the equivalent of pushing a lemon through your nostril.
✓ Your foot is exactly as long as the distance from your wrist to the crook of your elbow.
✓ Kim Jong-un has banned sarcasm in North Korea.
-WhattheFFacts
MAKING GOOD NEWS SOUND BAD:
• I love you…as a friend.
• Congratulations on graduating college. I’m sorry we don’t have a job opening in your field.
• You have the most beautiful face…for an ugly person.
• He’s lost his left hand, but he’s going to be “all right.”
• Your five kids love you, but their fathers don’t.
• We won the lottery! One free ticket, that is.
• It’s a boy…band.
• Your work performance is awful. But we expected that, so you’ve succeeded.
• Your checkup is all normal. Time for your colonoscopy.
• Yay…it’s the weekend! Just two days until Monday.
-Twitter
BS WORST WAYS TO START A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS:
• “I’m glad you guys are so open-minded because …”
• “I know you don’t usually like tattoos, but …”
• “You know, you’d make great grandparents …”
• “The important thing is no one was hurt …”
• “Has the school called yet?”
• “Do you still have full coverage on the car?”
• “Now don’t overreact like the other parents did …”
• “First of all, I was an innocent bystander …”
• “How quickly can you liquidate your retirement plan?”
• “I love you. I really, really love you.”
– Adapted from Da Humorist Internet Archive
First published in BS in 2010
BS PHONE STARTER:
You can only keep 3 of your possessions … what are they?
BS RANDOM JOKE:
Two clowns are eating a cannibal, when one turns to the other and says, “I think we got this joke wrong!”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: 12% of us have held onto this since elementary school. What?
Answer: Best friend
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
