Thursday, August 28, 2003        Edition: #2611
Thanks For Being a Bull Market!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Celine Dion is going back to her roots by releasing her first French-language album in 5 years in OCTOBER (getting a little worried about “Canadian Idol” finalist Audrey de Montigny?) . . . Friends of “Men in Black II” actress Lara Flynn Boyle are worried about her appearance since splitting with Jack Nicholson earlier THIS YEAR, saying her bony shoulders, protruding ribs & scrawny neck make her look like a skeleton (for heaven’s sake girl – eat!) . . . The WB’s “Play for a Billion” game show sounded like it might pay off big time until the rules were announced – one contestant gets a chance at the billion SEPTEMBER 14th if they pick the same 6 numbers – as a chimpanzee . . . Actor Ed Norton is urging ex-girlfriend Courtney Love to enter rehab after a series of embarrassing incidents (most recently flying into a rage and backing out of her scheduled appearance on TONIGHT’S MTV Awards) . . . Tammy Morris, the Vancouver lap-dancer who tattled on Ben Affleck, has been fired from Brandi’s all-nude club for selling her story to “National Enquirer” for $100,000, but she has other recent income too – appearing as a body double in “Freddy vs Jason” . . . Women seem to like a man full of lead – 50 Cent’s latest conquest is actress Vivica A Fox, who was spotted in a NYC restaurant chewing on – his neck (maybe she was sucking out a bullet?) . . . “Two Weeks Notice” star Hugh Grant has forked out $3.2 million for a medieval mansion in the English countryside that features picturesque views, tennis courts, a wine cellar, a polo field, and – oh yeah – former lover Elizabeth Hurley’s country mansion just a few miles down the road (why don’t these two just get married and be done with it?).

20TH MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS:
• TONIGHT Chris Rock hosts live from NYC’s Radio City Music Hall.
• Performers include Beyonce Knowles, Coldplay, Christina Aguilera, Mary J Blige, 50 Cent, Good Charlotte & Metallica.
• Presenters include Jay-Z, Britney Spears, Sean Paul, Avril Lavigne, P Diddy, Ashanti, Kelly Clarkson, Nelly, Drew Barrymore, Ben Stiller & Snoop Dogg.
• Missy Elliott leads nominations with 8, including ‘Video of the Year’.
• The most unlikely VMA nominee is 71-year-old country legend Johnny Cash, up for 6 awards thanks to his cover of Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt”.
• Among the backstage demands – Pink has asked for no less than 48 towels, Shakira wants straws for her drinks so she doesn’t smudge her lipstick, Ja Rule apparently needs 6 bottles of Cristal to get that gravelly sound in his voice, Busta Rhymes will be busy with 2 packs of condoms, and Justin Timberlake has asked for a Nintendo game console.
NET: http://www.mtv.com

FUTURE FILMS:
Actress Amber Marshall (“Monk”) will play the Utah teenager who was kidnapped LAST SUMMER and rescued 9 months later in the CBS-TV movie “The Elizabeth Smart Story” . . . “Phantom Of The Opera” fans are up in arms that the upcoming movie of the mega-hit musical will NOT feature the 61-year-old star of the stage version, Michael Crawford, but 33-year-old “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider 2″ actor Gerard Butler . . . “Lara Croft” star Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt will play husband-and-wife assassins in “Mr & Mrs Smith”, Jolie replacing Nicole Kidman, who dropped out . . . Now that he’s finished up playing bleeding Jesus in Mel Gibson’s controversial “The Passion”, Jim Caviezel will next play legendary golfer Bobby Jones in a biopic called “Stroke Of Genius” . . . It looks like Sharon Stone will be the villain facing off with heroine Halle Berry in the fantasy film “Catwoman” . . . Hollywood hellraiser Colin Farrell has reportedly been approached to play oil tycoon ‘Bobby Ewing’ in the bigscreen version of TV soap “Dallas”, and insiders say he’ll take it – if Bruce Willis agrees to play ‘JR’ . . . And Robert Downey Jr has been dumped from Woody Allen’s next film because producers couldn’t afford insurance on him – thanks to all his drug busts.

HEAT WARNING:
Hong Kong-based Giant Wireless Technology is set to market ‘TempAlert’ NEXT YEAR, a wireless technology designed to provide athletes with a constant reading of body temperature to prevent heat stroke and dehydration. The gizmo triggers an alarm when sensors embedded in an eye patch or sunglasses indicate body temperature has reached a danger level. (And that’s just what you wanna be wearing when hockey pucks are whizzing by at 100 mph isn’t it – an eye patch?)

IS TODAY THURSDAY?
A new study on human memory by University of Missouri psychologist Nelson Cowan finds that most of us can only remember 3 to 5 things at a time if they are unrelated. And trying to remember one thing on a list can immediately blank out all the others, at least temporarily. The bottom line – our working memory is much smaller and more fragile than we might think. (That reminds me of … um, I forget.) 

WHAT’S NEXT – THUMB TAX?
• Ireland’s Health Minister Micheal Martin is considering slapping a special tax on fatty foods to help curb the country’s obesity problem. The so-called ‘Fat Tax’ is just one measure under consideration. With 60% of the population overweight, the government is also looking at banning happy hours in pubs. (In Ireland? Sacrilege!)
• New Zealand’s proposed flatulence tax on farm animals has spurred opponents to board the so-called ‘Fart Tax Tour’ bus and travel around the country with a petition demanding the proposed levy is dumped. The tax is designed to fund countermeasures to the methane produced by cattle & sheep. (How would this work? Would the government employ fart counters?)

ALMOST AS EXCITING AS ‘HAPPY NEWS’:
TODAY the Weather Channel begins a new feature called ‘Happy Weather’ that shows people having a good time in really great weather, as a relief from the channel’s usual association with storms, floods & natural disasters. (It’ll be like watching someone’s vacation videos.)

OLDER FOLKS ARE GAMER:
A new survey shows that the face of video gaming may be changing. No longer solely the domain of geeky young guys, the average age of players is now up to 29. Here’s a breakout of who makes up today’s video game population –
• Men 18+ (38%)
• Women 18+ (26%)
• Boys 6-17 (21%)
• Adults 50+ (17%)
• Girls 6-17 (12%)
Source: Entertainment Software Association

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• What is it with wedding guests lately? This guy may be the all-time worst – during a reception in Corunna MI, a 31-year-old smeared cake on a 9-year-old boy, bit off part of another guest’s finger, elbowed a 49-year-old woman in the head and knocked her out, and injured the bridegroom. (The guy wasn’t a total boor though – when he threw up, he missed the cake.)
• A Zurich, Switzerland man attempted to rid his home of wasps by spraying an entire can of insecticide on the nest, then used his lighter to fend off the angry pests. Boom! That sparked a massive blaze that caused $350,000 damage to his apartment and two others. (After the mayhem was over, all that could be heard was a faint buzzing sound.)
• Designer Calvin Klein is said to be such a perfectionist, he simply can’t drink his coffee unless it’s the exact right shade of brown. According to a new book, he’s ensured that his minions get it exactly right – by posting a color swatch on the kitchen wall. (Coincidently the same color as the noses of his staff.)
• As of NOVEMBER 3rd, Canadians will be required to submit passport photos with a ‘neutral expression’. The Canadian Passport Office says that means no smiling, frowning, glaring or grimacing. It’s apparently a recommendation of the International Civil Aviation Organization aimed at making it easier for security personnel to recognize passport holders. (You know what this means? From now on terrorists are going to look a lot sterner.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
The average age North Americans become grandparents for the first time is now 47, according to “BabyTalk” magazine.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I’d have a Webcam in the governor’s mansion and charge people $20 a month to see what I’m doing all the time.” – Porn star/gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey tells “NY Post” how she’d fix California’s financial problems.

THE BULL SHEET 08.28.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [60] Lou Pinella, Tampa FL, Major League Baseball manager (Tampa , formerly Seattle, Cincinnati, NY Yankees)/ex-MLB player (4 World Series-NY Yankees)

1957 [46] Daniel Stern, Bethesda MD, movie actor (“City Slickers I & II”, “Home Alone 1 & 2”, “Diner”)

1965 [38] Shania Twain (Eilleen Regina Edwards), Windsor ON (raised in Timmins & Sudbury ON), country singer (“Forever And For Always”, “You’re Still The One”)/2003 Juno Awards host & ‘Artist of the Year’/Canada’s Walk of Fame (2003)  FACTOID: Her next world tour begins SEPTEMBER 25th in Hamilton ON.

1969 [34] Jason Priestley, Vancouver BC, ex-TV actor (“Beverly Hills 90210″ 1990-98)/Indy Racing League driver recovering from 2002 crash at Kentucky Speedway

1982 [21] LeAnn Rimes, Jackson MS (raised Garland TX), country singer (“How Do I Live”, “Blue”) who started singing at age 3 and has sold over 20 million records

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
THIS WEEKEND is the 15th annual “Carrefour Mondial de l’Accordéon” (“World Accordion Jamboree”) in Montmagny QC, featuring squeeze box enthusiasts from around-the-world. (All of them playing “Lady of Spain”.)
PHONER: 418.248.7927
NET: http://accordeon.montmagny.com

THIS WEEKEND Buffalo NY hosts the 2nd annual “National Buffalo Wing Festival”, featuring ‘The Running of the Chickens’, a ‘Wing Bobbing Contest’, the ‘Ms Buffalo Wing Contest’, and, of course, the ‘US Chicken Wing Eating Championship’ – an event sanctioned by the International Federation of Competitive Eating. The current record is 74 wings in 12 minutes.  This weekend it’s expected some 20 tons of chicken wings, about 400,000, will be deep-fried, drenched in hot-sauce and served up.
NET: http://www.buffalowing.com
Buffalo’s Anchor Bar is famous as the place hot wings were invented back in 1964. So how’d that happen? And what’s the secret of making perfect wings?
PHONER: 716.886.8920/716.853.1791

SUNDAY is the 26th annual “Great Klondike International Outhouse Race” in Dawson City YT, a crazy dash though downtown streets involving decorated outhouses on wheels pulled by costumed runners.
PHONER: 867-993-5573 (Klondike Visitors Association)

THIS WEEKEND is the 30th annual “World Championship Barbecue Goat Cook-off” in Brady TX. 125 teams will try to get your goat tasting best. What’s the proper wine to serve?
PHONER: 325.597.3491
NET: http://www.bradytx.com/calendar4/index.html

Heard of the ‘Running of the Bulls’? Well, SUNDAY in Reed Point MT, it’s the “Running of the Sheep”, when hundreds of woolies charge down Main Street & participate in the ‘Ugliest Sheep’ and ‘Prettiest Ewe Contest’.
PHONER: 406.326.2288 (Hotel Montana)
NET: http://web.outsidemag.com/events/sheep

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1837 [166] 1st ‘Worcestershire Sauce’ (WOOST-a-shur) marketed by pharmacists John Lea & William Perrins in, where else?, Worcester UK

1907 [96] 19-year-old Seattle teen Jim Casey borrows $100 from a friend to start local delivery service that eventually becomes – UPS (now it’s a hundred bucks per pickup)

1922 [81] 1st ‘radio commercial’ ($100 for 10 minutes on WEAF, NYC)

1996 [07] 1st MLB team to invite ball fans to ‘Bring Your Pooch to the Park’ (Chicago White Sox)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] More Herbs, Less Salt Day
[Sat] Toasted Marshmallow Day
[Sun] Trail Mix Day
[Sun] Love Litigating Lawyers Day
[Mon] Labor Day (no BS service)
[Wed] 4th Latin Grammy Awards
This Week Is . . . Be Kind to Humankind Week
This Month Is . . . Literacy Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHAT’S ITS?
Ask a contestant to pick the correct meaning for the following terms –
• ‘Phillumenist’
a. Someone who collects scrap metal.
b. Someone who collects matchbook covers. [CORRECT]
c. Someone who collects dust.

• ‘Culicidologist’
a. Someone who studies mosquitoes. [CORRECT]
b. Someone who studies too much.
c. Someone who studies their navel.

• ‘Aeromancy’
a. Predicting the future by looking at tea leaves.
b. Predicting the future by looking up noses. 
c. Predicting the future by looking at atmospheric phenomena such as clouds, storms & comets. [CORRECT]

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• It’s estimated 1 out of 4 suffer from some form of mental illness. If your 3 best friends seem okay … guess what?
• The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 17 people in North America are killed by THIS lethal weapon every year.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: They’re electrocuted by a blow dryer.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The 5 most essential words for a healthy relationship are ‘I apologize’ and ‘you are right’.

Monthly Planning Calendar in TOMORROW’S Edition of “BS”!