Monday, April 13, 2020 Edition: #6674

You Got the Sheet, Man!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ Amy Schumer and her husband, chef Chris Fischer, are inviting you into their home while you’re stuck in yours. The Food Network has announced a new show, tentatively titled “Amy Schumer Learns to Cook.” With more than 95% of Americans under some version of stay at home orders amid the coronavirus pandemic, Schumer is opening up her kitchen in the new self-shot series which will consist of eight 30-minute episodes in which Fischer cooks farm-to-table cuisine and Schumer assists. No premiere date has been set but it is expected to arrive this spring.
-CNN
★ Rupert Grint is preparing to become a dad for the first time. The British star, who is known for portraying ‘Ron Weasley’ in the “Harry Potter” film series, is expecting his first child with girlfriend Georgia Groome. While the two have been linked for nearly a decade, the couple have kept their personal life mostly out of the spotlight. A year ago, they sparked marriage rumors after she was spotted with a gold band on her left-hand ring finger.
-EOnline
★ Burning Man as you know it won’t happen this year, due to the pandemic. There will still be a festival, just with way less dust and fun. The event, scheduled for Aug. 30 to Sept. 7, will move online. The Burning Man camp — built and torn down each year in the middle of nowhere — is known as Black Rock City, and the organizers say they will create a ‘Virtual BRC’, but they admit that they’re not sure how it’s going to turn out. QUOTE: “It will likely be messy and awkward with mistakes. It will also likely be engaging, connective, and fun.”
-TMZ
★ Daisy Ridley has a story to tell, and she’s doing it virtually. Disney shared a video of the “Star Wars” actress reading the children’s story “BB-8 on the Run”. It’s one of many celebrity storytime videos shared on social media, with such stars as Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott, Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger, Josh Gad and Dolly Parton all reading children’s stories.
-MSN

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Jack Black
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Kenan Thompson, Blake Shelton, Gwen Stefani
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Matthew McConaughey, Sam Hunt
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): John Oliver
• ” The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Alesso & Liam Payne
• “Conan” (TBS): Nick Kroll
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Ciara Duggan, Paget Berry, Glenn Shephard
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Joe Biden, guest co-host Sara Haines (R)
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Ed Helms, Alessia Cara, Jeffrey Katzenberg
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Bill Gates
• “The Kelly Clarkson Show” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): A new Message from Montana, repeat segments with Michael Ealy, Manny Jacinto (R)
• “The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart” (ABC): Eight women and 12 men – all musicians — arrive looking for love and musical chemistry; two men try to serenade the same woman; Ryan gets caught in a love triangle; Plain White T’s put on a private concert for a pair.
• “The Baker and the Beauty” (ABC): Premiere. On a wild Miami night, Daniel meets international superstar Noa Hamilton and his life moves into the spotlight.
• “Songland: (NBC): Season 2 premiere. Undiscovered songwriters pitch original material to Lady Antebellum and a panel of top music producers who work to adapt the songs to the star; Lady Antebellum chooses one song to record and release the same night.
• “Biography: Kenny Rogers” (A&E): Chronicling his life from childhood, through the rise and fall of The First Edition, the release of the iconic ‘The Gambler’, and to the height of his career as a successful solo artist, actor and pop-culture icon.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Selena — purchased the Encino, Calif. mansion previously owned by Tom Petty. The three-story home features six bedrooms, 10 bathrooms, a recording studio, stone fireplace, yoga studio, spiral staircase, game room, wine cellar, gym and massage room. It was reportedly sold last month for $4.9 million.
• The Weeknd – says Usher copied his style, and his music, specifically on the 2012 song ‘Climax’. At first, he was upset, but now he sees it as a compliment.
• Rihanna – has asked fans to stop bothering her about new music while she is “trying to save the world”.  RiRi has already donated over $8 million to various causes during the pandemic and says she is working on philanthropy rather than music right now.  She hasn’t released a studio album since 2016.
• The Strokes — have released their sixth album, “The New Abnormal”. It’s their first album of new material since 2013’s “The Comedown Machine”.
• Neil Young — has revamped the video for his 2019 song ‘Shut It Down’ due to its poignancy during the coronavirus pandemic. After being inspired by fans’ messages requesting an updated video, ‘Shut It Down 2020’ features performance clips from the original video interspersed with footage of people around the world in the midst of the health crisis.
• Paul McCartney – His handwritten lyrics for ‘Hey Jude’ sold for $910,000 at auction. The iconic song – which was released in 1968 – is one of the Beatles’ most popular singles, and according to auction house Julien’s Auctions, the lyrics sold for nine times its original estimate.
• John Mellencamp – On Saturday, he once again teamed up with board members Willie Nelson, Neil Young and Dave Matthews for Farm Aid. This year’s event, “At Home With Farm Aid” was live streamed due to the global health crisis. It also aired on AXS TV.
• Dolly Parton — has uploaded 93 of her songs to streaming services for fans to enjoy during the Covid-19 pandemic. She tweeted: ”Surprise! 93 of your favorite classics are finally available again online! I hope these songs bring some light into your life during these hard times.”
• Maddie & Tae – have released their second full-length album, “The Way It Feels.” It is comprised of songs from their two recent Eps, plus five new tracks all co-written by Maddie & Tae, including ‘Lay Here With Me’ featuring Dierks Bentley.
• John Anderson – has released the new album “Years.” It comes after a series of recent health problems, including a benign brain tumor, heart issues and temporarily losing his hearing.

PANDEMIC PRODUCTIVITY:
While the pandemic has certainly affected the productivity of many industries, the production of one thing has skyrocketed: Humblebrags. Social media has been inundated with photos and stories of bakers with their perfect crusty sourdough loaves, Parents boasting about their ambitious homeschooling schedules. Gym rats posting about their home workouts, pics of meticulously spring-cleaned homes, and yes, even home-handymen and women showing off their incredible DIY projects. Social psychologist Prof. Frederick Grouzet says one reason that many “high-achievers” feel the need to post about their domestic accomplishments is because many of the old “external indicators” of success have been yanked out from under them in the wake of the COVID-19 crisis, so highly-driven people are changing their “domain of performance” by posting about the amazing baking they are doing, for example, rather than about on-the-job accomplishments or being able to buy a fancy new car.
(I don’t want to brag, but but my home improvement project involved a broom and a floor…)
(I hate to brag myself, but I showered twice last week!)
(Not only do these people have a superiority complex, but it’s better than mine!)
-TheGlobeandMail

AS CLOSE TO A SPORTSCAST AS YOU’RE GONNA GET:
☞ The Chinese Professional Baseball League was scheduled to resume operations on Saturday, despite the fact that Asian fans are still unable to leave their homes to cheer on their favorite team. So, Taiwan’s CPBL team, the Rakuten Monkeys, announced that they would create a ‘ballpark atmosphere’ by putting 500 “cyborg robot mannequins” in the stands dressed as fans for their home opener. One sports writer described it as “next-level creepy, folks.” After Saturday’s game was rained out, a double-header was scheduled for Sunday — also featuring the cyborg fans. (Mannequins don’t buy $12 beers. Now tell me who the REAL dummies are…)
☞ The pandemic has wreaked havoc on the economy and left millions unemployed. It’s also impacting the finances of professional athletes, and for some, apparently causing problems. Portland Trail Blazers shooting guard CJ McCollum told former NBA player Jay Williams on “The Boardroom” that “Out of 450 players … 150 probably are living paycheck to paycheck.” The median salary of an NBA player is $2.5 million, compared to $31,000 for the average American. (What a coincidence! I, too am a very poor basketball player!)
-Futurism

PRODUCTS THAT CAN DESTROY THE CORONAVIRUS:
(These products have been deemed most effective by The Centre for Disease Control and Prevention)
➢ Rubbing alcohol: You already knew this one. It kills the novel coronavirus at concentrations of 70%. First clean the area with water and detergent, then let the rubbing alcohol sit for 30 seconds. Then wipe the area clean. (I simply cannot believe the amount of alcohol that we’re going through at my house…plus for disinfecting!)
➢ Bleach:  Always wear gloves. Dilute bleach four teaspoons of bleach to four cups of water. And first do a spot test to make sure it won’t damage the surface you are trying to clean. (At least we know that Joe Exotic’s hair is safe!)
➢ Soap and water:  Oddly, coronaviruses are some of the easiest types of viruses to kill — simply using soap will do the trick. That is why handwashing is so important right now.
➢ Hydrogen peroxide:  This is effective at 3%. It is not as intense as bleach, so you do not need to dilute it. Spray it on a surface, let it sit for one minute, then clean.
Things that DO NOT work:  Vinegar, tea tree oil, homemade hand sanitizer, vodka. (So save the vodka for quarantinis!)
-ConsumerReports

DID YOU KNOW?
The coronavirus will be the end of the handshake as we know it, if Dr. Anthony Fauci has his way. The director of the US National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, one of the leading experts in the fight against COVID-19 the U.S., was asked what life might look like when things start returning to normal. His answer: “I don’t think we should ever shake hands ever again, to be honest with you. Not only would it be good to prevent coronavirus disease; it probably would decrease instances of influenza dramatically in this country.”
(Sweaty-palmed dudes everywhere: Rejoice!)
-Time

BS CHRONOMETER 04.13.20

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [70] Ron Perlman, NYC, TV actor (“Sons of Anarchy” 2008-14)/movie actor (“Hellboy” movies, “Beauty & The Beast”)

1951 [69] Max Weinberg, South Orange NJ, rock drummer (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band)/TV bandleader (“Late Night With Conan O’Brien” 1993-2009)

1964 [56] Caroline Rhea, Montreal QC, TV actress (Sabrina the Teenage Witch” 1996-2003, “Phineas and Ferb” 2007-15)

1970 [50] Ricky Schroder, Brooklyn NY, TV actor (“NYPD Blue” 1998-2001, “Silver Spoons” 1982-1997)/movie actor (“The Champ”)

1972 [48] Aaron Lewis, Rutland VT, rock singer (Staind- ‘Believe’, ‘It’s Been Awhile’)/country singer (‘Endless Summer’)

1988 [32] Allison Williams, New Canaan CT, TV actress (‘Marnie Michaels’ on “Girls” 2012-2017)/daughter of former “NBC Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Easter Monday”, celebrated in many ways in many places, including …
– In Canada, it’s a federal government holiday and a school holiday in most areas.|
– In Hallaton UK, they hold the ancient ritual of “Bottle Kicking”, an Easter Monday tradition for over 600 years. How appropriate they try to ‘kick the bottle’ during Alcohol Awareness Month!
– In the rural northwest of Switzerland, the annual Easter Monday “Egg Races” are held. Competitors attempt to carry the most eggs while running from village-to-village.
– In Washington DC, it’s the annual “Easter Egg Roll” on the south lawn of the White House, a custom which started on the US Capitol grounds about 1810 and was moved to the White House by President Rutherford B Hayes in 1877 (canceled this year due to COVID-19).
– In Poland, it’s “Dyngus Day” (Wet Monday), a day of fun after Easter when guys attempt to drench girls with water using pails, squirt guns, etc. The more gallant boys may substitute cologne. Females get their revenge the day after, when tradition has it they throw dishes or crockery back at the boys.

• “Scrabble Day”, honoring one of the world’s most popular games on the anniversary of the 1899 birth date of its inventor, Alfred Butts, a jobless architect who came up with the idea during the Great Depression of the 1930s. A few facts …
– Among the proposed names for early versions of ‘Scrabble’ were ‘Lexiko’ and ‘Criss Cross Words’.
– After ‘Scrabble’ was trademarked in 1948, the game was manufactured by friends and family, who painstakingly stamped letters on wooden tiles one at a time. Rate of production: 12 games an hour.
– The game was just a fad with Butts’ friends until a Macy’s executive saw it being played at a resort in 1952 and the then-world’s largest department store soon began carrying it.

• “National Peach Cobbler Day” A cobbler is a deep-dish fruit pie covered with a thick crust made from biscuit dough. (You had me at deep-dish. And at thick crust. And at biscuit dough.)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Dolphin Day
[Tues] Ex-Spouse Day
[Wed]  American Sign Language Day
[Wed] McDonald’s Day
This Week Is…Animal Control Officer Appreciation Week
This Month Is…Lawn and Garden Month

THIS DAY IN SHOWBIZ . . .
1994 [26] After nine years of a very public marriage, Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley announce they have separated. They divorce later in the year.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
2000 [20] Metallica files a copyright infringement suit against online music-sharing service Napster, initiating a music industry backlash against free downloads

2009 [11] Late Beatle George Harrison’s widow Olivia and son Dhani are on hand to unveil his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (Paul McCartney also makes a surprise appearance)

2019 [01] Billie Eilish hits #1 in America with her debut album, “When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?”, making the 17-year-old singer the first artist born in the ’00s to top the chart.

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1997 [23] At age 21, Tiger Woods wins his first Masters golf tournament, becoming the youngest player to do so (also sets a record by finishing at 18-under-par)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2006 [14] In Lincoln NE, Kevin Holder is arrested – again – for the 226th time (this one, for burglary, is added to his 43-page rap sheet)

BULL’S BITS:

BS WHACK FACTS:
✓ A ‘Big Band’ is any band with 10 or more musicians.
✓ “Almost” is the longest word in English with all the letters in alphabetical order.
✓ About 2% of the population are considered “sleepless elite” which means they are night owls and early birds simultaneously.
✓ Your foot is exactly as long as the distance from your wrist to the crook of your elbow.
✓ Dogs don’t eat citrus fruit because they make their own vitamin C.
✓ According to scientists who have taught them sign language, chimpanzees lie a lot.
-WhattheFFacts, BathroomReadersInstitute

Best of BS . . .
BS WORST WAYS TO START A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS:
• “I’m glad you guys are so open-minded because …”
• “I know you don’t usually like tattoos, but …”
• “You know, you’d make great grandparents …”
• “The important thing is no one was hurt …”
• “Has the school called yet?”
• “Do you still have full coverage on the car?”
• “Now don’t overreact like the other parents did …”
• “First of all, I was an innocent bystander …”
• “How quickly can you liquidate your retirement plan?”
• “I love you. I really, really love you.”
– Adapted from Da Humorist Internet Archive, first published in BS in 2010

TODAY’S SCOOP OF BS:
➠ A naked, armed New Brunswick burglar was arrested last week. (Wait a second. . . he was NAKED and ARMED?  Where did he keep his gun permit?)
➠ Millions celebrated Easter yesterday while in self-quarantine. (And by “celebrated,” of course, I mean, “laid on the couch, bingeing ‘Breaking Bad’ for the 8th time, while eating my weight in chocolate eggs.”  So, no change then.)
➠ A California man was electrocuted while trying to steal copper wiring from a telephone pole.  (He’s been charged with battery – literally!)
➠ A Florida Woman is facing charges after clobbering a man with a can of SpaghettiOs. (Uh oh! This is gonna spell DISASTER for that relationship!)
➠ An angry Walmart customer (worried about COVID-19) sprayed a cashier in the eyes with Lysol when she was told that there was a limit to the number of cans she could purchase.  (At least the cashier doesn’t have to worry about cornea virus…)

BS WEB GOODIE:
Masking techniques:  https://tinyurl.com/w2zx89p

BS PHONE STARTER:
You can only keep 3 of your possessions … what are they?

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• Which is NOT another word for protractor?
a. Compass
b. Graphometer
c. Stapler [CORRECT]
d. Plumb line

• A baby is born with all the following reflexes, except…
a. The ability to swim
b. Understanding a foreign language [CORRECT]
c. Sucking
d. Grasping a finger

• When we speak of “abs”, which muscle are we referring to?
a. Rectus abdominus [CORRECT]
b. Latissimus dorsi
c. Pectoralis major
d. Trapezius
-Funnp

BS RANDOM JOKE:
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question: 12% of us have held onto THIS since elementary school. What is it?
Answer:  Our best friend

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.